today is my niece kyla’s birthday, she’s 15

dear kyla,

happy birthday. i wish i knew how old you were when i took this picture of you but whatever.

15? how are you 15! i wonder what life is for a teenage girl today.

television and movies try to show us but that’s all lies.

at least that’s what my witty butler tells me when he’s not fighting crime.

here’s my birthday gift. im gonna give you the best advice of your life.

be good.

when people are good they stay under the radar.

why do you wanna be under the radar?

because youre gonna wanna do some things now and then that not everyone would want you to do.

life is the struggle between doing the things the world wants you to do

and the things that you wanna do.

all while dealing with the parts of your days that suck.

anyone can handle the easy, fun parts. but a human being is someone who can deal with the crud.

so study. do what you’re told. be good to your brother.

before you know it you’ll be out of the house on your own and you can do what you wanna do.

but theres the catch. in the outside world

even if you’re tony freaking pierce

people are gonna try to stop you from doing what you wanna do.

which is why you’ll be glad you have all that practice of being good.

because in the outside world if youve been good

the Others will leave you alone.

what i would do if i was you is figure out how you can get a college scholarship.

college costs more than all of the cars ive ever owned in my life

current car included.

use the internet.

figure out how you can go to college for free.

and get as many degrees as you can for free.

stay positive. read the bible. listen to the beastie boys

and if you drink, dont drive.

happy birthday!

your uncle tony

today is my niece Kyla’s birthday, she’s 14


kyla is a gemini.

often shes a sweet angel. but i hear reports that she’s not always that way.

but who can blame her, really, her favorite uncle is far away and she’s in a cold city

and a giant house, with every toy, animal, human, and christmas tree a teenage girl could ever want.

when i was her age i had a tv with three channels and an etch-a-sketch.

we had a rotary phone and an AM radio.

this chick’s got a PS4 AND an XBox One.

she didnt like her brother so they adopted a baby sister for her.

imagine that YOUR OWN BABY!

the pool in the backyard is jacked up to 92 degrees. there are flat screen tvs in every room.

and whenever she wants she can just “log on” to her computer (or phone or tablet or robot screen) and she can read the worlds greatest busblog.

when i was her age i was drawing detailed maps on three ring binder paper so i could stand on a chair and drop a freshly sharpened pencil down upon my little world and see who the “bomb” destroyed.

kyla has snapchat and instagram and minecraft and


i hope she knows how lucky she has it.

and how lucky we are to have her.

happy birthday kyla jo!