hasnt it felt like 44 years since the last lost?

this weekend coming back from brunch we past this motel that was drying its sheets out in the air.

and i fucked up.

i told her, the only reason that i would marry paris hilton or her sister would be so we could try to buy up as many small motels that we could and make them supercool.

she was upset because apparently last week i told her that i probably am not a monogamous man. ive been successful at it, i allegedly said, but since i didnt think it was a natural activity, i was foolish to attempt it just because lots of other people went for it.

i was all baby, no ones saying theyre gonna marry paris hilton. shes got no titties.

which was another fuckup since babydoll runway model didnt have any titties either.

so as i attempted to hold her hand as i drove i told her that i had heard that motels spend an ungodly amount of money on laundry and water and soap

and i told her about the best western on the 5 outside bakersfield that had one little soap out in the room sink, but had big a soap/shampoo/conditioner dispenser in the shower

which i liked because it saved a lot of soap.

silence.

im not talking to you, she said.

so i turned on my sirius satelite radio to the maxim station and they were discussing the fact that 23% of married couples do not sleep in the same bed.

i held my hand up to her and i said

the only problem with that shower dispenser soap is it made my hands break out

and sometimes the faces these girls make

is awesome.

best + cds + of 2005

kobe scored 45 but he did it so smoothly he made it look like 25.

chris has had season seats for the last five years so its nice to go to the game with him cuz he knows what the hell is going on.

i took the subway for the first time in a very long time. it was quick, easy, and cheap, just like me.

even the transfer at 7th street was sitting there waiting for us and pulled away just as we got there.

the laker girls looked good, the beers were $10, the hustlers sold $5 beanies, everything was perfect except for the fact that we have a rookie center who scored 6 points in 4 minutes but coach phil insisted on playing mihm and kwame instead.

coach phil’s team is on a three game winning streak and last night they did beat the eastern conference powerhouse indiana pacers.

reggie miller was at the game sitting about five seats away from coach phil.

lots of commercials at the game. hadnt really noticed that before. when theres a time out they play a few commercials on the big screen. during halftime they have some games for the fans to compete in but theyre sponsored by big companies whose names get shouted through the PA about every ten seconds.

but the worst commercial is from Chevron who has three little cars that race around the video screens circling the arena. depending on where youre sitting you either miss the first half of the race or the second half. the only good this race/commercial seems to be is to enable you and your buddy to bet on who will win and the loser has to pay for the next round of beers.

the ladies did come out, in droves, sporting miniskirts and kobe jerseys and looking la-liscious. you forget how many hotties there are in this town until you go to the beach, the laker game, or star shoes.

but in a city of eight million there are nine million hot babes which you forget about when youre driving through the woods of the pacific northwest.

i ate a hot dog for dinner and fell asleep watching keith oberman’s countdown.

im gonna die if i keep eating like this.

chishikilauren + ganem + artsysf + don and jen

because we have a deal with TVT records and you know me, i always do what the boss tells me to do, so here i be.

the Bloggies is holding their nominations for all the things that they do. last year if you recall, i won “best article or post about Blogging” which earned me a bunch of gifts that i never claimed and some paypal $$$ which was nice and noteriety but the best was it was announced in front of some of my friends at sxsw and that was cool.

but now because people are axing their readers to nominate them for things, people are looking back at the winners of last year. which means people are rediscovering the post that i wrote that won “how to blog“.

and even though that post is close to two years old now, when people read that thing they either quote a line or two that speaks to them or they’ll just copy the whole damn thing into their blog after saying “this is brilliant” or “i dont believe in all of this but its great.”

but one thing they forget to include most of the time is the part where i say that if youre going to steal from anyone you should steal from raymi cuz shes perfect.

that part is so true i wonder why people leave it out.

last year the busblog wasnt good enough to win any awards probably and thats fine with me. im not a huge fan of awards because it makes more people “losers” than winners.

blogging is such a personal, experimental, exhibitionistic whisper that people shouldnt ever feel bad for contributing to this social dialogue. which is why i dont like a-lists or b-lists either.

with that said, someone emailed me to tell me two things: that theyve dissolved the “best article or post about blogging” which means that my award is rare now, or something

but theyve added “Best Tagline of a Weblog“

and this person said, tony, is there a better tagline in the whole blogosphere better than “nothing in here is true”?

of course not.

but im too proud to ask you, my readers, to nominate me for that award.

proud isnt the word. i dont know what the word is, really.

right now im not proud of anything. im tired. i have a long night ahead of me because my buddy Chris wants to take me to the Lakers Pistons game and if we get out early i want to go to Spaceland to see Rocket play (pictured, left, with cc deville).

and then i have to help the old lady with her lock. seems she doesnt know where to hide her key outside her door.

did i tell you i had to break into her house and lift her up because she had fallen out of her bed and couldnt lift herself up.

did i tell you that i saw old lady bush. and there was poop in the cat cage and she wanted me to put the cat in there and i said no.

did i tell you that she called me like ten times this weekend but fortunately i was not at home. fortunate for me because i was looking at young lady bush but sad for her because how fucked up must it be when you cant even lift yourself up into your own bed?

so because we live near one of the big sceintologey churches, and because at 92 years old the lady likes them and has read some of their books, and agrees with some of it, i said, why dont you call them up, im sure they wouldnt mind coming over in the middle of the night since theyre right up the street and awake at all hours.

and she said, no no, i want to have my life in order before i talk to them, also they charge for their courses.

and i said theyre a church, they shouldnt charge, and she said, yes but they do.

and i said perhaps they’ll give a few courses free if youre over 90 and live down the block.

and she sighed. and i said seems to me that they approach people all day who dont want to talk to them, seems to me that theyd love to talk to someone who does want to talk to them.

and she said good point.

but i dont think she called them up.

4rilla + xtx + dan + rocket

the one about the twenty year old who had relations with me.

heres the deal with the busblog. i cant bother with your issues. i cant bother with your hangups or your hypocracy. i cant bother with your jealousies or the fact that you sired daughters and are in conflict that theyre gonna give it up.

trust me, every time i write something even halfway sexy someone has to say something, and sometimes that person is my mother, and you know what i tell my mother

sorry ma, i cant bother with your issues. the busblogs gotta roll on.

at the root of the dad objection was probably the fact that i was with such a young girl. who knows maybe i was the same age as this dude. maybe i was a little younger. heaven forbid i am older, but that could be the case too with kids having kids and all.

but if the busblog stands for one thing its the end of agism. just because two people are relatively the same age doesnt mean shit other than they grew up watching the same cartoons.

still over half of marriages end up in divorce so maybe people need to revist relationships and long term commitments.

because britney and kevin are pretty much the same age, does that mean that hes gonna be a good husband to her? or even a good boyfriend?

at 113 years old, trust me, i think i could be a better boyfriend to her. but instead of people saying lets look at all the things tony is, they would say lets look at the only thing that tony isnt: her age.

so fuck that, and fuck your issues. this is the busblog where nothing is true anyways. except the truth. and the truth is i havent made out with a girl my age in a very very long time. not since junior college.

do i have any problems with women my age? no. but i dont have problems with young women either, and i find it fascinating that so many other people do.

i also find it fascinating that because the dad remained anonymous in his negative comment, he could be charged with a federal crime

who knew the President didn’t like negative anonymous commentors as much as i do?

…although, it’s my bet that the new law will be struck down as clearly unconsitutional within a month – what is it about the Repubs and their issues with freedom of speech?

just another example of the elderly always wanting to control everything.

xTx + brandice + blogfart

photographic proof on buzznet and on her blog

but i’ll take it.

twenty years old my friends, twenty.

but because im like five times that, guess what was going through my head when i woke up in her far too clean silver lake condo

how can i get out of here and watch the game in peace.

the problem with these young girls is theyre obsessive. they latch on to something and sink deep inside of it.

although strangely none of the ones ive met have wanted to talk very much about blogging.

but the weirdest thing has been not having the bears on this sunday, which would make two weeks of no bears football because who the hell cared about that vikings game. i didnt.

she asked me if she would like to meet her grandmother who likes to have sunday brunches at santa anita.

and if you saw this young woman, youd say tony if you dont say yes to everything this girl asks you youre the gayest blade in the drawer.

titties that couldnt be perkier waiting for my reply.

it was early so i figured i could miss the first game if i could be back home for the second game.

but because i hesitated and had to think about it, im gay.

so i did her in the shower even though we were running late.

mc brown in hollywood + irianna in poland + timmay in frisco + lost girls in brazil

i think my gf brooke is cheating on me

so heres the latest picture of my desk here at Buzznet.

speaking of which Lou Rawls died today. now if you had put Lou in your Buzzblog death pool you would have earned all those points PLUS youd be able to replace him with another likely subject.

this is to encourage people to enter the pool now until the 15th.

up until the 15th anyone who dies on your list gets you those points plus another pick.

its brilliant really.

people should be rewarded for adopting early.

thats one reason why Stiff will only be sold until 1/31 and then never again.

maybe one day far far away someone will publish Stiff and you’ll see it at Crown Books or whatever bookstores are around these days, but its those people who can say “i got one of the cafepress first run editions” who will have the truly valueable ones.

i wanted to stop production next week but someone said that because of Christmas he wont have any money until the end of the month. so fine. youve got till the end of the month.

im eating peanut butter toast and drinking water. i feel like im 8.

im not poor, its just that mc brown and i normally take lunch right now but hes got a meeting with an interior designer right now about curtains for the office.

thats another difference between he and i. in a million years i would never call up an interior designer for the office. but see, hes all about class, and i think interior design is scotch taping skateboard pictures all over the walls and then finding some framed nagels and nail them everywhere.

karisa said she wants to do something with me this weekend.

i want to go to vegas this weekend but i dont know anyone there who i can stay with and rooms are gonna be $$$ cuz of CES and the porno convention.

which is why i wanna go there.

that free ride i was getting from the XXX Flix went away and as soon as this other company found out they hooked me up with a deal with another XXX Flix and i gotta say theyre waaaaaay better. the shit arrived quickly and their website is way better.

unfortunately the chick i used to watch them with now has someone else to watch them with and i know it sounds funny, but watching porn alone now seems weird.

my first desk at E! + second desk at E! + third desk at E! + my desk at look look was behind those boxes

im sorry i havent written you in a while. how are you. how was your new year. mine was good. i traveled the pacific northwest in an old car in the rain.

it was so fun.

last night i couldnt go to kitty bukkakes birthday party because the old lady was freaking out upstairs.

shes 92 and i like her a lot and she doesnt want to abuse our relationship but who else can you call at 9pm when your fan has fallen over and youve convinced yourself that if you let it run all night on its side that your house will catch fire.

it takes her a while to walk to the door.

anyways last night i was helping her out and by the time i had finished everything which includes mailing her bills off, i was far too late for kittys birthday so i just sat on the couch all dressed up and fell asleep.

all dressed up for me, of course means i changed shirts

taking off the tsar shit

putting on the gwar shirt.

and i ate a peice of seven grain bread right out of the bag

not because im poor or anything, but because i was too lazy to go and toast it or put some squeeze parkay on it.

or squeeze grape jelly.

i fell asleep watching the daily show and i had a dream which really makes me mad because i hate dreams.

and when i awoke i heard the phone ringing. and it was the lady and i couldnt make out what she was saying but she didnt seem freaked out or crazed. so, and i hate this raymi for i feel you will think less of me, but i didnt listen closely to her message and i didnt even listen to the message, instead i found my way to my bed – which i still cant believe how soft it is thanks to the thousand dollar mattress – and fell asleep.

so at six am this morning she calls again.

raymi, she had falled over that night and wasnt able to get up. she had been on the floor the whole night crawling around! and when she had called last she was saying to come and help. to break a window if thats what it took.

so there she was at 6am telling me she was still on the floor and i was all, why didnt you call 911? and she said, theyve already come over twice before in the past and they will try to get me sent to a nursing home.

she doesnt want to go to a nursing home because of her cat. she loves her cat. hes pretty fat. seems happy.

anyways here in america apparently you cant have your cat in your nursing home with you.

and im telling you baby, i HAVE to get trump to go in on some nursing homes with me because this is exactly what ive been talking about: when youre old you should be able to go back to the dorms like you enjoyed in college.

and at the end of the hall, instead of an RA should be a hot nurse to take care of your ass if you need some pills or some shit.

i would start saving up NOW if i knew that it was going into paying for being able to go to a dorm nursing home during my last days.

how expensive could it be to build cool towers, have nurses on every floor, and decorate it fun and have a good time with everyone.

and its my belief that people would pay a fortune to be able to party instead of suffer during their sunset as they head to paradise.

i liked the dorms, not because of the sex and drugs and good music, but because everyone was my basic age group doing pretty much exactly what i was doing. even then i knew that that would be the last time that i would be surrounded by so many total peers.

therefore who better to hang out with when youre going through the scary lap that is the end of ones life?

so at 6:15pm i found myself outside her front door looking for a nice pane of glass to smash into with my 20lb mini barbell. i use it to keep the guns toned. oh yeah. its hollywood, gotta be in good shape since everyone else is. pain in the ass.

so i slammed the barbell into her front door and it sounded like a thud. nothing broke.

and maybe its different for you, but i havent shaved in a week, and i was wearing a black Obey touque and a wool lined green flannel shirt and baggy green pants. and lets face it i look like a gangmember breaking into an old ladys house.

so i called the direct line to the fire department and they told me to call 911 and that was pretty funny

i said my 91 yr old neighbor has fallen down and cant get up and i cant get into the house.

she said, ok, we will gain access to her apartment. now dont move her.

i was all, i just told you, i cant get into the house. thats what i need you guys for, can you break in?

three minutes later i heard sirens. seriously. these people were fast.

four fire dudes and the captain pulled out a big knife and in one wallop into the lock he was in.

he got in there faster than i get into my door with keys.

another fireman put on rubber gloves, and they lifted her and sat her in her bed and they were out of there.

true professionalism.

i asked one of them if this happens alot in hollywood, and he said its the majority of their calls.

now its 7:30am and i cant get back to sleep thinking how she was on the floor all night and i was in that soft bed. how is life fair?

so ive been reading the Post Secret book that i was supposed to review for a very fancy magazine, but if im too lazy to toast bread, you can imagine how lazy ive been about getting back to people who want me to write for them.

you know another book i loved that i was supposed to review but i didnt? Vurt. fucking love that book.

anyways Post Secret is a really good, but sad book. its the best postcards that the blog Post Secret got. secrets.

so i was thinking that finally i have a decent secret to give those guys.

“i slept in bed as an old lady slept on the floor – because i didnt listen to my answering machine.”

now i have to find a decent post card to put it on.

but what will i do with the one i was gonna send to them:

“i only had sex ten times last year.”

tell fil im about to make him some money,

tony

raymi and paige are having a party and you should go