today we are going to have a virtual memorial service for amber

ive been looking at pictures all week bc i am a crazy person

i miss her very much.

i get very emotional.

this astrologer lady says im gonna get into some fights in the next few days

so im thinking i should probably limit my social media usage

and maybe not uber

bc im so sensitive right now i dont wanna get in any fights

gonna cry like a baby later today at this memorial, i know

i wish i had done better

we spent sooooo much time together trapped in the apartment during covid

i miss her

so much

Amber and I were together from the entirety of the Trump administration. She moved in when he “won” and she left during the Insurrection. We were fighting and I turned on the news and I couldn’t believe what was happening.

She was all, is that more important than us? I was like, they’re trying to hang Mike Pence!

Speaking of drunk, we texted before we dated. During that getting to know each other she revealed she was sober. So on our first two dates I took her places like concerts or ballgames and I didn’t drink either bc I didn’t want it in her face.

I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t have my liquid courage. I realized I hadn’t made a first move on a date completely sober since I was in high school.

But also I feel most of my dates also included the woman also getting loose in one way or another to deaden the pain.

Finally we were at a Kiss concert and the two story lights flashed Kiss during Black Diamond, so I went for it. During that time she also wore very high heels. My first gf was tall. I didn’t give one bleep.

My mom wants me to cut down on the swear words.

Yesterday she reluctantly gave in to a 90 minute podcast with me.

We talked about giving birth to me, the men she dated when she got divorced, if men were pigs at work to this 31 year old newly single brown skinned woman [spoiler: “so many of them would have been Me Tooed”].

Next week I’m gonna edit it and put it on YouTube. I feel weird about Spotify. I’m an idealist, why am I letting Spotify- a company who steals from my favorite ppl: musicians – hold my most prized possession, my podcast?

So I’m going to make sure my YouTube account gets some of these side interviews I’m sure I’ll do more of in the future.

I only cried a little over Amber today. Once when I was driving my mom to get her nails done. She was concerned we would crash.

I said, Amber knows I’ve still got shit to do down here. She’s looking out for me.

Language Tony! My mom huffed.

as you probably know, the xbi does not allow me to be in long term relationships

but for four years i was able to get one exemption after another

to the point where i feel like they wanted her here with me

and i could see why, i ate better, i was doing things that they probably liked

and i wasn’t dating any of their enemies

we all knew the hammer was gonna come down, and for it to happen at the same time as the insurrection was mighty dramatic but if anyones a drama ho its the xbi

some things have not changed at all in this apartment and ive gotta fix that

for example her office is pretty much the same

but the worst is my damn icloud shows me pictures of her all the time – at the worst times.

i delete a bunch and then a bunch more magically appear.

i must have taken thousands of pictures of her.

do i know where she is? no. have we been in contact no.

normally that would be a good thing. but in this case i think its best for both of us.

typically i like being in touch with my ex gfs, they were super important to me and i value every relationship i have been in. every.

but sometimes, especially when youve been tied at the hip it’s good to breathe a little and im sure she is enjoying her freedom because i admit, i was a bit possessive with her free time.

i didnt realize how much i was until she was gone.

lately ive been going to one movie after another. something i wouldnta done in the past bc i woulda wanted to see the movie with her, talk about it, and as we would drive home she would read the LA Times review of it aloud and we would either agree or disagree with it.

whereever she is i hope she is happier than shes ever been.

i hope shes safe and healthy and living the life she always wanted.

she deserves it. shes a good person.

i will see a video of hers or a IG story of mine

and i will hear her laugh or how she says something

and it will make me cry

she picked up most of the rest of her things today

she gave me heads up so i drove to santa clarita

my phone notifies me when the security cam goes on

and i saw her enter the apartment and that made me cry

how will she survive?

she made me food, cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes before she left

we had the sweetest relationship because we knew it was doomed

so i did all i could for her

and she would do nice things like that

i want to save her so badly

she is so good inside

the world has been so fucking bad to her

but i cant get in there

the demons have built the most complex wall around her

any time i got close they would yell at her to make me stop

i talked for a long time tonight with AJ and then Chris hepburn

im crying now

its nice to have some more space in the closets and drawers

but if she came back next week it would be damn near impossible for me to say no to her

because i do love her

very badly

even know things are

very bad.

let me look it up, yes here it is first kings first chapter second line

Therefore his servants said to him, “Let a young woman, a virgin, be sought for our lord the king, and let her stand before the king, and let her care for him; and let her lie in your bosom, that our lord the king may be warm.”

and sometimes i’ll look at my odometer and then i’ll look at amber’s and i’ll think, did my servants give me this virgin so i could be warm?

then i remember im not king of shit

and amber is not the type to lay in anyone’s bosom for too long

let alone a blogger

but she does take care of me.

right now im eating some peas and carrots, potatoes, and crumbled beyond beef.

her goal is to feed me 5 different vegetables a day.

the beyond beef should count as one, maybe two.

for some reason she wants me alive for a few more years.

i do look good without a shirt