what is even anything

it’s 3am. in bed. full of energy. there’s a baby possum sneaking around over by the grill.

people of the future: these were bizarre times. no street cleaning. Apple stores all closed. Malls closed. Beaches open. Ppl demanding to get their hair done.

Amber wants me to help dye her hair and I’m sorta against it. I feel like a line will be crossed.

Also she doesn’t need it. We’re in bikinis and tshirts most of the time. Who are we trying to impress?

Obviously the possum approves.

Speaking of Apple they’ve been very cool. Their new Air is fine but after years on a 17inch trying to look at a 13 inch is like staring down a porthole.

After posting that video last week all these people starting following me on Facebook because some of them think I know those guys for some reason.

One guy DMed me and said, check it the state starts growing weed and sells it. that way when you buy it you’re like helping support teachers.

I’ve had to unfriend a few already. One guy was super anti-journalism. When did this start? Must there be a tv show that truly talks about journalism every day? Spectrum has this one about the LA Times but it can feel very infomercial-ly.

Get in there. And talk about radio and tv and digital. Put things in context.

I don’t mean to exaggerate, future people. Not Every Apple store is closed. In San Diego a few are open. I was gonna drive down there to do the switch but first I entered into a chat with Apple Support.

It was a dream.

Dude up sold me and figured out how it could get delivered in a day.

Still not sleepy.

do you know how lucky we are?

me, you them, all of us are fortunate to be here

now

sharing this tiny sliver of time together

on this miraculous rock

where the air, water, temperature, oxygen levels are all at the right point

yes theres famine and pollution and crazy economic disparity

but we are here together.

and so many of us want to help.

and we are helping.

and as my preacher said today via YouTube

maybe it seems like everythings upside down right now

because maybe things are finally turning right side up

i am lucky that you are here

via the crazy internet tubes

which are filled with both plus signs

and negatives.

zeroes and ones.

you and mes.

me and yous.

lets try to do one more good thing this week

than we did last week

for someone.

im waiting, i dont like to wait. especially for what im waiting on.

was it easier when i was young and dumb?

i feel like it’s harder when youre older because you have expectations based on miracles or

the Best case scenarios

i wanna go to the beach after im done waiting but amber doesnt.

what if i went alone?

i haven’t done anything truly alone like that in years.

id rather go with her. she loves malibu.

in her dream world she’d open a coffee shop there and employ young people on the spectrum.

in my dream world id open up a pizza joint there.

when i was a kid we had a pizza joint in our neighborhood called

The Pizza Joint.

they made round pizzas and cut the slices in squares.

pizza these days only gives me a stomach ache because i was so spoiled by those pizzas in my youth.

ok done, the toast popped up.

in the days of chimpanzees

it’s taking me forever to write things during this pandemic.
can i blame it?

am i getting old? have i lost it? is this it?

beck turned 50 yesterday.

this blue eyed child who when he was introduced via my SPIN magazine subscription he looked like a schoolboy.

how is he 50?

how does anything survive and not just bob in the water but

live?

i dont wanna just sit there and let the waves rock me around

a victim of the tides and the winds

i wanna be part of the current.

i wanna say we’re going this way.

i wanna say we’re not going that way.

beck didnt wanna whiteboy rap anymore so he didnt have to.

i have so much control over what i write and still

today every sentence was a struggle.

everything.

and i know what it was, i was trying to make it

you cant try and it wont make it.

its gonna be it no matter how much you futz with it.

i think it was shakespeare who said writing is like taking a dump, you can’t force it, you can’t will it

you just have to eat right, act right and marvel when it arrives fully formed and solid.

tennyson mighta said that, actually.

amber and i had our sixth anniversary from the first time we kissed today.

time flies when yr staring at the sun.

this column is probably why im not a columnist

There’s this thing going on today in LA Twitter asking people where are the most cursed places in LA.

Fuck that shit.

People are saying this intersection or that one. This Target Husk or that spot where Biggie got shot.

Fuck it all.

LA, like anything interesting and valuable, is complicated, deep, and at times just as beautiful as it is fugly.

The intersection that you don’t like because it doesn’t have a roundabout on it or a stop light or a street light, I fucking love for the exact same reasons.

I live in walking distance of Target Husk and for going on five years I have seen that half built structure tease me, the innocent child stuck in a custody case. Is it too big? Is the Home Depot of the same size next to it?

Q. Do we need 100 Targets?
A: DO WE NEED 1,000 STARBUCKS?

And now that it finally has been okayed to finish being built, I’m missing its unkempt, crappy plastic flapping in the wind. Soon it will just be another Target. Fuck that.

So many people move to LA and first thing they wanna do is bitch. OMG it’s so expensive. OMG people are so phony. OMG the traffic. OMG the parking. OMG OMG OMG.

You know what wasn’t expensive or phony or trafficky with plenty of parking? The fucking village you fled from the second you could.

LA is the beautiful model actress hooker waitress you continually whine about being high maintenance even though you broke up with your perfectly reasonable “love” when you climbed into your UHaul.

Yes there are fucked up intersections. Avoid them. Yes there are bad drivers. They’re called New Yorkers! And yes shit cost money here but look around, there’s more opportunity to make those ends here in LA than where you graduated high school, so suck it up or move back home like all the other quitters.

If LA was easy everyone would live here.

It’s only cursed on Twitter.

10 things i wrote in June for Los Angeleno


it’s funny. i dont think i write much. i dont think i write as well as i used to. i dont think theres any magic in my makeup. when i look in the mirror i dont see the man i thought i would be.

then something happens. then something gets popular. and i think i still got it.

which is ridiculous because who cares if the public responds? who cares if the right people at the right time click the retweet button? did that make what i wrote any better? shouldnt i just judge myself with my heart?

shouldnt i just say, i wouldnta published it if i didnt think it was good?

i have never cared about people’s approval. why start now? because im not 21 any more? because im not getting 100s of comments on shit anymore? trust me, in 2020 if youre getting 100s of comments on something it’s probably bad news.

last month i was in DEEP on the Rona beat. then i had to also do the BLM beat. it was a lot. it kept me from features and Q&As which is why this month i’ve been asked to lay off the roundups and focus more on original things.

this week imma write about baseball and swimming pools. but best laid plans… who knows i might meet the coolest Somebody and talk to them for an hour and write it all up and dole it all out. thats why i love Los Angeleno.

15 Epic Moments From LAPD’s Police Commission Zoom Meeting

 

Skip the Lines and Get Tested for COVID-19 at Home

 

discovered something weird

walked around hollywood today. my favorite town. freaky. dirty. dangerous.

home.

at the target in weho right before closing time

there was a parade of color and skin and wtf.

right now you gotta wear a mask if you go outside.

but this one guy had on the most intricate thing. two different chambers for filtered air.

and a face shield.

but one of his feet was broken? so that foot didnt have either a shoe

or a sock on it.

i was looking for sleeves for a three ring binder for

baseball cards.

so whos the actual freak?

i cant concentrate

the world is so crazy right now.

hello people in the future. this is tony in the past. hi.

today this guy resigned as editor of Vogue.com, not Vogue, the magazine, but Vogue the website.

one person i know who knows him liked him and i respect her but lemme tell you a little something

for maybe 25 years ive been putting things on the web. at the beginning we had to do it with HTML

but as things progressed they made little software programs to help make it easier to get what you wanted on the internet.

they call the software CMS (content management software). every company uses a different CMS for a variety of reasons: cost, control, or because they’re convinced that every other CMS sucks.

i look at CMSs the way I look at local bars: they’re all about the same and some have tiny charms but if you’re super into booze or super into people you’re gonna like any local bar.

in this example, if you’re super into getting cool shit up on the web, you’re gonna figure out whatever CMS is placed in front of you.

this fucker never learned any CMS and when you’re at a certain level you really dont have to.

you can have people print things out, you can take your red marker to it, and they’ll go fix it.

then you have a long lunch at a swanky restaurant and talk about things that have nothing to do with putting things onto the internet.

when you do end up having to talk about your web site you say a bunch of crap in a language that’s either loved or loathed and you float on like modest mouse.

i am never happy when someone loses their job because like most normal people i have experienced losing a job and it can be earth shattering. you cant relax because now youve gotta find a new job as fast as you can

but unfortunately life is all about trying to compete with people

or worse, working for people,

who do not know anything about CMSes.

theres many things i want to be,

but theres also things i DO NOT WANT TO END UP BEING.

i cant concentrate because the world is imploding

and as a midwestern boy i know that the most perfect place to be during a tornado

is in the center

zulieka has a child who scribbled on his wall

today we didnt leave the house.

i wanted to go but amber didnt.

we went to the park on saturday with her work friends and it was sweet.

really good people work over there.

it was a park in beverly hills that had tennis courts and a softball field, basketball courts, and lots of grass.

everyone was socially distancing, which was good.

two cops patrolled the people and for some reason were messing with the senior citizens.

kids were everywhere, happy to be out of the house. tons of dogs yapping. even saw three black women — one who arrived in a wheelchair.

in the back there is a playground that had some mushy material under it. spongey. magical. you stepped on it and it gave a little, which was freaky at first, but squishy. you could see a kid take a spill off the swings and be perfectly fine.

beverly hills.

today we watched church then the news. then coming to america.

i shoulda worked but it’s ten minutes to midnight and technically if i work in 10 minutes itll be monday

and i wont be breaking a commandment.

but still i feel like if its dark, it’s still today.

jurys still out i guess.

i heart you.

the never ending struggle between creativity and financial success

pure creativity takes many forms. not all of those are things prospective employers — or even current ones feel comfortable with.

we live in a time where everything is being analyzed and over analyzed to root out the racial insensitive garbage that should have been gone a long time ago.

but it’s also scooping out a lot of harmless humor that was never intended to be hurtful and now over time, under today’s context, it’s embarrassing.

for example comedians who sported blackface as satire are being criticized while actual racist political policies are somehow shielded. jimmy kimmel is getting heat for a comedy bit where he is pretending to be karl malone, but in kentucky last week they made 600k black people vote in One location (instead of hundreds) and everything is nbd.

sorry but voter suppression is a bd. a vbd.

jimble kimble in blackface *today* is cringeworthy, but as logic will tell us: consider the source.

which brings us to Eric Andre. who is hilarious. because he is outrageous. and his new special is fantastic but i think about his future. if he ever wanted to get a “real job” one day, and the HR manager saw this netflix show, it’d be over for him. he talks about smoking weed with his mom, how LSD is his favorite drug, and about the time he ate 4x as much molly as he should have.

it’s funny and regardless if it is true or not, it makes people laugh: which is the point of comedy.

comedy should also make us think and andre points out that this country was founded by Puritans and we are still pretty much stuck in that mindset. we get super freaked out with nudity, “foul” language gets bleeped on cable tv and radio, and yesterday we celebrated the 5th anniversary of same sex marriage. How is it that this country is almost 250 years old and gays and lesbians haven’t been viewed as equals for 245 of them? because shit’s fucked up.

and who better to shine the light on that disparity than the court jesters?

and the writers. and the artists. and the modern day opinion columnists, and the tiktokers and the athletes and the every day moms and dads who didnt grow up in a bubble, many of whom were educated in good schools

and know how to get on the mic and speak truth to power?

but we stifle critical thought unless it’s done in such a narrow, culturally appropriate NPR way.

which in of itself is fucked.

people should be allowed to speak their mind in the way that is effective regardless of style.

michaelangelo wanted to sculpt a giant nude teenage boy and back in the renaissance days italy was all, fuck yeah mike. then the pope was like, paint a shitload of naked bible people on the ceiling while youre at it.

how is it that we have not progressed in the land of the free and home of the brave? why is it that we dumb our shit down to appease the least evolved, least secure, most cowardly and insincere?

we know gay people getting married has zero to do with the sanctity of marriage. we know that diverse workplaces can do nothing but better our societies. we know that executive levels of one race and one sex is not just a bad look but less-than-ideal decisions will be made there.

but we keep on keeping on.

we punish the women who fight to be equal. we squelch creativity and humor and those who dare to push the envelope.

and yet we allow one bad policy after another to continue to live another day.

canada has it right about healthcare.

japan has it right about policing.

europe has it right about vacations for the workers.

and as problematic as the framers were in so many regards, like owning human beings, they were right about so many things that we shouldn’t immediately toss out what good things they brought to the table because of their shortsidednesses if thats even a word.

do i have the answer for everything? yes. jk. but together we do. if we really abide by the tenants of loving our neighbors and seeing the best in each other we can easily see what is good and bad and support the good. it’s not that hard.

comedy is not pretty but it’s vital. nazis are not vital. racism is not vital. love and creativity is essential.

and as we slouch forward to bethlehem, struggling to make cool shit despite the petty pace of the day to day, i invite each of you who reads this to ask
do i judge someones art based on puritan ideals of long ago, of frightened people who made no cool art, or am i here to encourage the magic of innovation and the glory of being the reflection of God.
warts and all.