nothing on here is true.

this letter is true, but thats it. and some of this is sketchy.

i dont work for an undercover group of crimefighting superheroes made up of castoffs from the cia, navy seals, and fbi who are often referred to as the xbi.

i dont have a flying car, im totally not 109 years old, i dont ride the bus to work.

i ride the bus And the subway.

all the hot chicks on my page and in my photo essays: none of them know me.

for example, karisa is not coming over to do laundry with me.

tsar did not go to college with me.

ken layne doesnt even know my name.

the popularity of this site isnt even true. ive doctored the numbers, cooked the books, phinagled with the hoo ha.

in reality im a very shy volunteer at a large private hospital where i cuddle shivvering aids babies, push people around in their wheel chairs, and help valet park certain doctors’ bmws.

at night i watch a lot of tv.

karisa is a neurosurgeon who befriended me.

a pityfriend.

i know the truth.

little does she know that my grandmother left me a fortune, but how would she know anything about me, normally im too shy to say much more than hello, how on earth could i possibly tell her that i own the place?

with all the free time that i have i read russian novelists, bukowski poems, and entertainment weekly, and i try to incorporate that style into this blog.

what i want to show on here is that los angeles really is an interesting place to live and its a lot different than what hollywood would have you believe that it is.

please dont get distracted by my political writings or photo essays. sometimes i get bored and the easiest thing to do is watch baseball and figure out different ways to say f the president. it’s easier than it looks.

also dont get fooled by my piss poor grammar and spelling, i can spell. and i can grammar.

the question is, can i write.

thats the thing that i ask myself every day.

people tell me i can, but half those people have a tube jammed up their arm and a bedpan between their legs. theyd say anything as long as id listen to their terrible stories.

so anyway, i really have to do laundry right now, so click around, go to the archives, check out what the web has to say about the busblog and dont forget to look at a photo essay or two.

its the specialty of the house.

your pal,

tony

the first black one. me. your pal, tony.

i know im not a republican, but who is any more? repubs are supposed to be pro-business and less government, but since Bush has taken over the government has grown 20% and businessmen like Tommy Chong are in jail for selling plastic tubes.

im going to be a republican president because i want to get away with whatever i want.

i want to be able to force myself into a war and then charge my country $100 billion and not even hear a whisper of impeachment.

not one fuck you in the press.

with the economy sinking, and with unemployment high, wheres the first Fuck You, Mr. President, in the paper of record?

im not going to hold my breath.

im just going to run, and run republican and when people say, what about when you wrote this thing or that thing in your blog, how can you say youre a republican now, i will say that i have had a change of heart. i have seen the light.

and i have seen the light.

its like being the favorite child in your parents eyes.

you can steal elections, and bungle, and have a chequered past, and have drunk daughters, and shady oil dealings, and even with a republican congress and supreme court, if you fuck up, its all good.

so sign me up for that shit, cuz where i work at, when you fuck up you get called out and nobody will defend you.

i dont want the power the president has, im not interested in the free rent or fancy dinners, and im certainly not looking forward to wearing a blue suit every frickin day, but to be completely blameless for everything that happens on my watch is exactly the gig ive been searching for on craigslist.

so please direct me to the email address that i can send my resume.

and yes, i have references upon request.

sk smith, busting + ken layne documenting history in the making + wisdom goof has the pictures

and she couldnt be more right. i disagree with some of the things she says and does but not everything. not that.

she says she shy but shes not shy of me. she just ignores me and thats fine. its sorta nice. sometimes.

i want to interview her for you. for all of you. for all of us. for me. but she wont.

it’s fashion week and i still have a little bit of arts editor in me. i always want to keep you in the know on the current events. busblog was there for you for miss universe, for the mtv awards, for the oscars, for the sunset junction street fair, for tsars march on rockington but still im not cool.

to prove it i took lots of pictures of my bald spot last night as monday night football droned from the big screen.

shit i forgot what i was gonna say.

shit.

problem with saving the world is your phone rings. a lot. and it distracts you.

my first girlfriend ever and i talked last night on the phone. she wants me. oh yeah. she pretends she doesnt. she says she wants to be a nun. she says a lot of things, but she lies. she wants me.

she doesnt mind that im not cool, cuz to her im cooler than ive ever been since she knew me at fifteen. she actually missed my peak, but dont tell her that.

even though shes sure to know.

how couldnt she know.

splinky knows and she doesnt even know me.

you know what i want to do today? i dont want to kill anyone today, thats what i want to do. i want to catch the bad guys and teach them a lesson. i want to look into their eyes at their soul and tell them that their mammas didnt sit in labor for 18 hours for them to grow up and be punkass bitches sold on the belief that they can just run around being assholes and somehow it was societys fault.

good thing about chopper one is i can show some of these fellas what mankind can do.

they especially like the part where i push the button and the blades are silenced and even the shadows of the vehicle disappear below.

they dont like it when it drops straight down.

they dont like it when they piss their pants

they dont like it when they barf themselves.

they dont like it when i tell them to swear they’ll never fuck with the planet again as we drop like a rock

closer to pico blvd.

and closer.

and when they promise they dont like it when i say pinkie swear

and they see the street shooting closer and closer and they say fine pinkie swear pinkie swear with their hands shaking like crazy omg they cant even get the barf covered pinkies to touch theyre shaking so much

and then they pass out.

just in time for me to pull up and fly back to the hangar with a born agained rehabilitated former bad guy who cant do anything bad ever again because his pinkie sold him down the river.

sad thing is i’ll probably still have to kill somebody.

and thats why the valley girl wont chat with my black ass and i cant say i blamer.

tina + bunnie + blog of the century of the week

she really doesnt give a fuck.

she stays so true to her heart and works and works and works and couldnt care less about trends or fads or styles or online polls.

other designers pretend that they’re like that too, but theyre not.

in betseys shadow lurk a hundred liars.

but the best thing about her is she never comes off as proud. she wont tell you all the different ways shes kicking your ass. she wont rub her freedom in your nose. she wont show you her bottom line. when she smiles, you get it. when she laughs, it’s real.

and she smiles and she laughs all the time.

at her worst she’ll inspire cyndi lauper circa 1983, at her best she will inspire madonna circa 1984, so be careful.

nyc and yet like totally 80s valley girl. and funky, and neon, and bra straps, and lacey.

betsey puts the fun back into sexy and this sort of sexy isnt for everybody, trust me, i dated real valley girls in the 80s cuz im a million years old and not every girl looked good in two bras and frilly shorts.

i like betsey johnson because she coulda sold out so long ago, but she hasnt. she is bright yellow and bright pink and bright red and bright everything and if you see some of a girls underwears underneath her peekaboo skirt thank betsey cuz she told the girls it’s not only ok, but it’s fun, of course it’s fun.

of course it’s fun.

trucker hat, red lipstick, crazy necklaces, cartwheels, bracelettes, and funny fingernail polish. and heels. and short little socks. and blue fishnets.

betseys clothes let the woman be sexy, they dont make the woman be sexy.

im in love with her daughter, lulu.

betsey was first discovered by andy warhol. of course.

she made clothes for the velvet underground in the summer of 69 and shes still more punk rock than anyone in fashion.

and whats more punk rock is she has 41 boutiques world wide. for your ass.

and racks of clothes in every good department store.

and if you think thats a sellout, you dont know fashion.

twisted fans + lura + muscle68

theres more i have to say. here i am on my government mandated 15-minute break and my hand hurts from a fight i was just in, but i have to write, i want to write. i need to write.

writers can be obsessive about what they love, the same way others can. its all bad. everything should be in moderation. what i do has no moderation. super hot chick was over the other day. great ass. i walked over to my computer out of habit and she said, where ya goin? and tapped the empty sofa spot next to her and i had to think to myself, yeah where the hell are you going?

im going nowhere.

fast as i know how.

had the pleasant opportunity to talk to anna kournikova today. she was touched by the little thing i wrote about her. she asked me how much of it i meant.

i told her that i didnt mean any of it, that i just wrote it to fool people into thinking that i was romantical.

f anna.

she said, what? you dont think that i will always be your girlfriend?

and i said, no, that she was dead to me, that she is another mans woman now and he has a speck on his face where his bigger speck used to be and she asked me to try not to be jealous and i told her that i wasnt jealous, that i was angry. that she and i had a deal and she broke it. she told me that i would be able to spend a little time with her when she got back to the states, but instead she ran off with her manchild and left me alone to blog like a bum.

at this time i think we should all say a few words for the chicago cubs who need our prayers.

please cubs, please.

please hit.

please hit the ball.

hit the ball hard and with power.

think about all the good little boys and girls who grew up watching the cubs who will die never being able to see the cubs win the world series if you dont win it right now.

amen.

thats not what i needed to write, but it will do for now.

deirdre + misleader + snyder cider

about top secret stuff that she always told me wouldnt happen in a million years because it was too perfect and too right on the money. she has this theory that perfect things rarely happen, that most of the time, even if all parties concerned know that its perfect, people will get all freaked out and forget that its perfect, and they’ll change it so its not perfect any more, and then it probably wont happen at all, and then it dies. then something not at all perfect happens, and then everyone scrambles to fix it from being the opposite of perfect.

i like rosalita. she reminds me of princess kristin pony.

rosalita takes the most wonderful pictures of herself but hasnt let me show any on here unless shes in the background, or in a place where no one would think its her.

i think i would like to meet kristin. she seems cool. i cant believe that ive talked with her for almost a year in email and chat and never met her. youd think that something would have happened, like her school making it to a bowl game, or freak of nature, or something that would have allowed she and i to meet at a party or something here in LA or hollywood, but it never happened. somethings just never happen.

rosalita mostly tells me these things when we’re watching the cubs play like we did yesterday.

she brings a bag of clothes with her when we watch the cubs. she piles in several outfits, one more revealing than the next. as the cubs begin to lose, she changes into skimpier attire. it’s supposed to make me not feel as bad as i would if they lose.

i cant say it doesnt work, cuz its suprisingly effective.

rosalita wants to be my girl, but shes the wrong sign. not every problem is resolved with crotchlessness.

many, but not every.

rosalita is a great kisser. when i kiss her i think that kissing is something that is a natural thing. you cant really teach it, it just is. first time we kissed it was perfect. and every time after only got better.

im starting to think that kissing is like fishing. either you get it the first time and youre great at it, or youre constantly going for it and failing. but its better to have a crappy day fishing than a great day digging a ditch.

i think the same goes for kissing, but ive lost myself in there somewhere.

my supervisor just asked me when i was going to clean up all the blood from our front door.

i told him

in-the-year-two-thousaaaaaannnnnnnnd.

the greatest thing ive seen all morning + the best news i’ll see today + mad pony answers their critics

so expect lots of pictures of the latest threads being worn in nyc. this week. here.

have i told you that i dont like my job any more?

i dont.

and the thing is i dont go around trashing my jobs, normally. even a long time ago when i was working at the internet company i didnt complain. when i worked at the fbi i didnt complain. when i worked at the shoe store i didnt complain. and when i was the key grip at the porno company i didnt complain.

not on my website, that is.

i complained to my friends and my mom and i grumbled to myself as i played tetris. whathaveyou.

but this morning i was attacked by a guy with a machette. how do you even spell that? but he fully wound up and tried to get me right across the belly.

this is the front door of the what should be Undercover XBI headquarters.

machette man!

now this is after a harrowing bus ride down wilshire with the red light running bus lady who is really cute as fuck, and who, i am not lying to you, really checked out her fingernails at a red light as she revved the 20 UCLA and waited to peel out.

young black girl maybe 23, 24.

attitude for days.

how many people have asked out their busdrivers?

i think i might have to.

if she doesnt kill me first.

so yes, my birthday is october 22. i would like a new job by then. i am getting older than im comfortable being in this job thats meant for young men who either have nothing to lose, or who can take a machette to the utility belt and not crack the guys neck and blow two quick shots through one ear and out the other.

now theres blood all over my third rail devil shirt. and i just used that downey wrinkle remover on it. and it was all not wrinkled.

karisa called me like four times yesterday, drunk as hell in boston. first she called me from fenway, then she called me again from fenway asking if i could see her, she was right behind home plate waving, then she called me from a bar across the street where she would leave and dance in a sprinkler system with her brothers and friends.

then she would call me again in the wee hours as she was about to lay herself to sleep.

drunk.

softer toned.

cute.

killer.

you wouldnt think that i would want a new job that would take me away from this so called life, but i do.

october 22

d-lo + megastir + neens

i told her that when she got married to that no talent boy bander that i wasnt going to write about her. people ask me if i miss her and i say yeah.

yeah.

people ask if i will ever talk to her again, and i think to myself, but i dont say it, i think to myself, well, thats my girlfriend. i dont care who she marries, shes mine. he’ll get struck by lightening one day and she’ll come running back to me and i’ll laugh through the whole funeral and people will give me dirty looks and i will open my dinner jacket and show them my tshirt that says “you shouldnt have made me come here.”

people ask if we talk on the phone or anything and i say no.

people ask if we ever send carrier pigeons to each other and i say sometimes.

but i lie, she sends me one almost every day.

people ask me why i dont like her husband and i say easy, just look at him, or better yet, or worse yet, listen to him.

they say whats wrong with listening to him.

i say, if i was given the ability to sing why would i waste it like he doesn? honestly, would you sing that sort of crap?

i say how come he doesnt wear tshirts that said anna on it.

i say how come he doesnt wear a turtleneck that says luckiest man alive.

they say, but you two seemed to be so in love, and i would say, so.

and they say, but you two were inseperable for a while, and i would say so.

life goes on. ask benlo. people breaking up and people getting together is the oldest dance move out there.

people say would you ever forgive her for marrying him.

i say maybe.

but i think no.

people say will you ever be back together with her again.

and i say, of course.

look at her.

shes my girlfriend.

brett lamb + sara k smith + get your oj

by tony pierce

(part one in a continuing series)

conan o’brien is celebrating his tenth year as the king of late night. he is consistently funnier than dave, jay, jimmy, and craig. some nights funnier than all of them combined.

his interviews are funnier, he gets the best bands, has the most original and freshest sketches, and the best running gags in the business.

for me to poop on.

if i ran cbs i would call up nbc and ask conan if he was interested in coming on at 12:30pm for another ten years like theyre going to make him do. i would remind him that leno is such a workhorse that he even does club dates and vegas on top of his show to “keep fresh” which would mean to me that i wouldnt expect him to retire until he died.

i would remind conan that jay is beating david letterman, who in his prime was the conan of his day: younger, hipper, sharper, quicker, edgier, far more interesting, and on far too late in the night.

i would ask conan if he wanted to be the next dave: older than his years, bitter, a shell of his former self, angry at the system for never giving him what he so rightly deserved – the tonight show.

and then i would tell conan that if he came to cbs i would give him the 11:30pm slot which is all that he would need to beat jay leno. and shock the world.

since conan is a sharp guy he would probably at some point ask me what i was going to do with dave, who currently holds the 11:30pm slot and isnt trailing leno by all that much.

i would tell conan that the most important, and strangely the weakest, portion of the cbs lineup is the 7p-8p slot that is currently the graveyard of Entertainment Tonight and Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

one show that you think you’ve seen lately but youve probably confused for Extra or Access Hollywood

and another that you definitely havent seen in a long time.

f those shows, i would confide in conan. dave can outdraw ET. and it would be live. and it would give dave something new to do. and it would be terribly exciting. and it would provide for great lead-ins to all the cbs primetime shows.

finally a reason to make it through rush hour.

when people come home they want to chill out and catch up with what they missed while they were at their dumb job. who better to come home to and get filled in than with your buddy dave.

would dave complain?

not after he sees that millions more people could watch him than ever before.

id also bring back bowling for dollars.

stacey teas + amako + jaylex

New Terror Laws Used Vs. Common Criminals

Sun Sep 14, 1:14 PM ET

By DAVID B. CARUSO,

Associated Press Writer

PHILADELPHIA – In the two years since law enforcement agencies gained fresh powers to help them track down and punish terrorists, police and prosecutors have increasingly turned the force of the new laws not on al-Qaida cells but on people charged with common crimes.

The Justice Department said it has used authority given to it by the USA Patriot Act to crack down on currency smugglers and seize money hidden overseas by alleged bookies, con artists and drug dealers.

Federal prosecutors used the act in June to file a charge of “terrorism using a weapon of mass destruction” against a California man after a pipe bomb exploded in his lap, wounding him as he sat in his car.

A North Carolina county prosecutor charged a man accused of running a methamphetamine lab with breaking a new state law barring the manufacture of chemical weapons. If convicted, Martin Dwayne Miller could get 12 years to life in prison for a crime that usually brings about six months.

Prosecutor Jerry Wilson says he isn’t abusing the law, which defines chemical weapons of mass destruction as “any substance that is designed or has the capability to cause death or serious injury” and contains toxic chemicals.

Civil liberties and legal defense groups are bothered by the string of cases, and say the government soon will be routinely using harsh anti-terrorism laws against run-of-the-mill lawbreakers.

“Within six months of passing the Patriot Act, the Justice Department was conducting seminars on how to stretch the new wiretapping provisions to extend them beyond terror cases,” said Dan Dodson, a spokesman for the National Association of Criminal Defense Attorneys. “They say they want the Patriot Act to fight terrorism, then, within six months, they are teaching their people how to use it on ordinary citizens.”

Prosecutors aren’t apologizing.

Attorney General John Ashcroft completed a 16-city tour this week defending the Patriot Act as key to preventing a second catastrophic terrorist attack. Federal prosecutors have brought more than 250 criminal charges under the law, with more than 130 convictions or guilty pleas.

The law, passed two months after the Sept. 11 attacks, erased many restrictions that had barred the government from spying on its citizens, granting agents new powers to use wiretaps, conduct electronic and computer eavesdropping and access private financial data.

Stefan Cassella, deputy chief for legal policy for the Justice Department’s asset forfeiture and money laundering section, said that while the Patriot Act’s primary focus was on terrorism, lawmakers were aware it contained provisions that had been on prosecutors’ wish lists for years and would be used in a wide variety of cases.

In one case prosecuted this year, investigators used a provision of the Patriot Act to recover $4.5 million from a group of telemarketers accused of tricking elderly U.S. citizens into thinking they had won the Canadian lottery. Prosecutors said the defendants told victims they would receive their prize as soon as they paid thousands of dollars in income tax on their winnings.

Before the anti-terrorism act, U.S. officials would have had to use international treaties and appeal for help from foreign governments to retrieve the cash, deposited in banks in Jordan and Israel. Now, they simply seized it from assets held by those banks in the United States.

“These are appropriate uses of the statute,” Cassella said. “If we can use the statute to get money back for victims, we are going to do it.”

The complaint that anti-terrorism legislation is being used to go after people who aren’t terrorists is just the latest in a string of criticisms.

More than 150 local governments have passed resolutions opposing the law as an overly broad threat to constitutional rights.

Critics also say the government has gone too far in charging three U.S. citizens as enemy combatants, a power presidents wield during wartime that is not part of the Patriot Act. The government can detain such individuals indefinitely without allowing them access to a lawyer.

And Muslim and civil liberties groups have criticized the government’s decision to force thousands of mostly Middle Eastern men to risk deportation by registering with immigration authorities.

“The record is clear,” said Ralph Neas, president of the liberal People for the American Way Foundation. “Ashcroft and the Justice Department have gone too far.”

Some of the restrictions on government surveillance that were erased by the Patriot Act had been enacted after past abuses � including efforts by the FBI to spy on civil rights leaders and anti-war demonstrators during the Cold War. Tim Lynch, director of the Project on Criminal Justice at the Cato Institute, a libertarian think tank, said it isn’t far fetched to believe that the government might overstep its bounds again.

“I don’t think that those are frivolous fears,” Lynch said. “We’ve already heard stories of local police chiefs creating files on people who have protested the (Iraq ) war … The government is constantly trying to expand its jurisdictions, and it needs to be watched very, very closely.”