was born 67 years ago, today.
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Author Archives: tony
oops
yesterday was the one year anniversary of the first time that i ever emailed ashley to try to win her attention. who knew it’d work?
my hope was that she would like Tsar and tell all her friends about it and Tsar would be huge. kinda like what happens with the roach motel, except nicer.
despite was Chris says, i think Mariah was terriffic yesterday on Ally McBeal.
and poor Anna. Serena (pictured) kicked her ass 6-2, 4-6, 6-3 in Australia but at least she won one match so right on Anna. we’re rooting for you.
tonight i will work out and people ask me all the time why im working out, how much does it cost, do i like my gym? all that stuff, but the best question that i have been asked lately is “what’s in your gym bag?”
+ 1 pair of clean tube socks
+ 1 pair of clean boxers
+ 1 pair of flip-flops
+ 1 knit cap
+ 1 dumb t-shirt
the clothes are for afterwards, so that i have some nice clothes to wear home. the knit cap is so i dont catch a cold with my wet hair afterwards. the flip flops are to protect me from athlete’s foot in the locker room, sauna, and shower.
i have so much to tell you, but theres work to do and i’m mourning Dave Thomas’s demise. my mom loved Wendy’s. i’ll call her today and see if she still does. Dave was tossed around several foster homes. he had a sad childhood. all i can say is, thanks for the square hamburgers. they were good. and Dave seemed real nice.
In other news, Michael Jordan is about to get divorced. even though i don’t believe in divorce, I don’t think his wife, Juanita, should get half of what he’s worth. she never made a free throw in her life and she gets $100 million? sad thing is, all those rumors about MJ being a playa seem true now. good thing my heroes are not athletes, but our military personnel who defend our freedoms. they never disappoint me.
Dave Thomas, Founder of Wendy’s
1933-2002
Shocker! write about Anna and Mariah writes in immediately
Apparently I was supposed to say something about the fact that Mariah is guest starring on “Ally McBeal” tonight and that I have no excuse not to watch it since there wont be any “Monday Night Football” or no made-for-tv movie about “Monday Night Football.”
And while I’m at it, I’m supposed to say that “Glitter” is going to be VHS and DVD next friday, January 15, and also that we’ll get to look at her house on MTV’s “Cribs” this Wednesday.
And if that weren’t enough, she’s on the cover of the british edition of FHM for February.
So why does she need me to hype her? Couldn’t tell ya.
anna isn’t talking to me
she says i pay too much attention to ashley. she might have a point. she says that i make fun of her too much for not winning any tournaments. you wouldnt think she’d be so sensitive, i mean everyone loves her and shes young and beautiful and talented and funny and being a loser her whole life hasnt seemed to affected her popularity so who cares what i think?
she does.
so what i have decided to do is i will pay special attention to anna on her quest to win a singles tournament.
monday is technically over in Australia, where anna is right now. she creamed Angeles Montolio of Spain 6-4, 6-2 at the Sydney International tennis tournament but the bad news is she has to face a young woman named Serena tomorrow and Serena is probably the best female tennis player in the world.
for the record, i dont care that Anna is a loser. all i care is that she hustles and works hard and remains a good person and remains true to herself. im glad that she doesnt care what people say about her regarding what she wears or who she dates or how she acts. she tells me that she has a linguistics coach who is helping her lose her Russian accent but i say keep the accent. accents are cool.
this straw-hatted man was singing “Oh What A Beautiful Morning” on the train and he had a thick Jamaician accent and it sounded real nice. Usually i dont like when people sing or talk to me on the bus or in the subway, so i kept my nose in my book, but he was making up his own lines and the passengers seemed to be entertained by him. he stomped around the aisle singing about how he’s single and how if he ever got married he’d end up in a ditch. he told all the girls not to look at him with those beautiful eyes. he said he loved the ladies.
it wouldnta been the same if he hadnt had his accent and i’d tell anna this if she was talking to me but shes not and thats cool. i know as soon as she wins it all or beats one of the sisters from Compton she will call me collect or something and rub it in my face.
i hope thats sooner than later. cuz i think we all want to see her win, cuz some of us like her for more than her good looks and sweet accent.
Happy Birthday
Kitty
Still waiting to see “Glitter” with you.
It was Dan’s birthday yesterday!
Who knew?! Dan, happy 29th. Hope it was better than your girl said it was. Hope you got more than smokes and a pat on the back.
Dan and I bunked together on Haight Street back in the day and got involved in some bizarre situations that are so twisted that I will never discuss them on these pages, and if you see that I do, you’ll know that i have run out of material.
I will say this though, one night we had a party at our pad. There was beer, drugs, a live band, tons of women, and some guy dragged in a tank of nitrous. I went into Dan’s room and there were three girls taking off their shirts and comparing their goods in a very loving manner. I was stunned so I apologized for interrupting. Strangely they said, “no no no Tony, stay, join us, even.”
After a while I told the girls that I would go down and get them some more ballons of nitrous but really I wanted to see if any of my roommates were interested in joining in the fun. Who was I to be greedy? There was Dan leaning up against the wall and I told him that there were three hot babes in his room who needed his attention. For some reason he didnt understand me and never went in there. I came back to his room with the balloons and had to entertain the women alone. Oh well.
Dan and I had many intellectual conversations about religion, brit pop, politics and sports and was a fine roommate and a good friend. He ended up with the best room in the house even though he decorated it with only a surfboard which he leaned up against a closet. Still the chicks were all into him, and he landed himself quite a keeper in Sara. Read her tribute to the old lug and fill his box with love.
do you like rice? i like rice. i cook rice all the time. i was cooking rice last night as my friend was over. then two friends knocked on the door. one i hadnt seen in a really long time. like more than 10 years ago.
“are you still working for the FBI?” he asked.
the other two friends looked at me.
“oh that was just a temp assignment way back then. i delivered donuts to them early in the morning.” we had all gone to college in isla vista, which was technically goleta, goleta was home to raytheon, one of the big defense contractors. one summer i delivered donuts that were made on campus to a lot of the businesses around santa barbara, one of companies was raytheon. some people assume that thats when i started working for the bureau.
but everyone knows i was just delivering donuts.
he said, oh thats right, then you worked for Philips – are you still with them?
and i said no. then i went through the list. it was weird. i talked about how i had worked for them for 5 years, then the start-up, then they got bought by Microsoft so i worked for them, then i went into business for myself. then i sold hot dogs, then i read the verse in the new testament where jesus told the rich prince to sell all his shit and follow Him, so i sold a lot of my shit and moved to LA. then i worked for the other start-up then a year later i was making more money than i ever made ever and i had more fun than i had had in a long time. then it all came crashing down cuz of the stock market. and now i work at the tv network.
it was strange talking about it because i always think of myself as such a big failure but telling the story as i was stirring my rice i didnt feel like such a big failure. it’s like sometimes you need to step back a little and really see where you’re at. it made me think that i had been painting this huge canvas and my nose was so stuck in one corner of it and all i could see was the green splotches and i wasnt taking into consideration that it was connected to something. that it was there to compliment the blue splotches over there and the sum of it was who i was, but not even. the next canvas was who i was, but only for a brief time. and then the next.
then they asked me if i was still with jeanine. i said no, but i see her a lot. and that made me feel good. then chris called. then greg came over. then ashley called. then os.
before i knew it everyone was gone and i had some cold rice and half eaten chicken. there were cigarrette butts in the ashtray and a dozen emptied beer bottles and it was ten pm and i had successfully taped “Survivor” and i watched it and felt ok about everything. a feeling i hadnt had in a while.
then my bart simpson phone rang.
his eyes turn red when it rings.
i got that phone because thats what i do when my boss calls me.
who’s the only person who has the number of that phone.
then i got bummed again.
and as i talked on that phone i put my rice into the microwave, i put some plastic wrap over the bowl and hit Quick Start three times and searched around the fridge for just one more bottle of beer. i thought to myself, please let there be one in there.
A Look Back
im pooped so i will include Ashley’s take of my Year End Review, if you have any email them!
Your Beautiful Work Of Art Year In Review – a review by ashley
01. “Urine Review” – beautiful. Bobby Brady looking geeky. Just when I thought I couldn’t love you any more
02. Index – who’s that cool girl? I adore the “no way could this be true”
caption. Looks awesome
03. January – loving that the first picture I ever saw of you is right there.
[in which you are FAR + AWAY the cutest boy of them all]. I tend to stay away from these old school links b/c it’s usually just naked chicks.
However, since the first naked chick on the list is my FAVORITE naked chick, I’ll look
around a little more … WOW! next link is another one of my FAVORITE naked
chicks, not naked in this picture however. We were destined from the start, huh? [after going thru your adorable PeopleSupport tribute, i’ve come to the conclusion that you should go back and save the Internet]
[oh + that you’re super cute even when painted green]
04. February – oooh it’s me! + a little icon you made for me. remember that?
i said ‘i need a picture that represents balancing’. you did a grand job. so i’m noticing your large background pics don’t even take 1/2 as long to load
nowadays as compared to the old stuff. well done. i thoroughly enjoyed reading the transcript of our ‘last correspondance’ aka speed survey.
05. March – i think the unemployment receipt is so cute. perfect touch. ok you look SO CUTE in that pic w/ the blonde porn star [janine]. you know the one. nice to see you called me jjl on that survey page, thank you. “9. What kind of person do you want to marry?: madonna whore, of course. if she cant cook thats ok.” sounds like i’m in! oh + look at that, “daisy princess representing”. i lov eyou
06. April – thanks for getting rid of the slippers picture. seeing your house makes me wish i was there an ungodly amount. what a lovely surprise to see “are you gonna eat that?” is peppered by my picture. + DUDE i am so still craving your cheese tacos, 9 months after you invented them! I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT GETTING RID OF THE SLIPPERS PICTURE! + i see you never fixed the “bye ash – april index” all being one big link. it’s ok, i still love you + think you’re smart
07. May – gosh i am so in love w/ your vegasgirl story 🙂 really. it makes me all kinds of happy. just read the rest of it + wow. i seriously dig you a LOT. i love buffy’s dead too. hehe. i was crying a lot over that. “luck” will always be a favorite as well. you read that to me over the phone while i was eating pizza + watching some fashion special on E!
08. June – there’s me unseen in the background! our little secret huh? don + jen’s wedding was really fun, i loved your stuff about it. after seeing bday tributes for jeanine, karisa, + now chris, i really am looking forward to jan. 11th.
“sam” somehow made it onto 2 different months. i guess since you included the extensive look back at spring, its ok that you missed some links
on the june index. LIKE THE OH SO IMPORTANT: RUNNING + 99 CENT +
ASHSELFPORTRAIT!!!!!! i do love that paco though.
09. July – probably the ugliest month so far, but i know you love the dude, so i’ll let it slide. + now i’m about to have a heartattack b/c it seems like
you have left out my FAVORITE THING FROM YOUR SITE EVER!!!!! ASHLEY + I RENT
A CAR!!!!!! i dont think i can go on. you just broke my heart a lot. i am SO hoping your sake that you accidently put it in august. arggggg
10. August – and no. somehow you manage to leave out a link to the thing i always always always tell you is my favorite thing you’ve ever done. i’m
going to cry. honestly. i better put a huge warning about this at the top of this email, telling you to fix that NOW!!!!! at least you included ashley cooks with me. there’s still hope for you, i guess.
11. September – while i’m recovering from the shock of the exclusion of my favorite tonypierce.com creation, i will say that this one looks really rad.
but don’t go thinking i like you now or something. even though its now 5.38am + ive been doing this for like 2 hours. i never looked for ashley + i rent a
car in the summer index. if its not there, i will really have to ask the scientologists to bomb your pad. you are so lucky. 2nd row, all the way to
the right. you’re not completely off the hook, even though i liked the title of “ashley made this pic”. + i really liked “ash says hi“, i forgot all about that. see, even smart people forget important things.
12. October – looks pretty, nice usage of pinkwhooooooooo! better pink! GWEN! yay thanks. did i ever tell you how well you substituted the “ROCK” on her belt for “TONY”? really impressive. i love the drew on snl pages a lot. it
lets the world see what a HUGE FREAKY DORK i am. oh gosh. you’re lucky i love you so much, otherwise i would die of embarrasement over this stuff being
public. look what you had uploaded on your own site all this time:
http://www.tonypierce.com/images/drew/Drew%20&%20Tom%20-%20photo.jpg
i read this date with bunny page in the kids section of the library. i like
halloween even if theres way too much of the cam girls.
13. November – BEAUTY of a meteor shower pic way to go baby.oooh + theres me!
yay. very very good to see ashsback, i wouldve spit on my computer if you
missed that one. wow i missed like more than half of these!!! what the fuck.
this is weird. thanks for saying i can be funny as hell! wow. i love you now.
changed my mind once i read this: “i wrote about dumb stuff like teenage girls” you are so mean.
14. December – wow, just when i thought july was the ugliest month … spoke too soon i guess. you forgot to change the meteor shower caption, so that’s
still under phil. very nice to see 3 pages of me. even the mean tom/drew page
tickled my fancy
ULTIMATE GRADE – B
[extra credit can be obtained in the form of a HUGE + BRILLIANT link to
ashley + me rent a car]
i love you a lot. taking that journey of your life + meetng you + our time
spent together was really fun. kept me up until 6am, i hope youre proud. i
can’t wait to be with you.
xoxoxoxo
Daisy Kisses,
ASHLEY*
if i could be friends with one person
it would be Mike Tyson. i would walk around with him and keep him out of trouble. i would never tell him what to do, but i would tell him what not to do. ok, i would tell him occasionally what to do. like i’d say no violence unless you’re getting paid for it.
happy new year. did everyone get some time off. i did. im beat. i stayed up so late every night. i have no idea why im so tired today but i am. im draggin. it’s all catching up to me. fortunately this is another short week. the electric blanket my mom gave me i swear is from some fairy tale. it’s magical. it’s given me all this energy. i totally cleaned my closet in the master bedroom. it’s a walk in closet and i had this huge box in there that clothes would end up getting thrown in and i wouldnt wear those clothes for months. i also had books on the shelves and everything was in disarray.
yesterday i pulled the box out, washed all the clothes that were in that closet, put christmas lights in there, put a three-shelf dealio in there, taped some risque pictures of latin gurls on the wall and laid down a nice oriental carpet. this morning while selecting which flannel i was going to wear i flipped on the christmas lights and it brightened my day. ah, elegence. how long will you last?
people have been saying happy new year to me a lot in the last few days. when they say it they smile. like the PC patrol wont bust them. almost like they wanted to say Merry Christmas to everyone a few weeks ago, but in california you dont know if that’s gonna offend someone. so when New Years rolls in everyone is free to say what they really want. the girl at the KFC yesterday said it to me as my back was turned and i was walking out the door. didnt even have to but she did and she almost laughed with glee as she said it. stopped me dead in my tracks and i turned around and gave it back to her and she beamed. maybe it was a bet she had with the guy who fries the chicken, “Five bucks i can make the next guy turn around and wish me a happy new year.”
chris was nice enough to loan me her car while she vacationed up in Oregon. even though i didnt drive it much, it was nice to have. it woulda been nicer to be in Oregon with chris and her supersweet family with deers bouncing through the backyard and wild turkeys running through the wilderness but at least i have a nice closet now. and the champ knows that theres someone out there who would be his buddy. for a price.
Rang in the New Years with friends over at Greg and Molli’s. Molli had just come back from Thailand. Lots of my friends were there including Jeanine who told me that she listened to “The Razor’s Edge” for the first time. That girl is getting into AC/DC so hard it’s funny. She tried to give me a hard time for not turning her on to that record. I said, “one reason you probably like it so much is cuz i’d play it occassionally as we were falling in love. you just didnt hear it in details because your head was swimming from my marvelousness.” But it’s nice to know that sorta new AC/DC is as appealing to fresh ears as classic AC/DC, which you would think would overshadow anything in comparison.
Our good pal Jason Pontius was also at Greg’s looking more handsome than ever and sounding strong on the acoustic guitar. Greg got a little hootenanny going and when the guitar got passed to me Greg asked if i’d read a poem, i declined and then he ran to his room and pulled out “Ilka” and through the night i read some poems and Jason asked to hear “Pixies Rock Music” and i was drunk and that poem isnt in “Ilka” and i dont memorize my poems. and then something really cool happened.
the guitar had been passed around a few times, the champagne had been poured, people had smoked things, and the guitar came to me and it occured to me that maybe if i tried real hard i could remember this poem (which i had recently changed the title to avoid any confusion with the song that i did not write, but i loved, thus i titled the poem after) . and it’s so rotten to turn down a request, i mean how many guys who barely write poems anymore get requests during a hoot – from a guy you havent seen in a decade?
and i said the first line and i could see jason smiling so i knew it was the right poem
“theres a dingdong at my doorbell…”
and i recited each line slowly, digging into my muddled mind and pulled them out one by one like cards i was dealing out and when i got near the end i realized that i knew the whole poem. it was a great moment and everyone felt it. it was real. it was real cool. i have the best friends. real friends. im a lucky dork.
didnt get to bed till 4:30am from playing Civ 3
and cuz im a moron. here i have another four-day weekend coming up, plenty of time to spend all night playing stupidly addictive video games, and there i was last night Starting a new game instead of cleaning my house or working on my site. whatever.
ashley called last night at around 2am and we talked for a good hour and a half as i was building my empire. she really wants me to come to vegas for my lil vacation and i’d really like to go, but all the presents i bought you all over Christmas has broken me and it looks like i’ll have to focus my carnal attentions domestically. and watch some football. and not shave for a few more days. and clean my house. and do my laundry. and paint my bed room. and not do shit. and ask out this girl at work. and finish this book im reading. and get Layne his mail. and pay my ridiculous phone bill.
i tell you these things because im still getting baffling emails from people including a few where the fellas think that life aint nothin but bitches and money. gentlemen, to a point, that’s all true. but i know you play The Sims, and i’m not the cleanest Sim, i will put my food right on the ground after ive cooked it. And anyone who has played that game knows that either you have to get a clean Sim to cohabitate with or you have to spend a little extra gametime tidying up the domicile, and now is that time.
Speaking of which, my former boss left the other day and told me that he built a Sim house where he made a room with no windows or doors and just starved his little guy out. Funny, but, ok, not so funny. It was funny at the time.
Ashley wasnt happy with yesterday’s story about Mariah. She wants every entry to be about her, who can blame her. I told her that nothing in here is true, she said, no i saw some truth in there. I said yeah, I watched the Clippers game, that was about it. She said, please come out here I will do anything once you arrive. I said anything? she said anything. i said you’ll dress up like a surfer girl and sit on my lap at the Bellagio Sports Book and fetch me cocktail weenies as we watch the Raiders on Saturday and the Bears on Sunday, she said anything.
I said, would you go to Gameworks with me and be the shooter while I drive on that one Jurrassic Park game, then ride the coaster at New York New York, then escort me over to the bowling alley and watch me bowl and then join me in the hot tub where we debate the influence of the designated hitter on the decline of baseball and then adjourn with me to the room where we watch “Baby Boy” on pay-per-view repeatedly and then raid the breakfast buffet in the early morn? She said, anything.
Which just goes to prove that sometimes it’s good to have a little extra cash stashed away so that you can fulfil the dreams of a sweet teen princess who will have to spend new years alone on her laptop in a chat room instead of at a bowling alley at a casino with a fading superstar.
So save your nuts, little squirrels, winter has just begun.