ist 326am and im procrastinating for some reason

i thought i had kicked this last week but here it is.

i was off to a good start yesterday but it was 80 degrees so i took a walk and kept walking because LA is fantastic.

ate two tacos: shrimp, fish.

drank an orange crush because im 9.

kept walking then was involved in a high level business call that included the words, “offer letter”

i said dont rush on that. hes such a nice person i dont know if the ideas im giving him are as good as he’s reactions are or if he’s just nice.

but we talked for two hours, which is an hour less than last time and he lives near zulieka so if i get the job maybe i can share a grilled cheese with her.

then it was time for dinner.

the other night i poured a can of minestrone in a pot and added beyond beef sausage, avocados and peas. by some miracle there was leftovers. dinner.

then moxie called with a lot of questions including the dreaded word: podcast.

that thing could either make me a million or ruin my life entirely.

a six year podcast. who wants that? i dont even have the attention span to watch an entire music video without going for my phone. how am i going to be committed to a 6 year project?

the only way i can even fathom it is by convincing myself that after a year it will have become so popular that people will be throwing themselves at me to tell me what to do next and heres a whole lotta money to do it.

i really need a microphone.

howard stern says he sees a shrink 3-4 times a week

LAand you know i love howard but im not sure his shrink is working.

howard has one of the greatest jobs in the world, he gets to talk to people. on the radio. for millions of dollars a year. tens of millions.

but howard hates his job so much that he only goes in three times a week and then has to take a week off.

it’s sort of a dream job in that sense but he swears he’s tortured. he swears he hates going outside. he swears he hates traveling during his vacations. he just wants to sit around and paint or play chess or watch tv.

im not sure that shrink is working because im pretty sure thats not what we as humans are supposed to enjoy the most.

especially humans who have met hundreds of humans over a lifetime and gotten them to talk about the most fascinating parts of their lives.

i bring up shrinks because i have had writers block on something for the last few months that i cannot unblock. i told beautiful zulieka about it and she advised that i should just write it and if it comes out bad, fine, just rewrite it but it will be easier the second time.

i agree.

but what if what i want to write is a proposal to change everything. what if what i am writing is my essay for why i should go to mars and die there. what if what i am afraid of is the same thing howard is avoiding which is if we put it all out there then we are lost then we are not us. we will have no control. we will be forever changed.

when howard holds back from his audience he may not be thrilled with the results but at least he knows he affected something. that weird sad element of control has been enabled and he can see it.

likewise when i dont do something i can see the lack of growth and i know i did it. i know. i know.

its a small, dumb, foolish game. and all i have to do is say to myself, no i wont uber tonight, i will drive straight home after work and i will write the thing that will only take two hours to write and i will send it to nasa and that will be that and then they will read it and say duh of course why didnt we think of that and i can go on my merry way and my life will be forever changed.

but best of all, i will have helped others. which, howard, i think is the point of us being on this planet.

and we should stop being selfish with our crazy magic.