they say when bill murray hops behind bars

as he sometimes does to the joy of everyone there

he will make screwdrivers no matter what the people order

and they will laugh and drink their screwdrivers and tell all their friends

i want to be like that.

i want to be so lovable and quietly funny that everythings a joke and light hearted

and loving and beautiful and when i die everyone will have a sweet story about me.

and sure, theres not so sweet stories about bill murray too.

like how he behaved on groundhog day.

but that shows that hes human. and if we accept his flaws and forgive them

maybe we should forget and forgive the flaws of others.

for example today i might be getting a check for a lot of money

or i might be getting what i have had for the last three months: nothing.

and i cannot believe i am finding myself in this position Again.

early last year a guy stiffed me for payment of my services

and then his buddy promised to settle up

and neither happened.

then at the end of the year a totally different guy decided to rob me of my earnings.

who am i presenting myself as being to the world that they think they can just do this to me?

i hate hate hate coming across as a victim, but sometimes we are victimized.

in both cases i dont see how i did anything wrong.

and yet here we are.

these people know i can sometimes become a powerful writer

and they know we have many mutual friends.

surely they know all i have to do is tell the story and no one will trust either of them ever again.

but they probably also know that

i don’t want to use my super powers for vengeance or for destroying people

or ruining friendships

i just want to pay my rent.

so i was watching the new batman tonight and just like in all the other batmans

he’s torn between beating the crap out of people

and showing mercy

it’s one of the more human traits of this very human super hero.

and this batman is sooooo emo its actually funny.

anyways i could relate.

i was not put on this earth to fuck shit up.

especially at my age.

maybe i was a ‘disruptor’ in theory when i was younger

but even when i was at the paper, i tried to show them that they too could use their well honed skills to beat the young bucks online.

and they wouldn’t have to do anything unethical.

some of them took me up on it and soared.

others watched.

i did enough watching as a teen.

which brings us back to what do i do?

in the new batman in the very first scene theres a great tune off nevermind

it fits so perfectly into the movie.

because im a million years old i was lucky enough to see nirvana at the forum,

when kurdt was at his most vulnerable he sat on a stool and played a few tunes on acoustic guitar.

he was wasted. but still the spirit was with him.

halfway through the first song someone threw a shoe at him.

which is equal parts rude and punk rock 101. but since it was the Forum i’d call it rude.

kurdt just let it soar over him.

he didnt acknowledge it.

the show went on.

i think in a lot of ways the best people don’t continue the cycle of hurt.

the buck stops with them.

and even though i really, truly, need all of this money thats owed to me

and even though i think these people really want me to give them back the energy that they know they deserve.

maybe the worst thing i could do is

cobain that shit and keep strumming my




love songs

of death.

tunes they could never write in a million years.