like a theif in the night

someone slipped into my cave and tapped me on the shoulder.

suddenly i heard alarms go off and terrible bashing sounds.

then an earthquake.

i was pulled up by the hair and began soaring.

all i could see was blonde hair dyed with red.

he held me in one arm and flew while shooting a shotgun at the demons that came at us from all angles.

one gruesome creature ripped at a wing and got it good.

we fell.

we landed on a molten lava flow and i saw it was kurt,

he reloaded his shotgun and stood in front of me and picked off one guy

after another.

heads popped off like plastic champagne corks.

infact what was freaky was that kurt only aimed at the heads and hit nearly every one with each shot.

when he ran out of bullets he shot a stream of webbing from his wrist,

picked me up and swatted the second round of demons with a strat that he wore against his back.

we soared higher and higher,

he bit the top off of what looked to be a hand grenade and dropped it

and within a second,

less than a second even,

it exploded

and the energy lifted us up fast

and soon we were in

absolute darkness.

splink + raymi + track n field + keeping it real

in hell, these are men.

so be careful.

deceit is everything here.

trickery. lies. the fakeout.

you can be playing football and your whole offensive line will just let the fuckers run right thru on an all-out blitz and you’re going to eat it for a down

or two.

what can you do?

they know that the easiest thing to do is to let some motherfucker storm through like a bitch, but they don’t care.

you take a breather when you can down here.

let someone else pay for a minute, at least it’s not you.

people fight sometimes but it’s not really worth it.

you’d be surprised how peaceful it can be once you learn to ignore the shrieks and the terrible moans of suffering and the unbelievable sounds of bones being broken and crushed and twisted and bleached and rebuilt.

the men look like women and the women look like ugly women except for the poor who look like transvestites with big feet and adams apples and fake boobs and prom dresses.

the crowd stomped their feet and applauded when a she-she like they’re called stepped up to me in the sex palace, but i was just there to watch.

it was my day off from performing.

so i went back to work on my cotton candy and nodded to the damned

and kissed the hand

of the woman

who looked like a man

but was really a woman.

they play van haggar everywhere you go.

and everyone is wearing burberry.

love from montana + golden fiddle loves karisa (and who doesnt) + bunny will be in LA tonight!

another suprising thing about hell

is the laughter. at first i thought it was just like the middlemanager demons who were laughing, but no, everyone laughs from time to time.

i think the thing is, in order to truly suffer you need to have the dynamic of happiness n joy so when youre in pain its more of a contrast.

if people were just always miserable their misery would just end up being normal.

like if you swam in a cold pool for a while, it would eventually not feel so cold. but if youre in a hot tub and then jump in the pool its jarring.

so they let you laugh here, in fact they have plasma screen tvs all over the place and they make you look at them until you laugh at something.

lots of times the screens have websites and blogs cuz those can be pretty damn funny sometimes.

this morning i was shocked to see one of my favorite blogs, the Instapundit on one of the screens. people were crowded around the flat monitor and reading it and laughing to themselves and walking away slapping each other on the back.

when i finally made it close enough to read, i saw this: “April 14, 2005
HERE’S A LIST of members of Congress with relatives on the payroll. Seems like a bipartisan sport.”

i was all, what are you all laughing about? isnt having relatives on the payroll bipartisan?

one of the demons, said, dude look at the page he’s linking to.

and it was a list of senators and congresspeople who had paid their relatives out of their campaign fund.

and i was all, so?

and the demon slapped me and said fuck brain look at the people on that list – are Any of them giving their wife and one daughter a half million dollars over the last three years?

and sure enough they were right. the biggest payout on the list the professor linked to was Rep. Jerry Lewis from California who gave his wife “nearly $111,000” for being his congressional chief of staff.

but the rest of the list included family members getting paid pretty reasonable amounts ($1,000 a month to a congressman’s sister-in-law for bookkeeping, $3,000 over a year to another congressman’s nephew to be a driver, etc.)

in hell theres very little paper, so you can add shit in your head like a motherfucker.

we were adding the list the instapundit pointed to and broke it down by democrat and republican and yes that list seemed pretty bipartisan if you left out delay’s wife and daughter

but if you added the delay clan, and then added to the list a story the good professor doesnt link to for some reason, one that reports that dick cheney’s gay daughter mary was paid $81,000 last year. then it looks like, again, that it pays to be a republican, big time.

theres little that demons find funnier than right wing apologists, who have been very quiet about the majority leader, linking to an article that makes him look like the greedy bastard that he is.

if youre looking for bipartisanship, look no further than hell

where the population includes just as many DEMocrats as cONServatives.

defjon + ferdi + write hard + matt good

if youre good in Hell

and do something really spectacular that week like throw a virus into the internet that fucks up a bunch of computers, or cause a major pileup on a freeway, or cause a crazy tsunami, or help phil collins release a new cd, some of the arch devils will let you go to a raider game.

i was bad last week but not that bad.

two of the guys who got to go came back this morning and told us all how great it was.

i was super jealous cuz i love the raiders.

the best gift i ever got was a long time ago my old girlfriend got me Raiders / Broncos Monday Night tickets and she was so cool that she didnt even make me take her, she said i could take one of my housemates.

i love that girl.

theres lots of ways to make it back to Earth temporarilly. you can get a guest pass, or you can get a little assignment, like when i had to be a santa claus in the mall that one day.

but sometimes you can come back to Earth on a permanant basis, the only catch is you are either disfigured in one way or another or you get a lame job.

lots of famous people are actually Damned Souls who worked out a deal where they could spend their time on Earth as opposed to shoveling coal, like im doing today, in the Depths.

Alan Greenspan is a great example.

Alan wanted to do a good job on Earth but his punishment for being an asshole in his past life is being a total imbecile in this life.

Which is why he has lost trillions of dollars in the economy as the Fed Chairman.

Some might think that he would want to cripple the US economy, being that he is a demon and all, but no, just the reverse. Some hellions have been known to get a repreive if they do a good job on Earth despite their doomed status. Jack Nicholson is a great example. William S. Burroughs is another.

These are men who were damned, worked out a deal to spend some time on Earth and faught against the devil’s prodding to do evil, and they served mankind with goodness. Sure they lost a few battles and took a golf club to a windshield or murdered a woman, but for the most part they led decent lives and inspired others to follow suit.

I got an offer last night to come back to Earth as an AIDS baby, but i declined. I’ll wait for something better to come up, like be a Black Republican Senator or something slightly evil like that.

speaking of evil, i saw hitler at the gym on saturday.

i said, hi hitler.

he grumbled.

you’d think he’d be a big wig here, but he’s not, his assignment was to take over the world and he failed. he’s considered a failure. he hands out towels outside the sauna.

sorta ironic, but not really.

i kneed him in the nuts.

he couldnt do anything since he was chained to a rock.

ive been getting into a few fights down here.

its all good.

verbungle + i was mentioned in Sploid! + merci emmanuelle