butterflies on the windowsill

for the last five months ive been grinding. barely a day off. barely a night where amber doesnt fall asleep and i stay up all night in the living room working on the project.

even on sundays which is against the bible but i had little choice. i promise you, i didnt

and now the first part, the hard part, the big part is over.

i feel like how contractors must feel after theyve dug the foundation and put up the bones of a building and now its gotta get this and that and the other thing on it before the paint and the shrubbery shows up.

is it good all by itself right now? no. is it bigger and better than i expected it to be? yes. people cooperated. i was allowed space. and time. and resources. and for all of that i am eternally grateful.

there were hard parts for sure. i didnt know a lot going into it. i didnt know who could help me, if they would help me, or what they were talking about at first. i didnt ask the best questions in the beginning. i fancy myself a good interviewer. i was not good until the end. i am good now.

so many have said i should have a podcast. now i believe them. but only now. only now do i know how to get the other person to the root of the issue. all the jibber jabber is fine but the root is where its at questlove.

yesterday i was so excited that i didnt go to sleep until 10am, and i woke up at 6 when amber came home. she has not enjoyed this period of my life. i have snapped at her. i was emotional. i was not myself. i apologize. she wants me to take a walk around the block, and by block she means arizona. why dont you got to spring training for a few days she asks. shake the cobwebs out of your head.

and i would love to but i dont know when the next step is going to happen and when i am needed. theres other things i could do but i have not heard. and thats ok. but here it is 119pm and i havent gone to bed yet. last night i went to bed at 1030pm but im like a baby i cant sleep through the night. the night time is when my head is ready to rock, i woke up at 2am and i havent gone back to sleep yet.

i want to. i may. if there was wine in this house i would drink a glass. but this is a straight edge home. its warm outside but i have a headache from lack of sleep. ive been doing laundry a lot. watching so much youtube. learning and learning. i miss the outside. i love the outside.

i have lost my mind.