ugh, a music war

Every morning I kiss my GF and tell her to run away for several hours because I am going to dive head first into the septic tank and fish around for chunks of gold which I will then place into a list of COVID stories.
 
I am a sensitive man. I may not seem like this affects me, but when every day there’s a 9/11 of deaths and illnesses and suffering, it hurts me because, these are people and I love people.
 
Who cares if you have a pre-existing condition? I am a relatively healthy man but if I did from the Rona they will say oh he had high blood pressure. As if I ordered it off Amazon too many times. If my GF dies they will say oh but she had the diabetes. As if she begged for it. These were both conditions nature delivered to us which we take meds for and try to eat in healthy ways. Then this hidden killer as I call it gets you in the middle of the night and yr gone.
 
So delving into that pit of news every day is emotional for me but it’s important to the website I work for because it brings eyeballs and if there’s one thing you know about me it’s that I have been figuring out how to get eyeballs to web sites since 591 Haight Street in 1994.
 
I try to do it in a sensible, informative, respectful way. The other ways may be effective to, but I like the straight and narrow path.
 
The problem with that dive into the muck is I am a terror to deal with for hours afterwards. Here it is 5 hours later and I am still a mess, in part, because the failing NYTimes in a link on this list below, says that by next month we will see 3k deaths every day. That’s more than a 9/11 a day. People alive and flipping the TV will not see the fourth of July. I have a thick skin for many things but not that.
 
Usually after I make that list I lay down for a few minutes or I take a nap or I have a shower. Today I had to take a meeting. I don’t like meetings. In my world all meetings should not only be emails, but they should be Tweets.
 
The only exception to that is if it is a motivational meeting where the boss goes around and praises everyone individually and we all clap for everyone. I ran LAist for a little while and we never had one meeting. We had drink fests once a month, BBQs at my place and sometimes work would come up, but never meetings.
 
Am I weird. Very. Should I expect that the world would act like I do? Nope.
 
But because I am weird I get uptight a lot. Nowadays more than ever. In part because I feel like at 53 years old I should be given the benefit of the doubt that I have not only been around the block, but I have been around This block and I etched my name in the old oak tree.
 
Because of that I never want any one to ever say no to me. An insane request. It’s a Trumpian come-from. Obama would never say that. He wouldn’t even think it. Obama would never say, I went to Harvard. I got Michelle to marry me. I got white people to vote for me. Are you crazy to disagree with me about anything?
 
But I am not Obama. Hell, I lost to Larry freaking Speer. By only one vote, but I lost. And I am glad I lost because I didnt wanna run that ship, I wanted to write. And I am writing now. And it’s great to write every day. It’s great.
 
It’s great.

went to the beach

saw my bro, called my mom, at fast food, looked at the people, listened to howard.

i kept my hand on ambers leg for most of the journey.

got home Prince had puked, i think Michael has fleas

watched the Bulls doc, got super inspired.

i know im not the MJ of anything but its interesting to watch someone be so dedicated to something for no good reason. because really who cares if you’re The Best

theres always some jackhole about to get born whose gonna see what you did and genetics and luck and training and study is gonna kick your ass at it and hes not even gonna have to face the people you had to mow down

so why bother?

how about just be yourself and dont worry bout no one else? is that so hard?

life is crazy ill tell you that. i never thought i would be here doing this right now topless on a computer that fits perfectly on my knee and i can open Photos and copy and paste and boom boom boom

but Jordan does make me wanna do bigger things than I am used to. i was transcribing this piece that was only supposed to be part of something but i made it its own thing. who knows if my boss will allow it to be its own thing but its just right as a standalone. then in a few days i can make another standalone and another.

mooshing doesnt always do what you want it to. sometimes a pipe is just a pipe. sometimes many stories is better than just one long one.

i just want to live in a world where nobody says no to me they just let me make things. new things. because — and this is a hard thing for me to explain properly — when i do something it’s not just it, it’s part of something

it’s building blocks. it’s connected. it’s books in the bible. it’s words in a sentence that turns into a paragraph that eventually equals a page.

my whole life ive just wanted to do. and for some reason i find myself around others who want me to stop or slow or fit into a box. i may look normal but im so not normal. there is no box for me. who else would go in it with me? not bukowski, i dont drink any more. not ee cummings, i dont poetry any more. not jd salinger, im west coast. so who? no one. not one blogger because im one of the last. not one journalist because im secretly a blogger.

no one, im alone. defenseless.

n pure

ish.