the night started slow, it was cold, it had rained, but there i was driving a french dude and his rich girlfriend from brentwood to hollywood

and they were fighting.

every now and then he’d switch from english to french

but i parlez frances une petite peut

so.

at issue was the fact that he had texted an ex gf something along the lines of “it’s too bad you have a bf or else i would…”

the girl in the car said, “or else what? what would you do?”

he was cornered. he answered the only way he could – by not answering

“zo, you are checking my phone now? voila!” he fired back.

she ignored him. “what would you do? did you tell her you had a girlfriend? how many other exes do you say these things to?”

at some point he successfully changed it to how she didn’t seem pleased with the expensive meal he had just treated her to.

“of course i liked it. i even gave you money because you overspent on me. it was unnecessary,” she said.

we were getting off the freeway and exiting on a long off ramp. as i slowed down to the stop light to fairfax he rolled down his window, which was odd because it was so cold outside and nice and toasty in my ride.

he reached into the breast pocket of his blazer and removed his wallet. then he took out $40 and threw it out the open window!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING JEAN MARC? she said

“i dont need your money, im not with you for your money. i only want you to be happy. you take lobster, i pay for the lobster. you take champaign, i pay. you take a nice dessert, d’accord. i have my own money. i dont need yours.”

we still had 5 more minutes to go to get to the restaurant and i promised myself that if jean marc threw out any more money i was going to run out and collect it. i wasnt driving out in these wet streets for blog material.

but it was nice to have some.

for once.

it was raining, but it was surging so i said fuckit and drove after work

we’re all gonna die anyways.

got this rich businessman coming out of a beverly hills hotel.

we were talking about this mixer he just came outta.

i says, so you guys buy companies

he goes, invest, buy, sell, real estate too.

i go whats your game plan for weed?

he says oh we’ve got a couple companies into it. big time.

i go, ok heres my question. i heard these dispensaries cant put their money in the bank because its federally against the law and banks have to answer to the feds.

he goes yeah.

i go, ok you said you also do real estate. so if a dispensary has lets say $10 million, can they buy a damn mansion through you, rent it out for a little while, then flip it?

he says no because even if you buy a house with cash, which you can do, the seller has to put that cash in a bank and youve gotta explain where you got anything over $10k.

so i say so what do you do with the weed money from those companies you own

he says we buy old cop cars and make them look as close to cop cars as possible and we use those to transport the cash to the safe house.

then he tells me how much weed is selling for in pounds, then he converted it down to the gram.

i asked are you a math wiz?

he said, no, ive always been interested in weed.

then he asks me, ask me how many grams are in a pound?

i go, how many grams are in a pound.

and he goes 453.6

we approached a gate he said drive over to the box.

we roll slowly, he rolls down his window, he punches in a code into the box

the gate slides open, and we drive up

and up

and up.

we had our work company party yesterday at BOA steakhouse and when it was over they let us go home early which is always nice.

but instead of going home i started Ubering and the first ping i got was on Uber Select and it was a mental health doctor who wanted to go to Newport Beach which was almost 2 hours away.

it was gonna cost him about $175 and i would keep about $135 of it. thats the good news, the bad news was the traffic would be brutal and he didnt wanna talk that much. but when we did talk it was great.

first thing i asked him was if he thought Kanye was crazy. he said he grew up with Texas hip hop and reeled off a half dozen names, said he saw the Watch the Throne concert at Yankee Stadium which was Kanye vs Jay Z. and he said yes Kanye was probably a little sick and could def use help. but he also said that massive creativity edges insanity.

crazy people are just hyper sensitive to the things around them, the doc said. it was nice.

i told him about a girlfriend i had who was probably bipolar and how much i loved her but there wasnt anything i could do about it. he said there isnt anything people can do. we can recommend things like diet and exercise but if they dont want therapy on their own, they’re not going to trust anyone.

this doc was against meds. he thought meditation and hypnotherapy does wonders. he said theres a theory that 85% of our consciousness is subconscious and we can tap into it, but only if we can numb the conscious and the best way to do that is to hypnotize it, not in a magic trick way but in a temporary clinical way. he said he had done it and it was fantastic. he said so much of the unproductive things in the sub conscious are learned and can be unlearned and lead us to clarity.

then he asked me what i did when i wasnt driving.

i said i fight crime.

he said, yeah but what do you do for fun?

i said, social media for the academy. and we talked about targeted facebook ads.

but then we got back to craziness. he said he has offices all over the country and he said ppl on the East Coast are waaaaay crazier than those on the West. i asked is that bc our weed is better out here? he said, a little!

but he also said the weather can psychologically fake you out. he said imagine you live in Boston and 10% of the year you literally cannot get out and do things, after a while you’ll start believing that 10% of the things in your life are impossible to overcome.

meanwhile in California theres never a day where you cant go out there and go for it. because of that people out here think theres nothing they cant do. and that positive outlook bleeds into other aspects of their lives.

also he says families can make you crazy because its so ingrained. he said people back east who never move away from their families get rooted down and stymied. whereas if you are on the west coast away from your past you can reinvent yourself or — be your own kind of crazy, which is way healthier.

he took my business card because he wanted to talk more about social media.

and i was all, take two, i might be bipolar too 🙂

i was trying to drive over at USC but i got caught up at this Church’s Chicken drive thru.

the squawk box was broke so everyone had to wait in line and order at the window – in your car – it was a mess

and the weird thing about having your Uber Select radar on in the hood is you might be the closest person to a

smokin hot, super skinny, probably on coke, wild-minded, sex-on-the-brain new yorker

who is going on a blind date in Beverly Hills.

David? I asked whe she got in.

David is the gentleman who did the right thing and ordered this car, I’m Carla.

within minutes we were talking about sex, models, not eating at fancy restaurants, anorexia, bulimia,

and threesomes.

“im the star of the show, honey, it’s all about me.” she laughed.

and it was.

some drives i have to lead the conversation. sometimes i have to pry.

with Carla i found myself going backwards

now wait, you just said XYZ, lets delve into that more.

she laughed a lot. so much energy. she asked for a water. people never do that. of course i had it.

when i dropped her off she walked a few steps in front of my car, incredibly tight jeans.

turned around and winked.

and i was all, David, i hope to hell you’re ready.

and i look at myself in the mirror and i think, now i could understand if i got this offer at 20, 30 or even 40

but how is this happening now that im knock knock knocking on heavens door?

maybe shes trying to get in my will.

right now my will is being rewritten because previously i had left all of my worldly possessions to the Cubs so they could sell them and buy a left handed starter

but now that we’re world series champs, all i want for Christmas is my sink of dirty dishes cleaned.

so i appreciate her, and what i hope are some inappropriate uniforms, coming over to take care of them.

last night i drove around USC, and speaking of inappropriate, it was an Uber Pool, meaning you pick up someone and before you drop them off you pick up someone else.

in the front seat was this frat boy surfer dude

in the back were two chinese computer science majors.

surfer bra goes what sort of weed do they have in china?

guys in the back laugh and say they have never smoked pot.

we’re heading to the off campus apartment complex called the Lorenzo.

surfer goes, you live in the Lorenzo and youve never smoked pot?

china guy says, only the Americans smoke that.

i laugh. Americans.

chinese guy says, isn’t that addictive?

surfer says, havent you ever been addicted to a video game? like you cant stop thinking about it. your hands get sore playing? or what about a girl, have you ever been obsessed by some hot chick? both of those are way more addictive than weed.

then the chinese guy goes our parents told us not to do it.

surfer says, didnt your parents tell you not to wack off?

everyone laughs.

loudest of all: a muffled voice in the trunk.

i dont usually do x rides that early in the evening because theres a good chance the consultants have yet to leave the building

but i have no patience any more and i just turned it on and got this movie producer from the international over to this steak house in beverly hills.

turned out we knew some of the same people. small world.

uber has this thing where it will hook you up with a new ride sometimes before youre finished with the ride you’re still doing, which is what happened

dropped off the producer picked up this quiet businessman who lived in the val.

encino i said and i said it in a happy way, like hey just going with the flow is working out. long trip and we end up somewhere i hardly ever am.

first waze said take the 405, but you know who takes the 405 at 7pm on a monday? sucker MCs.

i aint no sucker MC and neither is my passenger so we took Sepulveda and wound over and to the side of the 405 and it was smooth sailing.

climbed up the hill and boom i was good. figured id be like tom petty and just take ventura blvd back to hollywood but id turn on the Select Only and see if i got lucky. called my mom to ask her what she thought about Jimmy Kimmel being the host of the show and before i knew it i was getting a Select ping.

picked up a beautiful Puerto Rican music exec at a restaurant in Encino. she comes out with two suitcases and friends. suitcases? down here in the Val? to the airport?

to the airport.

and it was so nice. 405 south, sucker MCs, but we were a carpool going the right way. carpool lane was empty. maybe 400 cars all going south, all solo. so weird. we talked about Cuba and JLo and Pitbull.

Uber is the best invention ever, she said.

and told me about how she was in a rush at the Miami airport and just said fuckit and got a cab and it was hot and she had her french bulldog with her and she asked the cab if he could turn on the AC

and he said, i dont turn on the air for

dogs.

i gasped.

she said, that’s my baby!

i said, i know.

and i knew.

i always do

time takes time.

been sending emails back and forth with Uber for like a month.

at USC they have this special deal with Uber that im sure ive talked about. i like it because it’s short rides, everyones nice,

and best of all they are out there waiting for you right away because

a) kids are alright
b) kids understand ubes
c) they’ll get charged $5 if they’re not there in two minutes

when the payout is right you can make decent money and every now and then one of the people at USC wants a Select ride and there you go off into the night.

the trouble with Ubes is they outsource their email support to a dark dark place — it could be all a computer program out in Westworld for all i know because all the responses are canned and they hate being specific about you

finally today i either got super lucky or said the magic words but i got someone who actually understood what i was trying to say and bingo i got my money.

persistence. clarity of message. asking for what you want.

next time i’ll ask for some pre-IPO shares

and at first i thought they were paying me right but when i got home i saw that they werent.

i wrote them and they just lied and lied and lied.

so today i showed them that they were wrong and i told them that if they didnt fix it i was going to write to my local newspaper.

but in reality if they are wrong i am going to write to the Massachusetts lawyer who successfully sued them in a class action suit.

this would also be a class action suit because im sure it affects every driver who picks up passengers at USC after 7pm.

i used to say that if i had to do it all over again i would be a guitar player because everyone loves guitarist. but thats not entirely true.

now i say if i had to do it all over again i would be a lawyer

not because everyone loves lawyers but because everyone at least respects lawyers and are forced to pay attention to them if they send you a letter.

it sucks that life is like that but whatever, it is what it is, as they say.

tomorrow i am going to MC a book reading.

my life is over.