the pretty girls will stop coming over

and doing pretty girl things.

the hits will dry up.

all my hair will fall out.

and i’ll stop learning.

but last night one thing led to another and i was able to rid my bedroom of cats for just long enough, to do what i have been studying all these many years.

and when it was over, i gave her a pillow shaped as a poo emoji and i sat on my couch and said, great, now what?

it was then i decided to move my car from a block away to in front of my house.

and then i realized i was hungry. and then i realized it was friday night and all the other ubers were probs in coachella, maybe i should fill the void and ubes around LA with a funny little smile on my face.

and so i did. i didnt really need to get a weekend bonus. it was so small, why bother, but then i figured, it’s there, if i can get it in 3 hours then perfect. otherwise who cares.

so i drove and i was very close to getting it. i was two rides away. but i was getting sleepy.

the passenger had purple hair. she told me about where we were headed, Koreatown. she had moved here from Ohio with her black boyfriend. important because in ohio she said they were discriminated against.

here they were treated just as badly as anyone else in her apartment and she loved that but did not love: the cockroaches, the fact that she never gets hot water in the shower, or the fact that an upstairs neighbor dumped urine out the window and the building manager did nothing.

dropped her off and i only had one more to go. K Town was about 15 minutes from my house. Let’s hope for a short one. When it came it was something on Wilshire. I was tempted to do the Bad Driver trick of accepting the ride and starting it before the passenger got into the car to check to see where the destination was — and then cancelling if it was too far — but i’m a good boy and good things always seem to come to me when i am good, so i found the woman, who seemed to be stumbling in the streets and allowed her into my car.

come to find out she was headed to Pacific Palisades: a good half hour to the west. It would be an hour roundtrip, all for $18. but i did it. why not. i love the beach. i love LA. she didnt barf. she fell asleep a half dozen times. we didnt talk. i played 80s music. the roads were empty. it was 1am. Sunset all the way home. no one was out.

note to self: if anyone wants to vacation in LA, find a weekend when Easter, Passover and Coachella are all going down, not only is there little traffic, but i bet every hotel has a vacant room or two.

and i am the worlds biggest sinner about certain things.

for example: im probably the greatest uber driver ever.

and there are a lot of uber drivers.

you dont need a tray of candy, condoms and mints.

you dont need a lot of bottles of water.

you need to be a good driver, and love people.

if you know a little too much about the surroundings, thats a bonus.

if you are genuinely curious about the world and the people who live there, even better.

and i will say, it helps to have been around the block a few times.

after a strange day at work it was really nice to drive the kids of usc

around their weird campus in south central.

one beautiful asian girl, after i asked her if she lives with her boyfriend said,

“no because sometimes i like to get naked, put self tanner on, and stand with my arms out, eating grapes as i watch youtube videos. i dont need some man making fun.”

got hit by this allergy attack yesterday probs due to the super bloom.

on any other day i woulda called in sick but i had to go to this meeting which determines the whole next week.  runny nose, sneezing, general ickiness. the benedryl makes me feel sick.

so driving around usc i had run out of kleenex and i got a ping from a young lady at the Taco Bell down from the 9-0.

so i texted back “be right there, can you pick me up some napkins?”

got there, she had the napkins, and i drove her and her friends to this cool taco joint + bar.

we took a selfie by the curb

got 15 rides in 3 hours for my $45 bonus.

one dude said, do you know you look just like tom morello.

and while going home i got a regular uber x ping. i said fine, why not.

turned out to be two of the most beautiful young nurses you ever saw

right outside of the natural history museum

i was all, omg i guess its first friday, which it was and it had just let out.

the ladies, one of them scandalously exposing her midriff, giggled, buzzed

no clue who had just performed

told me some wonderful stories about working at childrens hospital

we drove to where the johnny rockets used to be on melrose

somehow i only made $8 on the 8-mile ride

but they were such a delight.

let me tell you.

i asked them about what college they went to.

they said they met at this christian college in san berdue

i said shut your mouth, the only thing i love more than the cubs is talking about the bible!

whats your favorite story

and the one told me about the story of Esther

and she told it so well and so colorfully that we all clapped when she was done.

it’s 2:20am. if i had an electric car i would still be out there.

do i know whats going on? nope.

drove around USC last night hoping to get 15 rides but my secret is out and the place was flooded with Uber cars and I barely got 8. i’ll have to go back tomorrow.

drove a professor to his apartment downtown. had a ride with three dudes one of em stunk.

but the funniest was these two sorority girls who i picked up at a liquor store and took em to The Row. thats where all the frat and sorority houses are.  Half way there they realized they didnt have a place to store their booze. The original plan was to put it in the trunk of the car of one of their sisters, but they found out that she was caught up and couldn’t make it for a while.

So on the way to the house they brainstormed:

We could hide it in the bushes under the airconditioner behind the house.

We could ask one of the frat dudes to hold it for us.

We could try to sneak it in [the bottles were clanking as they said this]

Finally we got to the sorority house and they got out, bottles still making bottle noises, they got out, super tight shorts, perfume that smelled of vanilla, and they looked around for a friendly face.

And I drove away realizing exactly which women voted for Trump last November.