and one next weekend

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18 team leagues. im the commish. no cheating. no prizes. just glory. of me winning.

or because i simply know it so well

when i drove around the country a few years ago, i felt like if push came to shove i could learn to love anywhere. especially new york city. but also austin. and toronto. and norman. and vegas.

if i ever had to write a book i would do it in vegas. if i ever had to retire id do it in vegas. if i ever had to die id like it to be violent and in vegas.

i dont understand people who want to die in their sleep. the only thing i wanna do in my sleep is sleep. the only thing i wanna do when i die is feel things i will never be able to feel: death. what does it taste like. what does it look like. how does it sound.

ok lunch

why it was in my room this weekend is beyond me. what was it supposed to symbolize?

life? death? phoniness of youth? yes yes and yes.

this girl calls me at all hours. i used to have a peaceful life.

i used to sit in bed and watch tv. before that i used to sit on the couch and watch tv with my lap top on the coffee table.

sometimes thered be a tap at the window. sometimes if they were college aged thered be at text message followed by a tap. but shes older so she just calls.

i say you cant booty call someone on a monday night.

she says its tuesday morning. i say i KNOW its a tuesday morning. thats even worse.

sometimes they whine, sometimes they even cry. how is crying sexy? why would you want a crying girl in your house? doesnt she know i have neighbors? doesnt she know i have a reputation to uphold.

my reputation is the perfect neighbor, the one you never hear. the one who could be dead in his house for a month for all you know but youd never know. except the plants are watered and the newspaper gets picked up each morning from the porch.

other than that youd never even know i exist. keeps to himself.

would never have suspected him.

but these girls need to be noticed. its like the world will end if someones not on top of them. the world is gonna end, i tell her. life is a cabaret, old chum.

today i dared ask her, if you were satisfied sexually, and if all eyes of the world were upon you, and after they told you how beautiful you are, then what, then what would you want to do in that moment? what would you have to say for yourself?

huge mistake, cuz this too made her cry. mistake cuz this time it really was my fault.

and this time i had to let her come over, cuz this time she saw that she really doesnt have much to offer humanity other than the magical ability to wear pretty much any article of clothing which no man can resist to try to take off of her.

a paradox in pumps.

a dilemma in a denim skirt.

a tap, then a pound on my screen door.

and called bs

and ultimately singlehandedly took down that show and pretty much outted tucker for being a huge phoney, one of the things stewart was pleading for was for educated adult debates as opposed to a bukkake of talking points screamed from one side to another.

there are many reasons why i admire my boss, but one reason is its very interesting to watch her listen to people, something you dont see often on television, and sadly one aspect of my personality that i need work on. not only do people simply wait for their turn to speak, but rarely do they seriously give the other person a chance to say what it is that they are thinking and then allow the conversation to go down that path.

the translation of jujutsu is “the art of softness”. in the video above, watch how bro tries to pretend how he wants to have an educated, adult conversation but he really just wants to bash invisible enemies who he calls democrats. he admits the flaws of “his” party, resigns himself to the fact that the man who he is aligning himself to won’t probably win, and somehow tries to place blame on the young lady and how she has chosen to run her show.

he says he doesnt appreciate her sarcasm and levity, among other things.

as if her tone is as important as the wars his “party” has entered our nation into, the economic peril we as a planet are finding ourselves in, or the racism and hatred other members of his “party” are expressing upon the man who he himself is predicting will probably be our next president.

as if that wasnt interesting enough, notice how she very softly uses almost every one of his attacks and turns them around at him. watch how he has to look down away from the camera. listen as he feels the need to raise his voice and interrupt her when he can sense her making a point. and then note how beautifully she subdues him and skewers him in the final exchange ultimately killing him with kindness and exemplifying precisely what it is to hold an adult conversation.

she is the change-up, the slow-ball, the okie-doke

and the victor in this round, son.