the most underrated movie of the Aughts

: You Don’t Mess With the Zohan

mixed raced celebrities ran the table in the ’00s.

mariah carey (black/irish) sold more records than any woman.

derek jeter (black/irish) won his 4th and 5th rings, became the yankee captain, got more hits by any shortstop ever, and won four gold gloves. and got to date mariah.

barack obama (african/american) road Shepard Fairey’s coattails to the top

tiger woods (“cablinasian”) maintained an unblemished image while making golf watchable

mariah wins by being in the worst movie of the decade “glitter” and one of the best “you dont mess with the zohan”.

but i win because i was just checking my gmail and the hottest girl in a few states over pops up on my chat screen and says whatchadoin

and i say watching the zohan

she says omg im so hungover and proceeds to tell me that now that school is over she gets drunk and makes out with boys in bars. which is very funny because shes not really that type of girl.

then she sighed about her lovelife which made me wonder if blogging is bad for hot babes’ love lives.

then i ate a nature valley crunchy granola bar before heading off to the cinema

your answers to ask tony

butthole - parks and rec

in living color

Will Campbell: Can I be invited to your birthday party next year? I know I’m 45 years older than you and not hip or a chick and hot and stuff, but I promise not to act my age. And buy a couple rounds.

will youre one of the few who have stuck by the busblog in a loyal way. you never sold me out, you never betrayed my trust, you never said dumb crap, you never wrote stupid nonsense. you were there on my side when i was up, you were there when i was down. i dont know why you didnt think you werent invited to my birthday last week, but even though you think you are the things that you are, you can most definately come to my next bday party. and only buy one round.

timmay!!!!! i’m changing “ask tony” to “ask hef” and asking you to ask him what other publications he reads … and, for christ’s sake, don’t let him answer all of them!

timmay i froze up when i met hef. in a major way. yours was a great question. a perfect question. if my mind was working right or if i had the good sense to write down the questions like a pro i woulda asked it, but to be honest i couldnt really believe i was even going to the mansion again, let a lone ask mr hefner a question let alone as many as i wanted. they didnt let everyone who was there ask questions but they asked me and i blew it. there will be video later, but you’ll see, your boy had his chance and fell on his face.

zona: do you think newspapers have any business endorsing candidates? and if not, will you tell your boss?

if i ever come off as pretending to know what newspapers should do then you know im full of it. luckilly for you me and the great city of los angeles i was not hired to work on any aspect of the newspaper, so i dont tell them what to do and they dont tell me what to do with the blogs.

heres what i know about the fourth estate though. fourth estate is supposed to call it like it sees it. many papers including the LAT and the Chicago Trib havent endorsed a candidate for president in decades. i do know that its risky to both buck tradition and tempt people to pigeonhole you once you step out and say “we think this dude is better than that dude”, but the fourth estate is supposed to be courageous.

LA Times endorsed obama and mccain back in the primaries when neither were leading their party’s races. that took courage. therefore i was glad that they kept doing what they thought was the right thing.

The WordSlinger: Who is the better poet–Walt Whitman or Emily Dickinson?

those are two of the most differnet poets you coulda picked. one was totally free the other lived in almost abject isolation. one wrote and wrote and wrote the other took her time and plotted each line with precision. youd think that a free spirit in appearance like me would lean toward the wildman, but emily dickinson is one of my favorites of all time. because life isnt fair, if she was around today, no one would care about her at all. shed probably have a blog though, and i would probably send her dirty gmails to try to maker blush.

anti: Do any of the Times’ blogs with a twitter have a good CTR rate? oh and what is the rate, and if its not so good, what value do you think a twitter account bring one’s blog?

Top of the Ticket has about 900 people following them on Twitter. we only really just started using that technology. its hard to say whats a good CTR off 900 since The Ticket will probably get 4 million pageviews this month, so anything off that twitter feed is gonna be a drop in the bucket compared to the huge success that blog is. when people tell you that no one reads the LA Times any more. tell them they dont know one thing about anything, particularly our audience.

macbond: What does it take to get a date with Danielle K?

Danielle is a fragile butterfly. shes as pretty as ever. shes as smart as ever. shes as funny as i first met her and shes more worthy than ever. she wants and deserves everything. when she falls for a man she dives in head first. it might freak out the fakers but she will reward the man with courage like no other.

ask the homeless what it takes to get a date with her. or the rich man. or the pro golfer. ask the surfer or the bar owner or the coffee shop typer. all it takes is the right hair the right eyes the right vibe. the hard part is the second date. but thats the one where you might see heaven.

Phaedra: sa-weet. But the question everyone wants to know, but isn’t asking – did ya get some at the playboy mansion?

only one man got some that night at the mansion. and i’ll give you 82 guesses as to who that gentleman was.

David: will greg oden be as good as they say or did portland get burned? and…a five song playlist to ease sunday morning hangovers?

odens a bust. you can see it in his eyes. plus hes too big. you have to start off solid to make it as a big man in this league. ask michael olowokandi. ask theo ratcliff. ask kwame. ask joe smiff. thats where i see oden. someone who bounces around the league for a little while. sparkle here sparkle there but no big thang.

ying yang twins – whisper song
jesus and mary chain – sometimes always
sonic youth – incinerate
velvet underground – sunday morning
bob marley – three little birds
hank sr. – long gone lonesome blues
bob dylan – froggie went a courtin
katie melua – just like heaven
pixies – gigantic
ac/dc – ride on
tsar – silver shifter
zwan – honestly
the replacements – if only you were lonely
charlie louvin – when i stop dreamin
ting tings – traffic light
smashing pumpkins – landslide
tom waits – innocent when you dream
matthew good – odette
arcade fire – no cars go
flaming lips – evil will prevail
the police – wrapped around your finger
matthew sweet – this moment
nirvana – dumb (unplugged)
weezer – island in the sun
mariah carey – shake it off
foo fighters – tiny dancer
cat power – living proof
bruce springsteen – open all night
ice cube – today was a good day
madonna – music
dinosaur jr. – get me
prince – when 2 r in love
ben lee – im with the star
digital underground – kiss you back
the wonderfuls – la winter rain
janes addiction – janes says
cypress hill – hits from the bong
lynyrd skynyrd – tuesdays gone
the eagles – peaceful easy feeling
randy newman – simon smith and his amazing dancing bear
r.e.m. – seven chinese brothers
grateful dead – uncle johns band
led zeppelin – all of my love
the cars – moving in stereo
ugly kid joe – mr record man
pink floyd – dark side (minus the alarm clocks)
velvet underground – femme fatale

xtx: can we Freaky Friday each other so I can go to the mansion and you can stay home and have family movie night watching The Hulk?

yes i love ed norton and if i had to freaky friday with anyone itd be you.

sass: Which side of the bed do you sleep on?

when i sleep alone i sleep next to the window cuz i love that fresh air and i cant believe that in late october we get to sleep with the windows open.

when i sleep with a lady i sleep on her side of the bed. i do my best to smother her. some dont like that. too bad. some hate it. they end up leaving before the dawns early light. some love it and theres a nocturnal fight to see who will gain dominance. those are the girls i love best. its a sweaty win win.

today is the birthday of two of my favorite entertainers

hi mariah mariahs left nipple and mariahs right nipple.


no really today is mariah careys birthday and i dont know how old she is and i dont care, all i know is ive loved her since i first heard her voice and i really loved her when i saw her.

over the years we’ve had our ups n downs. first she married not just a white guy, but a white record exec. then she did the unspeakable – started hanging around puff daddy.


through it all i stayed by her side. i did the same with anna when she started dating that boybander. what is it with these fine bitches picking the absolute worst men to spread their legs for?

jessica simpson with nick, nicole kidman with tom cruise, xtina with jordan, mariah and her cheesy dudes, anna and her unforgiveable ricky martin?

its almost like they know their pussy is too good for the world so might as well just throw it away cuz really who cares?

time has been good to mariah. sure shes gained a few pounds but havent we all? sure she went through a period of going crazy, but again, who hasnt?

does she wear inappropriate clothing? yes, but why would a red blooded man complain about that? is she a bitch and stuck up and cunty? yes, but thats how i like my divas. is she a few six packs short of a case? again yes but the ho can sing and thats all that i look for in my singing sensations.

mariah can sing, she cant fake giving a shit about your problems, she poses as she walks, she rips off pretty much every r&b and pop-hopper out there, but noone can come close to singing like her for the sole exception of xtina but when it comes from her it sometimes sounds like a white girl trying to be black, which, again, is fine with me cuz that little ho can sing too.

im glad mariah made a huge comeback this year. im glad everyone bought her shit. im glad she tore it up at the grammys and im glad she cost all of her former record labels money because it proved once and for all that record labels dont know shit and they cant even handle the #1 top selling female artist of all time so its no wonder they cant handle up n coming superstars like Tsar.

i heart you mariah and i always will i dont care if you grow to 666 lbs, i dont care if every label drops you, just keep wearing those little dresses and singing your ass off because thats all we pay you for. if we wanted someone with manners we’d hang out with our mamas more.

my other favorite entertainer whose birthday is today is mr quentin tarentino who’s Kill Bill Vol 2 is a classic and made up for him saying the N word in Pulp Fiction but if he ever says that word in my presence i will slap him so hard it’ll unbreak that tucan sam nose of his.

hes my boy and i love him and i cant wait to see what else is up his twisted sleeve.

stoned nerd + zulieka + wild bell

Shocker! write about Anna and Mariah writes in immediately


Apparently I was supposed to say something about the fact that Mariah is guest starring on “Ally McBeal” tonight and that I have no excuse not to watch it since there wont be any “Monday Night Football” or no made-for-tv movie about “Monday Night Football.”

And while I’m at it, I’m supposed to say that “Glitter” is going to be VHS and DVD next friday, January 15, and also that we’ll get to look at her house on MTV’s “Cribs” this Wednesday.

And if that weren’t enough, she’s on the cover of the british edition of FHM for February.

So why does she need me to hype her? Couldn’t tell ya.

mariah’s depressed.

i know i know it seems like mariah’s always depressed but she never promised me a rose garden.
Mariah Carey

this week mariah’s nervous because her record label wants to buy out her $85 million contract. she called and said she wanted to take me out for lunch i said, mariah, some of us work for a living so she said how about after work i said ok. i was feeling hyper as shit because my mom had gotten me (among tons of stuff) a totally great electric blanket and something about it – and having four days off – made me feel rested and rockin.

Mariah phoned when i got home from work and offered to pick me up and take me out. i said, i’m carsitting chris’s honda. she said dont be silly, i’ll have earl drive us. i said, no, really i’d like to pick you up for once.

when i got to her pad she had the Clippers game on. “Oh my god, I totally didn’t even know that the 76ers were still in town and they were playing the Clippers, let’s go! I can get us courtside seats!”

hmmm, i thought to myself, i happen to sorta be dating one of the Clipper Girls, and from what I remember, they happen to work right around the courtside.

“I know,” I said, “hows about we go to the game and eat dinner up in that restaurant and watch the game from up there?”

It was a plan.

The game was good, Iverson didnt heat up till the second half, and dinner was good, I had the shrimp boat. Mariah had the rib eye.

Around halftime the cosmo’s started kicking in and Mariah started getting into one of her negative rants.

“Life sucks so bad. I don’t even know why I’m here.”

“Sshh shhh baby, it’s ok. you’re here to watch Elton Brand and Lamar Odom play the defending East Coast Champs.”

“I mean in LIFE, Sonny, geeze! I try and I try but people want to diss me and make jokes and all I want to do is make them happy. And when I try to just not even care they call me a bitch.” She started crying. I ordered a ginger ale for her. “Fuck that, I want another Cosmopolitan!”

I held her hand as she dabbed at her mascara. “Fucking label, fucking people, fucking so-called friends, present company excepted. Fucking teen stars…”

“What about fucking J.Lo?”

Mariah glared at me. See, I’m the wrong person to cry to. I know I’m supposed to just allow people to vent, but after a while I have to either add a joke or pile-on or be sarcastic. I think it’s funny. No one else seems to. She yanked her hand away from mine and took a big gulp out of her plastic cup.

“What was your favorite record this year?”

I knew she was asking me a trick question, so I went for it.

“Glitter,” I said.


“Okay, DMX, or Missy’s record. But then Glitter.” I meant it too, oddly.

Mariah said, “not the Dylan record?”

I said, “who?”

“And why can’t we smoke up in here? What country are we living in?” Mariah directed this at the usher, a pleasant young man who, fortunately couldnt hear her cuz he was too far away, and since he was smart, he kept his distance. I took her hand back.

“Baby, come on, it’s cool. Just take $45 million from EMI and call it even. Some one will pick you up, and then you’re that much ahead of the game. Who needs EMI anyhow, they’re not even Virgin anymore. It’s not like Richard Brannon is running the show any longer, just pretend you won the lottery, start your own label if you want and sell your shit on the Internet like Prince.”

Mariah whispered, “when was the last time you heard a new Prince song on the radio?”

That was my cue to shoot my 151.

Clippers called a timeout, The Answer had woken up, so I leaned over and whispered something naughty in Mariah’s ear. It brought a little smile to her totally gorgeous face.

“Really, you’d do that with me?” she giggled.

“Of course, baby. You know I’d do anything with you. Now let’s just watch the rest of this game, down these mudslides and think happy thoughts.”

Peace didnt even last the duration of the time out. Mariah was sobbing again and complaining.

“What about love? Why is there no love anymore. Everything is business or sex or games or maneuverings or politics. Where’s the LOVE?”

She was becoming loud now. Many people may not know this cuz hoops tickets are so damn expensive, but at real NBA games, unlike college ones, it can get pretty quiet in the stands. You can really hear the squeaks of the sneakers, the ball bouncing, the coaches yell out instructions, and a drunken singer yelling about how the world is a vampire. So I tried to interject.


“People just want to bone you or use you or abuse you or… Love, where is all the Love that people.. It’s Christmas, I don’t see the Love…”


“Evil and ugliness, I see a lot of that. But Love… everyone said there was supposed to be Love!”

“I would Love it if you just SHUT UP!”

Mariah was shocked. Then she laughed. I laughed too. “Really though. Shut your little trap and watch this game and enjoy yourself and then you can cry all you want.”

And Mariah put her cup down and put her head on my shoulder and put her little hand on my chest and sobbed softly for a few minutes. And then went to sleep.

Just like the Clipper defense.

home | Buy your friends t-shirts, for Kwanzaa | email