dear tony,

ive read your blog. ive read your tweets, ive seen your instagrams,

ive read your palm, ive audited your taxes, ive investigated your tarot.

you are a libra on the scorpio cusp. bad moon rising. 

you’re healthy, semi-wealthy, and wise. 

you have no problem talking with women or making even the most uncooperative of us smile.

you’re nearly 100 years old (black sure dont crack). so why havent you gotten married ever?

my guess: you are afraid of commitment, intimacy, and you hide behind your blog.

signed,

Famous Expert

dear expert,

some of what you say is true. i am wise. and im healthy. the rest, you should do more research.

i am not afraid of anything except the good lord (rightfully) nixxing me from Paradise.

when it comes to romance i go all in. i’ll fly to foreign lands, i’ll fly the lands to me.

i pay for everything. i give up everything.

i do all of the things ive seen other men refuse to do, not because of any other reason than i think its fun.

but there are several outside forces that, if you have truly read this blog, i have laid out repeatedly: the first is the undercover agency the xbi. they like it when i am sans babes. i get to help them save the world when im solo. the second is the angels. sometimes they pull apart the good things that i have going so the young lady can blossom somewhere else outside of my every clutching clutches. and the third is me. i am not as incredible in real life as i am on the www. i dress very badly, i have a spare tire belly, i eat at mcdonalds like every day, and i dont have a jealous bone in my body. believe it or not, that bothers some ladies.

regardless, i do not have the same goals as many on the planet. i do not think a wife, kids, and a minivan is the key to happiness. i think it can bring happiness. and im sure i could have been happy if one thing led to another and poof i was softball soccer dad driving my spawn to the bowling alley for tapdance lessons. but for some reason it didnt work out that way.

and i am willing to conclude that thats fine.

do i look at some of my friends and sigh and think wow, fucking kickass house, fucking sweet pool, fucking beautiful fam? yes. do i ever, even for a minute think, i wonder if that was me?

no.

because that is nothing at all who tony pierce, xbi agent to the stars, busblog uber driver to LA, was meant to do.

for better or worse i was not put here to pay off a mortgage.

for worse or better i was put here to kiss pretty girls from around the world.

and then write about some of it

and take pictures in a canadian mirror after being interrogated by the border patrol

for you.

and you.

and them.

because they are busy raising the next generation and paying off that mortgage

and driving to tennis camp.

and when they see what i have to say

which is

none of this is true

they wont be tempted to do it too.