i did so much today, a photo essay

my maid Connie hasn’t been over in a while because i was broke and amber did a great job when she was here, but now shes not, so i called Connie and tried to explain to her that amber was not here any more

but any time i would say that she was all, oh how is amber?

her english is better than my spanish but we agreed to disagree that amber still lived here

anyway Connie said she would be here at 10am so at 9 i woke up which was a miracle

i went to the bank, got money for her, put it in an envelope and left it for her on the coffee table

didn’t really know what i was gonna do. for some reason i thought she said she only had 2 hours to clean, so i figured id kill time and be back around 2pm to play it safe. if theres one thing that embarrassess me its watching someone else clean up my mess.

heres a man with no shoes sleeping in front of a literal shoe palace

so i headed to north hollywood and then van nuys because i wanted to get a smog check and the last time i did it on this side of the hill i got massively ripped off.

so driving through van nuys i saw this mexican guy who was straight outta central casting with the knit cap, the boots, jeans, and flannel. but what i loved the most was his super thick moustache. he looked like a character from Homies. i wanted to be friends but the fact he wasnt wearing a covid mask was a deal breaker.

hadn’t had a car wash in forever so as i passed this one it said $5 Wednesdays. i asked alexa what day it was (yes i have alexa in my car) and she said it’s humpday, negro. score!

totally forgot when i was in Hollywood getting to the freeway i saw how the City was cleaning up this huge homeless encampment.

smog check went great. super fast. tipped the guy a few bucks for a Coke. and then of course passed a sign for a smog check for 1/2 what i paid but you know what, his place was clean, fast, and im not even sure he tested anything. he just said, now heres a nice man with a clean car, i bet the car is in perfect shape. that’s worth an extra $20 and a Coke tip, right?

was hungry so i went past the Panorama Mall. i dont know what it is but ive been obsessed with tamales since Christmas and it never subsided because i didnt get any at Christmas and now im making up for lost time.

theres this spot where theres all these little tents of people selling things like tacos and hotdogs and ice cream and so i park and ask this guy selling ice cream if he knows if anyone is selling tamales and he said dude right next to you. didnt even notice the gigantic sign.

i paid $4 for a wet tamale last month, then $15 for a tamale meal a week later. this guy sold me two delicious tamales for $4 so i gave him a kiss on the cheek and tipped an extra buck.

ended up in an elevator with this dog named Yayo, which is the best name ever.

once i had my smog check i figured why not go to the DMV and get my registration a month early? then i thought, dude you have AAA, go to their nearest office and they’ll hook you up. and do you know what? thats exactly what they did. very little waiting. bing bang boom. they even gave me my sticker and new registration. then i said ok now can i get a lower rate on my insurance, im not driving much any more, and my car has over 100k miles, no way should i be paying big bucks.

and the dude said youre right and rewrote my thing.

btw  im eating one of those tamales right now while listening to Echo play me a crazy mix of Cure songs. which is italian for i love you tony.

wasn’t really hungry but saw that KFC had a new chicken sandwich for $4 to compete against the Popeyes sandwich so i pulled over and got one and it was good but not as huge as the Popeyes one. and this is why im fat.

drove home by 3 and as i got close to my stoop i saw that Connie was still in there getting every nook and cranny which is el salvadorian for omg amber isnt here, her clothes are gone, all of her girlie things in the bathroom are vamoosed omg tony youre a bachelor again, let me do the best job ive ever done. so i got back in my car and drove more.

might have picked up some indica at this shop off Ventura Blvd.

everyone loved my shirt.

funny story about those glasses.

theyre now in a toilet in target.