cuz i’d like to have my computer on when im away and share my Tsar mp3s without teenagers hacking into my machine and stealing all the nude pics that all my fans send me of themselves and their hot friends. but it turns out that NPF is crap and uninstalling it makes it think that someone’s hacking it so it goes into protection mode and right now my computer is in protection mode big time and if it wasnt for Blogger you kind readers wouldnt know that i had a kickass weekend where the Bears came back from 21-7 in the fourth quarter to win in overtime after an onside kick and Hail Mary – shit that never works normally, but all seemed to work yesterday and im glad that i taped it or i wouldnta believed it.

And the World Series was pretty good.

Last night I stayed up till 2am writing about how Nay is the hottest, most popular web cam girl around and at 15 she has decided to retire from it all and shut down her site. then i was up till 3am trying to get my computer to let me transfer my files, but no go. So if you want more info on Nay, read her last interview that she did with WebPig over at Internet Gossip.

And here i am on a Monday morning wishing it was Friday already, but let’s just all enjoy this week, ok?

ok, i feel like im X’ing – how bizarre, maybe it’s cuz the Raidahs will be on Monday Night Football tonight.

Speaking of … Kitty Bukkake got to not only see X, but got a backstage pass, and apparently got to go onstage at some point and dance!? and got to stare at Billy Zoom. i hope her camera didnt stay in her pocket all night. Oh, and she got the f’ing SETLIST if only to give us a glimpse of what we all missed out on. X live at the Whiskey is one of my all-time favorite live records. (i had it on tape.) Iron Maiden’s Live After Death and Foghat Live are also on the shortlist.

From : XXXXXman@aol.com

To : heytony@hotmail.com

Subject : How we got to your sight

Your gonna love this.

Me and my buddy Vinny were at the Yankees game last night (game 4). We were sitting in the bleachers over in left field and there was some dude about five rows down from us with curly red hair and a weird face. So my one buddy thought he looked like Mark McGwire. I thought he looked like the dude from the movie Mask. We all agreed that the guy also looked like Danny Bonaduce.

Anyway my other friend loves 80’s movies and thought he looked like this dude named Tool from a shitty 80’s movie called Stone Cold.

So the game ends (amazing game like tonight) and we were going ape shit and all that.

We get back to Vinny’s apt (amazing a Yankee fan called Vinny) and we go on the IMDB.com and look up who the actor was from Stone Cold.

His name of course is Tony Pierce. We weren’t sure if it was the same guy so we went to a search engine and your sight came up first.

Me being a horny bastard saw the picture of two hot chicks and that is that.

PAUL

Ed note: the two hot chicks are Drew Barrymore and Courtney Love, definately hot

if you live in LA, you’re going to end up with a few free passes to new movies at least a few times a month. rarely do i go, but last night Chris and I saw The American Astronaut at the newly remodeled Fairfax/Beverly movie house.

Lots of people wont like this black-and-white sci-fi semi-homoerotic epic western musical comedy, but me and Chris did. a reviewer called it Kubrik on valium. i thought of it as a really excellent student film that you’d hope to see on the Independent Film Channel but theyre always playing “Sid and Nancy.”

i laughed. i liked the music. i liked that it was almost all men on the screen all the time and when there were women they werent really beautiful women, cuz you really dont see those sorts of things in films these days.

before the film we went to PF Changs at the Beverly Center and i’m quickly becoming as addicted to their food as a few of my friends, which is scary because their food is so different that if you have a hankering for it, you really cant be satisfied with any other chinese restaurant.

if only they delivered.

home

awwww! bad news: i got written up and suspended for wearing my FBI uniform as a halloween costume. good news: i just got home and look what was waiting for me at my doorstoop: Jeff Noon’s latest! Nymphomation!

Thank you Matt and Emmannuelle! Who knew that my wishlist would actually be of use to people who wanted to get me birthday gifts.

Imagine if I got naked on my site what sort of gifts I’d get.

ok stop imagining.

thank you beloved friends. im sorry that le bomb squad is making you nervous. sometimes its fun for them to turn on their sirens and drive around fast. thats all. maybe they were practicing. it’s good to practice these things.

I’m listed on Business.com! I am somebody!

i dont know how i get myself in these situations, but instead of spending all hallows eve with all of my dear friends, i decided to go to a party where i knew only one person.

if you dont know me intimately, you have no idea how shy i truly am. so it was quite a stretch to subway and walk a half a mile to find myself in a room of strangers all wearing way better costumes than mine.

Are you really in the FBI a young woman asked.

Are you really a belly dancer, I asked her back.

not that anything in here is true, but all the girls in attendence in this really cool apartment were beautiful. the hostess looked better than i ever remembered. her sister was, of course, younger, and showing, of course, her belly, and her lower back and her cute tattoos peeked out and she gave me a tour of the apartment, including her two surfboards, and then introduced me to her friends. and then to her mother! her mother, of course, was a knockout as well.

they say that you should look at the mother to see how the daughter(s) will turn out. the daughters are going to be fine.

the daughters are fine.

the daughters were as breathtaking as the view. id never seen a view like this. normally you’d get a little view of the lights of hollywood if you were in the hollywood hills. these young ladies were in the foothills – but pushed far back enough that their view was that of the hills, and the buildings, and the foothills of hollywood.

normally, they explained to me, you could see the lit-up Hollywood sign, but due to recent paranoia they no longer light the sign at night. what hogwash, i protested.

the fellas at the party were not as annoying as i normally run into. some even held my attention for a full five minutes. the crowd was ridiculously diverse. we talked about how america shouldnt be afraid of anyone. we agreed that people cant fuck with us. we drank light beer and eventually discovered the gravity bong. a contraption that i had never experienced.

i took a cab home, tipped generously, and thanked my lucky stars for being a single man in southern california.

then, like an ass, i checked my messages as i put on my stocking cap, i heard several messages from my bosses boss asking me if it was true that i wore my FBI uniform in the public streets as a halloween costume and if i thought that was funny or some sort of joke. and that i was to see him first thing in the morning.

and then the phone rang.

it was two-thirty am. and it was not my boss’s boss. but a nice girl from vegas. and we fell asleep while on the phone.

again.

home | one of the coolest things i’ve ever seen

is I can wear my FBI clothes and pretend that I’m a reluctant undercover FBI agent. i’ve got my black FBI undershirt with the seal, a radio with an ear piece, sunglasses, and a black hat that says FBI. i like costumes where you dont have to explain to people who you are.

someone flowed me the latest Thor Garcia novel and i’m a really slow reader but i’m totally savoring this book. i blazed through 75 pages of Ham on Rye and I had to put it down because Tund had not only arrived, it had arrived. Tund is a masterwork and i’m not exaggerating. it sits on your lap and it snickers at you as you read along. it repeats itself because it knows what needs to be repeated. it takes its time, it works it out, it swaggers down the street and looks people in the eye because it knows better, it understands. it gets it. fuck. im always amazed at what Senior Garcia can do with the thesaurus and it’s always funny as hell.

hard to believe that the best american novels this year can only be found in Australia and the Czech Republic, but life is funny like that. not funny ha-ha. well, sorta funny ha-ha. i had a better ending to today’s story about the goth chick but what can you do.

usually the end of October depresses me, but even MJ coming back rusty and not perfect couldnt get me down. im a lucky boy. this old lady said good morning to me. this other old lady was singing at the bus stop. it rained yesterday and washed out a lot of the crap and you can really tell today. even gorgeous cities like Hollywood need a little wash down every 180 days or so and yesterday we got ours.

im giving blood today after lunch.

169,000 hits this month. Thanks siliconvalley.com, thanks www.liberation.fr, thanks http://blackholebrain.editthispage.com/2001/10/18, thanks matt, ken, ashley, emmanuelle, greg, amy, scripting.com, thanks tallahasseedemocrat.com, booknotes.com, 16thstreet.net, network54.com, http://www.elanceur.com/, dumbmonkey, http://environy.weblogger.com/2001/10/16, boingboing, http://www.ripthebag.com/blog/, and everyone else that helped out on the hits. it’s much appreciated. seriously.

home.

i cant tell you what i did last night cuz im sorta ashamed.

all i can say is Gibby from the Butthole Surfers was there and this kid named Ditch from mass.

and Christina Aguelera was doing shots like it aint no thing.

and i swear i havent done acid in more than a decade.

Henry Winkler was born today. Heeeeeey!

P.S. to all the kids who wrote to ashley saying things like Tony = Bad, you don’t know how right you are. but dont get cocky.

to Amy who sent me one of my favorite books ever off my wishlist. i hardly ever read books anymore but i will re-read this book and provide a nice book report soon. Literary Kicks has a couple of chapters typed out for you.

Also let me thank JT, MR, E, JC, BB, and JM who chosen to give me at least a buck for a car. Muchas gracias! We’re up to $204, babies!

My man from PeopleSupport drove up in a brand new Mustang convertible and it was so strange because it’s exactly the one in the picture. Turns out he has all this access to glass tobacco pipes. If you think that you’d be interested in seeing some of these crrrrazy pipes, email me. Some may even wind up for sale.

It’s almost Christmas. Nobody wants sweaters.

i could set up some little operation like putting ads on the site like T-Shirt Hell.

Their shirts are reasonably priced, and I get $5 for each shirt you get, so load up, peoples. And if you want to sell them on your site, that’s cool too.

on wednesday night, so i was planning on getting a bunch of sleep last night when my buddy Chris called me on my secret phoneline to tell me that the guy that details his car totally gave him some primo laker tickets. since im only about 6 subway stops away from Staples, i said hell yeah. it’s really interesting how relaxing a preseason basketball game is. maybe it was the good company. we’re really good friends after all these years, even if we only talk to each other every now and then. maybe it’s cuz we both live such simple, quiet lives.

lots of fake boobs in the good seats and lots of people with the fake boobs who cover them up and walk fast up the aisles when it becomes obvious that hundreds of spectators are checking out the silicone. ive never understood this. you spend thousands, you wear low-cut clothes, your things are well beyond double-d, you’re sitting practically courtside – why are you suddenly embarrased because guys named Tony are looking at you as opposed to guys named Kobe?

best sign at Staples was on the cool bar right next to the beer taps: 24 oz Corona $10. it looked like someones kid printed it out from a bubble printer. i wondered if the sign was an advertisment, an apology or a warning. i considered it a disappointment. i consider that business gouging. i know we’re all cash money millionaires enjoying the pimplife, but let’s try to not be so tacky. the price on the tickets that we held said $78. parking was $15, needless to say the few kids that i saw in our section – surprise – were all on their cell phones. one kid had a Troy Aikmen jersey. life is nuts.

that really is Seal courtside next to the laker girls.

i got to sleep around 3am last night, if you’re scoring at home. and if you are, congratulations.

my pics from the wedding | home