i blame andy rooney, whose job ive always been envious of

and if theres one thing that can get under my skin its bad vending machines.

i love vending machines because i like things NOW. i have no patience. youd think a cub fan would have it, but this one doesnt.

look at this photo and ask yourself why are there Wild Cherry m&ms and not regular ones?

then ask yourself why are there TWO rows of said m&ms?

are we at the Times some weird study group? is there a shortage of REAL m&ms?

and why no Peanut M&Ms? oh, never mind that question.

but seriously, what the hell?

it would be named omg lost

if i had a boat, it would be named omg lost

if i had a baby, that babys dumb name would be omg lost pierce

people try to prove how great they are at making cool creative names for their rockstar kids, name that thing omg and then come talk to me.

almost didnt get to see lost cuz i swore i had season pass’ed lost on my tivo, being that its my favorite show and all. but alas when i got home from eating late there was no recording going on at all. bad sign.

fortunately i know how lame i can be, so i have a backup tivo rockin in the living room and it was just finishing off recording lost and dying to show me that amazing episode.

lost can do no wrong. everyone who bailed out on it are now missing out.

this season is three episodes old and its been so good i now want to go back and get all the seasons before it and re-watch them to see how they were able to get us here.

it’s genius.

if i had a tombstone, itd say omg lost

if i had a really big wart, id name it omg lost

if i had a business finding missing people via esp, id name it omg lost

if i was asked to write the musical based on my unfinished screenplay based on the classic novel by milton, the musical would be called omg (paradise) lost

does that make me grown up?

when the cougar is being nice she says that i have successfully avoided growing up for over 100 years. when shes being mean she says that im not fooling anyone.

im not trying to fool anyone, baby, i teller. ive always claimed to be an olde man, just because i dont drive a sedan and have a half dozen kids and a mortgage worth more than the house doesnt mean im trying to fool anyone or avoid anything. i just wanna have a good time.

i think tonights biz dinner will be a good time. my problem is i just dont like things on my calendar. i like being free when i am done with work. maybe this is the problem with trying to fit excersize into my late night routine.

heres what i like to do when i get home from work. i like to figure out what im gonna eat (aka which drive through will get my money), then i like to sit infront of my television and eat the food. then i like to go to my answering machine to see if an nba cheerleader or a starlet has called. if one of them has something interesting to do that night i like to think about it for one full minute and completely discount its value.

then i like to shower, slip into my pajamas, crack open a nice book, and read.

then i like to lay out whatever it is that i will be wearing in the morning.

then i flip on the wii and play that until the witching hour and i pass out.

nighttime is the righttime to decompress from the day that, at least here, includes stories of people killing themselves, killing their families, or working out ways to screw over taxpayers or citizens or people who live in the towns next to them. which is why i should probably soak in the tub more than i do.

so yesterday i took the subway home and walked the long way back to my house.

i thought about running once i got home, but when i got my mail i saw that i had my W2 in there. because last year was a rare year where i had only one employer and very little extraneous monkey business going on, so i looked up “tax calculator” on google to just get a glimpse of what i had in store for me and the crazy thing said i was gonna get like a 900 refund.

so i dialed up some online tax thing, like tax act or something and i kept plugging in numbers and before i knew it an hour had sped by and i was done doing my taxes

and i had $1,100 coming back.

i looked at my work again and everything looked right and i paid online for the tax “software” (even though it was all online), and i direct deposited my refunds and there it was 10pm and i was done.

it was crazy.

i still dont really believe it.

the cougar called to see what i was up to and i said i was thinking about eating some ice cream to celebrate. and she said, you cant eat ice cream at 10 at night. and i was all, isnt that exactly when ice cream was meant to be consumed?

she said, depends is it ice milk or ice cream? i said its ben and jerrys whatever that is.

she said you cant eat that.

and so much of me wants to say screw all of this. man has faught and struggled and done everything it can to reach this point where theres refrigeration and supply chains, and world markets, just so i can get something in my house thats delicious and safe and delicious, and because a few people wanna live 5 years later in life or fit into a pair of skinny jeans i cant reward myself properly with a deep fried taco from jack in the crack and some chunky monkey with whipped cream on top?

i love LA.

so much.

but this is ridic

the nexus was perfect. we had everyone we needed. more than enough. we had all the people. so many they were pouring out of the windows and piling up next to the palm trees.

but then seana showed up and we all were like
whoah, we dont have a seana.

when i was sports editor i lived in a tiny room in a huge house on 6850 del playa.
but it was my own room.
it had a sliding glass door so you wouldnt have to go through the house if you didnt wanna.
the best part of the house was the balcony because theres no oceanside dp house on that block which meant if you sat on our balcony you could look out across the street and there was the ocean and the moon and the stars
and the heavens.

i was thinking about that balcony as i skateboarded home after a long night of going to party after party with seana avec red plastic cups as we cruised isla vista.

after i dropped her off at her place i skated home drunk but not crazy drunk and thought of the amazing leak id take at home and then maybe passing out on the couch on the balcony.

leaked but chose to go to bed instead and as i was in bed that night i said man itd be great if seana decided she didnt wanna go to sleep, and instead got on her crazy ten speed and rode the four – five blocks down dp, slid open my glass door and crawled in this bed with me.

and its too bad that nothing in here is true cuz thats exactly what happened that night about five minutes after i had that thought.

and i tolder, great now i can finally get some sleep.

who claims she needs direction

teenage fanclub
“i need direction”
howdy
universal music group

fleet foxes dont have shhhhhait on tfc, fyi

“

locale corporate name of arena on sale date
Feb 1 Tampa, FL Super Bowl XLIII
Apr 1 San Jose, CA HP Pavilion at San Jose — Feb 2
Apr 3 Glendale, AZ Jobing.com Arena — Feb 2
Apr 5 Austin, TX Frank Erwin Center — Feb 7
Apr 7 Tulsa, OK BOK Center — Feb 7
Apr 8 Houston, TX Toyota Center — Feb 7
Apr 10 Denver, CO Pepsi Center — Feb 2
Apr 15 Los Angeles, CA LA Memorial Sports Arena — Feb 2
Apr 21 Boston, MA TD Banknorth Garden — Feb 2
Apr 22 Boston, MA TD Banknorth Garden — Feb 2
Apr 24 Hartford, CT XL Center — Feb 2
Apr 26 Atlanta, GA Philips Arena — Feb 2
Apr 28 Philadelphia, PA Wachovia Spectrum — Feb 2
Apr 29 Philadelphia, PA Wachovia Spectrum — Feb 2
May 2 Greensboro, NC Greensboro Coliseum — Feb 6
May 4 Hempstead, NY Nassau Veterans Mem. Col. — Feb 2
May 5 Charlottesville, VA John Paul Jones Arena — Feb 2
May 7 Toronto, ONT Air Canada Centre — Feb 6
May 8 University Park, PA Bryce Jordan Center — Feb 2
May 11 St. Paul, MN Xcel Energy Center — Feb 2
May 12 Chicago, IL United Center — Feb 2
May 14 Albany, NY Times Union Center — Feb 2
May 15 Hershey, PA Hersheypark Stadium — Feb 2
May 18 Washington, DC Verizon Center — Feb 2
May 19 Pittsburgh, PA Mellon Arena — Feb 2
May 21 E. Rutherford, NJ Izod Center — Feb 2
May 23 E. Rutherford, NJ Izod Center — Feb 2
May 30 Landgraaf, Holland Pink Pop Festival — March 7
June 2 Tampere, Finland Ratinan Stadion — ON SALE
June 4 Stockholm, Sweden Stockholm Stadium — SOLD OUT
June 5 Stockholm, Sweden Stockholm Stadium — SOLD OUT
June 7 Stockholm, Sweden Stockholm Stadium — SOLD OUT
June 9 Bergen, Norway Koengen — SOLD OUT
June 10 Bergen, Norway Koengen — SOLD OUT
July 2 Munich, Germany Olympiastadion — ON SALE NOW
July 3 Frankfurt, Germany Commerzbank Arena — ON SALE NOW
July 5 Vienna, Austria Ernst Happel Stadion — ON SALE NOW
July 8 Herning, Denmark Herning MCH — ON SALE NOW
July 11 Dublin, Ireland RDS — Jan 30
July 16 Carhaix, France Festival des Vielles Charrues — Jan 30
July 19 Rome, Italy Stadio Olimpico — ON SALE SOON
July 21 Turino, Italy Olimpico di Torino — ON SALE SOON
July 23 Udine, Italy Stadio Friuli — ON SALE SOON
July 26 Bilbao, Spain San Mames Stadium — ON SALE SOON
July 28 Benidorm, Spain Estadio Municipal de Foietes — ON SALE SOON
July 30 Sevilla, Spain La Cartuja Olympic Stadium — ON SALE SOON
Aug 1 Valladolid, Spain Estadio Jose Zorrilla — ON SALE SOON
Aug 2 Santiago, Spain Monte Del Gozo — ON SALE SOON

and i missed it bythatmuch

ive been trying to be good to the planet by taking the subway to work. and id do it more if it would actually come on time. they have these computer monitors in the subway that tell you what time it is and what time the next train is scheduled to be there. of course the sign said 8:45am and of course it said the next train was scheduled to be there at 8:47am but of course no one was in the station which means the train had probably come at 8:44am which meant i didnt get on the thing till 8:55 which meant i was late for work.

i need to stop talking on the phone late at night to crazy women. didnt i do this back last century? they talk and talk and i say why dont you just come over. they say its cold. i say then drive fast. they say all we will do is watch tv and pass out. i say why do you think i have a tv in the bedroom.

ive been cleaning my house lately. no idea why. ive been throwing out old clothes and getting new socks and underwear. again, for no reason. maybe im molting. something is definately wrong with me. im eating well. im walking places. im cleaning things. im not fighting when these women want to fight. im reading 3-4 chapters in the bible on sundays instead of one.

im not flossing though.

and im not dissing kroq for telling the kids that they would have the coachella lineup this morning at 7am, knowing full well that they wouldnt have any lineup, but making the kids tune in anyways. why? because maybe theyre molting too.

photo of rock group Glitter Bug circa 1989 by Kelly O’Mara