example #7 The Lying Hat

was checking out last night’s conan on comedy central while eating my chinese leftovers at my desk for lunch when my boss’s boss, this super dooper hot black woman who looks like a young whitney crossed with a younger vanessa williams, tapped me on the shoulder.

sonny, come with me. she ordered.

trailed her as she made her way to the elevators. everyone knows her. looked like everyone had some business with her.

“we never got that approval from IT,” someone shouted at her.

“tell em to call Phil.” she’d yell back.

“the houston guy says that he doesnt want to do it for under a thousand,” some complete babe smiled at her.

“tell him it’s three hundred or we’ll get it from mexico.”

i loved this woman. and she did it in heels!

we got on the elevator, she put her key in, turned it and pressed a button that ive never pressed before. B2. second basement. property room. otherwise known as the evidence room. at the xbi we dont really have “evidence,” we dont really go to court as xbi agents. we just have stuff that we’ve collected over the years that we use to get either more stuff or people or use as bribes or blackmail, extortion, etc.

ding. door opened. she smiled at the two guys who opened the door for her. that led down a little hall with a thick door and a tiny window. we could hear a phone ring in there. then the door opened. two more guys opened the door and had us each sign a sheet that hadnt been signed in two days. names id never seen before. when i handed back the pen, i was given a pair of rubber gloves and i snickered.

“one joke, sonny, and these two gentlemen will hold you as i pummel you,” she said. thats when they snickered.

i thought to myself, “you dont have to have them hold me down, baby.”

“i heard that,” she said. and tapped her esp earpiece.

creeped out, i started humming “hot in herrre.” by nelly, b.

stepped into one of the many evidence rooms. was instructed not to touch anything, a beanie with a propellor on the top cuaght my eye and i put it on as i followed her down the aisle.

she turned around and i prentended everything was fine.

“take that off immediately, agent.” she said.

“take what off?”

“thats a Lying Hat.” she warned.

“then it’s worthless cuz ive never told a lie in my life.” i said.

and the propellor started to spin and a tiny toy monkey appeared from within the propellor’s center, did a little jig, and just as quickly, retreated back into the cap.

“im here to ask you your advice on this new item,” she said. i kept the cap on. i wanted her to love me.

“this,” she said, “is 2-minute Acid.”

“LSD?”

“yes.” she said. “it works for two minutes and wears off.”

“i dont think theres any use for that.” i said.

my propellor spun and the monkey appeared and began breakdancing, finished with a headspin and sunk back into the cap.

“you’re going to wear out the batteries.” she said.

i took off the cap and she said, “no, no, no. leave it on. you look cute in it.”

so i left it on.

i used to think that deep down i was a boring ass, but im starting to think that deep down in just a huge jerk.

the problem is i have no patience. maybe because i think the earth will be destroyed any minute. maybe because i think the earth should be destroyed at any minute. this fall is the only exception because this fall the cubs are going to win the world series.

theyre going to win, mostly because lou pinella is a bigger dick than dusty baker.

theres lessons to be learned from dusty. mostly that nice guys finish third.

so the question is, do you want to be liked, respected, rich, semi famous, but ultimately the bridesmaid to the anaheim angels of anaheim or do you want to be the champ, even if being champ means you might have to piss some people off. jesus included.

one of my heroes was billy martin. he didnt care who he pissed off. but the little bastard won. he got fired constantly. he got in literal physical fights all the time. he was booed. he was hated. but he won.

joe torre is not one of my heroes. he had more talent than probably any leader since the ’85 bears, but he couldnt win when it mattered. its interesting to see what he will do in the post season with the dodgers, if he can bring that team there, but something tells me that hes too soft.

my real hero is my old band director. he taught me what 100% meant. he was at 100% all the time, and he exemplified leading by example. he had us marching on a 100 degree parking lot during our summer vacation and he yelled at us from a scaffolding but for some reason i never ever ever considered him a dick. others did. but i got it. almost immediately. and the entire time he was all, this wont get you to state, but this will.

and when we got to state at the end of fall, we wiped the floor with the soft bands. utterly destroyed them.

i like being on the side of the 85 bears. i like being on the side of the marching band of doom. i like being on the side of the daily nexus winning every award and collecting them in dresses. id like to do it without being a dick, though. but im not 100% sure its possible.

from my favorite music video director of all time

from our good friends at Sirius Satellite radio:

For Those About To Rock… AC/DC Radio
Exclusive Limited
Engagement Channel

When: On Now
Channel: 29

Hear the high voltage sounds of AC/DC 24/7, including classics like “You Shook Me All Night Long” and “Back in Black,” and preview tracks from Black Ice, the band’s first studio album in eight years.

The channel features exclusive interviews with band members Angus Young, Malcolm Young, Cliff Williams, Brian Johnson and Phil Rudd, who share their personal insights into their music and their career.

i know its just a marketing ploy to get people pumped about Black Ice – as if one needs any artificial stimulation – but for huge fans of the band, like moi, this is pretty exciting.

several bands have their own channel on Sirius: the Dead, Springsteen, Jimmy Buffett… i think they even let R.E.M. have a channel for a little while. the problem is you get burnt out of the artist pretty quickly. for some reason i dont know if that will happen with the AC/DC channel since they have so many records.

and theyre all oh so different.

but seriously, its exciting. i am finding myself getting pretty bored with The Buzzsaw because they play the same Kiss / Def Lepard / Skynyrd / Metalica / Maiden tunes, so it will be nice to have what i really want every once in a while, which is angus reeling off one solo after another

and those classic tunes of love.

if i were to have to pick Best Nude New Blogger of 2008, it would be a tough choice between two ladies from Ontario: Ali and Sass.

obviously there are no losers in such a decision as one should be happy just to be nominated. however i would have to give the slight advantage to Sass right now. Ali had a great blog going, she was raw, emotional, funny, hell – even nude for some of it. but then she pulled an elliott smith kobain on it which is truly frowned upon on this blog.

the first rule of blogging is keep blogging. all the chatter about this or that just might possibly be the devil himself trying to get you to click that Delete Blog button and im sorry but that button shouldnt ever exist.

i still heart ali, alot, and her new blog is really good, better than a lot of blogs out there, and its nice to see some of the pics i took of her on there, and its interesting to see a slightly different dimension to our girl.

however, Sass, despite her cutesie zucking speech stylingz is pretty hard to top right now. there has been some great improvements to her blog throughout the year, the most dramatic being that she no longer blurs out the faces of her friends.

other plusses includes videos, lots of posts, many photos, great design, and running features like I’m Not Naked where she shows off whatever shes wearing that day.

for fashion snobs like me and you, it’s killer.

then to top off an already successful summer of love(?) this week sass provided us with a no-pants sleepover housewarming photo special which showed canada in a brightly colored and diverse way that i havent seen on the blogosphere.ca in quite a while.

my only question is, how come raymi, fil, christie, et al werent in attendance?

have no fear though bloggers, theres still a few more months left in this calendar year for the race for Best New Blogger ’08, so take off your pants and get to bloggin.

posed to Raymi, starring photos from an abandoned porsche in the LAT parking garage

1) When did you start your blog, and why?

i started blogging in august of 2001 because i was bored of my dumb job and i hated life and i didnt wanna hang myself or jump off a bridge. i wanted to escape. i wanted to tell my story. i wanted to run to a world where i had some say because i had very little say editing the closed captions. i wanted to explain what the xbi was and how pissed i was that they put me on that assignment. i wanted to have a living record of what i was up to and what chopper one was all about if/when i got shot. i wanted to impress the ladies of true hollywood story, i wanted to explain that a man really could get dates when he had no car in LA, i wanted to prove i mattered.

2) What is your favourite aspect of blogging?

the absolute freedom to write whatever, whenever, and about whomever. basically if youre not full of crap you are free. ive seen lots of bloggers who find themselves stuck in corners because they have agendas or axes to grind or people to protect or appearances to keep up. but if you’re truly keeping it real the freedom is amazing and you can do some really creative things. several times a day.

3) How does your blog represent Canada?

it evokes freedom, beauty, and the rough individualism of americas 51st state. minus the royalty but extra poutine.

4) What do you hope that your readers take away from your posts?

i want them to know that theyre not alone. that they have a friend in hollywood. a magical friend who might save their life when they might not expect it. but who probably doesnt wanna have a drink with them, in hollywood. anywhere else. iowa, illinios, vancity, but not LA. i want them to know that if i can be successful by clicking and clacking on a keyboard then they sure as hell can cuz i wasnt ever any good at school, im bald im old im fat and theyre probably better than me in so many ways, thus if they start blogging their lives can be better too.

5) What tips do you have for new Canadian bloggers?

do what sass did and rip off/befriend/idolize/mimic raymi in every way possible.

6) Do you use any other social networks (twitter, facebook, etc)?

yes. but mostly to get dates. so im not doing it in the pure sense of spreading my deep philosophical ideas about. im doing it so as to inspire sins of the flesh. and to brag about the cubs.

7) Tell me a bit about your book (and others that you may be working on), and how it relates to your blog.

ive written several books. blooks is what theyre called. the first was Blook. it was crappy. then came How to Blog. that one was way better. great cover too. then came Stiff, my favorite thing i ever made. i got mad when Stiff didnt sell a million copies so i stopped making blooks. i would like to change all that and make a new one in a month or two, but id also like to work out so that the ladies would start loving me more. so who knows which one will happen. ultimately books are dumb. read things online, save a tree forest.

8) How would you classify your blog?

beautiful lies posted every day for your ass.

in fact there seems to be booing from the otherwise friendly fans at Cowboy Stadium

however i dont see what the big deal is.

am i tone deaf?

palm trees and ghetto birds zipping by the moon roof.
nearly blinded by the sparkle from her gold tooth.
juanita had a smile that would make your seat belts perspire
while mixing faith and grape juice with a hundred proof.

the sound of two hands clapping.

the sight of four legs kneeling.

the taste of eight m&ms melting.

the feeling of sixteen shot glasses clinking.

the smell of 32 cookies baking.

the thought of 64 k processing

the words one hundred and twenty eight miles per hour

and the dare of you and me

in a closet.

i also like eating my mistakes.

photo by sass, who has no pants

it was gonna be like this

“Sometimes I wish I just didn’t know anybody, so I could just sit here and say ya know what, go buy some Washington Mutual and take that yield, unfortunately I know too many people and I am too darn old.” 8/07

“Could Mortgage Crisis Take Down WaMu?” – ABC 9/11/08

“…WaMu, which lost more than $6.3 billion over the last three quarters because of growing problems in its mortgage portfolio, might seek to sell some of its far-flung assets, such as branches in New York.” – Money & Co., 9/12/08

“WaMu lowered to junk by S&P” – CNN, 9/15/08