i hope she can snooze for at least 20 minutes cuz i really want to write and not be disturbed. every day i get disturbed in the morning when i write either by work calling to ask me to come in early, or the phone, or the pager, or the front door being knocked.

i really wonder what this blog would look like if i could do it every morning from a hotel room with the phone turned off and the shhhh sign dangling from the front door.

shes cute though, so let her wake up if she wants.

im living the american dream up in here. its not yet kickoff, ive got every football game ready to entertain me, ive got eggs and bacon chillin for when she wakes, she brought over a friend last night who recommended that everyone smokes weed until tommy chong is released from prison and subsequently gave me my first bong and a huge sack of stinky green, im wondering if its somehow a sin to try them out on the sabbath.

im so not a druggie, but i was raised to be a grateful receiver of gifts and i must remind myself to ask my snoozing girl for her friend’s address so i can send a thank-you card tomorrow morning for if my mother ever discovered that i hadnt sent one she wouldnt be at all pleased, regardless of what the gift was.

im worrying about old splinky. girlfriend, is it really that bad?

you ever want to be friends with people because its so obvious that they have all the wrong friends?

i felt that way and still feel that way about mike tyson and michael jackson and even oj. i think if they all just had one friend who woulda said, yo, king of pop, get those fucking kids OUT of here, dog.

if i was iron mike’s friend i would just say, today i will hold the bag, just hit it. dont think about anything else. think about tetris. heres ac/dc’s for those about to rock, we’re going to put on side one and just hit until its time to flip the record over. yes, when i train pro boxers i use record players. cd players are for champs. mike is an ex-champ.

and if i was ojs friend i would tell him he could only date black girls, and he cant talk to the press. ever again. and if anyone ever talked about his dead wife all he could say is, “im going to get the mother fucker who killed her.”

im not so sure what id do if i was splinks friend. probably travel a lot. probably write about all the places there are in the world. probably tell her easy on the vinegar. probably tell her that people like how she writes and she probably shouldnt be so self destructive cuz thats been done in more creative ways, which isnt a dare, its rock history.

self image issues in my life have usually been cured by being around people who look at me and get hot.

snoozing girl makes me feel sexy and manly and my gut turns her on, as do my balding spots.

the devil inside me says, shes obviously insane, and then tries to remind me about the thrill of the chase, and then tries to tell me that shes not the right sign to even be friends with, and then tries to tell me that if i was so damn sexy and manly my phone would be ringing off the hook.

and then i remind him that my phone does ring off the damn hook and i wonder if i could give this sparkling new bong and bag to a worthy charity. surely theres an aids hospice who would benefit more from this medicine than i.

i dont know what sort of friend i would be to an aids patient.

i had a friend who not very long ago told me how deep down very depressed she was and my deflector shields for negativity are so sensitive that i didnt believe her and i laughed it off. and i hadnt talked to her in a long time and the other day she called me and we talked and she said thanks for what you said when i was low and i said when were you low and she said dude i was looking into checking out

and i said when

and she said dude you told me that if i did it then you would do it and that your doomed soul would haunt mine for eternity.

i said, i said that?

she said, yes, memento boy, and since i knew that you believed that you cannot go to heaven after suiciding then i didnt because i believed you that you would.

and then she said thank you.

and i think sometimes it would be good if i could remember these things as clearly as others did because i think that that experience could help me in my day to day life.

i hear a girl making the hardwood floors crackle upstairs.

i think i should put some bacon on.

aaron’s baseball blog + you exist here + beets werkin

by tony pierce

part one of a continuing series

“Cheif Button Pusher”

tivoed the cubs yesterday.

huge pennant race.

cubs are playing games with my heart and yesterday they gave up a 5 run lead and then it started to rain at wrigley. and the game was past the 6th inning meaning it was official, so if the umps wanted to, if the rain didnt look like it was going to go away, the game could have been canceled and the cubs could have lost. because it rained.

its one of the more curious rules in baseball, that nature can be the ultimate decider of the end (and winner) of a game.

well, nature decided the outcome of my tivo recording, the rain stretched on for 49 minutes and my 3 hour recording ended with the cubs behind and the rain increasing.

tivo needs to know that the game isnt over.

and since i cant tell it that the game is over because im being tied up by two bubble gum popping motorcycle girls some one else needs to tell tivo that the game isnt over.

tivo needs to be, omg, watching the games. a live person. oh no. needs to be employed.

and that live person needs to be able to extend the period of time that my tivo records live games whose most interesting and valueable moments are usually right at the end.

when i record a sporting event, there should be a pop up that asks, “would you like for us to keep recording if the game runs longer than the estimated time?”

and if you press yes, then it would be one guy who sends a signal to tivos that will keep the boxes going until the game is over.

and if it wipes out everything that i have, fine.

very few games are 40 hours.

start this test with the directv tivo owners.

i bet directv would be someone who would want exclusive rights to something like this since it would be a reason to have a dish rather than cable.

and you know what,

i bet i would accept the job as the guy who watches the games and presses the button when they go to long, and then presses the button when theyre over.

and i bet i only ask for two or three interns to help me.

cubs came back to win 7-6.

you’d think my tivo would have known by now that i might have been interested in seeing that, since i tivo anything cubs.

instead it recorded a cartoon on the cartoon network.

and i bet you could get a fifty cents extra a person a month for this feature, as an add-on, and i bet a million people would sign up for it.

and i bet i wouldnt even charge you close to a half million dollars a month to be cheif button pusher.

cubs are a game out of first place.

happy birthday aaron + mc brown at seybold + listen missy

im worried about what to write on here. not worried really. apprehensive. i double think. fuck that. lets rock.

two hot chicks picked me up from work last night and drove me home and etc and how come raymi gets to walk around naked and bunnie gets to tell you every.thing. and i cant tell you about these girls and how they wanted to do everythingbut but we needed to go to the tsar show and we knew it started early and one of the girls sorta didnt want to go and i was all like youre out of your mind im not even going to discuss that because its like wait a minute are you crazy?

and she lifted up her skirt right there and why can raymi talk about this stuff but i cant. i know theres a reason. is it reverse sexism? is it cool for a hot chick to say i pushed him against the wall ripped his clothes off threw him to the ground and banged the hell out of him but can a guy write that.

no.

what guy is blogging that right now to critical appeal.

should we forget about critical appeal.

of course we should forget about rotten assed critical appeal.

critical appeal just might have been why elvis costello stopped making great records after blood and chocolate.

perhaps if he never had critical appeal and was always trying to get it, or even better, resigned to never getting it, he would have been more creative, more punishing, less conceited.

ive never had two girls before. had three but thats way different. way.

and since nothing in here is true we got to tsar late. late. and only heard two songs. two. and the girls didnt care. didnt. drove me to the nearby tommys we ate chili burgers. one of us didnt because she had never had chili before.

she had never had chili before.

22 years old, rich, yet never had chili.

asked me what was in it.

maybe she was kidding.

i dont know, meat, smooshed tomatoes. how do you describe tommys burgers chili to a girl who cant wait to take you back home immediately to finish what was so innocently started with a trip to le pleasure chest where it was decided that everyone had to leave with two purchases delivered in fake foreign accents.

being 109 years old ive heard my fair share of fake foreign accents, and must say that i was impressed by both of the young ladies and their ability to not only mimic the tongue but successfully complete the transaction with only one hysterical outbreak of giggling.

i was quickly outnumbered when my front door was bolted when we arrived at the hollywood crashpad and whereas my pleasure chest finds were intended to bring pleasure i was stunned to discover that theirs were for restraint, submission and regret.

who would have expected that with two girls with cat collars who i had just met off the internet.

one who had just had her first french fry scooped into a layer of chili

which she found delicious.

of course.

like

duh.

flink + lauren + bitter girl

with the president of the united states of america.

hi mr. president.

hi tony, thanks for granting me this interview.

but of course. what made you decide on doing this now, and with me?

well, my approval rating has dropped 40 points since two years ago and only the elderly watch larry king, so i figured i better start working on getting re-elected with the young people as soon as asap.

mr. president, is it true that you knew about 9/11?

i still dont know about 9/11, tony.

what about all the briefings that you got up to a month before 9/11 that told you that bin laden was plotting several “spectacular” attacks on america using explosives.

parder, we get so many briefings, its retarded.

should the american people distrust the bush administration when people like the national security advisor, condi rice, say months after the tragedies that there was no way to have known that “these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center, take another one and slam it into the Pentagon” when more than a few of your “retarded” briefings said that he would do just that.

people can trust whoever they want to. if you’re calling ms. rice a liar, you better not say it again, thats all i have to say. we have nothing to hide because we’re not liars.

then why are you withholding the CIA executive briefing from August 16, 2001? Congress would like to read it because they believe that in that brief you were told about what was going to happen on 9/11.

let me tell you a little something about being President of the United States. When you are president, you have the power to exercise whats called Executive Priviledge, thats what i did with that briefing and others.

dont the american people deserve to know what the CIA told you about Osama Bin Laden three weeks before 9/11?

it’s in the best interest of national security that that information is not released to the people. americans, canadians, or those who are our enemies.

could you summarize what you are withholding in that document?

i could, but i wont. not to you. its secret.

in that document did the CIA tell you that osama might use commercial planes to destroy populated buildings?

dont you know what secret means?

which is more important to the country, mr. president, your political future or the safety of the american people.

that’s a stupid question.

why did you have john ritter killed?

what?!

thank you for your time, sir.

uh, thank you, for yours.

bunnie + howard owens + simon world

We’ve been waiting for you!

Where the kisses are hers and hers and his,

Three’s Company, too!

Come and dance on our floor,

Take a step that is new.

We’ve a loveable space that needs your face,

Three’s Company, too!

You’ll see that life is a ball again,

Laughter is calling for you!

Down at our rendezvous…

Three’s Company, too!

cash

american recordings, 1994

“delia’s gone”

Delia, oh Delia, Delia all my life

If I hadn’t-a shot poor Delia, I’d have had her for my wife

Delia’s gone, one more round, Delia’s gone

I went up to Memphis, and I met Delia there

Found her in her parlor, and I tied her to her chair

Delia’s gone, one more round, Delia’s gone

She was low-down and trifflin’, and she was cold and mean

Kind of evil make me want to grab my sub-machine

Delia’s gone, one more round, Delia’s gone

First time I shot her, I shot her in the side

Hard to watch her suffer, but with the second shot she died

Delia’s gone, one more round, Delia’s gone

But jailer, oh jailer, jailer I can’t sleep

‘Cuz all around my bedside I hear the patter of Delia’s feet

Delia’s gone, one more round, Delia’s gone

So if your woman’s devilish, you can let her run

Or you can bring her down and do her like Delia got done

Delia’s gone, one more round, Delia’s gone

greatest country singer+songwriter since hank sr.

in the history of mankind

witness:

Libra Horoscope for week of September 11, 2003

“You’re only given a little spark of madness,” says Robin Williams. “You mustn’t lose it.” His advice is especially apt for you now. To aid your efforts, here are tips on how to keep a healthy level of insanity, by librarian Bonnie Wolf.

1. When people ask you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

2. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

3. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

4. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”

5. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

6. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

7. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

8. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”

9. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won! Third time this week!”

10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.”

11. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

12. Dont use any punctuation marks

13. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!”

15. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

16. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

rob brezney

people dont know what to do. they dont know how to act. nobody knows what to wear. nobody knows what to say.

i dont like any of the patriotism today. there should be nothing. we should all have the day off.

only way to get back at someone is to give them the day off.

you terrorized us into a day at the beach, gratzi.

its nice in LA but they got planes flying around with banners that say united we stand and crap like that and its bogus. thats such an empty and hollow catch phrase.

people have their flags on their cars again, not in the droves they did before, but i see them and they do nothing for me.

how can you be more American today? is there something? theres nothing. which again makes me think we should just have the day off and go see a parade, or go to the track, or catch a ball game, or call a hot chick who you havent had the nads to call.

i remember two years ago they let us out early and i walked up the street and i saw my work crush going into a record store and i was thinking how i never see her outside of the workplace and how great it would be to get to know her and have lunch with her.

but my mind was crazed that afternoon, im sure hers was too. it was nuts.

ironic that this would actually be a holiday that people could get behind. its not religious, its not for some president(s) that nobody alive ever voted for. it’s not a hallmark holiday. it’s a real thing and a real reason to spend time with one’s loved ones and family and reflect and appreciate life.

and most people would just sit around and watch tv which is what most of us did two years ago, but thats ok, tv’s not always bad.

having your country muddle through a crappy day, a day that still is very sensitive to more than a few americans is a bad idea.

since our president is so fearless about spending money that the nation doesnt have, i say he make this day a holiday and let people observe the most infamous date in us history.

next year for sure im calling in sick.

welch + splink + buzz machine live from nyc