the experts say dont tweet on super bowl sunday

hell, some of them say dont tweet on sundays at all

but especially not super bowl sunday because

“everyones watching TV!”

so how did my little video get 143,300 views?

and why do people, sorry, experts, always seem to have theories about when


to publish on social media?

do they ever tell you days you shouldnt tell your girlfriend you love her?

do they ever tell you which parts of the day you dont wanna be told youre incredible?

do they ever say which hours you shouldnt breathe?

a, b, c: always be (in the) conversation

always tell your girl she’s smokin hot

always tell yourself you da man

always be trying new ways to connect to that insatiable maw out there.

right now im trying to write a piece about cops.

ironically, im telling them that they should stop tweeting entirely

them, their deputy friends, and the entire force as a whole

why? because they suck at it and it’s embarrassing, and they only look foolish doing it.

but for some reason i am still stuck in this terrible writers block

something that was temporarily relieved when i went to a library a few weeks ago.

ive never dealt with this before and im sure its due to my lack of weed

how did that become my popeyes spinach?

but it did. it was a crutch. it was a habit that i thought i had under control

but if i cant write or dont wanna write or whatever you call this

then how was it not a liability?

i do feel healthier. i breathe easier. i dont wheeze. but i also dont sleep.

today is presidents day and the leaf blower guy didnt get the day off so i was up after just a few hours of sleep

and i dreampt i was tweeting

maybe thats a bad habit i gotta kick too

since clearly i have hit the high score.