this sucks. fuck, man, that was a bitch.

winona, we saw you walking around that store in an overcoat with hands full of clothes.

i was shopping. duh. i had already paid $3,675 for some other junk earlier that day there.

you were in “girl, interrupted” a movie about a girl who, among other things said that she liked to steal just to see if she could get away with it.

was there a question in that?

yes, are you a girl who likes to see if she can steal just to get away with it?

no, that was a movie i did years ago. i produced it. i starred in it. angelina won an oscar off it. in my mind that was a totally successful project. it baffles me that people might think that i am still trying to live through that character. it’s ridiculous, actually.

what do you think of the security guard who arrested you?

that security guard was insane. she got caught trying to selling her story to the tabloids and she got caught of stealing my celebrity friend’s phone numbers from my address book after she took my purse!

friends like who?

keanu reeves, bono, marc brown.

how did Peter Guber get on the jury?

Peter Guber?

yeah, the former head of Sony Pictures, the guy who helped produced “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” and “Age of Innocence,” films you starred in and made him a bunch of money?

Age of Innocence only made $32 million, sort of a faliure when you think that Daniel Day-Lewis, Michelle Pfeiffer, and I were the big names.

Whatever, Dracula made $100 million, you starred in it, Gruber made money off it. What the hell was he doing on your jury?

Hey, i’m entitled to a jury of my peers, aren’t I?

But no one thought he was going to put you in jail..

Just cuz Mr. Guber is a studio chief doesn’t make him a dishonest man. But I will hate him forever, of course.

is it true that you wrote a confession statement in the detention room at Saks and it was not allowed into evidence by the judge because you hadn’t been made aware of your rights?

i woulda signed anything at that point. you know how hot it gets in overcoats in a store? i just wanted to go home. it woulda been my first crime, i would have to pay a fine and do some community service.

so you did it?

i didn’t do it.

so why confess?

why not?

cuz then people would think you’re a weirdo thief.

people already think im a weirdo.

i don’t.

nobody thinks like you tony, you don’t count.

hmmm, is that a good thing?

it’s a very good thing.

so what are you going to do now?

i’m going to appeal, go to disneyland and i’m gonna pre-order your book.

how about this idea that you might go to jail?

lots of cool people have been to jail: Jesus, tim allen, martin luther king jr., my godfather timothy leary, jim morrison, james brown, pete rose, mike tyson, st. paul.

do you think it will be cool in prison? surely you dont.

i’ll make it fun.

thanks for this exclusive interview, winona.

anytime, sweetie.

appellate blog

that’s mr. crazy turban sikh guy to you, tony. i hear you’re under the weather.

yeah, i dont know what it is. its fucked up though.

take the day off.

im out of sick days.

here in india, you get as many sick days as you want.

wow.

no, not really, i just wanted to cheer you up.

uh, okay.

hey i want one of your books. am i one of the first twenty?

you can have a book, but no, we’re at 21 now.

arrggg. well, that’s okay. it’s still just $10 + shipping right?

yep. but only five more days at that price though.

thats a great price. how do you do it?

the presale books are just to reward the people for buying it early. i pretty much lose money off of those. i like good deals in real life, so here’s a chance that i can offer a good deal. plus it gets the book out there and once it’s out there i think people will like it and maybe buy more later.

hey, you still seeing ashley?

yep, saw her last night.

you’re seeing a lot of her, huh?

she was up here to volunteer at cedar-sinai hospital. then she came over. then she found out that Charlie’s Angels 2 was filming at hollywood and highland, so she kissed my overheated forehead and drove over there to wave at Drew, and they spotted her and made her an extra.

that happened to me when they filmed Empire Strikes Back here.

really?

no.

you have an interesting sense of humor, sikh dude.

why, thank you.

okay, im gonna get back to saving the world now.

hey, did they legalize weed in nevada yesterday?

nope.

i heard the repubs kicked ass last night.

i’d rather not talk about this right now, fella.

was there any good news for liberals in the elections yesterday?

yeah, in illinois they voted in the first democrat gov’nor in 25 years.

nice job.

yeah, he looks like a dope though.

more dopey than most politicians?

hmmm, guess not.

okay have a great day, tony, my american friend.

right back at you, crazy– i mean mr. crazy sikh hat guy.

caio!

mcblogger

hi tony, hows it going?

shitty.

republicans got you down?

ever heard of a train, man on the moon?

a choo choo train?

no, a gangbang. when one guy after another has sex with a girl. they call it a train.

oh yeah. a train. i mean, huh?

i feel like i got caught up in a train today.

im sorry, tony. why dont you talk about it, sometimes it helps.

nah.

go ahead. i’m all ears.

nah.

seriously, it would be my pleasure to help you. you’re always there for us.

bitching about stuff is for bitches.

as an astronaut i can tell you, the planets are all f’ed up. dont take it personally.

got outta work late tonight, walked a mile to the busstop, realized i left my wallet at the office, walked back. turned out it was in the garbage can.

what the hell was it doing there?

who knows?

tony, can i ask you a serious question?

sure, moon man.

are you on drugs?

thats the sad thing. im not. i got pretty drunk last week, but not room-spinning drunk.

no pot, no acid, no coke?

i told you, on halloween those wizards offered me some weed and i said no, ask moxie she was there. i said no.

hugs not drugs?

hugs not drugs.

well tony, shit, you read the bible. you know the story of job.

i aint job.

well, duh, but that doesnt mean that sometimes the good Lord doesnt let the devil at you for an hour or two.

but a whole day?

sure, why not. maybe two days sometimes.

fuck.

yep.

so im supposed to just take it.

uh huh.

and hope it gets better in the morn?

it probably will.

and what if it doesnt?

then suck it up. be a man. what do you want, a shoulder to cry on?

no.

good, now shape up. the kids look up to you.

dumbasses.

shhhh.

okay, thanks astronaut guy.

youre welcome tony. get some sleep.

k, night.

jack bogdanski

(Diamond, Horovitz, Yauch)

And on the cool check in

Center stage on the mic

And we’re puttin’ it on wax

It’s the new style

Four and three and two and one (What up!)

And when I’m on the mic – the suckers run (Word!)

Down with Adrock and Mike D. and you ain’t

And I got more juice than Picasso got paint

Got rhymes that are rough and rhymes that are slick

I’m not surprised you’re on my dick

B-E-A-S-T-I-E, what up Mike D.

Ah yeah, that’s me

I got franks and pork and beans

Always bust the new routines

I get it – I got it, I know it’s good

The rhymes I write – you wish you would

I’m never in training – my voice is not straining

People always biting and I’m sick of complaining

So I went into the locker room during classes

Bust into your locker and I smashed your glasses

You’re from Secausus – I’m from Manhattan

You’re jealous of me because your girlfriend is cattin’

There it is – kick it!!!

Father to many – married to none

And in case you’re unaware I carry a gun

Stepped into the party – the place was over packed

Saw the kid that dissed my homey and shot him in the back

I had to get a beeper ’cause my phone is tapped

You better keep your mouth shut ’cause I’m fully strapped

I got money in the bank – I can still get high

That’s why your girlfriend thinks that I’m so fly

I’ve got money and juice – twin sisters in my bed

Their father had envy so I shot him in the head

If I played guitar I’d be Jimmy Page

The girlie’s I like are underage (Check it!)

Girls with boyfriends are the kind I like

I’ll steal your honey like I stole your bike

Your father – he’s jealous ’cause I’m making that green

I’ve got the girlie’s numbers from the places I been

that is…

You wanna know why – because I’m

October 31st – that is my date of birth

I got to the party and I did the Smurf

Taxing all females from coast to coast

And when I get my fill I’m chilly most

We rag-tag girlies back at the hotel

And then we all switch places when I ring the bell

I chill at White Castle ’cause it’s the best

But I’m fly at Fat Burger when I’m way out west

K-I-N-G-A-D whammy

All the fly ladies are on my jammy

Went to the prom – wore the fly blue rental

Got six girlies in my Lincoln Continental

Met this girl at the party and she started to flirt

I told her some rhymes and she pulled up her skirt

Spent some bank – I got a high powered jumbo

Rolled up a wooly and I watched Colombo

Let me clear my throat – Kick it over here baby pop

And let all the fly skimmies, feel the beat…drop

Coolin’ on the corner on a hot summer day

Just me, my posse and M.C.A.

A lot of beer – a lot of girls – and a lot of cursing

Twenty-two automatic on my person

Got my hand in my pocket and my finger’s on the trigger

My posse’s gettin’ big – and my posse’s gettin’ bigger

Some voices got treble – some voices got bass

We got the kind of voices that are in your face

Like the bun to the burger – like the burger to the bun

Like the cherry to the apple – to the peach to the plum

I’m the king of the Ave. – and I’m the king of the block

I’m M.C.A. – and I’m the King Adrock

I’m Mike D. – I got all the fly juice

On the checkin’ at the party on the forty deuce

Walking down the block with the fresh fly threads

Beastie Boys fly the biggest heads

i’ve lived a long time and i cant think of one girl ive met named sarah that wasnt a hottie. this one is 18 or 19, i cant remember, she takes a shot of tequilla right out of the bottle and then a glub of marguirita mix straight out of another bottle, then kisses a boy with lemon on his lips then licks a girl with salt on her belly.

then falls back on the couch and finshes her slice of za.

but hotness and coolness isnt enough to get yourself linked on the busblog, it helps if you can write and you have something to say.

sara is an undergrad at the Michigan State University, magic johnson’s alma matter, the very same school that is in the national spotlight because of some dirty dealings with the football team.

thanks to the hosemonster, i clicked over to my girl to find out the skinny on the spartans and i was blown away by how well she nailed the story but how entertainingly she spun the yarn.

first off, great lede:

Here in East Lansing, we have a saying.

“Go Big or Go Home.”

This philosophy has been perfected by Abbey Smith and this season, our football team took notice.

They knew they sucked from the get-go. They didn’t care. The only people that cared were 70,000 fans filling up the stadium and thousands more watching from tee-vee.

being from the midwest i can tell you first hand that 70,000 people at a college football game isnt bad. ive seen bigger. hell, at illinois state university they got that many kids in the damn band.

she continues by talking about alleged cocaine use on the team:

And I understand how easy it is to get involved and addicted with cocaine. When you’re at all the right parties, you meet all the right people, and you do all the right drugs. It’s free because it’s always free at first and they just want you to feel like this. And you know how good other things feel and you wanna know. So you let them give it you. And then you understand, you do feel like this. But then you feel like that and you know you’re going to die if you don’t feel like this again very, very soon. And then you’re a monster because everything in your life is to try to feel like this again.

now do you see why ive been linking her ass?

this is what we call a keeper.

this is the type of girl who if i was the advisor of the daily nexus i would set up a scholarship fund to throw money at.

you really only need four or five hot babes who can write their asses off at 19 to inspire other smart kids to work at the paper and begin (or continue) a dynasty.

when i was at ucsb we had amy collins, jenny ogar, genevieve field, melissa lallum, jen adams, sandy brilliant, bonnie bills, chris zeigler, matt welch, debbie urlick, stacy teas, my girl jeanine, and many others who are going to kick my ass for not writing down their names who not only busted but looked great doing it, and left most of us dudes in the dust.

whatev. read the rest of her peice here.

go team.

after heated debate due to popular demand, there will be a self-published Busblog Book celebrating the first year of your favorite blog.

Included in the collection of some of the best posts from the inaugural year of this blog, there will also be never before seen drawings, xbi stories, a handful of original poems, as well as some behind the scene photographs!

speculation of secret pirate maps are wild exaggerations. sigh.

Pre-orders of the yet-to-be-titled tome are now being accepted at a ridiculously low $10 + $4 s/h (shipping slightly higher for international orders).

Once the book is published (probably in a few weeks), the regular price will be $19 + shipping, so you are almost getting the book half price.

Winona agrees, this offer is a steal.

The numbered books will ship around Thanksgiving.

That means there are three ways to receive this historic book, which can be autographed at no extra charge:

1. Use paypal or credit card and secure your pre-order price now.

2. Wait until Thanksgiving and get the book at it’s regular price

3. If you are a friend of Tony’s email him your address and he will send it to you free of charge and this will be considered your Christmas gift.

The first twenty pre-orders will also receive a specially burned Christmas cd of some favorite holiday tunes.

We here at the busblog are very excited about this announcement, quite possibly the first book made exclusively of blog enteries. Please join the excitement by leaving a comment with what the title of the book should be.

If we use your title you will win these fabulous prizes: 1) a signed copy of the book 2) a mention in the title page 3) a copy of the Winona Ryder Christmas cd 4) a copy of the Eazy-E Christmas cd 5) a link on the busblog in a prominent location for several months.

so pre-order today, leave title ideas (make sure your email address is in the comment), be excelent to each other, leave more title ideas, and tell your friends!

and i don’t have any fucking clue what the hell is going on.

friday after work went to the laker game with a millionaire and two hot chicks in a luxury suite. after that went to ken and laura’s party dressed up as the white stripes guy again.

didn’t get to the party till nearly one a.m. moxie and welch picked me up in moxie’s porsche on the corner of vermont and fountain. don’t ask. just think about a guy in all red and a weird wig pacing on the corner not too far away where women and men dressed as women pace on a friday night looking at the cars. it wasn’t fun.

welch was dressed in a lime green jumpsuit. moxie just looked hot. i had a bottle of red under my arm but we headed over to the hollywood vons anyway to get a few more cases of beer and i picked up some bottles of bubbly. moxie got a carton of smokes for the kids back at laynes.

once we arrived at the layne casa everyone greeted me warmly. i have great friends. even though im trying only to smoke once a week instead of every day someone put a cigarette in my hand because that’s what jack always has in his hand, apparently. who cares. it was fun.

as emmanuelle describes so well ken was dressed as one of the dudes from harry potter. looked like a cross between a giant and a pirate. kate sullivan was the white stripes babe. my attorney was barbie and her boyfriend ken dressed as himself which made them barbie and ken.

my pal derek was dressed as a fishbowl with one fish floating on top.

he brought down good friends jen and don. i don’t know what don was supposed to be but jen made a very sweet lady bug.

in the front room basart pulled out the cds and we sang along. in the back room welch had a guitar and everyone sang along and in the back yard there was a guy with a ukulele who could play anything on ukulele so we sang smiths tunes and tenacious d tunes and violent femmes tunes next to a fire pit with rabbit and her beau.

cops or guys dressed as cops arrived at around 3:30am and someone opened the door and i snickered “gotta say trick or treat first, kids.”

cops asked the room, “who’s house is this?”

layne, all 6 foot 4 of him dressed as that giant pirate guy, big belly with a pillow in it, big beard with cigarette ashes in it, stomped in and said, “I LIVE HERE.”

it was pretty funny.

cops said, “blah blah blah, i know it’s saturday night…” and some knucklehead yelled, “it’s friday night.”

and eventually they left and basart turned back on the tunes and welch went back to playing tsar tunes in the back room and the ukulele guy played something else from the rich tapestry of our youth and i hope he gave moxie his number cuz she seemed to dig him.

marc brown was there and took a bunch of pictures that you can see here

kate gave me a ride home at 4:30am and at 4:31am i was naked asleep passed out in my bed alone with nothing other than my wig on.

saturday night ashley came over. sunday we watched football and then my old buddy chris called up and flowed us laker tickets and kobe dominated.

so needless to say, it was a fun but not very relaxing weekend.

yesterday i even busted with a photo essay

it could be better, but it is what it is, it’s called you know you’re right

showing of fine art across the street from xbi’s headquarters, i was fingering chopper one contemptating “testing” it to see if it could make it up to frisco so i could see tsar and then back down to los feliz to partake in ken and laura’s day of the dead costume party when i heard the familar voice in my ear mail that said “simone.”

i accepted the message and the voice said

Subject: Free laker ticket for tonight…amazing seats. call me, call me, call me.

Hey dork!! Listen, I don’t have your cell #…and I thought that I might catch you at work. I have an extra ticket to the Laker game tonight…amazing seats in one of the suites. My cousin is six and bailed out last minute. Call my cell @ 323-555-0101 if you want to go.

Kisses Dahhhhhhhrling.

The lovely miss simone.

a car arrived and in it a beautiful dark skinned girl who looked like whitney houston waited for me with a greasy bag with the beautiful words fatburger printed on it and i recognized the woman, she was simones friend from caa, and she was an aquarius. i got in.

fatburger with chili and cheese, dr. pepper, seasoned fries and sweating next to the fully stocked bar was a large chocolate shake.

is this what everyone got waiting for them when the whistle blew on 5:30 on friday?

fuck.

drove down wilshire to k town and whitney i’d met before, her name wasnt whitney, though. it was, what was it? and there i saw it spelled out in gold dangling from her neck and who hasnt found that sexy as hell as it sparkles from the overhead passing streetlights getting their peek through the moonroof.

the car dropped us off at simones, i gave my top hat to the doorman who flipped it upside down so i could stuff my gloves in it and nodded and said, “mr. pierce.”

we walked to the elevator and the young woman whispered, he reads your blog. and that explained everything.

simone had just arrived herself when we were greeted at the penthouse level, she put in millie jackson and the two ladies began to dance and i sat down flipping through the new mojo freshly removed from its plastic cover.

simone stirred up some drinks quickly for her man was about to arrive. our true host. hangar one vodka and riffraff for the ladies. bacardi neat for the gentleman.

i tore through the final 50 pages of white oleander and nearly finished but the ladies were going through several different combinations of clothes asking my advice switching up varietis of original miss simone jewlery designs, so needless to say it was distracting as i felt i was backstage in one of the milan fashion week tents, but who’s complaining. simone turned up the knob and pointed at the stereo and sang along with millie and posed while she danced.

i said you really dont need to do that for me.

she said honey who said i was doing it for you.

her babydoll tshirt said

its all about me.

i had to pee.

this is possibly the finest thing ive ever read. thanks, bloviator