dear tony,
ive read your blog. ive read your tweets, ive seen your instagrams,
ive read your palm, ive audited your taxes, ive investigated your tarot.
you are a libra on the scorpio cusp. bad moon rising.
you’re healthy, semi-wealthy, and wise.
you have no problem talking with women or making even the most uncooperative of us smile.
you’re nearly 100 years old (black sure dont crack). so why havent you gotten married ever?
my guess: you are afraid of commitment, intimacy, and you hide behind your blog.
signed,
Famous Expert
dear expert,
some of what you say is true. i am wise. and im healthy. the rest, you should do more research.
i am not afraid of anything except the good lord (rightfully) nixxing me from Paradise.
when it comes to romance i go all in. i’ll fly to foreign lands, i’ll fly the lands to me.
i pay for everything. i give up everything.
i do all of the things ive seen other men refuse to do, not because of any other reason than i think its fun.
but there are several outside forces that, if you have truly read this blog, i have laid out repeatedly: the first is the undercover agency the xbi. they like it when i am sans babes. i get to help them save the world when im solo. the second is the angels. sometimes they pull apart the good things that i have going so the young lady can blossom somewhere else outside of my every clutching clutches. and the third is me. i am not as incredible in real life as i am on the www. i dress very badly, i have a spare tire belly, i eat at mcdonalds like every day, and i dont have a jealous bone in my body. believe it or not, that bothers some ladies.
regardless, i do not have the same goals as many on the planet. i do not think a wife, kids, and a minivan is the key to happiness. i think it can bring happiness. and im sure i could have been happy if one thing led to another and poof i was softball soccer dad driving my spawn to the bowling alley for tapdance lessons. but for some reason it didnt work out that way.
and i am willing to conclude that thats fine.
do i look at some of my friends and sigh and think wow, fucking kickass house, fucking sweet pool, fucking beautiful fam? yes. do i ever, even for a minute think, i wonder if that was me?
no.
because that is nothing at all who tony pierce, xbi agent to the stars, busblog uber driver to LA, was meant to do.
for better or worse i was not put here to pay off a mortgage.
for worse or better i was put here to kiss pretty girls from around the world.
and then write about some of it
and take pictures in a canadian mirror after being interrogated by the border patrol
for you.
and you.
and them.
because they are busy raising the next generation and paying off that mortgage
and driving to tennis camp.
and when they see what i have to say
which is
none of this is true
they wont be tempted to do it too.
I hate to say it, Tony; but…both your eyes and her eyes are ’empty.’ There’s nothing there. No feeling… except the feeling in your pants. And that’s fleeting. Like the enema. Other than that, she’s pretty. I COULD get into the psychology of posting pictures on social media of all the women you’ve ever been with, like you have something to prove… to YOURSELF, but I’ll spare you because… I know you’re smart enough to understand all this shit without my help! You’re in denial. And I’m never wrong. I want you to compare a picture of yourself with the girl you BLEW and this one. Look at your eyes when you’re in the presence of someone you really love (and LIKE). They light up. It’s like magic. You don’t even have to try. Here’s the first of hopefully, for your blog’s sake… 40 comments! 😉
Alas, I loved all of them. And I blew it with all of them. Etienne, above, included.
Ugh, the man cannot be “penetrated.” Fine, I get it; none of my bees wax. See, maybe YOU can’t be penetrated, but I can! 😛 (Damn it, everything I say to you comes out sounding dirty! Perhaps it’s just me.) In a way, you remind me of this episode of Full House (Full House, not to be confused with Fuller House!) where Joey’s girlfriend gets fed up with him because he told her he loves her as Goofy and Popeye but never as Joey. I’m not saying you love me LOL I’m saying you’re hiding behind “humor” and you don’t show REAL emotion, not as Tony. Did your dear mother (no offense!) scold you for acting out, or something; because you’re somewhat of a needle-butt with your TRUE feelings. It’s a little condescending, even though I know all your loyal readers who keep sticking up for you on social media who never agree. That said, in a way I appreciate the restraint. Anyone else would have called me terrible names by now! (I STILL say you’re the Mouse character on Twitter! Tony, himself would never call me names, but Mouse would!) LOL That’s what drives me up the wall about your blog (YOU); you’re bottling up your real emotions! What the hell are you scared of? Looking foolish? And why are you giving sexy young girls “lyfts” anyway? You know, before Uber was a taxi service (of sorts), it was a German word. I think you need to get in touch with your REAL emotions and give up women until you find the one woman that makes your eyes sparkle — but you won’t find her on Twitter or social media and you won’t find her blogging (constantly) either. Not her and not you. Too bad you live in Hollywood, you’ll never find her here. I can go on and on, but 1) I know you don’t want me to and 2) I know it bugs you that…I’m right! The more sex you have, Tony; the less meaning life will have for you. That’s why husbands and wives just stop having it after a while. Not because they’re fed up with each other; but because they’re already high on life just knowing they HAVE someone.
And another thing!!!!! You say you’re healthy but… you simply cannot be healthy AND bald at the same time, unless, of course, you shave your head. I can’t tell if you shave your head, but if you do (shave your head), then THAT is NOT healthy (mentally). I can understand balding men shaving their heads not to look silly; but men with a healthy head of hair… shaving it off? If you understood the psychology behind a head of hear; not just for women, but for men, as well; it goes far beyond vanity. Healthy people with high self-esteem would never shave their heads if they didn’t HAVE to! I was about to write a blog post about Keranique giving women an excuse to eat shit and NOT go completely bald when I decided to come back and give this post another chance. (I still stand by my original opinion: low self-esteem, pining away for the one that got away (your own damn fault, too!)), so listen up! Baldness is NOT a sign of (good) health! I don’t want to upset you or freak you out (too late, right?) but if you’re bald NOT by choice, then you need to seriously reconsider eating at McDonald’s every day (or ever again)! Everything you see on the outside, Tone? It’s a show of what’s on the inside. Stop eating McDonald’s and hurry up and get married or you’ll never regrow your hair!!!!! This helps if you marry an old fashioned Italian girl who still cooks from scratch!!!!! OMG, when did this turn into a health blog? Stop provoking me! Stop it, stop it right now! LOL
Oh, and one more thing (dude, I’m even getting on my own damn nerves! Stupid PMS!)… I think it’s the opposite of endearing, the way you refer to “me” as a “famous expert” *snarl* OK, I’m leaving you for good now! *fin*