hi tony, please save me.

poochie, the stars were out last night did you see them?

any time i saw a light i pissed on my tail scared that it was a train. they come so close.

the stars were bright last night, cleansed by the rains that removed all the gunk of the stratosphere, blow dried by the santa anas, polished with the truth of the season, no longer disguised by the resin of halloween, twinkling where they belonged, where they should be, reliable as if they were anchored in their places. places everyone places. its not da plane, it’s the stars.

please untie me from this track tony. im hungry.

not until we have 60 pre-orders, puppy.

woof those pre-orders.

you lick your balls with that mouth, fluffy? we only have nine more to sell to get to sixty.

51 people have bought books? thats incredible.

i think 43 people bought books, a few people bought more than one so they can take advantage of the low price and give them as gifts.

please save me, tony.

a deal is a deal doggie. like the good stars i will always be there for you.

what if im bad?

are you a bad doggie?

no.

then you have nothing to be worried about. stars are never bad. theyre there for you every night through thick and thin. you can pray on them, you can wish on them. they dont need the cover of darkness to shine, indeed they love the night which is much different than darkness. they dont hide, they glitter.

im going to die, arent i tony.

we’re all going to die. but its how you go out.

i dont want to die like a dog.

then dont. live.

i saw the stars last night, tony. i saw how a few of them together made something bigger.

did you see how some made two big dips?

please untie me. i’ll be your best friend.

this is the last day to get the busblog book at the low low price of $10 + s/h, we have a deal my little one. what would i be if i backed out of a deal?

a welch.

who taught you that? thats not nice. bad doggie! matt is our friend.

a friend tied me to these tracks. left me to die. left me to get hit by a train. only wanted me around when there was nothing else to do, but whenever there was excitement around, ignored me. dissed me. turned their back on me while hiding their shame.

every dog has its day.

dumbmonkey

and both have been robbed by the patriots in the last year.

i know i better watch my mouth because for some odd reason i have a lot of readers from the Massachusetts area. a lot as in a lot. like i might have more red sox, celtics, pats fans reading my page than any other non-californian group combined.

with that said, i hope that if they watched yesterday’s spectacular comeback, they can understand why i hope tom brady slips in the shower or gets a hold of a bad can of beans.

karisa’s favorite number is twelve and im sure she thinks brady is wicked cute.

what i think would be cute is if he got run over by a snowplow.

i swear.

last year, as we all know, my adopted team, my second team, the raiders, were this close to returning to glory in the super bowl. the silver and black were back.

but no, the refs in the skyboxes looked at the replay and ruled that the collapsing little brady was somehow throwing a pass instead of fumbling under the might of the raidahs. and instead of it being first and ten for oakland, it was a second life for the patriots.

the rest is history as brady and that freak vinatieri combined for one of the most classic comebacks in playoff history.

less emotional types would have been able to look at that game for the beauty that it was, a spectacular battle of wills in the ankle high snowy tundra as a nor’easter blew and the football gods worked their magic. but im completely emotional when it comes to football. in a freaky scary way. ive had amazing sex in my day and barely made a sound. but ten seconds into a football game and im cursing like a sailor and praying to the lord and throwing pretzels at the screen in disgust.

even though i was perched in front of my 35″ mitsubishi for that game last december, i also had the vcr taping it so i could soak it all in throughout the week and during off season. who doesnt love to watch football in the snow?

that tape was erased this summer because even when i saw the label i cringed and kicked the wall and yelled “it was a fumble!” because of course it was a fumble. of course it was. of course it was.

so my real team, the hapless bears played the pats yesterday in the college town of champagne urbana where most of my high school friends went to college.

the patriots this year have had their ups and downs but they are the defending champs and definitely a team to be nervous about when they come to your town.

the bears on the other hand are the bears of old. shitty. lucky on occasion. just enough brilliance to get your hopes up only to dash them when you start to believe.

the bears were kicking ass yesterday, people. and im sorry to talk sports with you today, something i try to avoid because i know how learned you are and so above the petty pace of the national football league, but ive got to get this out.

anthony thomas, the a train, was making the patriots defense look retarded, the hobbled bears quarterback jim miller started to look less like a crane operator and more like a real nfl quarterback. the bears defense was on fire led by the ghost of dick butkus, middle linebacker brian urlacher.

and even though the patiots who were down by 21 points in the third quarter seemed to be coming back there was just no way that they were going to be able to score three touchdowns in the final quarter.

until of course they did.

and if you weren’t watching you missed out because once again the patriots were blessed by the soothing kiss of instant replay. once again from a replay official up in the sky who didn’t even need to be summoned because the play in question happened within the last two minutes of the game.

americas sweetheart tom brady threw a pass that didn’t even go two feet before bears lineman bryan robinson apparently intercepted it with under a minute to play and the bears up by four.

but after further review…

so the pats had a second chance. a chance they didn’t deserve. after last year they shouldn’t even be allowed to benefit any more from instant replay without having to sacrifice their first born male children, but life isn’t fair and neither was the drive they put together capped by one of the finest twenty yard touch passes and graceful catches that you’ll ever get your heart broken over.

it was over.

tom brady had done it again.

drew who? the new englanders continue to ask themselves and boo hoo weep the bears fans.

this one didn’t hurt me as much cuz ive seen it all before. in the nightmares that i have.

some mornings i find that i have inadvertently left the front door unlocked but it doesn’t worry me. there has been a thief that has stolen my dreams in the night and he wears number twelve.

bush is the president, weed still isn’t legal, they don’t show titties on tv, and tom brady continues to snatch illicit victory at the hands of my heroes.

my mother who is a bigger bears fan than i normally calls me after each game.

she didn’t call last night.

im sure she threw her phone through her big screen.

or hung herself.

or worse.

me, i dug through old boxes of yesteryear. memories that normally haunt me stained with dust that makes me sneeze but nothing could be worse than that i had to watch last night.

this time i didn’t have to erase the tape because now i know better. some one upstairs likes me.

but they like tom brady a ton more.

next sunday the raiders return to new england and i can only hope that brady used all his magic yesterday evening, but im not going to bet against him.

boston globe sports blog

hi tony, american superhero. wont you please help me?

no can do, little pup, i gotta sell 20 more busblog books before i can really concentrate on anything else.

wow, thats ashame, how many have you sold so far?

44.

so once you sell 20 more will you shut the hell up about this book and untie me from this rail?

yes, little puppy, yes i will. i’ll shut up and i’ll stop hawking it like a mad man.

i see doc searls wrote in his blog that he’s gonna buy one.

yeah, funny thing about that, doomed doggie, even when the likes of instapundit and the buzz machine and doc and welch get behind it, their readers come over and look around but they don’t buy. only my regular readers are the ones buying. maybe one or two who dont know me go for it, but… hey whats that sound

it’s a train coming.

how many lives are you up to, poochie?

lives? dogs only have one life. youre thinking about cats.

why do cats get 7 lives?

cats get 9 lives, college grad, and i dont know why. seems pretty unfair.

is that rope long?

kinda but it’s tangled.

okay my little pal, i’ll see if i get 20 sold today and if i do i’ll untie you.

thanks tone. today is the last day to get it at the discounted rate, right?

well, its supposed to be, but since it’s veterans day i figured i’d extend it till tuesday just to make sure anyone who had today off would be able to grab it tomorrow before the price went up.

youre so kind.

yep. thats me.

see you later lil fella.

hope so!

layne is back from his bender

looking for the classic “the day charles bukowski met ernest hemingway” i found everything i have ever written except for the desired short story.

one of the best things that i came across was a series of correspondences that i had with the coolest girl ive never met, which, fortunately i printed out and never lost.

am i sentimental? intensely. is it possible to fall in love through email? with her it was.

a while ago she popped an email in my box. we wrote a tad and she says she lurks my site. so thats nice. hi. i asked her if i could run some of the emails that we wrote some 8 1/2 yrs ago and she said sure.

subj: his circle and hers meet

94-05-27 16:36:11 EDT

from: jenny677

to: gauchotony

if i didn’t think, i’d be much happier. if i didn’t have any sex organs, i woudn’t be on the verge of nervous emotion and tears all the time.

and with that i say hello. i am very pleased to hear that you have regained consciousness my deer boy because life is but a trist. so when we run away, i’ll bring bel canto, the sisters of mercy, concrete blonde and smashing pumpkins. you ffigure out the rest. i feel very ugly today. must be from zei, you know, residualness. i never had long hair my sweet insipid wonder. i did last summer, but no more. i dig my bangs and i am so white that in high school there was a rumour that i had the pigment sucked out of my skin via hypedermic needle style to be more gothic. really its in my dna. if you kissed me would you touch my face? so you want to know everything? excerpt, the journal of miss jenni, july 23 1992: when will my confusion stop. it wats me up. how is it possible that i became so lost. if i was disfigured, id know. im still very religious on my own terms ; wait for it. and why do i continually allow myself to be taken in by those who are much too experienced and worldly. and i am also so large. so manipulative. so coy. what a funny game i play you got to me and i never even loved you. you don’t remember i won’t let you forget. how could i bleed when there were no cuts.

ta da. i am melodramatic and special. i cry for kali poulton the little girl abducted. i cry for those for in spite of their vision can’t see where what they feel may take them. i am so lucky. i have it all. brains, money, wit, charm, compassion, friends, power and yet i feel very empty somedays. if it is a boy that creates my void i may have to wither up. last night my hormones fucking raged at zei. i wanted it. no one was there, mentally. i think id rather have a persons mind than their physical being. i want to trap boys under glasses and pick at their brains until they cry. i also want to run away and get married and have lots of children and fix the human race. but right now i just want to exercise my right to abuse boys. this boy has talked to me for two weeks now and i know hes lame and gay. i try and play, but hes like, duh cat. sucks. did you dump the shit lovely? did i tell you i think about you more than i probably should? well now you know. yo slick. blow.

take care. of me.

jennifer louise elizabeth marie

yfuml

when i’m not beating everyone’s ass on the links, or hanging out with my swedish girlfriend, or lighting cigars made of $20 bills with $100 bills, i surf the web.

theres lots of web sites i like to visit. theres welch and moxie and reverse cowgirl and doc searls and my bro the vodkapundit. i like to read layne too but he seems to be on an extended drunken vacation or writing in invisible ink.

but probably my favorie “blog” is that of tony pierce.

he calls it the busblog.

he calls it that because he has been riding the bus and subways in LA to go to work for the last year and a half now and he sees how pathetic and funny it is.

at least i think he does.

anyway, right now he is in the process of putting together a book of the best posts from his first year as a blogger.

you might know tony from his well-received photo esays or his famous interviews with inanimate objects and celebrities who he hasnt really met.

none of the photo essays will be in the book, but there will be xbi stories, searing poetry, unreleased photographs, and like i said, classic posts from the past including tales of his life as a single man in los angeles and his adventures with many of the hotties therein. (like ashley).

this is your chance to catch up and get the scoop at the backstory about the daisy princess, the lust affair with anna kournikova, and all the secrets of the xbi. where else are you gonna find that?

if you order now, you will get the soon-to-be titled book for an insanely low $10 + s/h. after tuesday the book will go for a more reasonable $19 + s/h so the way i figure it now is the time to buy.

being a celebrity, i like to keep the privacies of other stars sacred. but since the blogfather of southern fried rock Glenn Reynolds has recently admitted to purchasing the book, as has entertainment weekly creator jeff jarvis, and so has prognosis co-founder and reason contributor matt welch. in fact in little under a week 40 books have been preordered including two from newly engaged aj by azarok bought two.

so what are you waiting for? join in on the fun, america.

you too, canada.

heck everyone in the world, i invite you to take part in this historic event. the first known greatest hits of blog posts in one easy-to-carry book.

you’ll be glad you did.

but most importantly tony’s mom will be glad you did.

64.247.33.250

hi, it’s me tony. again.

well, you haven’t written me or hired me or written about hiring me and i guess im not surprised. i mean how many people get jobs after asking for them through their blogs?

and you don’t know me and i don’t capitalize my letters and my favorite subject is me so i guess i wouldn’t make a very good columnist for you.

i understand.

beato was right, the best forum for tony pierce probably is tonypierce.com

so how was your friday night?

mine sucked.

i don’t know what it is, times, but me and ashley just don’t seem to be hitting it off anymore.

she picked me up at work at 5 and right away we got in a little fight.

i wont get into the details but anne was in the backseat and it reminded me of one of those quiet little steamy fights where the parents are in the front seat trying to keep their voices low and the kids are in the back trying to ignore it all while looking out the window or tracing the outlines of shadows on the seats but the mom has turned down the radio and theres nothing else to pay attention to.

it was a stupid fight and i still have a little cold and i kept telling her that i didn’t want to be upset it was friday whoo hoo and i just wanted to get some food and watch kobe versus mj and eat thai food.

where did you eat last night?

first we went over to hollywood and highland to see if charlies angels two was filming but it wasn’t on account of the rain, so we drove east down hollywood until we got to the palms thai and i ordered tom kha gai, which i like to call some young guy but ashley doesn’t like it when i “try” to be funny so she didn’t laugh. anne did, but stifled it pretty well. then we drove over to the rite aid to get some benedryl. the girls waited in the car so i also picked up some gum for them, i saw that the m&ms were on sale, and i also got a generic duraflame log for the fireplace.

when we got home they dropped me off and the girls cruised sunset to poquito mas while i ate my soup and shrimp fried lice in front of my tv, watching jordan and stackhouse take it to the shaqless lakers 100-99. pretty cool game. its so good to see mj still be able to bring it. the girls came back home and ashley said she was going to drop off anne out in west covina. that was at like ten and now its like 2:30am and she’s still not back.

why would she forsake me?

i called her at 2am and she said, “oh i thought you said you were going to fall asleep?”

i said, “that doesn’t mean you couldnta come home and woken me up, wink wink.”

and she said, “oh, i didn’t think thats what you meant.”

i said, “well i didn’t think that when you said ‘im gonna drop off annie’ meant that you were gonna stay there all night.”

do you ever have problems with young girls like this?

sometimes i just don’t know, la times. i mean really.

i like anne a lot. whats not to like? so nice. so sweet. but ashleys been here since thursday and i haven’t been able to spend any time alone with her. why would she want to spend more and more time not with me? does she just want me for my gorgeous bod and my money? she doesn’t laugh at my jokes any more. she doesn’t do it with me three times a day any more. we don’t instant message or email each other. it seems like all we do most the time is fight. yet she wont let me break up.

i do want a girlfriend. i do want someone who will drop off their good friend and want to come back to me before midnight and wake me up with soft kisses and start the fire going in the fireplace as the rain drops on the wooden roof and the cars splash by in the night.

and i also want a job. some place where i can be creative and part of a team and worthwhile and appreciated. a place where i can be relied upon and not in a 9 to 5 way but a magical way like, shit tony with the election over and the rain coming down we sure could use some glimpse of warmth in these cold pages, write something dreamy and romantic and poetic and smooth.

im a hundred and nine years old, la times. you know how that is. we want to feel useful and needed and more than just a mundane part of someone’s life, we want to be a special part of someones day. don’t we? i do.

two forty four am. here i am alone. not sleepy any more after passing out on the couch while the fire crackled and hbo kicked my ass and the tom kha gai’s spiciness zinged me in the right way.

am i really too out there for you? how could that be? eminem, a white rapper who yells fag every other line and sings songs about killing his wife while their daughter is in the back seat, is going to be number one in the country in album sales and movie grosses this weekend.

am i really more outrageous than him?

speaking of grosses, wasn’t jackass the movie number one just a few weeks back?

i thought we were through the looking glass, people, where black is white and white is black.

the angels won the world series.

halle and denzel won oscars.

the world trade center got knocked down by evil on national tv.

are you saying theres really no place other than here for me?

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment,

You own it,

You better never let it go.

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo

moxie

regarding all of the drama going on in the comments section below.

the post in question featured a picture of my drinking buddy karisa in her halloween costume with her work buddy liz, who i believe was also in her halloween costume (i have learned never to assume these sorts of things).

some guy named marc innocently asked in the comments section

“who’s the girl that’s not karisa: yum!”

to which i snidely replied sarcastically

“marc,

that girl is the ugliest girl in hollywood.

yep.”

then the mysterious G chimed in with

“I assume your response, (tony,) is an inside joke, cause I don’t get it. Marc said she’s good looking: ‘yum’.”

to which liz wrote back under the pseudonym of Ugly Girl

“Hi Tony,

Bite me.

I was going to write you something nice since I’ve heard so many great things about you…but you can blow it out your crusty rear.

Marc and G, thanks so much! “

which prompted my response last night before bedtime of

“dear ugly girl,

i was just being sarcastic.

duh.

everyone knows karisa’s the ugliest girl in hollywood.

🙂

luv, tony”

funny? ha ha? right. misunderstandment? no. this morning karisa sends me an email from overseas telling me that Liz is still pissed and i should write her and tell her that i was seriously kidding, which i was.

so here, concerned readers, is what i wrote the luscious liz. watch your hero grovel.

to: liz@clickmodeling.com

from: dumbass@tonypierce.com

subject: a thousand pardons

liz,

the rumors of my genius are highly exaggerated.

people say im such a good writer but they’re all drunkards. they say im

funny, but what do they know.

surely i thought that you would never read my web page (why would you?)

and everyone would know that if i called an obviously gorgeous woman “the

ugliest girl in hollywood” either they would think that i was being

predictably sarcastic, or they’d believe the myth that every girl in la is

at least as beautiful as you.

karisa will tell you that in an average day i will tell hundreds of jokes

and dozens will be funny.

im sorry my little comment hit you the wrong way.

perhaps you will allow me to take you and karisa out for expensive drinks at

the cheesecake factory of your choice.

humbly yours.

tony

hours passed and still no email from karisa’s co-worker. i felt super bad because i have heard great things about her and yet never had the opportunity to meet her. and you know how things are with girls, piss off their friends, and you piss them off too. so not only had i blown it with liz, but my friendship with karisa was teetering as well. yikes.

then, like dream, that tiny beige envelope appeared in the bottom right corner of my flat screen monitor.

it was liz. innocent liz. damaged by my buffoonery. would she accept my apology or would she lay into me like a trucker who had been cut off?

witness:

from: liz@clickmodeling.com

to: dumbshit@tonypierce.com

subject: Re: a thousand pardons

you are such a dork

without even meeting you, i know this.

i DO have a sense of humor(really, I do!!!) but when you’re scaring off

possible Liz “admirers”, it makes me screamin’ mad!

yes, let’s go and get some cutsie-pootsie drinks when KiKi comes back as

I have heard so much about you and always ask why you don’t come out also.

The ugliest but much humored girl in Hollyweird

so there you have it, cub fans. the drama has ended and you can all go in peace.

what have we learned from this?

sarcasm on strangers falls on deaf ears?

tony really is the hermit loser that he pretends not to be and should have had drinks with these fine lovelies and avoided all of this?

no, what i learned is karisa is telling all the hotties in la that im a dork.

damn you, mass girl, i will get my revenge and tell all your secrets.

p.s. thats not really liz’s email address therefore all the liz admirers should leave comments here.

p.p.s. admirers of tony can leave their comments here too.

fimoculous

nd who doesn’t love parker posey?

what will you do today to celebrate?

ashley, the daisy princess, last night drove her friend anne up to hollywood to be extras in charlie’s angels two starring their idol, miss drew barrymore. the girls arrived at 4pm and spent most of the evening in the cold rain giddy with excitement despite clearly seeing in the call sheet that the former mrs. tom green wasn’t scheduled to appear.

no matter, they ran up to hot shot director McG bearing gifts for drew and McG told them how excited drew would be to get their handmade necklace and hallmark card, and despite captaining the multimillion dollar picture introduced himself and posed for pictures with the young girls who were blown away by his “sweetness”.

anne was celebrating her 18th birthday and still had a permasmile at midnight when i ordered a veggie pizza for the ladies who dried themselves by my fireplace.

half hour later they were back out in the rain, not to work, but to watch. i wanted to warn them that they’d catch a cold or they’d wake up all achy and drowsy in the morning but sometimes youth isn’t at all wasted on the young, sometimes it’s the fuel and when ashley crawled under my electric blanket at 4am with wet hair and cold skin i could hear the fire still crackling in the front room interspersed with snores.

shes asleep ashley told me and nibbled at me.

and i thought

then i thought

and then i thought

then she said what are you thinking about?

and i said im trying to think if thirty three books have been sold so far or thirty four?

she said don’t you want to be thinking of something else.

i said but it’s technically friday and that means that there are only three days left for the discounted rate.

she said are you fucking kidding me.

and she ripped open her corset colored with the twinkling christmas lights circling the bedroom

and not everything is wasted on the young and at four oh four that blonde girl’s ass wasn’t so cold any more.

utter wonder

Seems I’ve often heard that kind of talk before

It never rains in California,

but girl don’t they warn ya

It pours,

man, it pours

two inches of rain in los angeles is like thirty inches of snow in maui, everyone freaks out, no one knows what to do, so they do what they normally do, drive fast while talking on their cell phones crashing into each other and never accepting fault.

the rain started yesterday around rush hour. people here seem to think that the faster you drive in the rain the less it will affect the wax job on their lexus’s. some are right.

wrong was the blonde skaterboy on his wooden longboard who tried to make a left onto wilshire and wiped out landing on his ass, launching his coffee mug of oatmeal into the drizzle and his deck into the honking traffic.

wrong was the subterrainian metro that, only in la, could be thirty minutes behind schedule due to weather despite being completely dry, miles below the metropolis.

wrong was the choice of the glamor girl who chose skin tight suede, shivvering below her dilapidated umbrella old with age, and flapping from crappiness.

five dolares sang the spuds mckenzie umbrella hawker at wilshire and western admiring his roll of cash secured with damp rubberband as we lined up to board the bus whose floors were wet whose windows were foggy whose seats were wet whose passengers were wet whose driver told her boss she had to take a 1031.

use the mcdonalds on crescent heights he said on the radio staticky due to the weather.

what about the jack in the box on la brea she asked and added over.

whereever you can, baby, he answered back with an over and out.

it’s like theyve never seen this ever before yet it comes down every year.

rain in the city means snow in the slopes but everyone crashes before they get there. everyone.

sweet little jetta rear ends land rover who slowed down to a near stop as it delicately maneuvers over the inch high speed bumps in the office courtyard.

i arrive at work a half hour late grateful that the bossman had the foresight to trust fritz the weatherman and took a personal day when he heard there’d be rain.

secretary says, welcome to work when i punch the clock and remove my trench coat.

it was work just getting to work i tell her and she kisses my forehead and pats my sweet ass.

dirty fez

a character named “franklin” wonders:

So Tony is taking posts from his weblog and turning them into a book? One would think a creative genius of his calibre would be able to come up with some new material… there are a lot of things to spend my money on, why spend on something that’s free online?

fair question.

but before i begin, please let me tell my friends that they will be getting the books for free. so quit paypalling me because i just found out how to refund your asses. if you want you can buy one at the discounted rate if you are buying it for a friend or a family member, but if youre just getting one for yourself and youre my friend, it’s on the house. it’s my christmas gift to you. just give me your address so i know where to send it.

what constitutes a friend? good question. a friend is someone whose phone number i have on my phone list. a friend knows where i live. a friend knows how devistatingly handsome i truly look in real life and only laughs at these photos of me on the web.

a friend either went to school with me or worked with me or got me out of hot water with the law or jammed in a band with me or repelled half dome with me or set me up with some super fly bitches back in the day.

k, now, franklin. you should buy this book because what i write here cannot be read when youre on the can, it cannot be read in a bus, it cannot be read on a plane or a train or in the backseat of a car as youre driving up the 5 to visit your ex-girlfriends parents over thanksgiving. thats why they make books.

also a book made of past blog enteries looks differnet on the page, it reads much more as a story, it has a different feel. you can wrap it up and give it as a gift. you can put it on a shelf and refer to it.

why do people buy the dvds of their favorite films? why dont they just remember what they saw? why dont they just wait for it to get on hbo or wait for it to get on abc?

yes i will be putting new stuff in there, and poems and pictures and commentary, but the bulk of the book are the old posts in different order than you might expect, for example there will be a whole chapter just on the conversations between me and ms. anna kournikova. some never before seen.

you should also get it because lots of columnists compile their columns and turn it into books. why punish the man who has organized his words on computer?

instead you should reward the lad who has brought you all this great joy.

or franklin, if you really see no value in it at all, but you’re grateful for my daily deeds, just flow the funds and write in the message area, “donate my book to a local senior citizen’s center or battered woman’s shelter in my name.” and i will.

but mostly you should be getting this book because it will be autographed from me to you and that’s definately worth ten bucks plus shipping.

so act now.

reverse cowgirl