today is moka’s birthday

there was a time when i would just walk up to cool people and talk with them.

moka worked for i think wikipedia or something crazy like that, we were at sxsw in austin

at a rock show and i just cruised over

where did i get such courage?

where did it go?

we had a very good conversation and i think went to one or two other shows

kept in touch on facebook for years.

i wish i was more like that bearded man with the bootleg sonic youth shirt that i bet goes for $200 today

that was a selfie with a dslr with no viewfinder which is why most of it isnt us

the second best thing about that picture

it’s 322am im pretty sure i know why im exhausted

today i published episode 107 of your favorite podcast

the guy i featured never told me if he liked it or hated it or what which is always disconcerting

but he didnt say TAKE IT DOWN so i guess thats nice

then i went and interviewed the most interesting man in his late 60s who is a novelist and TV writer who has a great Craftsman home. he grew up in South Central near Inglewood and achieved the American Dream.

he was so good but i feel like i didnt do the best job interviewing him.

then i got home and dilly dallied for my setlist work.

finally did what i needed to do but that took all night, ending at 3am.

and now im thinking about what i did the other day for Ambers sister, family and friends. i have all these pics. over 2,000.

problem is theyre very personal. many not appropriate for families. like her being cute in tiny boy shorts or topless or wearing sexy dresses. totally forgot how often she’d pose when id say holy shit what the hell are you wearing.

let the record state, we did not have a perfect relationship which is why we broke up 2x. but when we were together every day we did our best to make it work. knowing it was doomed. knowing there was an elephant in the room.

next to my resistance to commitment Mammoth.

we drove everryyyyyyywhere

pretty sure this is the Westside Pavillion roof right before it stopped being open to the public

we did this thing where id pose her looking out into the distance all alone

Date Night, she’d caption it.

so when we saw this totally barren parking lot i said run out there, sit down, and lets do a Date Night.

and i know i still sorta have it and i could probably get a girlfriend again but i wonder if the next one will be as open to pose for silly pics and

love me.

or just want me for my 1 pack abs.

trust me

if i could i would blog more but my days and nights go so quickly

and this blog hardly ever lets me in

so when it does, like now, sometimes i dont have a bunch of things to say other than holy damn am i busy

i try so hard to start my work early but it takes me hours and hours to research the things i write for setlist

in part bc i dont wanna let bree down

but also bc if real fans of those bands read what i write i want them to feel enriched not

omg this guy knows NOTHING

so now its 1am and ive gotta chop up some of the podcasts before they get sent to jordan

then maybe i can sleep before 4am?

thats the goal

love ya bye

had a nice talk with raymi the minx

over the years we didnt do a lot of telephone talking but the great thing about her is i think she respects me and she knows i respect her too

didnt get a lot of sleep last night

was i being haunted?

i hope so.

i wouldnt mind it.

i just hope everythings good.

i want things to be good.

the Republicans kicked out their own Speaker of the House today without a replacement.

what a train wreck.

god gave me such a beautiful girlfriend

amber

who was so loving, and lovable, and sweet

and i swear to you i tried

but i fucked it all up

even when it was over and she reached out

i didnt know what to do

and i am so sorry. i wish you could know how sorry i am.

i think about her more now than ever

but what good is that?

how could i have been different? what could i have done?

are some problems unfixable?

no i dont think so. i think there are always solutions. always.

she was right here for years. right here every night.

im trying to think, other than a few rare exceptions we were right next to each other every night.

why couldnt i fix it

i was nervous that if we ever broke up she wouldnt be able to pull it off

she was soooooo good at work, i said to myself, of course she can

or she will meet some handsome rich guy and that’ll do it

but no

no

 

 

no