i had my 10th carls jr beyond meat burger last night

i was reading exodus tonight for busblog bible study.

this is why i get all the chicks, fyi.

and old moses is telling pharaoh to let his people go an pharoah is all pound sand hebrew

it’s an interesting dance of pharaoh wanting to let them go because moses is just fucking egypt up with blood in nile which kilt the fish and the dead fish were all stinky

or frogs everywhere, even in the ovens

then all these fucking flies swarming everywhere

which i gotta say is a wickedly creative plague to sick on someone because it doesn’t matter if youre rich of poor, a swarm of flies is gonna ruin your day

but pharoah wants to be cool to moses but God keeps hardening pharoahs heart

which got me thinking this

what if the mean girls in the cafeteria dont wanna be mean but their hearts are being hardend

so you’ll have a reason to perform a magic trick.

which will free your people.

your sweet friends who have it hard enough trying to make bricks in the hot sun, but then taskmaster is like ok now do it with no straw.

your amigos cant even express their religion properly because one of the things the jews did back then

is they liked to sacrifice white cows.

egyptians were like wtf, none of that! even though they had no problem being dick masters to human slaves, they drew the line in regards to killing certain animals and one of them was the super rare white cow.

meanwhile, Moses’ buds liked to sacrifice white cows Because they were rare and were saying to God, we love you so much we will give this to you because its the best and weirdest and coolest and most beautifulest and killer cow – and it’s yours because you deserve the best.

like you and me, Moses loved his friends so much he forgot he had stagefright and was softspoken and not as handsome as his brother Aaron, he just went up to pharoah and said dont make me put boils all over you AND your magicians,  cuz i will if you dont let em go, and i will take delight watching these boils fester and make baby boils on top of the boils.

inspiration can come from many things. revenge is one.

love is another.

and harder.

i think thats the lesson of exodus.

today the press secretary said that God wanted trump to be president

as you know, im a very handsome fellow.

is that because God wanted me to be this fine?

as much as i wish it was the case, the answer, according to the Good Book is nah.

did God want Adam and Eve to eat from the tree? no, he was pissed about it. did God want the people of the Earth to be so fucked up that he flooded them out? did he want Sodom and Gomorrah? did he want the moneychangers in the temple?

of course not. Earth isn’t a Barbie Dream House where the same guy who invented a fully functioning heart, self focusing eyes, and skin that regenerates when it’s cut, also wrote a script that we all are forced to play along to.

how boring would that be for the most common dullard, let alone the man who created photosynthesis.

even Jesus is shocked when the woman in the crowd touches his hem. Jesus, God himself, walking around Earth is surprised. He’s surprised again on the cross when he cannot believe how long it’s taking to die.

what part of we are made in his image does the press secretary not understand? like us, God is surprised by things; because, like us, God would rather things happen naturally than him having to micromanage everything; because like us, even if you can convince yourself that you control things on Earth something bizarre happens, like the Cubs winning the World Series.

how do i know this? the bible. theres not one book in the Old Testament with more divine intervention than Exodus and yet spoiler alert Moses doesn’t make it to the promised land. you don’t think God wanted Moses in the promise land? moses was the face of the Jews. the very same tribe that God said he would deliver into the land of milk and honey. Moses was the one who got to talk to the burning bush, deliver the ten commandments, and truly commune with the Most High. and he’s not invited to Coachella?

but lets come home to Kings, which is really the only place one should go for guidance in regard to earthly rulers. In Kings we see a parade of both good leaders and bad ones.

the bad ones were often described like this, “He did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin which he made Israel to sin. [1 Kings 15:26]”

the old like father, like son dilemma, which our president has also been accused of being tangled. a sad patter than occurred before Christ and now after. Papa Trump, according to the failing new york times, did crooked deals to increase his wealth and status, and now President Trump follows in those unfortunate footsteps, but now on a grander scale.

sorry Sarah, the Lord didn’t want bad kings then. and he doesn’t want them now.

he didn’t want Aaron to encourage the jews to make the golden calf. he didn’t want Lot’s wife to look back. and he didn’t want me to look this good especially at this age with no hair.

if he wants anything, he wants us to live our best lives minus the training wheels, cheat codes or stolen emails.

60 million Americans and a handful of Russians wanted Donald Trump to be President, not God.

which is why Trump’s too chickenshit to have regular press conferences.