i was passed out. she said she wanted to bring over one of her friends. they had been drinking and i guess the bars closed. but she didnt sound drunk.

i got to the phone just as she was hanging up. my caller id caught her number but i didnt recognize it and for some reason i was really tired even though i had just given myself a sweet, hour nap.

musta been all the sex i had during the week.

so i stood there next to the machine and listened to her say that she wanted to come over with her friend and that she was only a few blocks away.

god i was sleepy. who was this friend? was it prince william? was it fred durst? was it paris hilton? with karisa it truly could be anyone. you know how cats bring back dead birds and mice, karisa only rolls with the a-list.

but i had no beers, not really any rum, and only two bottles of absinthe.

i had failed in my bachelor bob list of Shit To Have About The Pad on a Three-Day Weekend.

case of corona: chilled

bottle of rum

bottle of tequilla

bottle of whiskey

bottle of baileys

two bottles of vodka

bottle of jager

microwave pop corn

two dozen flour tortillas

hunk of cheese

two loaves of french bread

wheel of brie

strawberries, grapes, several cans of whipped cream

case of coke

case of dr. pepper

case of diet pepsi

case of diet coke

six bottles of merlot

dozen hot dogs

six bags of a variety of chips

two bowls of planters peanuts

tums, tylenol, gallons of bottled water

you should always have at least one really good, really new dance mix cd that you made personally and can talk about at length. but dont unless youre comfortable being a geek.

you should also have bacon eggs and milk in case theres an overnight guest. or two.

if you dont pick up all of these items on your way home from work on friday night, murphys law will state that on saturday night whatever is missing will become the most necessary at 4am.

have clean sheets, clean towels, a spare pair of clean pajamas, some unopened boxes of cheap toothbrushes, fresh bars of soap, and carpet-to-carpet incase a bong spills.

lately ive been trying to find things that look good on tv but dont suck-in or exclude any guests.

last weekend while in KaZaa i stumbled across a video of madonnas mostly-topless photo shoots for the controversial Sex book. apparentely most of the photos in the book are from film. this video shows lots of the film from shoots with vanilla ice, big daddy kane and naimi campbell, and from the famous nude hitchhiking shot.

what makes this good for parties is that theres nice operetic french music in the background that could be from the late 40s or 50s, but is so charming and peppy that it brings a lite mood to any moment, and madonna looked super hot back then.

but alas, all i had food and beverage wise was a big bottle of amaretto, a couple bottles of red from spain that my true love refuses to drink with me, water and soda.

and made my way out to the poolhouse hammock where ive been spending some of these warm summer nights

clapped twice

and called it a night like a good boy.

jarret house north + aaron clemens + blogblogblog

one of my dreams is to find the most boring town in the usa and spend a week there in a motel and blog to you.

i bet i could figure out something fun to do there.

cubbies are killing me. slowly. like having everything that you want just out of reach and theres nothing you can do but watch. and all you can see is it not happening.

sux.

i wish i had cancer so i could get in that make a wish foundation cuz my wish would be to be the gm of the chicago cubs and get them a damn closer.

do i have to get nut cancer? does a man have to give his right nut to get the cubs a closer?

i’ll do it. is that all it takes?

tom green only has one nut and he gets to be on tv every night so how important are nuts after all?

here it is the last days of august, and the cubs are only a game and a half out, and im slowly becoming respected at work, and the ladies are paying attention to me, and the nbc is using a clash song on one of their promos, and youd think id be so satisfied right now

but the total reverse is true.

as much as i love hollywood and the summertime, i dont want to be here watching the people vs larry flynt with my shirt off and the window open. i feel like that kid in clerks who kept saying, i shouldnt even BE here right now. but the positive thinkers club warns against such direct conflict to What Is.

all i know is sweet bachelor pad in hollywood keeps looking at me and saying, whats your rush dummyhead?

and the directv man just called and said, nfl football starts next week

and i feel slightly uncomfortable bob dylan is doing the music to a victoria secrets ad.

alecia + kimbalina + popie

thanks, milwaukee.

and it’s also harley owner jason shellen’s 30th!

back when states had rights you only had to be 18 to drink in wisconsin, so all the kids of illinois would drive the hour and a half to wisconsin and sit on barstools and shoot pool and drive back to the land of lincoln drunk.

so when you mention milwaukee or any part of southern wisconsin to a kid from hangover park youre bound to get a smile off em.

i took my prom date claudia to lake geneva and we drank strohs and drove home drunk.

still milwaukee pales in the long shadow of its hulking neighbor to the south, chicago, and yet never complains.

home of laverne & shirley, miller beer, and harley-davidson, as all american as the green bay packers.

if i wasnt such a wuss, id ride a harley.

theres nothing cooler.

unless your name is evel and you jump them over motorhomes.

the best place to see harleys in los angeles, especially on a sunny day on the weekend is neptunes net in malibu.

tell em jeanine sent you.

did you know that my exgirlfriend chris is liscensed to drive a motorcycle?

mmmm my true love.

the other day she said are you sure youre not sad that i have a boyfriend and i said no.

you’ll come crawling to me one day.

we might be two hundred and twenty one years old but you’ll be back.

and i’ll take that saggy old ladies ass back

hemoriods, diaper rash, warts and all.

oh yes.

she explained to me that i was gross.

which i am.

and i warned her that she better keep her rascal charged up cuz if she didnt id knock her over in her rocker.

amy tells a naughty story + ms. iverson has a new layout + i still cant believe annika linked my ass

i like stealing art.

many in the xbi have dabbled in bank robbery, which was the gateway crime for more than a few of us.

i just did that for kicks

in high school

on dull nights when none of the girls would pick up their princess phones.

65. jason r.

back then we didnt have the fancy innernet where people could be on instant messenger at all hours, typing under their blankets on their pink laptops.

the best part about stealing art is you can hang it from the walls of your house and nobody ever thinks that its the real thing. why would they?

divinci’s nothing, ive had a michelangelo hanging over my couch for months. sure it isnt the full on pristine oil (it’s just a weathered sketch) but it’s the real deal and who would even know that its missing?

this divinci was actually a peace offering to clipper girl who has been treating me super nice lately.

hell, everyone has treated me super nice lately.

and the cubs won today.

they let us off work early today and i took some pictures on hollywood blvd, completely ignored this car chase on santa monica, and got naked as soon as i got home and stayed that way.

do you think i could go a week without “swearing”.

lets see if i can.

my mom would be pretty happy if i did.

anyway we sold the divinci about an hour after taking it and from what just found out those guys sold it about an hour after they got it.

wanna know how much we sold it for?

cheaper than you think.

annika + beejmeister + julien

and i see all the people who dont have to work or i see their big houses or i see their fancy cars or i see their pretty wives or girlfriends i think, wow, i wouldnt mind being that guy.

last night of all the people in the world i thought, wow, i wouldnt mind being jay-z for a little while.

so talented, so tall, so lucky.

i wonder what it might be like to have beyonce as your girlfriend.

heres someone whose parents molded to be a great singer and dancer and sweet woman, and all she needed was a great songwriter and producer to elevate her into the can’t-touch-this level of superdooper stardom.

if i was jay-z i would wear more hats though.

and i wouldnt stop rapping.

and i would buy big fake lenny kravitz afro wigs.

and i would get big gold chains with the letter Z dangling from them.

and of course i would produce the next ac/dc record.

but mostly i would hang out with beyonce a lot and tell her that i didnt think that she was ready for my jelly and i would play with the flab around my belly button and watch her shimmy across the room and prove me wrong.

and aftwards, at night, with the window open and the nightingales whistling to the moon i would whisper new tunes into her half asleep ears

and human beatbox for the beat

and tap her palm

and fall asleep.

was on the bus in highschool and i thought, thats it, thats what i want to be.

a lesbian cheerleader.

i was a sophomore on the jv basketball team. we took two busses on away games. the varsity took one bus. and the jv, sophomore and freshman team all shared another bus.

back of the bus was the jv team. furthest away from the coaches and teachers. im not exactly sure if it was just a straight up dare, but it was something like that and this one hot cheerleader leaned over to this other hot cheerleader and they made out for a good thirty seconds.

which is eternity for a fifteen year old boy, which the bus was full of.

i dont think i talked to any of my friends about it. my school was completely repressed and yet the girls werent ostracized because they had boyfriends, and also because it was hot as hell.

we didnt talk about it because it blew our minds and we wouldnt even know where to begin the discussion, especially since most of us were lucky even to get a kiss off some girl, never mind a full blown lesbian french kiss

in cheerleader outfits.

the way i remember it both of the girls had their legs crossed, they leaned over the walk way, gave a nice long kiss, smiled and went back to whatever people were talking about.

i think im now only beginning to realize that it wasnt just a beautiful dream.

the sun set in the windows and the endless rows of cornstalks rolled past next to the highway.

since then ive seen lots of girls kiss and its never really lost its charm.

in other news the cubs are breaking my heart.

moxie + kevynn malone + earth-info-net

fashion show and shout out special.

im a big fan of the show, but this year i actually had to go to the mtv web site to see what videos are being nominated.

for Video of the Year theyre going to give it to my man Johnny Cash because he’s dying and because the video is amazing and deserves it but mostly because he’s 71 and dying, so thats cool.

Best Male Video will go to Johnny Cash because he’s male and dying and cool and the man in black and a legend and cuz hes dying and say what you will about Justin but he will never ever ever be as cool as Johnny Cash and i hope they start playing that video soon.

though i do like the Lose Yourself video, but i like the song better.

Best Female Video is the reason to hate award shows because Christina’s “Dirrty” is in my top ten videos of all time very close to “Sabatoge” but for obviously differnet reasons. So I would pick that one to win.

However Missy Elliot’s “Work It” is mighty good, especially because of the kid dancers, and Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” is dirty but a notch above being filthy so it will probably win.

And J.Lo’s “I’m Glad,” the “Flashdance” tribute is my favorite jlo video of all time so i say let them all win.

no, i take that back, Dirrty is tremendous. capturing a young woman trying and accomplishing the rare feat of being so damn filthy that its fun and sexy and not at all dirty after all.

Best Group Video has to go to the White Stripes who have made another fine video. It makes me want to experiment with drugs again. It makes me want to be a drummer again. It makes me want to capitalize.

a close second is The Donnas with “Take It Off” which has slowly turned into a song that i MUST hear every day. God i love them.

and if Good Charlotte wins with Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous im going to shoot my television.

Best Rap Video, first of all its Hip Hop fucks. Secondly 50 Cent doesnt have a chance because without Eminem hes just another guy getting shot at by his homies, so Em wins. Thirdly, yes i do feel a little weird that the only white guy in the group should win the hip hop award this year and will win it despite strong showings from Nas and Ludacris.

But wheres Nelly? Did he really not have anything that came out during the appropriate period?

Best R&B Video, ah yes heres Nelly. with Kelly Rowland. fuck that song. Gotta give it to Beyonce and Jay-Z not only because its a better video but its a far better song. otherwise f r&b.

Best Hip Hop Video, okay, what? Snoop Dogg gets nominated in Hip Hop and not Rap? excatly why?

fuck you MTV. and how does Nelly get “Hot in Herre” nominated in this one but not any other one? Nelly wins over Snoop’s “Beautiful” which should be in the R&B catagory. arrrrrrggggg MUST I BE IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING!?!?!?!?

Best Dance Video needs to go to Justin because yes hes gay but he dances really well, although in a pinch i would give it to the former Fly Girl jlo but it would just go to her head.

Best Rock Video is the easiest pick of the night. White Stripes wins because theyre the only fucking band on the list who actually rocks.

Best Pop Video, should go to nobody because pop is what has brought MTV down to the level of selling sugar water to teens. if there was more rock in their diet i wouldnt have a problem but until you can name me 5 seriously hard rocking bands that are in the MTV rotation on the regular then this catagory should be suspended. sorry no doubt.

Best New Artist none of those idiots are any good so lets not encourage them. if i ran mtv i would ridicule them instead.

the rest of the catagories are jokes so i wont even bother.

anyway, i just watch the show for the live performances and to drink every time that old hag John Norris ends up on tv as he obviously has pictures of someone blowing some kid because hes not funny hes not smart hes not attractive and yet hes been on mtv since the 60s.

why?

anyway, those are my picks, go here for the nominees and feel free to refute me … if you dare.

slept through the alarm somehow and didnt know why until i saw that there were some panties dangling from the alarm clock stopping the little hammer from hitting the little bell.

a nice post-it was stuck to the face of the clock from the cheerleader telling me that she hoped i was feeling better and that she certainly was.

but what was that knocking?

was it my door.

stumbled to the door, my computer was still on, the christmas lights were still on, the pie from kfc was untouched. the wine bottle was half full. the glasses, the clothes, the whipped cream, the conffetti, the hoop of fire were all spread out on the bear skin rug. stubbed my toe on the empty can of silly string.

stupid silly string.

answered the door, hoped it wasnt the sherriff serving me with another phony balogna summons, and it wasnt the sherriff at all, it was miss montreal. her tiarra sparkling in the morning sun.

hi tony.

hi miss montreal.

may i come in?

but of course.

why do you look so frowny?

m’ depressed.

how come?

dunno.

she removed her sash and stepped over the fuzzy ski boots and gave me a real nice hug.

didnt work.

she kissed me behind my ear, nibbled. told me i looked good in the morning.

nothing.

dug her nails slightly into my back and raised her knee up my pajama leg and told me that she could drive me to work and therefore maybe we could have a happy morning.

i told her i wasnt interested.

she dragged her teeth across my collarbone and then up my neck and slithered her tounge behind my ear and said hey whats this.

i said what.

she said this dial.

i was all what dial.

she said its pointed to Depressed as Hell.

i fumbled to whatever it was that she was touching on the back of my neck and she said let me look let me look. i let her look.

she said whoa theres lots of settings. who did this to you?

i hadnt told her about the xbi.

i said, is there one that says Normal?

no, i see, Happy, Grumpy, ooooooo Sexy. Suicidal… what? Homicidal? babe what is this?

you dont see a Normal.

im telling you, no.

turn it to Happy then.

and she switched it, stepped back and just like that

i was back.

we humped like bunnies and she drove me to work and the whole way in i was singing bruce springsteen songs while she laughed at me.

wanna see the mtv awards with me tonight she asked.

why, yes. yes i do.

bloopy + gnome girl + ginger