i got a sudden boost of happiness

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not sure why. and this happens several times a day most days.

i read about people who get swept by gloom regularly and i feel bad for them

nothings 100% positive. For example the screen i am typing this into shows my letters very very small and i have not figured out how to fix that. which makes me feel stupid.

do i have an inferiority complex? no. i know im not stupid. i may be very poor right now. i may be alone. i may be 20 pounds overweight and bald and without any decent job prospects that you would expect a college grad to have, especially one with the success i usually bring to my work place.

but i am not dumb. how do i know this?

i read twitter.

(wink)

lets go back to good feelings. its not a humble brag because theres nothing to brag about.

it is either the asprin i ate or the half of a bottle of warm Coke. maybe all of this is a sugar rush.

maybe i am happy because i am finally transcribing Mondays thing. which might be Sundays thing because i dont wanna wait until Monday.

some things are just luck, they just happen to you, like the time i went to a party and got dressed up and somehow kissed 7 beautiful girls. good kisses too.

that had nothing to do with me. it was luck. it was the angels saying, lets give tony something he will never forget. lets give him a taste of what Heavens like: sure you gotta wear a suit, but its just one pretty girl after another kissing you while good music plays.

i dont know much about heaven but i know this: the letters in the blogging screens up there are NORMAL SIZED

and theres rivers of cold Coke classic.

last night i spent a few hours making this

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it taught me a few things:

i need some musical instruments in here.

i need to tear down a few walls in this apartment.

i need to do these things on every podcast i do.

i need to spend more time learning how to work this software.

i need a mouse.

i need love.

i need a vacation.

i need to do these earlier in the process.

i have two looks, and that’s it

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i have one that does not give one fuck.

and i have another that wants to sell out in the biggest way.

ive done things that go against my ideals.

ive done them for money or because i want to see if the rumors are true.

and i cant say i regretted them, but i knew it was the wrong choice

and it turned out to be just as bad if not worse.

right now i am doing exactly what i want.

for the first time in a long time.

i wake up when i want. i work allllll the time.

medium paid me $5 for all those posts i put up last month.

still, i wish you knew how happy i am.

even you who writes me mean emails and plants untruths.

and you who wanted the best for me, and i dragged my feet.

i will never drag my feet again.

learned some things

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i dont know why i didnt think i was smart enough to learn

actually i do

in school i was given mixed messages.

they said i “tested well” but then they’d give me crappy grades.

but when i did well, they put me in a special room or on the back of the class

with the smart kids

which to me was just as terrible as being in a place deemed Dumb Kids

i wanted to be with everyone.

id dabbled with this piece of software and that one now and then and i just couldnt work it

but for some reason, and i know im cheating because im doing wacky things with screen shots

and iphones and Instagram Stories and air drop and

not entirely Davinci Resolve

but today i made that video, and i did the Grammy Award transition so i wouldnt get dinged by the Grammys

and then i did the Rihanna bang at the end

plus i took that picture at the beginning and the end of Jeffs book shelf

and then tonight

because jordan was on a jet plane

i did some audio editing

i didnt like a sentence i said and a few words in another place

id been playing around with the In n Outs but it didnt really come together until i did it

just

in the audio track and voila

which is french for tony,

the apes have learned how to use weapons.

this couldnt have come at a better time.

speaking of time, that video up there took me 20 minutes.

the one a few days ago took me 6 hours.

also im back using my magic office room

which Emmanuelle called “le makeout closet”

for years it was amber’s man cave and can you believe it took me 8 months to claim it back,

WHAT WOULD THE SHRINK SAY ABOUT THAT?

i feel so incredibly good that i am learning things

i feel so grateful that i have the tools that i need

and youtube

and a little time.

heres a tip i have for you and i hope you try it

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make something you love. in the past i made Lick then i made the busblog.

then use Photoshop or some graphic design software and put the name of the thing you loved next to images that have nothing to do with them,

use different fonts, party with it. experiment.

put your head on other peoples’ bodies.

then do that in video.

keep playing. play every day. forget about trying to make it good.

then all of a sudden try to make it good. but if it is bad, dont give up, it might be funny.

funny > good

know that you are working on your muscles. your brain. your fingertips.

you are creating pathways in your gray matter that will one day figure out HOW TO MAKE IT GOOD

suddenly you might have something that is good AND funny

and thats when the party really starts.

today i made a few videos for the podcast

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heres the thing

i dont like to beat people over the head with the things i make

but i do not want to be in an office job again unless all of my demands are met

and im sure they’ll say fine, just pee in a cup

and i will say but i dont wanna pee in a cup

i just want to be creative and learn things and get good at things and

make magic happen

this podcasting business is so hard because it is PAINFULLY CLEAR

that i have a long way to go and if it wasnt for Jordan i would be way back further away from the goal than i am now

like, im gonna have to get a job because we’ve done this for one month now and i dont have a lot of patreons i dont have any sponsors and we probably shouldnt count on many for at least a year

so i need to advertise

The problem is, if i advertise too much people are gonna get sick of it and me and the thing

and i want them to love it, me, and the thing.

i am madly in love with it

we’ve done 8 episodes in less than a month.

tomorrow imma write a medium post about the things i have learned in my first month of podcasting

that way i can summarize those first 8 episodes.

and in a way advertise for them

i have a few more from hollywood that we are going to roll out

and i really wanna interview this palm reader

omg forgot to tell you, my neighbors, the church, thought some hate mail was a bomb and today the bomb squad was here, and the fire dept and about 10 cops.

none of them bothered to tell us what was happening but because im mr nosybody i asked a few of them and then i texted my neighbors

turned out it was just a suspicious envelope that may have had some laundry detergent in it

but for a minute there i thought oh im gonna die from an lapd-assisted bomb explosion?

if i do die know i love you and

the memories of all the good things that have happened to me

are what fuels me every day.

i have these pictures on my wall of good things and great people ive been blessed with

and i have some spots intentionally open

bc i know good things are right around the corner

but i do need a vacation

it’s crazy what will motivate me

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if you havent noticed, im a crazy person.

im interested in so many things,

but also not interested in the things i see a lot of “successful” obsess about

things like time management and setting goals and putting things on a calendar.

i am a man with very little anxiety, and i feel a little guilty about that because as i have gotten older i have noticed how many people suffer from it in big and little ways

and yet somehow it has passed me over. thank God.

but one thing that stresses me out a tiny bit, and therefore its totally unacceptable, is having something on my calendar.

i hate it.

i want to be 100% free.

certain things i can deal with. deadlines ive never had a problem with.

we’ve gotta have shows up on mondays and thursdays. fine.

and yes i have to schedule some of the interviews because people have lives and you wanna seem professional. but still

i bet you 30% of the reason i quit having a shrink was because it totally fucked my day up by having something at 3pm on a thursday every week.

it sorta ruined thursdays because i had to think about what i wanted to say, and i couldnt book anything on those days because murphys law something would run long and screw it all up.

it was just way too much stress for the reward. which wasnt that huge of a reward, no offense to the nice lady.

but i dont have problems getting to my problems. in part because my schedule is wide open.

i am comfortable with who i am, my friendships, my self image, my place in the world.

my shrink was on me about omg you broke up with your gf that must be very hard

no. we lasted 4 years. through so much drama. and one year of COVID.

the whole time dumbass mfing trump was president.

anyone who can make it through all of that should feel like they accomplished something and i sure do.

i have no regrets. i tried everything. i did a lot. and now on the back side i cook for myself, do the dishes

AND look at how many posts i wrote for this dead blog last month. which was the point of this post.

that dumb calendar widget that i put in this blog reminds me of the days i miss.

and motivates me to have fewer of them each month.

not so i can save up for a BMW.

not so i can lose weight so Blah Blah Blah will fall in love with me.

but because i want that number to be bold and hyperlinked.

how insane is that?

i learned early early on that everyone is motivated by very odd, personal things that are often unique to them. if you can figure out what it is you can be a great aid to them.

for me, for this blog, its that dumb calendar.

right before the world ended i was interviewed

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i did it in my hallway because i still havent put many things on the walls

and it looks extra creepy.

i wore a $5 party shirt that was in the clearance rack because 4th of july had ended

but since Hear in LA launched on the 4th, i figured i should buy something to commemorate that

anyways its bad enough everyone has to listen to my voice 2x a week

but now they gotta see me too?

this podcast could really use a spokesmodel

 

do i hate everything today? yes.

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do i believe that the people on the right side of this list will do the things the left side accomplished?

no. thats not how life is.

thats not how baseball is.

thats not how anything is.

ive never seen a situation where they took all the best people, got rid of them, paid a fraction for inexperienced people and those people did just as well if not better

this is why the good book says eat the rich

put them in a stew and eat them.

eat them all.

someone was telling me the way to raise money for the podcast is instead of shaking down thousands of people for a few bucks, find one or two very rich people and work on them.

but i dont understand why if i was rich i would just give money to a weirdo and not try to influence what hes up to

are there really silent partners in the world who just trust you after all these years?

why do i think thats a fantasy?

the cubs have made so much money off the top three dudes on the left.

they just gave them away for peanuts.

my niece called me and asked me to explain wtf is going on and i told her

life is short and filled with horrible moments.

fortunately there are also really super good moments

and i asked her to tell me about her favorite one so far

and she told me about going to the movies to see the Avengers Infinity War the night before it opened

she was so happy, she said, being in a theater with all these fellow fans who loved all these characters, they were cheering when they appeared on the screen, they clapped when they said cool things.

and i said, and then what happened at the end.

the end doesn’t matter uncle tony, she told me.

i said, why not.

she said, yeah, half of the world dies, but everyone knows a sequel was coming soon.

and i said, you have just explained wtf just happened with the cubs