have i ever said that life was fair

when the cubs won the world series five million people flooded the beautiful streets of Chicago because

life isn’t fair.

the underdogs don’t win.

the team you love rarely does it.

movies and novels and beautiful poems exist because life is the opposite and we need those delicious lies to keep us from jumping off tall buildings. so when the patriots started marching down the field today

with precision

we all knew what was going to happen because we’ve seen it every day

the pretty boy gets the model

the rich get richer

the worst possible result is the allthetime result

the only reason obama won the first time was because the GOP didn’t wanna try and fail to clean up the mess it made during Bush Cheney. they had no idea how quickly your boy from the south side could do it or else they would have tried harder to stop him.

they tried extra to beat hillary because they hate girls like so much.

do i give tom brady props? sure. bellacheat too? fine. they are winners. they don’t ever quit and thats what we all need to learn from this truly exciting game we just saw: if there is time on the clock fucking go for it.

of course you’ll probably lose, but that doesnt matter.

he only thing that matters in life is when you look back you can say you gave everything.

brb gotta puke.

the white house called

tony we want you to be the president’s twitter editor

who dis?

it’s the white house, we realize there are issues with what the president tweets and we need an editor. 

true.

how much would you charge?

one billion dollars.

be serious.

one point five billion dollars.

why won’t you be reasonable?

why wont you let a black man become a billionaire?

that’s not how things work

yeah no shit.

we can pay you a fortune, but not a billion.

pay me whatever that jerk off bannon is getting paid plus one dollar and speaking of the dollar, put Rosa Parks on the dollar bill and i’ll do it.

tony, i AM stephen bannon

and my other condition is i am never to talk with you again.

the latter can be arranged, but we can’t change the dollar bill.

then i guess you’re shit outta luck.

we will be in touch with you again.

text next time why dont ya

click

20 20 24 hours ago

last night at this time i couldn’t look up

i could barely breathe.

i had the worst headache i had ever had in my life.

i thought, wow God, you’ve never shown me this level before.

i had the tv on but i had to look at the carpet. my dirty carpet.

everthing looked dirty in my house. everything was the cause of my illness.

my heater was on full blast, i was in my robe, trying to remember if i ate the cold pill already or if i needed one.

i could barely look at the computer but i did a search for Drixoral which was the one pill i knew could defeat the XBI poison

but, alas, the XBI forced it off the market years ago.

i took a sip of water. i tried a bite of a banana. nothing. i’d not eat for another 15 hours.

i slept. i woke. i slept more. i blew my nose into rally towels and tissues and wash rags.

in the morning i rose. would i barf? no.

i awoke to (in)appropriate photos on my phone, well wishes from dignitaries and my neighbor left a box of Girl Scout Cookies on my porch.

my mother reminded me that i always get sick around the Oscars and i do remember that one time that i had kidney stones around this time, so maybe shes right.

all of it was healing to me and i could lift my head.

i walked outside and around the block to the dry cleaners to get my suit for Monday’s Oscar Nomination Luncheon which I hope to work, and i saw a cockroach on its back, legs wiggling in the air

Death was indeed near

and when i returned a minute later

it was dead.

ive been sick all day

i woke up puking

puked at night too.

its my throat chamber. a little nose too.

if i die give everything to the truest.

give the rest to the ronald mcdonald house.

i drove past them today as i was coming back from the store.

ive lived here for so long and ive never donated anything to them.

hopefully i live long enough to give them some of my fucking kick ass clothes

and video games

id give em my baseball cards but do they even know who those old players are?

i guess thats how you learn.

tonight i watched two episodes of The Young Pope on HBO. so good. i watched it standing up because i kept having to blow my nose.

if i die put my body in a canoe on the lagoon at ucsb and have an archer shoot a flaming arrow at it and let it catch fire.

i used to want my ashes to be spread around wrigley but they have country concerts there now and other bullshit so fuckit.

isla vista lagoon.

flaming arrow

explosions.

let bands play.

kegs

bring yr own cup.

last night a sweet lady on rodeo drive lost her phone in my car

it’s a pain when this happens because it screws up your flow

if youre doing things right all of your mojo is about pick up drop off pick up drop off, keep it moving.

as long as the wheels are turning and somones in the car with you youre making that money

and i dont know about you but ive got a little bit of credit card debt that im trying to knock all the way down to zero and last week i only made $100 off uber, which isnt my goal, fyi

so i was rolling. one two three uber select rides in a row. it was great. until i realized #2 had left her phone in my car.

i had remembered what restaurant i had dropped her off in beverly hills so after i picked up and dropped off the screenwriter of Arrival(!) at the Roxy, i headed west to little santa monica to the new italian joint where she was dining.

heres my problem all of my passengers look the same to me in the back seat in the dark.

if youre white you look like amy adams to me. if youre black you look like lupita, my queen. if youre a dude you look like robin williams in popeye.

so there i am roaming around in this crowded nouveu restaurante and no one looks like amy adams. so i double back and go to my Waze to see if her home address got stored in there. it was, sorta, it was a range of addresses. i get there in a few minutes, park, walk up the walk, knock on the door, husband opens, he is shocked that the uber driver is arriving, dont be shocked its busblog who was raised right. was sorta expecting him to slip me a $20 but no, thats ok. i mosey back to the car because giving back to the hood is really what its all about anyways,

then today i get a phone call. i guess she wrote uber and uber gave her my number indirectly. she and i chat she tells me the restaurante is crap. i was all did you see Ryan Seacrest there? she said yeah he was at the table next to mine. i was all omg i was right there then. oh well. she says i wanna tip you. i say ah, just pay it forward to the next driver. she says no really.

so i say do you have Venmo. she says no. i say ah. she says but i will get it! so i text her my name on venmo (busblog) (duh) and she flowed me $40!

people really do win on MTV!

found a lady’s camera in my back seat the other day

so i turned off the thing and drove over to the restaurant i had dropped she and her sister at

spanish place. classy.

looked around didnt see her. talked to the hostess.

nothing. did a little report on the uber app.

couple days later no response so i opened it up

and it was a film camera.

old school like.

maybe she was giving it back to the Earth.

maybe i need to do something with it.

maybe its a magic camera