dear anonymous commentors,

blow me.

better yet dont blow me because i know whats been in your mouth.

and worse i know what comes out of it.

and what drips down your chin

and what ends up in the comment box of the worlds greatest blog.

you lie that you havent been here in six months and i wonder where you get your fables from.

youve been here every day and you’ll be back tomorrow. like a boomerang, like a rerun, like crabs.

like dubya.

you criticize my blog but you dont link to yours. you say i cant write yet you misspell cock when you textmessage your man.

the only purpose you serve is for others to pass you in the street and say, at least im not that thing.

rays of sunshine draw straws to find out who wont have to shine on you

you reek cuz even your shit cant wait to leave.

sometimes i wonder why you anonymousers dont leave your email addresses. you’ll wuss out and claim you dont want spam when the truth is not even hotmail wants you.

because, yes, even microsoft isnt interested in everyone.

you say youre not coming back here and im relieved. my real readers whisper secret prayers of thanks. and the right wing blogs’ numbers go up one more tick.

not everything i do is funny. not everything i do is in great taste. not everything i write is going to be something you print out and hang on your fridge, or steal, but everything ive ever done is better than the smegma from the fingertips of the coward so pathetic that they cant find the nads to put their real selves next to their bullshit.

this page is tony pierce dot com

your comment is shitty bull blah blah

and when you die you’ll remain preserved because even maggots draw the line somewhere.

anti + the detox + crazy in la + la bound

hi little mermaid girl

hi tony pierce. i love you so please dont make fun of me.

why would i make fun of you?

oh i dont know, because my legs are stuck together!

baby, we all have our little crosses to bear. shit, im a blogger, you dont think thats embarrassing?

good point.

so can you swim fast.

see.

no really?

no i cant swim fast. im not a fish. im a little girl.

do you have gills?

tony, im a girl.

can you breathe underwater?

im going to kill you.

i was just kidding. do you like fish?

yes, i like bass, shrimp, crab. i love seafood.

no, like do you liiiiike fish, as in if you see an eel do you think oooo sex-ay?

come here so i can slap you.

what do you do if you cant ride a big wheel or skip or… even walk?

i crawl around a lot. my mom carries me. but mostly i watch tv.

what are some of your favorite shows?

squarepants spongebob, punk’d, lost, anything on cnn.

you follow politics?

i fucking love politics.

wow. well the president is speaking today. what do you expect from his speech?

lies. false promises. scary threats of american imperialism disguised as idealism where peace and freedom can only be spread via military influence imposed by the us army.

wow.

and no mention of the fact that we went to war based on wmds and found none. no mention of the fact that the election results in iraq will be counted in secret by men with an american agenda.

says who?

thats the word on the street.

thats a pretty cynical perspective from a cute little girl.

lifes a bitch tony, i just calls em like i sees em.

i think youre rad mermaid girl.

i think youre radder tony pierce.

awwww.

sk smiff + the deputy + virginia

black history month 2005

next month im going to be speaking at SXSW on the black bloggers panel.

im a very light skinned brotha who doesnt talk “black” who doesnt have many black friends who never grew up around many blacks and so therefore doesnt come across as “black” to people who havent had many lightskinned blacks around them.

which is why im perfect for such a panel, because the african american experience is as varied as a box of chocolates.

102. ray g

103. brooks

for over 400 years black folk have been in america. some say that this country wouldnt be anything like it is today if we werent part of the mix.

is that what black history month is supposed to celebrate?

who knows. seems to me that everyone not only knows, but appreciates all the things that african americans have given to this country and to the world. maybe not everything is appreciated, but most of it is.

i hate today.

i dont want to be here.

i dont want to write about fucking black history month. i dont want to be flying in chopper one. i want to be down on the ground at the beach or in a park or in my house or trying to figure out this swedish girl who really has lived in the most amazing bubble. quite fascinating.

she called me this morning and said that she liked the ac/dc that i played for her. she had never heard of ac/dc if you can believe it.

and being a born again, of course i played Hells Bells to introduce her to the dark world of metal circa 1980.

i said welcome to the dark world of metal circa 1980

she said i was born in 1980.

i said, so cute. what a cute girl. kiss me cute girl.

she said, who is that singing.

i said thats mr brian johnson

and she had distracted me once again.

so anyway black history month: mlk, the lady who wouldnt sit in the back of the bus, george washington carver, blah blah blah.

i hope someone shoots at me today cuz im tempted to shoot back and not stop.

kitty bukkake + farmer in the deli + j. mo

im not a handsome man.

and im old.

and i dont have the best lighting in my bathroom.

which means today after i shaved my head i still had some stray hairs jutting out. which of course i didnt notice until after lunch. which of course meant that the former nfl cheerleader was probably totally staring at it when we talked. and oh everyone else.

but i knew about it when the virgin girl picked me up at the xbi after work and drove me home.

the very same swedish virgin girl who kissed me on the cheek tonight, thank you very much.

who i have a date with on friday.

who i told tonight, tuesday night, that on friday night get ready for what happens on all dates.

and she said, aint gonna happen.

and i said, im sorry, but it must.

and she said, must it?

and i said, oui.

even though that isnt even close to swedish, but its all i had.

and she said, no tony its not going to happen.

and she was serious.

and i said, you mean youre not going to take your pants off on our date?

she laughed. in a good way.

then said no.

100. tomdog

101. david g

we have a good thing going.

the whole time today she was asking me about my age. how old was i.

she gave me a vodka from her far away land which made me drunk.

i babbled. i did all the things a man shouldnt do when he was doing perfectly fine when he was keeping it cool. i opened my mouth.

one may call it honesty but if you notice only one is calling it that

the rest of us are calling it dumb.

and i kept catching myself being honestlydumb but the mixture of the liquor and her she could have gotten anything off me.

she just settled for all the tsar i had

and my age.

she was all, you dont look a day over 101.

and i was all, get ready to get kissed on friday

and she said, i dont think so.

i said, sorry, its gonna happen.

and she said, we’ll see

which everyone knows means yes tony yes.

hells kitchen + eric + zen for lunch + heroine girl

a year ago

this week a new radio station appeared in LA that changed our lives

im listening to 103.1 LA’s Indie which WILL NOT for any reason stop playing pearl jam.

they, just this minute, segued from bob marleys “redemption song” to “spin the black circle”.

why?

why would you do that?

in a million years tell me how pearl jam is Indie?

they also seem quite infactuated with the pretenders.

last night we were trying to get it on and they put on “middle of the road”. i was scared that limbaugh was about to come on and tell us this whole new alternative radio station was just a big fakeout.

now its the police “born in the 50s”. now this i can live with. infact i love it. classic rock isnt gonna play that. kroq isnt either.

a niche has been found on radio, america.

its incredible!

ive had this thing on since nine this morning.

karisa called me from vegas asking what i was doing, i told her i was listening to the radio.

she asked 103.1?

i said yep.

i was thinking what it could be like to be any better. they could tell you what song you just heard, thats for sure.

but i dont want djs. pornstars maybe. politicians, celebrities, homeless, kids. but by all means no djs.

right now its got no commercials which is mighty awesome. they have all the music in the world to choose from. they did a velvets song. i heard public enemy. i could use a smidge more hip hop. believe it or not, but not so much nirvana. maybe some live tracks.

they played kiss me on the bus last night as we got home.

nearly died.

rabbit blog + kate sullivan + unknown column

some of you might not remember

the rules of commenting on the busblog.

i wrote a post about it, but the general idea, is a) tell me im right b) tell me im amazing c) tell me how much you love the blog.

disagreements should be kept to yourselves, especially when discussing the most sensitive issue that you could ever talk with me about: the failures of the chicago cubs and the fact that they will probably never win a world series as long as im alive.

for the meantime lets just agree to disagree.

those of you who think that it’s smart for the cubs to pay the orioles $10+ million to take a superstar hall of famer who hit 35 homers on an off-year, and get nothing back in return other than a guy with a broken foot and two minor leaguers – i wont call you any names.

but id like to, cuz youre part of the problem.

im thinking about boycotting the cubs over this move.

hmmmm.

and now for a nicer topic, the success of this blog. which is all due to you.

last month the busblog got more hits than any other month in its history. in fact, it more than doubled the hits that it got the year before. and the year before we werent doing so shabby at a thousand hits a day. last month we averaged over two thousand hits a day.

whats amazing about the success of this blog over the last year is there was no instalanche, there was no crazy spike, there was no ridiculous stunt. what there was was a slow, steady increase month after month with only a minor correction over the summer.

(which obviously means we need a summer swimsuit special each friday this summer)

last night i was interviewed by a lovely young lady who asked me about blog popularity. what the busblog’s success can attest to is that the best way to grow is not to suck up to one or two a-list bloggers and pander to them feeding them link-worthy posts for them to point to, but instead to build relationships with a wide network of truly like-minded blogs who will naturally link to you (and vice versa.

the problem is, if you rely on one or two big-named bloggers, if you fall out of favor with that person, then your hits drop off rapidly. but whats worse is, if you were indeed just echoing your sponsor, then you havent established yourself as anything more than a parrot and therefore if your sponsor begins to link you again, his readers will be less likely to click on you, as you are an obvious suck-up kissass and have nothing new to give to the discussion.

if however, you have been keeping it real all along, and every time that someone comes to your page they are rewarded, you will establish your own audience who will be more likely to remain loyal. once you have a base to build from, the sky’s the limit.

or you can do what i do, which is talk a shit-ton of smack, burn bridges, and put half-naked pictures of models on the page and watch the hits soar.

i keed.

if theres one thing that i can say has aided to the success of this blog this year it’s one post. one ridiculous post that i made while on a 15-minute break, how to blog.

it has been linked all over the world, it led to a book, it got me on tv, it got me nominated for a bloggie award, and it got people to read a few other posts on this blog which got a few people to bookmark me.

the other big success was due to mr wil wheaton telling his readers that despite the fact that i was being a douche and hating on him for being more popular than me (boo-hoo) he recommended that people come to this blog. so thanks wil, youre quite a man.

its sunny today in hollywood. summer has returned. it’s seventy degrees.

im wearing my long sleeve how to blog shirt. the only busblog tshirt i recommend. the others looks sorta crappy.

while we’re at it, im having a sale on my autographed books. email me if you want to pay about $25 for one, shipping included.

gregarious recluse + frozen toothpaste + low culture

i know im faking it pretty good

but my heart is breaking.

my whole life all ive wanted was for the owners of the cubs to spend a little money to get some decent players for my favorite baseball team.

this week they’ve decided to spend $17 million to get rid of the greatest cub ever.

$17 million. thats like 4 presidential inaugural balls.

sammy sosa hit 35 home runs last year in his worst season in over a dozen years. many who want him out say that he had such a miserable season because his body was deteriorating from not doing steroids any more.

(sosa has been subject to accusations for steroid use, but has always tested clean.)

many of the naysayers point to yankee firstbasemen jason giambi who became a burden to new york since he didn’t play last year for the bronx bombers due to his admitted withdrawl from steroid use.

sammy played 75% of the season last year and hit 35 home runs.

jason played 50% of the season last year and hit 12 home runs.

only fools compare giambi to sosa.

the financial benefit for the cubs “unloading” his salary? a mere $1 to $7 mil depending on how you do the math. either way it’s not much when you consider that we’re talking about a guy who hit over 550 homers with the cubs, and can easily change a game in an instant.

but don’t try to make sense of any of this, this is the chicago cubs we’re talking about here.

sosa is being run out of chicago like he caught some sexually transmitted disease while cheating on his wife.

which is interesting because when magic johnson admitted to catching the worst sexually transmitted disease while cheating on his wife, the city of los angeles comforted him with open arms and gave him a tv talk show and the keys to any starbucks, tgifs, and fatburgers that he wanted to buy.

so what does it tell you when sports fans of tinsel town are more generous to their fallen sports heroes than the once-lovable patrons of the friendly confines.

sammy sosa came to the cubs as an excuse-me superstar from the crosstown rival chicago white sox.

although gm larry hines believed in the dominican outfielder so much that this was the second time that he had traded for him, cub fans held little or no hope for the skinny scorpio who spent half of his first season with the cubs on the injured list.

doubt him all you want, the next year, 1993, sosa slammed 33 homers and swiped 36 bases to become the first cub to ever make the 30-30 club.

his reward? he was allowed to be signed by the Boston Red Sox during the strike sea

son of 1994, but it was overruled by the commissioners office because it happened in the forrest as a tree fell and no one heard it.

he re-signed with the cubs after the strike and hit 36 homers and stole 34 bases.

in 96 he hit 40 homers in 124 games and some griped that he was hurt too much.

in 97 played every single game and people griped that he only hit 36 homers. only?

so in 1998 he broke roger maris’s long-standing single year home run record. sammy slammed 66 home runs and drove in a ridiculous 158 rbis. sadly, an admitted steroid abuser, mark mcguire, hit 5 more home runs than our hero and reaped some acclaim.

but the national league named sammy the mvp of the league that season, and the cubs got into the playoffs.

the next year sammy hit 63 homers. the first time anyone has ever had back to back 60+ homer seasons. unfortunately mcguire hit 65 that year and tied him for that record.

in 2000 he hit 50, and in 2001 he became the first and only player to ever hit over 60 home runs in three different seasons, he hit 64, brought home 160 ribbies.

no cub had ever done anything like that before. not just the numbers, but the hope.

in any game that the cubs were behind, if sammy was due up anytime before the cubs had run out of outs, they still had a chance.

by trading sammy sosa to the baltimore orioles for a banjo player and two magic beans, and by giving baltimore millions and millions of dollars, the cubs are acting just like every team we’ve always hated. we’re making it about tiny amounts of money and bullshit soap opera whine fest revolving around who hurt whose feelings and who wants to wah wah wah the loudest.

poor cub fans, sammy disrespected us by not wanting to be at the last game, not wanting to deal with the misery of losing in the first season where the chicago fucking cubs were “supposed” to win the world series ever in their history.

poor cub fans, shocked that the latin superstar might be a little emotional about the meaningless game, and the team that he was the captain of, and how a large part of their failure was due to his low batting average, and declining skills.

poor cubs, forced to make due with 35 homers and the most deadly #6 batter in baseball. forced to consider the “distraction” that sammy sosa would be to the clubhouse this year or spring training vibe next month. how would they ever cope with their newly-dubbed cancer?

watching the cubs drop sosa like a hot potato for the measliest little scraps from the baltimore oriole system because of the possible turmoil that he would allegedly bring to the locker room makes you wonder if the cubs learned one fucking thing from the boston redsox who had a little cancer named nomah in spring training and on the team for most of the season, along with two choirboys named pedro and manny.

the red sox won their first world championship in 86 years with two-and-a-half cancerous distractions.

maybe they bring good luck.

cub fans celebrating the unceremonious dismissal of their greatest baseball player are being looked at by the sports world as completely insane ungrateful pouters who deserve another 98 years of drought.

sammy didn’t make $10 mil a year until his 8th year with the cubs, the tenth year in the majors. his production and contribution has been a bargain to chicago, and he brought pride and a new way to describe baseball on the northside: exciting.

and im sorry but people weren’t paying $20 to sit on a bleacher in left field before sammy sosa came to town.

this is not the way chicago has ever treated one of its great sports heroes.

they treat their gangsters better than this.

hell, they treat jerry springer better than this.

sammy sosa hall of fame superstar plus $17 million for a bagfull of shit and a mistake to be named later.

they’ve done it year after year, but this is incredibly creative, yes, virginia, the cubs have found a new way to lose.

mo + brett lamb + super jux + franklin ave

ok well your hero got a date

with the 23 yr old born again christian virgin who hasnt kissed a boy since highschool.

apparently shes never been on a proper date in her whole life.

how does that happen?

and again, let me reiterate, the girl is hot.

nice clothes, good body, great hair, pretty eyes, great personality. no visible scars. if she told me that she hails from swedish royalty i would believe it.

oh yeah, she has the cutest little hint of a swedish accent.

99. usa flight insurance

what will we do? hmmm. she says even if we do nothing it will be fun.

im thinking korean bbq (something you definately dont get in scandinavia), followed by some rock n roll karaoke, followed by a lengthy battle of truth or dare.

let me give some tips for the fellas out there.

tip #1 if you want to go on a date with a fine young woman, tell her that its a date. say, hey wanna go on a date? odds are she’ll say yes. im 111 years old. ive asked a few girls out on dates. im no puff daddy but rarely will a chickie pass up a chance to do something other than the same old same old on a friday night. so tell her whats up and that way everythings on the table.

tip #2 dont expect shit from her. firstly she owes you nothing, even if you pay for everything. secondly you dont deserve anything, no matter how big your ego is. be happy that youre out on the town with a hottie, enjoy what you have, dont dwell on what you think you want. do everything right and you’ll get yours. someday. from someone.

tip #3 pay for everything, have several plans, have a few options, have a good attitude, have a clean house to crash at fully stocked with everything including a second set of clean pajamas (because naked virgins walking around your house are cute, but it’s winter, be a gentleman).

tip #4 make a few great mix cds, have some logs chopped for the fireplace, have some cold bottles of purified water chilling in the fridge, have a few good movies tivoed.

tip #5 if she reads your blog, freak her out with a totally inappopriate gaping void illustration on the top of your post.

she just emailed me asking, “so what are we doing? how does this all work?”

i said, we’re going to eat, drink, and be naked.

which is a lie.

i rarely take off my beanie.

maizzy + happy birthday steph from southbeach!!! + moxie

coachella 05

saturday april 30

weezer, coldplay, bauhaus, cocteau twins, chemical brothers, wilco, keane, snow patrol, rilo kiley, doves, sage francis, raveonettes, bloc party, fantomas, secret machines, spoon, buck 65, and others

sunday may 1

nine inch nails, new order, bright eyes, gang of four, prodigy, black star, the faint, roni size, the arcade fire, dj krush, dresden dolls, the fiery furnaces, tegan and sara, stereophonics, futureheads, sloan, and others.

tickets are $80 for a single day ticket or $150 for a 2 day pass

full coachella lineup + danielle + leah has a new layout

when i go to trial

i hope people dress up like me and hold up signs supporting my innocence. i will hope that there will be both the young tonys with the fro and the olde tonys with the bald heads.

thnx

stayed up till 3:30am last night cuz im a dope.

this weekend i rented a brand new red mustang convertible. my little brother was in town. the rentacar place totally had my $10/day rentacar in stock but the guy looked at my paperwork and said, tony pierce?

i said, yeah.

he said, dude i love the blog. let me see if i have something else for you.

i was all, oh thats real nice but im not even 100% sure that im gonna see my brother this weekend and i dont have a lot of money, but i appreciate the thought.

and he said, yeah but its the end of the day, end of the week, and these cars are just going to sit here if we dont get them off the lot, so let me make you a ridiculous offer on one of them.

i said, does my $10/day car have a cd player?

he said yes, and we walked over to the mustang.

it shined in the sunset. its top was already down.

he said, how does $25/day sound?

i said, it sounds ridiculous.

as i was signing the paperwork i said, does it have a cd player?

he said, it has a six disc cd player.

and i was gone.

thank you enterprise rentacar.

picked up my bro saturday afternoon. drove through the valley with the top down and the sun on us. it was windy but we didnt care. had the heater on and the donnas blasting.

i took him to see the clippers and the golden state warriors at staples. we tried to get good seats from the scalpers but even though it was only 1/2 full they didnt have any decent seats. so we sat in the upperdeck and laughed at the kids.

had a good time. i have a good bro.

afterwards we drove down hollywood blvd. like the kids used to do back in the day.

it took us 15 minutes to go two blocks. he asked, is that how traffic normally is around hollywood?

i said, i wouldnt know. aint no traffic on the subway.

and even though im glad i dont have to deal with traffic, it was pretty nice dealing with a convertible.

and if my ship ever comes in i might have to test drive one of those mini cooper convertibles.

afterwards i gave the 91 year old lady upstairs a belated christmas gift. an electric blanket.

she nearly died. she said, i wish i had something to give you in return.

all around her apartment are 100 year old originial oil paintings by her mom.

she said, would you like a book? i said, sure. i took dylan thomas’s collected works. she said, would you like some sunflower seeds? i said, na. she said, take em. i took em. she said, would you like an ensure. i was all, nah. she said, a coke? i said, ok.

forgetting that she was an old lady and it meant that i would be getting a diet caffeine free coke. but i didnt care, i just wanted to get back on my computer and waste my life clack clack clacking. which i suppose is better than wasting my life in traffic.

raspil overdrive + paige taught me about canadian centralism + but she didnt tell me about milk bags