“patience is a virtue/but thrill is what we’re here to do”.

and i can understand why you’d think it necessarry to drag up a slutty dressed girl and her american hero boyfriend especially when the chickie won a grammy ten years ago and the hero dumped his wife girlfriend who was there while he sufferred through his cancer

ok, i cant understand it, cuz really what was the point of all that?

i also cant understand how you can give Led Zeppelin a lifetime acheivement award, which everyone knows is an apology award, a makeup award, an award that says shit we really must suck if led fucking zeppelin can churn out record after record and we were too lame to ever award them a regular grammy

and then not let them on stage during your three and a half hour tv show.

led zeppelin.

the hammer of the gods.

a band who rips farts bigger than maroon 5, and yet they get to go on stage and collect their bullshit

and we wont even talk about john mayer.

yes in a perfect world i would be in charge of the grammys television show and the dude from sugar ray would not be up on stage pointing down to jimi page and john paul jones

the killer, jerry lee jewis, would be on stage receiving his award, and the killers would not be nominated for their trivial pursuits at medicoraty.

U2 would not be allowed to sing their brand new single, a ballad that neither shows the peaks or valleys of the greatest band from ireland, and if they insisted they would be asked to stand down as my chemical romance or the arcade fire would be introduced to the world

or jack white and loretta lynn would get to sing.

i love bono and the boys but do i really need to hear another one of their mumbley also-rans that will not bring down the house, that will be forgotten before its even over, that is nothing more than a backroom deal maker that will guarantee the bands appearance – even though theres no way that u2 wouldnt show up to get their grammy so why bendover backwards to have them sing their commercial.

something tells me the grammys can find someone else to fill that slot.

i liked j.lo i liked green day i liked the mashup intro.

the star of the show, though, was kanye west whose beautifully produced performance was only eclipsed by his heartfelt and defiant acceptance speech.

the lynyrd skynyrd mess was a mess

and almost as embarrassing as what would have happened if they had let ray charles’s manager on stage and not speak.

no more makeup awards. we all loved ray but you dont give a guy all those awards just cuz hollywood made a movie about him and he died.

you give the best records the best awards and when you realize 25 years later, as in the case of zeppelin, that you goofed and never recognized your boys, you pull em on stage and let em rage.

and as much as i love guns n roses, they are not my first choice for the backup band for a fundraising mini we are the world.

bono was wrong. this was not the best grammys. last years was better. even if usher danced his tail off.

any time john mayer wins song of the year over kayne west and/or alecia keys you have a serious problem.

especially when hoobastank is also a nominee.

who even their mommas know dont belong there.

the grammys is one place where you should be able to say, oh yeah that dude really belongs there, and him and him and her and her and them and him and her.

fuckers.

raymi + science blog explains love + via doc searls

last night i took a break from dating virgins and went out with a right wing thirtysomething who has been begging me for months to take her out on the town.

one thing led to another and soon we were talking politics which is usually a huge mistake but angry sex is sometimes better sex, she told me, and i took the bait.

the first thing she tossed over was that the liberal media isn’t covering the resignation of the vice president of cnn.

i was all, is that really your biggest gripe tonight as we look down on the lights of the san fernando valley sipping from the bottle of the sweetest two buck chuck while nibbling from a baguette that we each shared.

she smiled and said yes as a twinkle appeared in her eye. debate is what she came for and debate is what she will get but surely i jested you dont seriously consider the press liberal for if they were why do you think bushco has gotten such a free pass despite being a dunderhead.

her lips parted and she wanted me i could tell who couldnt tell. the flippin cow jumping over the moon could tell that she wanted me, and she said by liberal press i mean weak in the knees press, timid and disorganized, playing by the rules that we set up for them and change at our wills press.

i said oh if they were a conservative press they would bend the rules and lie and be a cheat and steal press, or do whatever it takes press, but ultimately the chief negro in charge press

she put her hand on mine and said exactly.

i said, but even AP says jordan barely had any responsibilities at cnn. he lorded over nothing any more after restructurings, and he wasn’t in charge of anything really.

she said, but he had a glorious 23 year career with them, one that earned him an emmy, a dupont and a peabody. hes a big fish.

i said, you dont even know what a dupont is.

she said shuttup you dont either.

i said the story of the week is about the white house having a mole, a ringer, a towel boy in the press corps, for a year, and a gay one at that, from a fake new service, whose being called on by his fake name by the press secretary and then by the president of the united states is the story of the week.

she said, not the vp of cnn?

i said, unless you consider the vice president of cnn more important than the president of the united states.

she said, but he said that the military had a secret policy of killing journalists.

i said, does the military have a secret policy of killing journalists?

she said, its secert.

i said, dont you see the symbolism between jesus and eason jordan?

she nearly choked on her merlot. no.

i explained to her that jesus was crucified for telling the truth. he didnt break the law. similarily, eason jordan offered an opinion that may or may not be true.

she reasoned, well both of those men knew what they were in for if they said what they said.

her pearl necklace was tight

every thing on her was right

except for the silly little chirps floating off her tounge and into my ears all night.

eason jordan i reminded was in a closed door off the record conference, a star chamber as our friend matt welch so perfectly described it. the purpose of the conference, i told her was that so super big wig executives and power brokers and the like could say the unspeakable without fear.

her eyes arched and she said, but even barney frank expressed shock and outrage.

i coughed strange bedfellows dear. funny how you pick and choose what you decide to agree with congressman frank about. one might argue that if you consider him dead wrong on many of his other moral stances, perhaps hes morally wrong to allow something said in an off the record meeting leak out

particularily if its validity has not been thouroughly investigated.

she said, then why resign now.

i said, because you wolves hounded cbs when all of their people didnt resign immediately. now he resigns and you arent satisfied with that.

oh we’re satisfied all right, she hissed and adjusted her skirt.

and we moved on to mr jeff gannon, the homosexual who the white house hired to lob softball questions and detract the tone of the already softball press conferences, who was leaked information from the white house, who was allowed a year-long day pass into the white house after the congress denied him because of his fake degree and fake employer.

she said the president is republican, if he wants a fellow republican in the press corp doesnt he have that right?

i said, if you cared at all how history will look back at this administration, you wouldnt defend and thereby encourage such sloppy slanted behavoir.

to which she said, only the left care about what the name is and bristle when it gets tarnished

whats in a name?

conservatives, republicans, whatever you call us is whatever you call us, we’re far more interested in steering the ship and calling the shots

you worry about those other trifles all you want deary

we have a universe to run

she said

and then blew me.

like one who had done it a few time.

metafilter on jordan + metafilter on gannon + matt welch

and im still recovering. $2 drinks on a weeknight are not good things for 110 year old mens.

the band was phenominal. there was a man who couldnt stay cool and HAD to dance and i felt his joy.

at one point karisa turned to me and said how amazing it was that tsar is so much better than every band thats out there right now and i agreed and we clinked our budweisers and then ordered kamikazees and shot them and then ordered rolling rocks and drank them and i toook tons of pics

and i hugged moxie

and i got my bald head kissed by many womens and they took pictures kissing my head and i smiled cuz it made me happy inside.

and tsar played and played and moxie told me that Mono Stereo was her favorite tsar tune, but tsar didnt know that so they didnt play it

but they played lots of new songs that were perfect.

i swear this band is going to come to your town and when they do you must go because this is how its done when you know how to do things.

this is the way of the west

this is the future of rock n roll boiled down to the essentials

rock

hard

lyrics

and pretty melodies

and guitars and drums

and solomon trying to hide out but he cant cuz good shit is good shit and it sticks out like a sore thumb.

i was the luckiest man in the world last night

and when i came home i got on my knees and i gave thanks.

mc brown + moxie has a cute pic of me and her + acccordian guy

not that you need me to tell you that.

any time people ask me if i could switch places with anyone living or dead it would be him.

janes addiction was my favorite band for so long and dave was the biggest reason for that. i was lucky enough to see janes for free at ucsb, i saw them play with the pixies and primus, i saw them during the first lalapalooza, and recently i saw them on their comeback mini tour up in santa barbara.

i also saw him play with the chili peppers a few times, once during a benefit at the hollywood palladium, and once at the first tibetan freedom concert.

fucker cant seem to play with a shirt on and if i had a body like his i bet my clothes wouldnt feel worthy either.

not only is dave married to one of the hottest women alive, but she also appears to be one of the coolest. to me they make a perfect couple.

unlike some rockstars who would be happy with just sitting around counting his cash and talking dirty to his old lady, dave is one of the bright spots on the LA radio dial with his one-of-a-kind alternative radio show where he is allowed to play anything he wants and have on any guest that will call in or hang out with him.

on top of that his side band is a mecca of local music heroes who sit in with him and play at clubs like the key club and the wiltern. he gets guys from guns and roses to jam with him just as easilly as courtney love, juliette lewis and many others.

dude’s living a dream.

just as naturally he took to blogging. 6767.com is the perfect celeb blog. he writes a little about his life and oftentimes he will answer about 10 questions that his readers and fans asked him on the previous day and hes not afraid to take a stand.

he blogs with the same ease that he talks about music on his radio show or rocks on stage.

today he linked me and im on fucking cloud nine.

danielle + frozen toothpaste + gorilla

what french? the french. apparently a lot of bloggers here in LA are being interviewed for a french documentary about southern california bloggers.

of course i forgot that they were coming and so my house is super messy and i dont have anything cold to offer them. but here they are now doing whats called B-Roll which is them filming me type on the computer. this is what they will edit in for like the wide shots and stuff i imagine.

all i know is miss montreal had been over and she happened to have one of those wacky tobbacy cigarrettes with her and the whole place sorta smells funky like im some hippie.

i do know a little french but i dont know how to say i am not a hippie

even though i am.

anyhow i think we’re done here with my good pals from paris. i made sure that i was wearing my pajamas and once again i think that if blogger knew what was good for them they would market blogger brand pajamas.

whoops they want more b-roll, now with the baseball cap on.

i dont really wear the cap much inside, or the beanie, but you know thats how it is.

thank god my mom doesnt live in france, if she knew that i had such a messy place she would be bummed out that i let these dudes in here.

i wish i had studied french more in school.

i know i have a lot of readers who are in high school. first of all, whats up.

heres my advice for you: study in spanish and french classes, it will work out for you, trust me. i just met the sweetest girl on the bus who was mexican. she had what appeared to be a daughter but it couldnt have been her daughter. but she looked so young and she had such a short skirt on and her legs were so– all i wanted to say was is that your daughter or your sister but i didnt practice my spanish in school kids and so i couldnt and what if she had said all the right things like my husband died in the war and left me a widow and my cute little daughter here and orphan and i would have said thats cool just come over to my house theres plenty of room for all of us

even though there isnt, but i would have said that in spanish and it would have sounded cool

instead we just sat next to each other and smiled and she said hola and i said hola and the little kid looked at me and shied away and looked at me again and whispered hola and i was all hi baby.

it’s now much later. the french are gone. they were so cool. they had just interviewed defamer. they spent about 90 minutes with me. they had me read from “the ten commandments of tony” they did this one thing where they made me sit with my eyes closed quietly for a full minute while they filmed. it was nuts. i dont know what happened but it was fun, even though i didnt say one thing good or funny.

they will be at marc browns tomorrow to interview him too. i bet he does way better.

they liked my pajamas.

howard sterns message boards are back + emmanuelle + highways west

Your writing is very good and I enjoy reading you. I’m just a little confused about the whole virgin “fetish” you seem to have. If you’re looking for the true love of your life, she’s most likely not going to be what you think you want. Know what I’m saying? It’s kind of like Matthew Perry’s character says in “Fools Rush In”, “You’re everything I never knew I always wanted.” This is probably getting a little confusing for those of the male persuasion, so lemme explain. You’re NOT going to find love chasing a certain “type”. You’re not likely to find it at all when you’re looking for it. And you almost certainly will not find it with someone you lust after. (But lusting after your true love will come later and be the most intense lust ever.) Also, quit trying to make love to a body, and make love to a mind. I say all this with the deepest respect. Good luck in your endeavors.

– Wildcat

Gentle Reader,

Thank you for your comments it’s always nice to hear that people enjoy what I write.

As for your confusion… I am a man of many fetishes, but none include being with virgins.

I have had the opportunity of being with three virgin women in my long life. Although I cared very much for each of these sweet angels, the experience of having the pleasure of sharing one’s first encounter is something that I have never been much interested in.

All of the bizarre psychological reasons that some men find exciting in regards to being the first lover of a fair maiden dont fascinate me in the slightest. Call me crazy but I like to be with someone who knows what theyre doing in matters of cooking driving and rocking, so definately I would want someone experienced the in emotional and physical realm of banging.

Virgins arent the best ones to be on top of when you pull their hair and whisper dirty nothings while awakening the intel inside.

With that said, I’ve found that oftentimes it’s not the man who chooses his mate but the woman who chooses hers. The gentleman can approach the woman and announce his intentions, but it is generally the gentlewoman who accepts or rejects. In fact in some cases it is the woman who approaches the man to notify him that he indeed has been selected. That has sometimes been the case in my so-called life.

Longtime readers know that I aspire to be an openminded person. I try not to discriminate due to age or nationality or appearance or religion or political leaning, therefore I also wouldnt discriminate due to sexual experience. I think some young women find that appealing and consider me, therefore, a good candidate to be with on their first time, particularily since I am pretty good about not judging while beneath the sheets.

I have no idea where true love will come from in my life. If I die without finding a wife or a longtime love, and I go to Heaven and complain, I would hate for the Lord to say, “bro, we sent you a few virgins who would have been perfect for you had you given them a chance, instead you went for those flashy hos.” That’s why I don’t turn away girls that I have enjoyed dating once they reveal their past, or lack thereof.

As for making love… I think any of my past partners could attest for the fact that I don’t know the first thing about making love. What I do usually requires motorcycle helmets, padding, and large amounts of alcohol. Afterwards first aid is usually de riguor. Music is played at deafening volumes to drown out the shrieks and feelings are usually hurt and sensibilities are often damaged to the point of no return.

Why they return for more is a mystery.

coyote + xero79 + smolder

jazz keyboard great jimmy smith is dead

flagrant has a confrontation with a “dog-faced secretary with snacks laid out inappropriately on the desk before 9:00am.”

Google reinvents maps. after you’re done typing in your address, type in things like “hollywood motels 90029”

Just A Girl has a cool new layout

ms. iverson isnt having the best day. send her some good vibes.

the instapundit admits that he’s been ignoring the story about the right-wing plant who has been asking softball questions during the white house press conferences and who has recently stepped down from his post after liberal bloggers exposed him for being the fraud that he is (and for being tied to gay conservative military websites). the question is, why do you think insta isn’t celebrating the power of the blogosphere for identifying this phony and causing a congressperson to ask Bushie for an investigation? it’s only linkworthy when the focus is on CBS and dan rather? or is this simply honor among tools? developing…

anti keeps it really real.

xtraxyx celebrates the year of the cock

terra posts a cute pic of herself eating a cupcake. more cupcake pics, blogosphere!

a Google employee was fired for blogging about work? poor sap shoulda bought my book, which i understand is on sale for $19 plus $5 s/h, and it’s autographed if you get it from me. just send an email and i will send you an invoice.

bunny mc‘s appearance on mtv is aired and she makes fun of it on her blog.

raymi‘s best header yet. understated, if you can believe it.

the rabbit names dirty clowns. My fave? Scrumpler Guffawsky.

dave navarro reminds us that he’s the king of la bloggers. unconvinced? when was the last time you typed, “Not too long ago I shot some pictures of my friend, Suicide Girl, Voltaire.” or got 76 comments. or announced that your side band will be opening for ozzy?

stereogum shows us that britney, and her hubby, are doing their best to get the look of madpony kristin.

was considering putting me in the Black Webmaster Hall of Fame but there was great controversy on their editorial board because some were arguing that i dont have the html and php and blahblahblah skillz that theyd like to see for such an honor.

somehow the conversation got shifted to creativity.

someone on the conference call asked me how i get my Soul to the creative Place.

i said thats none of her business but there is a Place and it does take a little searching around to find it and sometimes you have to do some questionable things to get there but it’s like breaking through any sort of zone, comfort zone, 3-4 zone, prevent defense, virgin zone, its gonna take something different to get there otherwise its not a zone at all.

they were all huh?

i said you have to concentrate. sandy koufax said that pitching is relaxation and concentration, and so is creatitivity. id say that its relaxation and so much concentration that youre not even concentrating any more, youre just being the conduit, the pipeline, the highway, the route. your assignment is simply to get the fuck out of the way.

they asked, do you have to take drugs to get to your Place.

i said, no. i do my best stuff in the early mornings before anyone has come into the office. the xbi doesnt mind if you pop pills or smoke or drink, all they want you to do is think fast and not do anything stupid so if drugs can get you into that mindset then go for it, but if youre a doper and you fuck up you will get your ass kicked by about a dozen marines who dont play that shit. no i dont need drugs to get to my place, i just need to zone out. or zone-in as dr leary might say.

the mornings are good for me because symbolically the daytime is the blank slate that one sometimes needs to allow for Anything to happen.

i was getting blank stares through the speakerphone. these people were tech heads and i wasnt. but i was sure that even in science and engineering there was room for creatitivity and imagination and making a possibility out of an impossibility, and i asked them, isnt that so? they said yeah, sorta. and i was all, what about the dude who cloned Dolly? that was science and imagination all in one but it started with an idea then it took root with a theory based on that first idea and the rest was just mechanics. the same goes for art of any sort. picasso says i want to do cubism and once he figures out the framework and the subject matter the rest is just fill in the blanks. color by numbers.

someone said, why should we consider you for the hall of fame? i said you shouldnt. i dont want to be in any hall of fame. hall of fames are for old people and even though im 111 and old at heart im young in mind and thats where i will be for a long long time, if you put me in the hall of fame then i have nowhere to go.

and thats how i got my nomination for the black webmaster hall of fame.

reverse psychology even works on smart people.

especially once you dazzle them with bullshit.

amy + steve + stereogum

i feel like a fucking stud