pardon me while i vent. fucking motherfucking ticketmaster fucking fucking fucking raped me again. as always as usual. howard stern gets fucked for saying hell i dont even know what he says. but ticketmaster gets to make as much fucking money as they want, mostly stealing from the youth of america.

got a hot tip while inbetween swings at this fucking chump today. he didnt want to tell us who his boss was. where the shit was. so my dude had him by the ears and kept bashing the back of his head against the wall.

he kept saying fernando marquez.

i was all its not fernando marquez beat his ass more. so he beat his ass more. blood was slowly building between his lips. but bro never stopped his stupid ass one gold toothed dumbass smile.

i said my fake name is fernando marquez motherfucker. thats where youve heard that name. im the fucking man. he said jess i know jew the fucking mang. so i said give me something else then give me something fucking else. give me a warehouse address give me a combination to a safe box. give me something.

and only in LA would some fucking straight off the boat, no check that, straight out of the back of a fucking tijuana pickup truck would some asswipe say

the pixies will be the special guest for the Coachella pre party at the glass house in pomona.

my dude had his dick out he was about to piss on the cuts he had carved on the fuckheads arms and shoulders. i work with the classiest gentlemen, i know.

i told my dude to chill for a second. he kept his dick out and took a long gulp of the half empty miller high life.

got back from the van and dialed up ticketmaster. i didnt see it. i said i dont see it you fucking lying sack of shit. dont make us both piss on you.

he said go to my homepage. he gave us his url and there it was.

pixies live in a small club.

so i got online and i fucking had to sign up to ticketmassah again cuz i hadnt been raped by them in so long, and there they were, two tickets for $30 each. i told my dude to untie the mother.

the only shipping options that ticketslavey offered was 2-day ups for $20, or 3-day for $15, or will-call for free. even though karisa doesnt ever have problems with will call, most los angelinos know that thats a fucking trap.

will call is the line that suckers line up in if they want to miss the show because EVERY fucking media motherfucker is getting in all the shows for free and they get their tickets at will call and theres never enough waiting for them, and they always want to talk to someone important and that asswipe is never around and its drama and the line Never moves. ever. if i ever wanted to take pictures of well dressed hollywoodians pissed off it would be in the will call lines to shows.

my subtotal was $95 because somehow Ticketmaster is allowed to charge $12 “convienence” fee PER ticket plus they get to pretend that UPS charges $14 for a 3-day delivery. fuck them and my lifelong devotion to the politician who calls bullshit on their monopoly.

but i will get the tickets delivered by monday probably, even though i wont be at home.

and we left the motherfucker bleeding and nude on the corner of western and hollywood blvd and he didnt bitch because he knew that he should be dead.

and then someone emailed me to tell me they sent me some money and that was super cool but i was all like what am i supposed to do with this.

and then someone else asked me to take pictures for them for $200 in a few weeks but my cameras broke. and now its 4:20 and i just want to go home but i cant because we got a call that theres a naked guy at the hollywood police department yelling xbi xbi which means we have to shut someones mouth. forever.

and i will tell you this about peer-to-peer networks. i seriously doubt i would have paid $100 out the door to see this band if i hadnt downloaded their Minnesota show of a few weeks ago, their first show in years and years and years – and was amazed at how great it sounded and how many songs i remembered and loved and loved and loved.

even if they forgot to jam the one about the superhero named tony. i believe its called tonys theme.

we are full of shit + britcoal + kitty bukkake + sk smith

but yesterday i got what might have been a drunken email asking me about my relationship with ms flagrant disregard and whether or not i had pissed her off.

dear drunken emailer, i have no idea whether or not i have pissed our miss splinky or not, but i doubt it.

the emailer also complimented me on my sports blogging, of which i proudly accept the kudos.

next time put your name at the end of your email so i can address you personally.

a commenter named Ian said he would fund my trip around the country/write a book/take pictures project as long as i didnt bushbash. if i accepted that i would be a sellout.

so im a sellout.

i would travel around the country and write about it and include a chapter or two about politics for $30k

i would travel around the country and write about it and not include anything about politics for $40k

send your check(s) to

Pierce

4845 Fountain Ave. #15

Hollywood, CA 90029

what im thinking is a big book, each page would have a big picture on the left, and text on the right.

simple.

people have written in and asked why i havent talked much about the Lakers.

easy, cuz their season only just began.

their preseason that is.

and once they get done with Houston, their real season begins.

j-mo + danielle + science blog

its a chipotle burrito. chipotle i believe is partitially owned by mcdonalds.

if you remember the second season of the Osbournes, ozzy became addicted to a particular burrito. it was the chipotle burrito from the beverly center in beverly hills, where i got this particular burrito from.

i get the shredded beef mild salsa black beans sour cream and cheese.

its a big fat burrito that lures you in with the spiciness and keeps you hooked with their magic ingredient that i can only describe as love.

when Senior Vista’s opens up in Isla Vista there will be a burrito that i will call The Ozzy which will be curiously similar to the burrito that i am nursing right now that i would marry if it could only clean up a little around the house.

if only chipotle toasted their burritos After they wrapped them for you, so as to lock in the magic and melt the cheese oh so slightly.

of course i will have to invent a post-burrito toasting machine that is curved but that will be the least of Senior Vistas worries.

getting closed down for having bikini girls working the happy hour keg will probably be my biggest hurdle

because i wont be hiring any bikini boys

thus sexism

thus a huge fight

thus i will have to pay off people to look the other way

etc.

martsanz + jarret house north + steph does south beach

got chewed out for killing a perp this morning. i was all, this is what we do. they were all this isnt what you do. youre supposed to fly the helicopter and tell us where the dude is. i was all sometimes im the only guy there and its a clear shot. and they were all dont do it. whatever you do, let the other agents do it.

so steer chopper one around is what i will do and i will collect my paycheck and i will keep my thumb off the “laser” and i will look at the pacific and the mountains and the swimming pools and think of what i will do for a living in the next few years. cuz it aint being undercover for much longer.

i drove to work today in the cuban girls car. i almost want to take the bus tomorrow because i only have a week left to read the rest of the basketball diaries and i have to read it in order to teach it.

wednesdays are rough days for me because i get to fly around in the morning but then im supposed to have “office hours” where other members of the agency get to ask questions of me and go over plans for the next few weeks and next few months.

its good for everyone to be verbally in contact with each other, and it has cut down on errors and miscommunications but its a royal pain in the ass because theres no set schedule and most of the people, except for danielle, love to come down either right when i want to take lunch or right when im ready to go home. thats so not cool. and then theres the people who dont come down at all. and of course those are the ones who make the most mistakes.

i just want to drive around the country. how hard is that. i just want to write and take pictures. i could do that anonymously. i wonder if i could get a book deal based solely on this friggin blog. would people buy a book of a guy traveling around the country writing about america and taking pictures? probably not. plus i got nothing to say. plus im not some blonde bellyshirt wearing chickie and im not someone whos got dirt on michael jackson and im not someone who has dirt on the president of the united states of america.

i dont want to have dirt on anyone. i want to write a book about america and tell people that america is ok. i want the world to know that most of america doesnt get shown on tv. that most of america are people living in cul de sacs or drive fords.

that most of america, probably, couldnt give a rats ass about janet jacksons nipple. or about weapons of mass destruction, or even about howard stern for that matter. its my belief that most of america doesnt want anyone telling them how they should feel about things, or what they should be protected from.

but i dont know

which is why i want to meet them.

and then take their picture.

and if theres young women out there interested in kissing a real life b-list blogger, well i suppose with the right amount of wining and dining that might be arranged as well.

as long as afterwards they continue to say nice things about me.

ive had g-mail now for a week and i still love it.

hobo chic took a picture with ferris bueller + twenty-somthing + madmathias

got to work and they sent me home because i had earned too many vacation days so they told me to burn one.

i didnt know what to do.

so i went to the new target in hollywood.

all i needed was toilet paper and some sticky grip tape stuff for the bathtub so no one slips when theyre taking a shower.

and maybe some two liters.

left there with a receipt that said $180. i remembered that my dvd + vcr had stopped dvding months ago and the vcr had begun to eat tapes.

got a combo for $110. go video.

there was a time when i would buy nothing but relatively high end audio and video: mitsubishi video, denon and sony audio. but when you can get a dvd/hi fi vcr for $110, i really cant afford Not to buy two a year.

what i can never do, however, is throw away the broken machines. i have a problem.

my baseball card collection closet is being upstaged by what is begining to look like a dvd mausoleum.

theres a jvc first gen dvd player, the apex one that had the macrovision mod chip in there, a mits hifi vcr with jog shuttle remote, a panasonic hi fi, two direct tv receivers one with the first gen access card, and my brother in laws powerbook.

and now a magnavox dvd + vcr combo that my ma got me from target when we all hung in palm springs.

after target i went to the good guys and tried to get my camera fixed for free since i had bought the extra warranty.

they said they couldnt fix it for free because dropping it on the ground is not covered.

looked at the big screen tvs. huge. two grand. its amazing.

then i went to beverages and more and got some tequila, some sam adams cuz i think im hanging out with karisa tomorrow, and a huge thing of sour mix for amaretto sours which i crave because i havent been to vegas in far too long.

i almost bought gasoline on the way home, but it was two dollars and eleven cents at the cheapest place i noticed and i at least want a free carwash if its gonna have to be like that.

when i got home some guy said he’d paypal me ten bucks under two conditions:

1. it didnt go to the car fund

2. i put up a new picture of ashley

and then i got caught up talking to the 91 year old lady upstairs and now i cant go to the rock show.

now im printing out your pot stories cuz i was explaining to her what four twenty meant and then that led to this and that and whatever.

she was watching celebrities uncensored.

lick bush + bill gillespie + noah glass

i would have thought of this earlier.

so maybe you at home can play along.

this will be the first time that i have encouraged anonymous commenting, but as clipper girls cousin told me last night, i need to mellow the fuck out.

and what a better day to start than today?

since today is four twenty i’m going to write about the first time i smoked pot and if youre so inclined, youre going to tell your first time, anonymously if you like, in the comments.

but tell the truth.

or you can tell a funny story or an interesting fact.

but before i do that, tonight at the derby outright genius Mark Antonides at 9pm, The C at 10, and the debut record release of Shapes of Race Cars, dylans new band.

or you can see cypress hill at the henry fonda which is sold out cuz its four twenty.

the first time i smoked pot was in scott speidens garage in seventh grade. i have very few memories of seventh grade but this one is crystal clear. we were standing in a circle. it was fall. we were listening to ted nugents dog eat dog. i got the joint and i inhaled and passed it around and got it again and inhaled and i didnt get stoned.

i thought there was something wrong with me or maybe i hadnt done it right, but i walked around and tried to pretend i was stoned for a few minutes but then i went back to the party.

the first time i got stoned was with a big titted bisexual punk rock girl named myra at her place in westwood. she rode me there on her vespa.

we watched late night music videos and made out and smoked out of a beer can.

in those days you could just make out all night smoke out of a can make out and watch videos and everyone was happy.

then i went to uc santa barbara. ucsb. u can study buzzed.

before i went there i really thought that if i was at college there i would be able to study more because it was on the beach and away from the city.

i studied alright. once while camping my hippie friends thought it would be funny if they put some acid on my breakfast graham cracker.

i woke up and had no sense of time dimension distance or reason.

i stared at my hand for maybe a half hour.

late late late that night someone passed around a joint.

it was so late that it had become early.

and the sun came up and we passed out listening to pink floyds wish you were here.

and it wouldnt have been the same without that natural herb.

mark antonides + shapes of race cars + dylan + monty

reminded the world of the cold hard fact that alas i am not one of the vaunted members of the technorati top 100 blogger club, but said i should be considered an a-lister nevertheless.

with all due respect to the learned gentleman of letters, and a fine example of the gentle wisdom of californias central coast, i will have to disagree with him on this particular point.

one must draw the line at some point. i love technorati. i am saddened by the brutal truth. but the fact remains that in blogging, just like in life, i am merely above average, and by no means excellent.

the scoreboard doesnt lie and in a blogosphere where fark is #10, metafilter is #17, wil wheaton is #20, the smoking gun is #43, lileks is #50, belle du jour is #65, rolling stone is #70, ev the president of blogger is #97, and wonkette barely squeaks in at #100 – where the heck do you think dumbass tonypierce.com + busblog is going to fit in?

not that i care much, the only reason i do this is to get laid, create lies, and have an outlet to remind whoever will listen that not everyone in america is buying the bullshit thats being shoveled on us from washington, but there are several forces aligning against the busblog having a better rating in the links and the hits columns.

my peers, for the lack of a better word, are hipsters. smart, creative, independently minded cynics who do things like think about the politics of linking a “popular” blog like this one. some think, why link tony, everyone else does. why link the busblog, thats like giving into the establishment. or why encourage tony, it’ll only feed to his misogynistic ego.

then there are the firewalls who think that theres porn on the busblog and wont let their employees access this r-rated (but not x-rated) flurry of swear words, misspellings, but rarely nude photographs. which is ironic because if this page did focus on nude photographs odds are itd be as popular as the 6 suicide girls pages that are rightfully in the technorati top 100, not to mention their news page which ranks #4.

i could go full bore politics during the stretch of this next election and start linking and kissing the asses of the quote unquote a-listers whose occasional links would inflate my currently respectable, but ultimately failing numbers

but at what cost?

and what sort of example would i be leading?

underneath every good blog is a theory and an experiment.

on drudge’s the theory is “we can convince smart people that this is the real news of the day” and the experiment is “how long will it take the republicans to realize that their #1 radio voice is a druggie, their #1 blogger likes men, and their #1 tv host is al franken’s best publicist.”

on this blog the theory is “wordy prose and pictures of hot chicks will outweigh the fact that the author is neither good-looking, successful, or talented” and the experiment is “despite that, after years of panhandling, a dedicated blogger will be able to have his readers paypal him the equivalent of a new car and he wouldnt have had to sell out an iota.”

yes i would like this blog to be read as much as wil wheaton’s, but he was in stand by me, people love him in stand by me.

i cant compete with the kid in stand by me.

how the fuck am i supposed

to compete

with the kid

not cory feldman and not the other one who dated guiliana depali

and not river phoenix

and not the fat kid who barfed

in stand by me.

dirty fez + lick blog + blogging.la

please accept my apology for snapping at you in the comments of my last post.

the last thing i would want to do is offend a good natured reader, especially one from canada, our neighbors a la nord.

things are a little tense down here.

i dont want to believe it, but this motherfucker might just win again.

i see him on tv and ive never seen anything like it, but then i remember that i used to feel the same way about his old man.

ive had to put horse blankets over my bullshit detector because any time he fucking opens his mouth it starts overheating.

and ive never been a kerry fan. i still dont know how dean fucked up but apparently he did and so now we’ve got kerry and i watched him on meet the press yesterday and the man was good. he was reasonable. someone said all he has to do is smile and its his.

but then i saw the president on tv today in pennsylfuckyou somewhere and he was smiling, and the people were clapping, and there wasnt one person who yelled out fuck you you fucking liar whys my kid going to your fucking war

instead they just laughed and clapped and that motherfucker just kept on smiling

the only thing that pisses me off more than negative anonymous commentors to the busblog are people who claim to be Christian who try to use that as a way to identify politically with something.

Jesus said give to ceasar whats ceasars which to me means, keep your damn fucking money, keep your stupid fucking politics, keep your fucking ideas about what love and faith are: im talking about a better place where pussy power and dead presidents dont factor in at all.

the idea that there is a Christian Right in america, other than the klan, with greater control over the future of this country and therefore a huge influence over the world gives me the same feeling that i would have if i opened a door and saw rush limbaugh getting it on with my mother.

meanwhile, with as much love that i have for canada for giving us neil peart, triumph, pam anderson, neil young, phil hartman, michael meyers, strange brew, oscar peterson, and chong it pains me to see you progress quicker than america the beautiful.

its bad enough that you figured out socialized medicine before we did, but did you have to rub it in by legalizing weed too?

my head usually isn’t as far up my ass as it must have been today, but you were correct in pointing it out, and i apologize for not being more greatful.

i blame the president.

tell me that most of the girls up there are like raymi and i’m there in a heartbeat,

tony

the second hottest chick at the xbi just got a blog + doc searls quoted me + ashman’s blog

yes i do have a question for you.

i have lots of questions for you.

my first question for you is which of those rifles do you think Jesus would buy?

second question: dont more homosexuals frost their hair than heterosexuals?

third question: what are you doing with your hand in your pocket?

fourth question: what does being American mean to you? does it mean hating everyone who is different than you? does it mean trying to pass laws to prevent those people from living their lives?

fifth question: shouldnt you have an ozzy shirt on?

sixth question: unless your parents are jewish hippies, when you completely align with your parents in your teens you push back the normal period of rebellion into your college years.

do you realize that means that you will be listening to clay aiken on your 21st birthday and fugazi on your 22nd? thats like putting boiling water in a glass pitcher of ice.

do you realize youre about to crack? and you’ll be armed?

seventh question: shouldnt you be smoking weed, beating off to paused tivoed frames of jessica simpson’s cleavage, thinking the offspring are punk, and losing at online xbox games?

yes, canada, this is whats growing up right next door to you.

we can only hope he meets the right girl who slips him a little acid and takes him to prince concert.

or better yet, meets a boy.

aint no bad dude + karisa’s college apartment + annika flatters me