this always happens

i have the best plans. i know it all in my head. sometimes i’ll write it down.

sometimes i’ll even put it on my wall.

simple things like: blog every day, dummy.

then i wont. i’ll do ANYTHING else.

who wouldnt wanna blog on the world famous? who wouldnt want to be able to say anything and theres a good chance that someone will read it?

just the other day someone was all, omg are you the tony pierce of the busblog?

that was like the third person this month who asked me that.

blogging is dead. the blogosphere is def dead. how could they know this thing?

and what do i do? i stop the momentum.

last month i had 28 posts, this month wont even be 20.

i cant blame amber, she’s not even here.

i cant blame the demands of my job.

i cant blame anyone but myself.

is it true that there are things that i wanna say that i dont feel right saying because i dont wanna make it public? OF COURSE but that could be said to every day of the 20 years that ive had this thing.

somehow the show goes on.

i give springsteen a hard time for not being that wild and innocent rhymemaster that he was on his first album. i say Dylan, Tom Waits, even Tom Petty were able to crank em out later in their careers.

but then i cant even navel gaze.

DMed a pretty girl the other day and she DMed me back.

maybe one day i’ll write about women in this thing.

pretty girl canceled on me yesterday


how is that possible?

and this isnt her first time either.

i know ive gained weight, lost some hair, let myself go a little.

but deep down im still capable of magic.

or at least illusions.

later in the night she was texting me and she dropped in a little joke.

she sent me a picture of an old man and said she had had sex with him that afternoon.

now i am a man with a vivid imagination and even though nothing in Here is true,

one thing ive learned from Real Life is anythings possible.

so i believed her.

and i texted “tell me more”

time passed and she did not tell me more, it just hung there like a wedding day fart

just lofting over the congregation.

wafting, hovering, weirdly getting larger and danker and more eerie.

it became so large it grew hair on its chin and knuckles

it bought a top hat and gloves, someone put a petunia in its lapel

its fingernails grew and yellowed and curled.

it became so large a representative from Jenny Craig left a leaflet on its door.

and then she admitted that she was just kidding


and i said, baby fine as you are you can do whatever you want with your body

just be careful what you do on days when you cancel on me

because that will disturb my disposition.

she apologized, sent nudes, and assured me of my place in her world.

still not sure if that old guy got any

but for today, we’ll trust in the universe

today is international womens day

whats supposed to happen is all the ladies are supposed to go on strike and not buy anything.

even on their day they’re being told what to do.

now i could sit here and make a big long list of all the women who have supported me in one way or another or who gave me a break to go do my thing or who have shown me love in various ways.

but in a way that would be making this about me. it’s not. today is about them.

the women.

who weirdly are the majority of this country and yet they are treated like theyre not.

here’s the thing i dont understand. rape.

i have a niece who in a few years will be at college. hopefully she will choose the university of california, isla vista, which is a little slice of heaven on earth

but just like most universities, 1 out of every 3 women are sexually assaulted there.


rape should have a mandatory minimum sentence of 5 years in jail. something tells me that might put a dent in terrible situation. maybe add this: if you rape again you get 15 years. rape again, life in prison.

women, the majority, should not have to fear walking down the street.

in america.

the beautiful.

the alleged land of the free.

if theres one gift men, who are in power, could give to our mothers and sisters and daughters and nieces, it would be actual safe streets. is that too hard? if it is then maybe we need to get out of power for a little while.

something tells me if the roles were reversed and instead of  the US Senate having 21 female senators, it had 79… something tells me there would be mandatory minimums with rape convictions, women’s health would not be something we ever debated, and our country would be a lot more civil.

And peaceful

and loving

and caring

and smart.

Sadly men would never allow it.