last year i drove around the country and parts of canada and i saw strange and usual lifeforms and histronics. and i took photographs and i wrote blog entries and i lived for once in my socalled life.

female readers of the busblog promised me things that i didnt deserve and when i came to their towns to collect on their promises i was greeted with excuses and claims of new boyfriends.

my heart broke with each timezone and my secret blog flourished.

depressedblog did gangbusters among the whoah-is-me crowd and i dedicated my life to LAist, as you know.

problem is, the readers of LAist are not like the readers of the busblog, in fact its safe to say that if i dropped dead here in beautiful british canada, those readers would probably be happy.

which means, for the last several months, ive been without any female attention.

at all.

high and dry.

so for my vacation i chose to go to a country where id be loved, appreciated, and respected. sure its for all the wrong reasons, but i figured i might at least be able to achieve the thing that ive been missed so much – the touch of a ridiculously young lady out of my league, and the access to some bc green bud in a somewhat legal situation.

last night i found myself at The Cambie. it was late. i met several irish girls. i was with a blogger that some of you may know.

she claimed to have a boyfriend so i said be loyal, look at all these irish girls

and she looked at them and she said, how is it that you can come up here, and these people who dont know you or know who you are, treat you just like i do, with love.

i said yes.

she said, even with that fucking beard!

and i smiled. but you couldnt see it because my beard covers my beautiful mouth.

and this blogger had the nerve to cockblock my advances with the irish lasses.

so i said i thought you said you had a boyfriend, why are you doing this to me?

and she said, i never said i wasnt evil.

so we got in a cab and i took her to my hotel room.

for some reason bars close early here in the land of the braver. sure the round mugs of Pale Ale were going for a mere $2.75, and you could get a pitcher for $8, but shit closes early leaving me with only half the buzz i was hoping for.

got back to the room and i said let me kiss you.

no.

let me just rub my beard up against your hottness.

k.

ok now let me rub my beard across your back.

my back?

yes and i bent her over the bed, lifted her shirt and she had the most beautiful back.maybe it wasnt that beautiful to you, because youre a normal person and have probably gotten some in 2007 but to me, in the moonlight, it was perfect. so i rubbed my dirty beard all over it and tried to get a whiff of, i dont know, something. anything.

she laughed and said she had to go home.

i was all, let me see your belly. she said no. i said come on, i could have brought 5 or 6 of those irish girls back here and i coulda gotten em all to show me their irish bellies. and then some!

she showed me her belly and i wished she hadnt.

let me acknowledge something interesting about the road.

eminating from the whitehouse and their nut-licking apologists in the blogosphere, there seems to be a secret competition as to who can blow the most smoke up the ass of americans.

likewise out here on the road there seems to be a secret competition too, a far less nefarious one. people are aligning themselves to see how generous they can be towards me. and although pretty much everyone has been super cool to me as i blow into their town, two men have risen to the top.

the first is general patrick j pitt (pictured, gay) who would barely let me buy a donut at tim hortons with my own money, let alone a lapdance from a schoolteacher. he did however let me beat him at madden, eat his yogurt, and even allowed me to kiss his fiance on both cheeks.

and now we have mr tomdog k lewis here in coincidentally enough pittsfield mass who took me to a delicious fine dining experience last night that was so good that im straining to even keep the poo inside me because my bowels deserve every moment with that fresh salmon cuisine.

even though everyone has been extraordinarily sweet to me from coast to coast, these two gentlemen have risen above the maddening crowd. tom’s little angels even sweetly woke me this morning with sweet faces and tugging little hands removing the blankets from my face and giggling and then pounding on the bed while laughing outloud.

hi babies i said. hi tony they said. but unlike adults, when kids want to play they want to play no matter what hour of the morning it is, which is why i had to open one eye and say bye bye which weirdly they understood and they ran out of my room and sorta sadly said, “he said bye bye.” so sweet.

i was back in dreamland immediately because my body is fat but perfect.

now i write you from tom’s living room after watching his tivo and drinking his children’s apple juice. western mass is gorgeous and sunny and americana to the maxima. i want to put it in a pie and eat it.

driving through albany last night was also pretty amazing. who knew they built a shiny steel batman set in the capital of ny? those shiny skyscrapers and weird egg music hall totally rival LA’s halfassed downtown skyline.

anyways as i approach the east-most portion of the US (or as close as i will get) i want to thank everyone who has bought me drinks, given me shelter, put their hand down my pants, or allowed me to put my hand up their skirt. i couldnt be where i am today without all of you and i appreciate meeting all the new faces ive gotten to see as well as those who ive met just once or twice. im a very lucky man and its because of the people i know.

although this probably wont stop me from being a complete hermit, it has certainly showed me how much better life is outside of my dark little room in east hollywood.

keith olbermann should be the next president

i shoulda stayed in canada and i should be in montreal right now but i was having two silly problems. one is my cell phone didnt work in the great white north. the other was my interweb wasnt realy working up there neither and i am on this trip partially for work, and i have to be a responsible editor, and blogger. while drunk drugged and dopey.

ok so where did we leave off? i slept on pitt’s cot and dreampt about my girl in africa. it was nice to catch up with her. pitt and i drove to see some strippers slash soccer moms and that was followed by karaoke with raymi and pretty much all the cool bloggers of Toronto minus a few…. PAIGE, CHRISTIE

we drank and sang and there was a white girl who freestyled to the beasties, there was raymi who dominated, pitt dominated, i dominated Thunder Road, i got to meet courtney and carrie and radmad, and sweaty hermit, and ber, and ettienes xbf, and i know im forgetting lots of people forgive me i was wasted and each chick was only hotter than the next. it was crazy. jeremy said its the air.

so then radmad said lets have the afterparty at my house whooo, so we took cabs to The Beaches where immediately the home karoake was rocked. at 4:30am her neighbors had had enough and came down and said the f word and the karoake went away but the canadian club came out as did some illicitness. and boobies. lots of boobies were shown. canadian boobies are pretty nice, people. gotta say. tried to spend the night with some of those boobies but i was denied. my mojo has clearly been borrowed by the chicago bears, a deal im willing to accept.

although earlier in the night at the karaoke a beautiful girl said omg tony pierce and then pulled down her pants for me so i could see her bush. yes canada that is the way to greet me. thank you. remember that america cuz im in buffalo now heading to boston.

two and half hours after falling asleep radmads neighbors put a stereo next to her window and cranked the red hot chili peppers and played the piano loudly. she laughed they laughed but me and chad didnt laugh. we wanted to die. then we had breakfast with them. then we took the trolly to raymis hoooose to collect my car. then we drove to somewhere to watch football with jeremy. then we ordered pizza. then we drank beer. then i took a shower. the whole time i was sleepy as fuck. then i called ber and it was raining. and i got lost getting back to toronto to meet her at the green door. i was all turned around. then we ate and drank on those great couches and we exchanged dirty conversations. but shes in love with a new boy too.

notice a pattern? at first i was getting very depressed that all these women were all, oh id love to show you my boobies but i have a bf or i just got a bf but last night i was on the phone and this girl who i will meet later on this trip said, you are just the angel of good luck tony. all these nice people who you like are getting into great relationships Because of you. is it so bad that youre going without if they are getting what they want? and i guess shes right. but if she gets a boyfriend two days before i get to her town im gonna jump off a cliff.

so after dinner and drinks with ber i dropped her off at her mans house and got lost leaving toronto and chalked it up to fatigue and drove to buffalo which is suprisingly close to TO and smiled at a girl at the Tim Hortons and she smiled back and i said when are you getting off and she said im sick i said i dont care she said i dont either and i said when are you getting off and she said 4am and i said yikes. so i gave her the busblogs web address and hi girl from tim hortons. who knew they had them in the usa? fuckers gonna invade us.

after that little flirtation i got a second wind and drove east. got the nice phone call. the roads started becoming toll roads and that was annoying so here i am near the Six Flags outside of buffalo and i wanted to write and work all night last night but as soon as i got in the bed i started nodding off. but i did put pictures up and i slept well and im now stoked to drive to boston. and im tripley stoked that the bears are 3-0.

what i will do now is shower and eat and drive a few hours and pull over and work for a few hours and make it into boston in the wee hours probably so remember the alamo.

raymis pics

so have you two been twins for a while?

the joke was on me though because as sweet and innocent as they were they surprised me with some very dirty details that made me cover my mouth and blush.

we drank at the Madison on Madison right near the University of Toronto and the parade of hotness was amazing but somehow the twins drew me in and kept me in despite Raymi making the OK sign with one hand and putting the index finger of her other hand thru the hole of the OK sign – and Fil putting up the peace sign meaning 2 GIRLS!

sadly both of the ladies have boyfriends and i couldnt convince them that all the fantasies of lustmaking with twins supersedes the banal conventions of committed college relationships. particularly when an international blogger was involved.

they did however say on occasion OMG we’re talking to Tony Pierce!

which of course sustained my erection.

pitt has now exited the shower so its my turn. when im done we’re gonna speed to the Skydome to check out the Red Sox vs Blue Jays. bro has sweet seats.

then AFTERWARDS, TORONTO, you should meet us all at the club next to the Holiday INN on St. George & Bloor called the Fox and the Fiddle where so many bloggers and hotties will be i dont think i will have enough memory in my cam to capture it all.

so if youre here COME and reach down my pants. kthnxbi.

ive been eating like a pig lately. i had tv dinners and soup and then a half of a pie and then a little rice before getting invited over to pizza.

then i had some homemade cookies then i went home and ate some beefaroni cuz it rhymes with tony.

all this food talk has me thinking about lunch. i hafta get my bus pass at the store when i get my sandwich. i dont want to get any more bus passes. when will i get my last one? you know how you never know the last time you’ll kiss a girl? when will be the last time i go to Ralph’s and ask for a monthly bus pass?

sometime in the year two thousand?

oh raymi i want and i want and i want.

i want to put the cubs’ playoff race on the left hand side of my blog but i dont wanna jinx it.

i dont want to jinx anything, raymi, but this whole cubfan thing has been a jinx to me.

your gd bluegays have won the world series thanks to the bat of the cubs’ number one draft pick which is why you dont care about these things. theres no gta jinx. theres just fish and ice and eskimoes and raymis skipping past the bobbies on the corners parlezing and bumping into mike meyers.

raymi are you going to the new jackie chan movie? i dont think i will. f new jackie chan movies. he needs to go back to china and regain his spirit.

i would change everything if i could. first thing i would do is make canada our 51st state. i think theyd go for it. smokes are cheaper here. i think youd like that.

raymi what am i going to do with you? you seem like youd be very good with pets. especially dogs. i see you playing catch with a happy dog with a tail for hours. maybe several hours. i see you throwing a frisbee into the ocean and the dog diving in and you diving in too and nabbing the frisbee in your own teeth and the dog trying to get it out of there and both of you drowning.

then i see anti saving you both and giving first you mouth to mouth and then spot and then you again and then spot then sand castle competition and then lines being done off the hairy backs of the tourists.

how can it be septemeber already.

i blame the president.

raymi + bunnie has a super nice long thingie up + trinity xxx

i think to myself, why am i here again? the pay is laughable. in fact if you cant laugh at it then you need to quit. the phones always ring and never happy people on the other end. the work is dangerous. i should have been dead a long time ago. and nobody ever says thank you.

i say thank you but sarcastically. tony, theres a shoot out in korea town, no chopper, just get there and pick up the peices.

thank you, boss.

picking up the peices means stand in the shadows and steal the getaway car or the money or the jewels or whatever loot that might get left behind, guns, ammo, phony social security cards, laptops. lots of times theres clues about ongoing heists happening or soon-to-be jobs, or nudie pics of bad guys’ girlfriends. it’s never a bunch of valueable stuff, but sometimes it is. however there is a fire fight happening and nobody knows which side im on so my likelihood of being shot is very high.

their likelihood of missing and me shooting them, however, is higher, so watch it bitch.

some guys meditate in the morning, i write you.

some guys need to get their heads together, i need to get the writing done.

some guys need their coffee and their donut or frappuchino and bagel, i just need an apple juice and a slice of pound cake, maybe a mcdonalds egg bacon cheese biscuit, but only if i was good.

last night i wasnt good. miss montreal wanted me to go to her house. i didnt want to do that. you should see this girl though. her roommate got on the phone and started yelling at me in french saying she was taking it personally that i never wanted to go to their house.

the place is full of french canadian beauty queens but im a homebody and i know what would go on over there. and who needs a bunch of people asking you questions and slowly picking you apart. the roommate said that there would be a car at my house at 7:30pm. it was 7:10pm. i said, how about 8:10pm, they said 7:45pm i said what time will this car take me home. she said 11pm you will be back at home. so i said, fine pick me up at 8:10. and i explained that i hadnt showered or shaved since friday. so they agreed to 8:10.

my girl arrived and looked good, smelled good. has some curves that defy gravity. sassy little smile. she’d been sick all weekend and of course the only night that we had to wake up early the next day would she be available. its ok though. canadian kisses are sweet.

we collected my things and she drove me up the hills to their mansion in the trees. very natural place, springs, butterflies, lightening bugs.

everyone was getting ready to watch Paradise Hotel, which i admit ive been following. three couples then us. i was very uncomfortable. if im being in couple mode i usually end up with at least one hand in an inappropriate place that gets slapped away. sorry.

afterwards people wanted to play a board game. i wanted to go home. i wanted to make out. she didnt want to give me her cold. gimme your cold, baby. she shook her head and wouldnt give me a kiss.

i had showered shaved clothed removed myself from writing all this beautiful literature for your collective behinds and i wasnt even going to get a kiss. hmmm. back in the day i would have pouted or been upset, but in a month and a half im going to be 110 years old.

i settled for the hand relief, kissed her cheek, dodged the paparazzi and slipped into the back door. the phone was ringing with hot chicks, but i unplugged the wire and prepared some cold cereal.

within an hour i was asleep.

gorilla mask + the ward + orby

which, of course is the day the canadians celebrate their independence from america.

i really dont know too much about Canada other than the fact that i get an inordinate amout of traffic from our neighbors to the north, and for that i am quite grateful.

from what i have heard even though there’s a lot of land Up There, there are just as many people in Canada as here in California.

wacky, eh?

All I have learned about Canada i learned from Second City TV and Much Music, so i think i have a pretty good grasp of life there.

famous people i can name from canada off the top of my head? ok, lets see, Pam Anderson, Bryan Adams, Michael J. Fox, Peter Jennings, Wayne Gretzky, Tommy Chong, and Helen Reddy.

How’s that?

ok, heres some that i had to look up:

Actors: Dan Aykroyd, Conrad Bain, Raymond Burr, John Candy, Jim Carrey, Phil Hartman, Tom Green, Lorne Greene, Eugene Levy, Rich Little, Norm MacDonald, Howie Mandell, Rick Moranis, Mike Myers, Matthew Perry, Jason Priestly, Keanu Reeves, William Shatner, Martin Short, Jay Silverheels, Donald and Kiefer Sutherland, Alan Thicke, Dave Thomas.

Actresses: Neve Campbell, Kim Cattrall, Margot Kidder, Carrie-Anne Moss, Catherine O’Hara, Mary Pickford, Dorothy Stratton, Jennifer and Meg Tilly, Shannon Tweed, Fay Ray.

Authors: Margaret Atwood, Saul Bellow, Leonard Cohen, Douglas Coupland, William Gibson, W.P. Kinsella.

Directors: James Cameron, David Cronenberg, Arthur Hiller, Norman Jewison, Lorne Michaels, Ivan Reitman

Entertainers: Monty Hall, Doug Henning, Art Linkletter, Alex Trebek

Musicians: Paul Anka, April Wine, BTO, Cowboy Junkies, Crash Test Dummies, Celine Dion, Maynard Ferguson, the Guess Who, Jeff Healey, kd lang, Gordon Lightfoot, Guy Lombardo, Sarah McLachlan, Joni Mitchell, Anne Murray, Oscar Peterson, Robbie Robertson, Rush, Paul Shaffer, Skinny Puppy, Hank Snow, Shania Twain, Gino Vannelli, Neil Young.

Wow! Thanks, Canada.

Sorry about all the pollution.