yesterday, if you didn’t see it.

he raised several intelligent and thought-provoking points.

greg suggests that there could be no better place for tony pierce than on tonypierce.com

i totally disagree.

this blog is something that i get to do on the 15 minute breaks at work and the time that i find during halftime shows after work while watching basketball on my satellite dish.

i would love a good designer, a good editor, some contributors, photographers, illustrators, fact checkers for my ass, etc. etc.

sure, working at a paper would make me tone it down and i would be able to say fuck fuck fuck all day long, but to be honest, i don’t even want to say fuck fuck fuck all day long.

i want to write about los angeles.

what people don’t remember is that out of punk comes pop. janes addiction spawned lalapalooza. the red hot chili peppers spawned “under the bridge.” henry rollins spawned some thick necked dude i now see playing cops in movies.

i see ice-t on law and order, i see ice cube in barbershop, i see dr. dre formerly of nwa on trl.

why cant we see tony pierce every day on latimes.com?

i am dying to sell out.

except i would sell out like andy warhol did. the joke will be on you. not you you, but them you.

the joke will be, i cant believe that you paid a million bucks for a painting of a soup can or for a xerox of a photograph.

i want to be surrounded by great writers and artists and playing in the major leagues.

i love the history of writing and the rules and the structure, for without them what can you play off of?

i have so much to learn when it comes to writing and how to present a page and i think everyone agrees that this web page thing has yet to begin to rock.

why cant the la times lead the way?

must it always be ten paces behind the ny times?

maybe it must.

i agree with greg, there will be editors who will want to complain if i get too much freedom, or exposure, or money, or book deals. even in college i had an editor who was jealous. theres nothing you can do about that.

but any attention that i get will bring more traffic to latimes.com and more traffic means more ads and more ads means more money.

unfortunately mo money, mo problems.

i just want to learn to write better.

i want to be able to knock out a 40 inch sellout feature in a day. i cant do that right now. i have no clips. i don’t have shit.

all i have is this blog and this site which isn’t a reflection, necessarily, of me, but of what someone can do who knows very little about writing and even less about photoshop.

if the la times said, pierce, heres $40k, write obits for a year like royko did. i would do it. i love obits. they’re just features. they’re just profiles.

i love being timely. i love having the scoop on everyone.

that winona “exclusive” interview was posted seconds after the verdict.

there was only two things that coulda happened, guilty or not guilty. tell me which post to put up there and click the button and boom.

you. cannot. do. that. in. newsprint.

you also cant write and write and write and write and not sweat it.

all these pictures that i have on this blog could be ads. sell me out. the kids don’t care.

cobain sold out with nevermind and those who were yelling sellout were nothing compared to the kabillions who cheered and bought that record as the floodgates of grunge were parted and everything came pouring out.

the next revolution could be televised or bloggerized.

television has overhead, this shit doesn’t.

if the times wanted me to stop using certain words, fine. it’s their paper, not mine. im so unattached to what i write these days that if i get paid for it it’s not mine any more. you can do with it what you want. if you want to paint over your warhol soup can, go for it. if it turns out better, it’ll reflect more on me than on them so whatever. and if it makes me look dumb, whatever. i look dumb pretty easily on my own.

the only bad thing about the la times proposal that i didn’t mention when i wrote it is that i would stop the busblog.

i would want my “career” to be the center of my creative universe.

maybe i would write about stuff in this space that is either super personal, like friends’ birthdays, or poems or stuff that just wouldn’t work in the times, or maybe, if i had the time, i could use this space to give you some behind-the– but no, i’d probably just end it.

just like how im ending this post. quickly.

but before i do, greg requested a photo essay of Christian statuettes like the ones above.

as a Christian i’m a little shocked that figurines like these are being sold at places like catholicshopper.com, but religion doesn’t surprise me much any more.

i’m shocked because a lot of these pieces seem to poke fun at our idea of the Messiah, it doesn’t lift it up.

and some look downright pedo-erotic. no, thanks.

but the two that im showing here are okay, i suppose.

i’d rather not see Jesus in modern day themes with his old robes. to be honest i’d rather see a black Jesus, but that’s just me. but i don’t want to see him with his legs crossed smoking a cigarette and reading the newspaper.

i think the story of Jesus is plenty just as it is. most people really don’t understand much of what he said when he was saying it, myself included, so why throw him into mundane situations like this? would elvis fans buy statues of the king taking a dump while eating corn on the cob?

that’s what i see when i click on a picture of the Messiah driving the lane on two little white kids.

with that said, i will be looking around the web for more of these weird statuettes, if any of you know where i can find them, email me the urls.

yours in rock,

tony

sksmith

what’s up president of the united states of america?

my approval ratings, bay bee. ahahahahaha.

well congratulations, mr. president, it looks like your influence is what brought your party all the success it had in winning back the majority in congress.

thats what they tell me.

do you agree?

i agree with what i said, yes.

i hear you have a hit documentary on hbo.

thats what i hear too. i’m in it right?

yep, its called travels with george.

now see, thats a good title.

part of the documentary, mr. president is you suggesting that title.

get out.

i shit you not, mr. president.

please dont.

so how about this war on terrorism, huh.

see, you say things like that and i dont think youre being sincere.

im not being sincere.

this war is very serious. and i read your blog. i see you taking jabs at me. when was the last time we’ve been attacked by terrorists?

dc sniper?

he doesnt count.

why doesnt he count?

he was an american.

so does that mean you’re going to pardon john walker lindh?

mmmmmaybe.

i dont think you should.

why not?

you might come across as being soft of terrorism.

but if i hang him all those people who bitched about my record in texas– executing people and stuff– they’ll come back to life like zombies.

hang em.

he’s just a kid.

so is the kid partner of the dc sniper.

yeah but–

but john walker is white.

i didnt say that.

and his parents are rich.

youre putting words in my mouth.

george if i could put words in your mouth i would put way better ones in there.

i bet you would fuckball.

okay, well, yay usa. good luck getting help from the u.n. to help you blow iraq to hell.

thanks.

and good luck with the economy, you’re going to look like a gigantic ass if you cant get something right in the next two years with the congress, the supreme court and the executive branch on your side.

see, youre not being genuine again, are you?

that time i was. i want you to do well.

you do?

of course i do, mr. president. see, i am an american. i want america to do well. and i also know that the american voters, for the most part, have their heads up their asses and they dont care if the former administration did well, they’ll still vote for whoever they want.

you’ve lost me.

it’s cool. by the way, if you were so influencial, why couldnt you get rid of that political powerhouse Gray Davis?

you know how many texan republicans made a fortune off Gray Davis?

touche.

hey how many books have you sold so far?

30 books.

not bad.

only four more days to get it at the discounted rate.

i’m thinking about getting a few for my daughters, they love your stuff.

find bin laden and i’ll give you a few free.

okay, now that’s a deal.

truth laid bear

hi handsome.

nice belly.

nice pants.

wanna go out tonight?

k.

where do you wanna go?

anywhere you are.

will you let me kiss you.

depends.

depends on what?

depends if you let me kiss you back.

wanna have italian?

are you italian?

will you kiss me if i have garlic bread?

only if you swallow it first.

say that again.

say what, oh… swallow.

thank you.

do you love me?

do you love me?

let me think about it.

now do you love me?

okay, yes.

i have an idea then, lets just order chinese and watch survivor.

okay i really love you now.

great.

k bye.

byeeeee.

now is the time for pants

cuz im still sick, and i gotta get in the right mood for a really important xbi softball game that’s going on tonight, and cuz im a little dizzy from the pills the nurse gave me after lunch, and cuz no one has bought a book from me in a good 3 hours, despite matt and greg‘s nice links.

and cuz ashley is mad at me for putting up karisa‘s picture and writing “why would a girl like karisa want me”. ashley called me up and said, “what, am i an ugly skank cuz i do want you?”

no, ashley, you’re not an ugly skank.

once there was a boy.

he wasn’t the brightest boy at school.

one day the people from the standardized test place came to his school and put a test in front of all the kids. the boy took the test along with all the others and he scored a ridiculously high score.

his mom said, oh there must be something wrong with your test for my son gets lousy grades in school.

the woman from the school said, “well what does he do when he comes home?”

the mother said, he sits in his room watching television and putting moustaches on the women in my cosmopolitans.

the woman asked, is that all he does?

the mother said, no, he also plays baseball in the street, and he shoots at doves in the forest preserve, and he listens to devil music, and he spends hours playing nerf basketball while talking to himself, and he fights crime for fun.

the woman shook her head slowly, writing it all down. and then she said, what sort of books does he read?

the boy’s mother said, magazines, not books. he reads spin, entertainment weekly, sports illustrated, playboy.

the woman said playboy?

the mother said, yes, he really does read it. he reads all of it. the interviews, the stereo reviews, the pigskin previews, the comics, the fiction by famous authors.

the woman said, but what about the nude women?

the mother said, he’s a Christian, we believe that there’s nothing wrong with God’d creation. and there isn’t by the way.

the woman said, well he got nearly all the questions correct. we think he may have cheated. we were wondering if you objected if we asked him to take the test again.

the mother didn’t object so the son took the test again, this time in the principal’s waiting room. same test.

this time he got all the questions correct.

the boy’s mother got a phone call telling her that her son was a genius.

she told the woman to hold on.

“hey son.”

“yeah ma.”

“woman here says you’re a genius.”

“hang up on her, she’s probably trying to sell you something.”

the mother got back on the phone, “are you trying to sell something?”

the woman said, “well, no, but i was about to suggest that you send him to a little bit better school than–“

click.

the mother went to the boy’s room and leaned on the bookshelf filled with baseball cards, star wars stickers, magazines, boy scout things and said, “do you think that woman might be right? do you think you’re, you know, gifted?”

the boy was laying on his belly playing adventure on his sister’s atari 2600.

he said, smart kids wear glasses. i aint smart.

the little square on the screen was touched by a duck. the boy yelled something that rhymed with duck.

the mother said, tony!

then she said, explain that test you took.

he said, standardized tests can be beat just like this video game. the hard part is asking cheerleaders to be your girlfriend.

and the moon set behind the evergreens in the tree forest, and a light snow continued to fall on the illinois plains, and a lamp with chicago cubs stickers on it finally turned off after someone read the articles of a mens magazine and looked very closely at the pictures to see if he could discover any clues to the puzzle.

doc searls

Dear Tony,

Why don’t you throw down more pictures of Karisa and some of the other babeages that you kick it with??? Does Ashley get jealous or somethin’? And hey, where’s her blog?

BR

dear br,

karisa is pretty camera shy. the only time she really approves of pictures are when she’s drunk off her ass, or laughing her ass off.

ashley doesnt get jealous. she knows i have a lot of friends and karisa is just one of them. a special one, but look at her, you think a girl like karisa is going to find any interest in a fool like me?

ashley doesn’t have a blog, she has an open diary. and shes too hot and too young to be interested in me. read her, you’ll see.

Tony,

If I were, say, a poor high school senior without a credit card and wanted to buy a book, how would *that happen…

Dylan M.

dylan,

i know you high school kids can get your hands on a credit card. you kids can do anything. thats why i love you all so.

how many non-high school bloggers, adults, if you will, write as much about teen blogs in complimentary ways like i do? how about none. how many of them write about cam girls in serious ways. zip. your generation can do whatever it wants. im sure you can figure out how to get this silly little book.

im also sure your mom would be happy to flow you the digits for a book of fine literature like what we’re talking about here.

but if you really really really can’t. send me an email and i’ll give you a po box that you can mail a check to.

Dudesickle,

How many books you sell so far?

Irv

hi irv,

not that it’s anyone’s business, but we’ve hit 25 preorders sold. i think that’s pretty cool.

TONY,

HOW DO U DO IT?

WILL U LINK MY SHITZIT? ITZ DA BOMBASTICK.

PB

dear pb,

generally i only link sites that i like.

i like my readers and i dont want to send them somewhere horrible.

heres some ways that you can get linked though. put my link at the top of your list. have something interesting to say. put up a picture that no one else has.

it also helps if you kiss my ass or rave about Tsar.

Yo T-Dawg,

What’s your feeling about my busblog title? What titles are on your short list?

CM

dear cm,

so far i like, in no order of preference

1. Blook

2. hi blog, hi tony

3. I Shoulda Gone To Prague

4. Nude Descending A Staircase

5. I wrote this book by accident

6. smoke break

7. Dude, Where’s my Blog

keep the titles coming.

Bro,

Did you see what Soundbitten wrote about you today?

Just checkin in.

Mc P

mc p,

i sure did. i love it.

as in LOVE.

soundbitten

this sucks. fuck, man, that was a bitch.

winona, we saw you walking around that store in an overcoat with hands full of clothes.

i was shopping. duh. i had already paid $3,675 for some other junk earlier that day there.

you were in “girl, interrupted” a movie about a girl who, among other things said that she liked to steal just to see if she could get away with it.

was there a question in that?

yes, are you a girl who likes to see if she can steal just to get away with it?

no, that was a movie i did years ago. i produced it. i starred in it. angelina won an oscar off it. in my mind that was a totally successful project. it baffles me that people might think that i am still trying to live through that character. it’s ridiculous, actually.

what do you think of the security guard who arrested you?

that security guard was insane. she got caught trying to selling her story to the tabloids and she got caught of stealing my celebrity friend’s phone numbers from my address book after she took my purse!

friends like who?

keanu reeves, bono, marc brown.

how did Peter Guber get on the jury?

Peter Guber?

yeah, the former head of Sony Pictures, the guy who helped produced “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” and “Age of Innocence,” films you starred in and made him a bunch of money?

Age of Innocence only made $32 million, sort of a faliure when you think that Daniel Day-Lewis, Michelle Pfeiffer, and I were the big names.

Whatever, Dracula made $100 million, you starred in it, Gruber made money off it. What the hell was he doing on your jury?

Hey, i’m entitled to a jury of my peers, aren’t I?

But no one thought he was going to put you in jail..

Just cuz Mr. Guber is a studio chief doesn’t make him a dishonest man. But I will hate him forever, of course.

is it true that you wrote a confession statement in the detention room at Saks and it was not allowed into evidence by the judge because you hadn’t been made aware of your rights?

i woulda signed anything at that point. you know how hot it gets in overcoats in a store? i just wanted to go home. it woulda been my first crime, i would have to pay a fine and do some community service.

so you did it?

i didn’t do it.

so why confess?

why not?

cuz then people would think you’re a weirdo thief.

people already think im a weirdo.

i don’t.

nobody thinks like you tony, you don’t count.

hmmm, is that a good thing?

it’s a very good thing.

so what are you going to do now?

i’m going to appeal, go to disneyland and i’m gonna pre-order your book.

how about this idea that you might go to jail?

lots of cool people have been to jail: Jesus, tim allen, martin luther king jr., my godfather timothy leary, jim morrison, james brown, pete rose, mike tyson, st. paul.

do you think it will be cool in prison? surely you dont.

i’ll make it fun.

thanks for this exclusive interview, winona.

anytime, sweetie.

appellate blog

that’s mr. crazy turban sikh guy to you, tony. i hear you’re under the weather.

yeah, i dont know what it is. its fucked up though.

take the day off.

im out of sick days.

here in india, you get as many sick days as you want.

wow.

no, not really, i just wanted to cheer you up.

uh, okay.

hey i want one of your books. am i one of the first twenty?

you can have a book, but no, we’re at 21 now.

arrggg. well, that’s okay. it’s still just $10 + shipping right?

yep. but only five more days at that price though.

thats a great price. how do you do it?

the presale books are just to reward the people for buying it early. i pretty much lose money off of those. i like good deals in real life, so here’s a chance that i can offer a good deal. plus it gets the book out there and once it’s out there i think people will like it and maybe buy more later.

hey, you still seeing ashley?

yep, saw her last night.

you’re seeing a lot of her, huh?

she was up here to volunteer at cedar-sinai hospital. then she came over. then she found out that Charlie’s Angels 2 was filming at hollywood and highland, so she kissed my overheated forehead and drove over there to wave at Drew, and they spotted her and made her an extra.

that happened to me when they filmed Empire Strikes Back here.

really?

no.

you have an interesting sense of humor, sikh dude.

why, thank you.

okay, im gonna get back to saving the world now.

hey, did they legalize weed in nevada yesterday?

nope.

i heard the repubs kicked ass last night.

i’d rather not talk about this right now, fella.

was there any good news for liberals in the elections yesterday?

yeah, in illinois they voted in the first democrat gov’nor in 25 years.

nice job.

yeah, he looks like a dope though.

more dopey than most politicians?

hmmm, guess not.

okay have a great day, tony, my american friend.

right back at you, crazy– i mean mr. crazy sikh hat guy.

caio!

mcblogger

hi tony, hows it going?

shitty.

republicans got you down?

ever heard of a train, man on the moon?

a choo choo train?

no, a gangbang. when one guy after another has sex with a girl. they call it a train.

oh yeah. a train. i mean, huh?

i feel like i got caught up in a train today.

im sorry, tony. why dont you talk about it, sometimes it helps.

nah.

go ahead. i’m all ears.

nah.

seriously, it would be my pleasure to help you. you’re always there for us.

bitching about stuff is for bitches.

as an astronaut i can tell you, the planets are all f’ed up. dont take it personally.

got outta work late tonight, walked a mile to the busstop, realized i left my wallet at the office, walked back. turned out it was in the garbage can.

what the hell was it doing there?

who knows?

tony, can i ask you a serious question?

sure, moon man.

are you on drugs?

thats the sad thing. im not. i got pretty drunk last week, but not room-spinning drunk.

no pot, no acid, no coke?

i told you, on halloween those wizards offered me some weed and i said no, ask moxie she was there. i said no.

hugs not drugs?

hugs not drugs.

well tony, shit, you read the bible. you know the story of job.

i aint job.

well, duh, but that doesnt mean that sometimes the good Lord doesnt let the devil at you for an hour or two.

but a whole day?

sure, why not. maybe two days sometimes.

fuck.

yep.

so im supposed to just take it.

uh huh.

and hope it gets better in the morn?

it probably will.

and what if it doesnt?

then suck it up. be a man. what do you want, a shoulder to cry on?

no.

good, now shape up. the kids look up to you.

dumbasses.

shhhh.

okay, thanks astronaut guy.

youre welcome tony. get some sleep.

k, night.

jack bogdanski

(Diamond, Horovitz, Yauch)

And on the cool check in

Center stage on the mic

And we’re puttin’ it on wax

It’s the new style

Four and three and two and one (What up!)

And when I’m on the mic – the suckers run (Word!)

Down with Adrock and Mike D. and you ain’t

And I got more juice than Picasso got paint

Got rhymes that are rough and rhymes that are slick

I’m not surprised you’re on my dick

B-E-A-S-T-I-E, what up Mike D.

Ah yeah, that’s me

I got franks and pork and beans

Always bust the new routines

I get it – I got it, I know it’s good

The rhymes I write – you wish you would

I’m never in training – my voice is not straining

People always biting and I’m sick of complaining

So I went into the locker room during classes

Bust into your locker and I smashed your glasses

You’re from Secausus – I’m from Manhattan

You’re jealous of me because your girlfriend is cattin’

There it is – kick it!!!

Father to many – married to none

And in case you’re unaware I carry a gun

Stepped into the party – the place was over packed

Saw the kid that dissed my homey and shot him in the back

I had to get a beeper ’cause my phone is tapped

You better keep your mouth shut ’cause I’m fully strapped

I got money in the bank – I can still get high

That’s why your girlfriend thinks that I’m so fly

I’ve got money and juice – twin sisters in my bed

Their father had envy so I shot him in the head

If I played guitar I’d be Jimmy Page

The girlie’s I like are underage (Check it!)

Girls with boyfriends are the kind I like

I’ll steal your honey like I stole your bike

Your father – he’s jealous ’cause I’m making that green

I’ve got the girlie’s numbers from the places I been

that is…

You wanna know why – because I’m

October 31st – that is my date of birth

I got to the party and I did the Smurf

Taxing all females from coast to coast

And when I get my fill I’m chilly most

We rag-tag girlies back at the hotel

And then we all switch places when I ring the bell

I chill at White Castle ’cause it’s the best

But I’m fly at Fat Burger when I’m way out west

K-I-N-G-A-D whammy

All the fly ladies are on my jammy

Went to the prom – wore the fly blue rental

Got six girlies in my Lincoln Continental

Met this girl at the party and she started to flirt

I told her some rhymes and she pulled up her skirt

Spent some bank – I got a high powered jumbo

Rolled up a wooly and I watched Colombo

Let me clear my throat – Kick it over here baby pop

And let all the fly skimmies, feel the beat…drop

Coolin’ on the corner on a hot summer day

Just me, my posse and M.C.A.

A lot of beer – a lot of girls – and a lot of cursing

Twenty-two automatic on my person

Got my hand in my pocket and my finger’s on the trigger

My posse’s gettin’ big – and my posse’s gettin’ bigger

Some voices got treble – some voices got bass

We got the kind of voices that are in your face

Like the bun to the burger – like the burger to the bun

Like the cherry to the apple – to the peach to the plum

I’m the king of the Ave. – and I’m the king of the block

I’m M.C.A. – and I’m the King Adrock

I’m Mike D. – I got all the fly juice

On the checkin’ at the party on the forty deuce

Walking down the block with the fresh fly threads

Beastie Boys fly the biggest heads