the mailbag is bursting it’s so full, so let’s get to it.

Q. What do you think of Mike Tyson?

A. If some guy with dreadlocks and a British accent was going to beat me at a fight, I would act super crazy too and try to freak him out. Mike is following the game plan perfectly. He’s still my favorite boxer of all time.

Q. I just met this girl, we’ve been having sex a lot, now she says she always feels like she has to pee but she doesnt have to pee.

A. Shes got a UTI – urinary tract infection. If you live near Mexico, go to Mexico and get the generic Ciporol that’s probably being sold for $2 a box now that the Anthrax scare is over. Take two pills a day for 5 days. And tell her to take care of the puddy after banging.

Q. I’ve seen your picture, there’s no way you’re getting all those girls.

A. I don’t understand it either. It’s starting to freak me out.

Q. What new records are you listening to?

A. “Glitter,” no lie. And I taped Yo Yo Ma and Emmanuel Ax opening the new opera hall in Philly and I listen to that all the time.

Q. Why do you believe in Jesus?

A. Cuz He writes better than me.

Q. What was the best moment of your life?

A. When I won the award for Best Arts & Entertainment Editor for my college paper.

Q. Why don’t you just change your site to

A. Don’t tempt me.

Q. Why don’t you write the way you used to?

A. Too much Civ III.

Q. Why don’t you write for a living?

A. No one has offered.

Q. How old are you, really?

A. Old enough to know what matters.

Q. What was the best movie of the year?

A. “Moulin Rouge” “Lord of the Rings” and “Amelie” and “Hedwig” and “Momento”.

Q. Why do you like Mariah so much?

A. Cuz she pays attention to me.

Q. Why do you like Bill Clinton, he thought with this dick.

A. True, but his dick was usually right.

Q. Are the Clippers for real?

A. No, but Clipper Girl is.

when mariah found out that i hadn’t bought the “Glitter” cd,

she emailed me saying she wasnt going to talk to me until I “got my act together.”

Little did she know that weeks previous I had signed her up under her fake name, Julie Van Maldegaim, into the BMG Music Club. You know the famous record and cd club where they give you 4 free cds, then you buy one, then they give you 5 more free cds. I chose all my cds to be Carey’s much-mailgned “Glitter”.

When my caller-ID said, “Mariah,” last night, I knew that the package had arrived at her Manhattan apartment.

“You’re so crazy,” she said.

“You’re so rich,” I said. “Nice job getting that free $28 million.”

“It wasn’t free, honey. That’s for sure.”

“Well I’m glad you didnt listen to me when I said for you to sell out for $25 million.” I said. I was cleaning my apartment.

“Don’t worry, I never listen to you,” she teased.

She was making towers with $20 bills in her boudoir. Her assistant was making towers with $20s in the guest room. They were competing. Every once in awhile Mariah would yell at her girl down the hall, “I’M UP TO FORTY-FIVE GRAND!”

“I’m sorry your record only went double platinum, Mariah.” I said.

“Yeah, I suck,” she giggled.

“Your career is over.” I said.

“Uh huh, nobody ever wants to hear me sing again.”

“I bet if you went into a mall no one would even recognize you.” I said.

“And if I announced a concert tour, I bet it only sells out in 4 hours.” she said.

“Real divas sell out in minutes.” I added.

“FORTY-SIX THOUSAND!” Mariah yelled. And then she squealed. “Oh poo, my tower fell over.”

“Ok, baby, ‘Undeclared’ is on,” I said.

“Aw shit, I hope I Tivo’ed it. Bye sweetie.” Mariah said, and had her girl hang up the phone.