Monthly Archives: November 2016

do you know i love you? i do.

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westworld was incredible last night.

there was a subplot about robots holding grudges. something that heretofore was unique only to to humans.

but because we are so incredible and influential either things try to be like us or end up being like us.

i have a huge heart. i love so many people. i do whatever i can to help people.

but i can also be super mean. especially online.

and in real life boy can i hold a grudge.

you coulda dissed me in 6th grade and if you didnt say omg omg im so sorry tony

then if i saw your house was on fire and i was in a damn fire truck driving the thing i wouldnt stop.

id say burn fucker burn.

then it comes to ladies. ive been dissed by my share. like anyone. people have let me down. i suppose thats normal.

and then some have just straight up used and abused me – spiritually.

it’s weird how some of em i’ll be all, it’s cool, whatevs and some im like yeah naw.

theres this one who i wanna say baby the end of the world is nigh, ive always loved you

and i hope youre getting the treatment that you need so badly because youre so special

but i worry what that message would mean to her. i wonder if she’d take it the right way.

so i dont send it. i dont send anything. i dont write anything. i think about it sometimes.

but when i was a college kid i realized something very important: people listen to the devil in their head

way more than they listen to guy wearing the cubs hat. so fuck it. just do you, negro.

today i ordered lunch from this one spot and they were all great, that’ll be $27

i was all, the menu says $14. they were like but you ordered a coke.

i said yes, please take that $13 coke and shove it.

i didnt say up your ass because people do put things up there here in LA

and i would never want to disrespect those people.

but deep down i dont wanna disrespect anyone.

because i know how bad that feels.

next sunday i start reading Revelations in the bible.

yesterday i was done with Johns letters and i turned the page and saw Revelations was next and i was like

yeah lets start this next week. shit.

Jon Oliver put this week’s entire episode on YouTube

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maybe it’s cuz he knows we can’t just do the same old thing any more

and pretty much says so near the end.

he’s a funny dude and im glad he’s around.

but it’s hard for me to think that if Jon Stewart was still on the air

and if Colbert had his report still, Trump winning woulda been a little harder.

but millions of people wanted him and Trump was his own worst enemy

so who knows, maybe some people just don’t mind when drunk people drive

on the ice

at night

while also tweeting

and looking for the right emoji.

are we all gonna die?

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rihannayes.

i would make the worst dad.

is russia gonna invade us?

probs.

is china gonna help them?

if they were smart.

is china smart?

not with all that fucking pollution theyre not.

is the world going to speed up global warming with a republican president and a republican congress and republican governors pretty much everywhere?

we would only be so lucky if the icebergs all melted and flooded florida instead of dealing with the nuclear winter we are gonna have once all the bombs are accidentally and then on purposelly fired off at iran and korea and milwaukee and paris.

is mike pence secretly gay?

no, he’s just an asshole. gay people have style.

is rihanna a slut?

we really cant go around saying that women have the right to do with their bodies what they want and then run around even allowing that word to even exist.

what word?

good boy.

i wish i could be like all the others

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canadalandi wish i could just hold it all in and be cool

have a liscense plate that said

nbd

i wish i could write existential think pieces

or well reasoned treatises.

my treatises are so fucked up and twisted and gnarled and bitter and foulmouthed and rotten

i love this city and im always trying to run from it

when i read a book i’ll stop before its over

because i want some left over surprise of goodness

saving it for rainy day

but if ever there was a rainy day

i wish i liked todays sounds

and coffee

group activities

and wellness

herbal teas and balance.

drove these two kids from their homecoming dance at a hotel to a dennys on crenshaw, two black kids, adorable and smart. they asked me my age and gasped when i told them.

they asked but how

and i said, fast food and white girls

and sipped from the straw of my extra large coke.

this video taught me what the electoral college is about and why it was made

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but i still dont buy the negatives

why should the less populous states have more of a powerful voice than the more populous ones

these states were created quite awhile ago.

so long ago that the current parties dont look anything like what they did back then.

neither do the states nor the people in the states.

one person, one vote would get more people into the polls

because right now, my vote in california doesnt matter

it would mean so much more in arizona or ohio or michigan

and thats fucked up and no way to figure out who should be president.

the first black attorney general agrees with me

 

 

she sent me some nudes as i drove around town

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trumpome. 50. bald. fat. dumb. incoherent.

a blogger.

shes full of gorgeousness. blonde. free. happy. sassy.

im all, im trying to drive over here.

she sends another and im like hey im trying to be sad over here. worlds ending.

above i can hear the helicopters hover really high above downtown LA. they gotta be news copters because theyre just up there treading water so gracefully. except its air. thick with sorrow. heavy with heaviness.

im sure she cares but instead asks me to take a picture of my junk. i do a search for a black male porn star from the 80s, all it shows is his legs and his massive moneymaker. i copy it, send it to her.

she says whos floor is that? thats not yours! what whores house you at?!

she better be kidding. no one owns me. i sure as hell dont own her.

if i did, shed be out driving in south central.

and id be up in chopper one

looking down.

trying to figure out how to stop the inevitable.

last night, the first night of president elect Pussy Grabber, the people marched

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day 1they marched in Seattle and Portland and New York City and Chicago

and Oakland and Frisco and when they took to the streets in LA they took the most important street, the Hollywood Freeway.

they held signs that said Fuck Trump and Not My President

but my favorite was one that simply said NO

because that’s what i said when i heard the first result Tuesday evening.

No, not like how you feel when you drop your triple scoop ice cream to the ground accidentally when you’re 10 years old

but how you feel when the richest guy on tv slaps that ice cream from your hand

and millions of your countrymen and women applaud.

the cops were no match for the protesters in NY and LA because there were far too many pissed off Americans. this is a president who has no clue and doesn’t want a clue. for every lie from Hillary, Trump lied 20 times. But his supporters don’t care and they’ll tell you they don’t care. seemingly what they care about is Them and only Them. and by Them i mean people who look like Them who didn’t feel that the previous president was them.

but how was Barack Hussein Obama, a half black half white kid raised by his mom who got a scholarship to Harvard and then worked the mean streets of the South Side of Chicago not them? was he too smart? is that why they relate to Trump? did they feel intimidated by the Community Organizer? or did they feel uptight that America didn’t need a full white guy to fix the place?

first a black and then a woman? was that the white man’s fear? were they afraid that this would be the beginning of the phasing out of the Bro Culture?

we don’t know because they lied to the pollsters, they lie to the press, and when asked now why they voted for the man with zero experience, all they say is Because He’s Going to Make America Great Again.

when George W was reelected this blog turned its header black. i was just as confused then as i am now. back then i wondered how people who saw four years of 9/11 and its pathetic aftermath could reelect an imbecile liar who mishandled pretty much everything that he touched. i was despondent, i was angry, i was confused, and i felt alienated from the country i loved.

but out of that suffering came Obama.

the Light.

they say sometimes you don’t appreciate things until it’s taken away.

the ironic thing about the millions who voted Trump is in a few years tens of millions will look back and say holy shit Obama was amazing and i took it for granted. i am so sorry.

yes you are sorry.

the bible tells me not to judge and to use my magical powers for love and beauty

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bowie and prince

i was trying to uber last night as the election results were pouring in and i was making some good money because lots of people wanted to watch with their friends.

but then i got super sad and nervous and i was near the In N Out next to Hollywood High standing in line for a double double fries and a chocolate shake

when a pretty girl started sexting me. i get worried about that business because even though i love to write and text and talk about those topics,

what happens if she gets pissed at me one day and publishes it online to embarrass me?

i will forever be a midwestern boy no matter my age.

but fuckit i said to myself, the worlds gonna end and at my age everyone knows im a red blooded american man.

Got home and curled up and watched the end of western civilization via Fox News. Even they couldnt believe it.

The scene was just as surreal watching the Trump Family and his acceptance speech last night

as it was watching the Cubs finally get their reward last week in Chicago.

so many people texted me. some were hard to talk with because it was such an emotional downer. but most were great to hear from.

i think three beautiful canadian girls proposed to me so i could move up there.

i asked one of them, your bf wont mind if i marry you? she said nah, hes a dope.

then this american girl said lets get married. worlds gonna end. i said fine but lets escape to Old Quebec.

she said why there?

i said i was there with a girl who wasnt in love with me which was sad because it was like the most romantic place ive been in this hemisphere.

she said, lets make new memories. how about Costa Rica?

i said is that in mexico she said no. i said fine. she said but you love mexicans. i said it sounds close to mexico, i can visit.

so i looked at it on the map and its near cuba sorta. if you have a boat. and why not have a boat if youre living in Costa Rica with a pretty girl with a floppy hat.

and those are the things you should think about

even if theyre just glorious fantasies

as the world melts down

and the devil smiles

from his podium.

voted today cuz i love america and female presidents and plants

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longest line ive ever seen at the church where ive been voting for the last 15 years.

there were two lines for the two precincts that vote here. never had i had to stand out in the hallway before.

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you had to look at the voter rolls to see if you found your name. if your name was on the left you stood in line on the right.

if your name was on the right you could just walk right in that door.

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i didnt like the fact that the church was politicking in a way with their huge board advertising a “drug-free summit”

despite the fact that we were all voting on a measure that would legalize the “drug” marijuana.

before i had a chance to call bullshit someone else called bullshit and they removed the sign.

which is why i love my hollywood neighbors and why i feel good that everything i voted for will win.

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two things we know are true: if you dont have an I Voted sticker, you didnt vote.

and if you didnt take a selfie of some sort it was all a dream.

but it was really nice to vote for the first female US president.

and weed.

#twofortuesday