baseball schmaseball. life schmife. if the big one hits tomorrow, fine. if my house floods, who cares? mudslide – bring it onslide.

kayne west and rihanna and TI sang and dance a few miles away from my house as i drank and drank and ate and drank at dodger stadium and am i bummed i wasnt there instead of at the scene of the crime? i would be if i cared but i dont care any more. its the only way. my truest is with another at the scene of the crime of ’84 and do i care? of course not. steve bartman and osama bin laden are living in finer luxury than i ever will and does it affect me? meh is what the kids say so meh is what i will say.

people vote for the wrong reasons, people drive cars that are killing us, people shoot each other and run away, girls with perfect bodies and gorgeous hair have sex and refuse to get tested and do i give a rats booty? why should i. very little makes sense on this wide world of shorts. if i cared it would mean that i understood what there was to care about. it would mean that i knew what it was all about alfie. it would mean that i knew the way to san jose. it would say that i knew why the caged cubfan cheers.

stock market falls when congress doesnt bail out the rich, stock market falls when congress does bail out the rich. cubs lose when they dont have a good team, cubs lose when they have the best team theyve ever had. theres pretty much no way some of us will find happiness. fleeting smiles perhaps, but nothing lasting. contact highs at best.

people yelled at me because of the hat i was wearing. they said this beer line is for dodger fans only. i said, the way the cubs have been playing all you jackholes oughtta be buying ME beers. little did i know there was an adorable young college aged girl behind me wearing dodger regalia who consoled me and apologized for the more than rude treatment being hailed upon cub fans last night. only problem with sitting in the all you can eat section – the home team fans can hurtle as many hot dogs at you as they like, because until the 7th inning they can get their hands on as much ammo as they like. for free!

in a regular stadium a man has to think twice before whipping a $7 hotdog at a guy (or a lady) in a cubs hat – in the right field bleachers at dodger stadium a man doesnt have to think at all: boo, aim, fire, laugh, point. one lady opened her mouth at the rainstorm of peanuts. huge mistake. everyone had peanuts and they threw em at her like fastballs. she sat down quickly.

there was a time when cub fans didnt care. those were the best times. we’d go to the game, eat a baloney sandwich. drink some old styles. count the pretty girls in the stands on one hand. enjoy baseball for baseball sake, and go back to our so called lives. at some point being a cubfan became a way of life, and then life itself. it replaced religion. probably because wrigley was more beautiful than any church and harry was more interesting than any preacher.

church is closed for the winter. the heart is closed forever.

thus, your ask tony answers:

josh: Tony – How does it feel to have been given ‘Priority’ moving privileges?

on one hand ive always felt totally special at the times. on the other hand when i first saw that sign the devil in my head said, those dev guys really pulled some strings to get me and linds to leave the 5th floor asap.

adriel: i want to find a date for a thingy next weekend but have no feasible prospects – no hotties at work, no crushes. any ideas?

send me a ticket and i will be there. unless somehow the cubbies can come from behind and shock the world.

lindsay: what will you name the cat i procure for you?

angus if its a dude. seacrest if its a girl.

Gage: any ideas on how i can get over my fear of flying?

flying makes no sense. true its human ingenuity at its finest, but its also insanity. even though im not afraid to fly i can see why others are. maybe one reason im not afraid is because i couldnt care less about my death, especially if it was some firey tragic one. you only die once. let them remember yr flight number.

sass: What do you think of blog archives of politicians putting their prospects in the sh**ter? Cuz y’know noone’s ever going to elect me for anything with my potty mouth.

i dont know how it is in canaduh but here in the states we currently have a president who was a drug taking alkie, we have two nominees who both admit to doing far worse things in their youth than swearing on blogs. politics is all about who you know, who you can wink at, and how much money you can raise. your march to prime minister will be a sprint. have no fear.

PatZ: Who’s the bigger maverick; the Hockey Mom or Joe Sixpack?

mavericks are like members of the mafia, if you call yourself one, you probably arent.

Will Campbell: Is the “cat” Lindsay plans on procuring for you a euphamism and can I haz priority cloud?

i dont even know what a euphamism is. but yes if youd like to move from the 5th floor to the 3rd very quickly its all yours.

zona: do you think Sarah was wearing the “good luck” crotchless panties I sent her for the debate?

seems like whatever you gave her worked. she was wrong on a bunch of things, but she wasnt the embarrassment that she was with that hard hitting katie couric.

timmay!!!!!: why does piniella always seem so crotchedy? doesn’t that sort of negative demeanor eventually have an effect on the team?

billy martin was an ass to his players. but he won. he didnt win after a few years because youre right after a while people dont respond to someone yelling at them. but for a short period of time it can have a positive effect, especially on millionaires, to motivate them. “sweet” lou led the cubs to the best record in the NL, i dont care how he did it, i just hope he can do it tonight, and tomorrow if there is a tomorrow.

timmay!!!!!: do you think it’s interesting that the word crotch appeared twice at 1:30 p.m.? (i don’t even know zona)

great minds share the gutter?

The Holywriter: Will Jonah really hang with me if I send that pro-voting vid to five of my friends?

has he ever lied to you before?

Amy: dear tony, were you born awesome, or is it something you have to work at every day?

i was born awesome. but then something happened and i lost my mojo. i rediscovered it in college when i met some amazing people including my first editor, who just happened to be a female. since then ive always tried to learn from my female editors, and it appears to be working out.

Mike: have you ever heard anyone else call nuclear weapons a deterrent?

i have. it makes me laugh every time. but im easily pleased since this makes me laugh too.

Phaedra: What is your Hallowe’en costume going to be this year?

Misty May-Treanor.

urbanhayseed: Is our season over?

i have a ticket to the game today, and it will be accepted. so no.

-k-: “Hud” or “Cool Hand Luke?”

Slap Shot

Sharp: What do you think of the Dalai Lama?

all glove, no hit.

your boy tp asked a favor of your boy matt welch and buddy (and new dad) is now blogging on the Fabulous Forum blog at the LAT exclusively about the California Angels of Anaheim and their run to the World Series

bro has already written a few pieces that you should check out, and linked to the amazing vid above of Lou Reed and some chubby dude.

not your typical LAT post.

which is why we love him.

ah the cute lad makes me feel so much better about the future of america. unless hes a midget. no, its a kid. isnt it?

speaking of kids, guess who’s preggers? blog pioneer nay.

when history looks back at the founding fathers of blogging dont be surprised if they dont find men, but teen girls known in some circles as “cam girls” who blogged before there was blogging.

hot babes like nay coded their own pages, updated frequently, added lots of photos, and beautiful and ever-changing design.

now the babe is having a babe, so congratulations nay, the busblog was inspired by you even before there was blogger.

although i would pretty much do anything sarah silverman asked.

my favorite thing about voting?

going to the church where my polling place is.

anyways, if you dont wanna email this to 5 friends, give them all links to this post and lead them here.

just because its celebs telling you to do something doesnt mean it’s lame.

i’ll have to ask my bro Todd Martens if it was as quiet at Wrigley as what it seemed like on TV. from the first pitch to the last i barely heard any joy in mudville. it appeared to be like real cub fans dealing with the endless amount of doubts in their heads. yes this might be game one of the playoffs, yes that might be the best team in the national league wearing C’s on their caps, but its still the cubs, the cubs of our youth.

the cubs of our death.

because my boss is the greatest ever she let me work a half day so i could watch game one in the peace and quiet of my bachelor pad. halfway home i was seriously considering finding a gentlemans club and watching the game there so if a situation like this occurred the pain wouldnt be as biting and i could be drunk by now. but my phone kept ringing and my email kept dinging so i actually did “work” from home, something i wouldnta been able to do at bobs classy lady. is that place still around anymore?

i knew we were in trouble when dempster couldnt keep his pitches down and gladly the lord put me to sleep right before james loney hit the granny.

then manny ran out an infield single (is everyone sure hes 36?). and in the 7th with the wind blowing in he hit a flat footed homer using his wrists exclusively. it was at that point that the game was over and wrigley was quieter than ever.

oh how i wish i could just go back to thursday at el pollo loco eating lunch with ali and sarah filled with playoff anticipation. this reality business is for the birds.

so heres something from a rally in chicago the other day