have you ever gotten super close to getting a few jobs

while on unemployment

while dudes with face tattoos are sporting brand new jackets and $300 shoes?

dont cry for me argentina. unlike my nephew who plays xbox on easy mode

because he hates to lose

i go straight to the expert mode

because i hate charity.

today i was on hollywood blvd. my home. and everyone was so photogentic

and everyone lets me, a perfect stranger, take their picture

they tell me where theyre from they tell me the greatest stories

one guy wanted to share a joint with me

invited me twice as he sat at this little table rolling a thin one for himself.

you want some of this spliff dont you?

i was all, whats that round your neck?

he said, a mask?

i said yes, we are wearing masks because of the wickety wickety 19

he was all, thats ok, this shit cures it.

and if i was an angel thats exactly what i would do

id fly down to earth with a cure in a joint and see who goes for it.

then when i flew back home id get grounded probs for fuckign with the butterfly effect.

but being grounded in heaven is like having your best day ever in cincinnati.

there are times when its scary to blog

and those are the times when you know youre alive

demons dont haunt the heads of the dead.

for a while there were sooooo many bloggers. this one. that one.

lots of them kept it real and those were nice. and then there were those who just bullshitted over and over and youd be like, are you serious?

and maybe they were but i dont think so.

i think after a while people like all the attention and comments and ad sales and fighting

but i dont.

i like peace and love, tranquility and ease.

which is why when its scary to blog, i need to remind myself that one,

no one reads this any more (good) and two,

people never think that your weirdo little secret shame is terrible. unless it is terrible and in that case you should seek help. but i read tons of blogs back in the day and no one was copping to super bad shit. nor should they have. most people are decent folk who feel bad over small things.

the trick is to not let those small things hold you down forever.

and thats the shit they should teach in school.

i have not been having the best luck with the job search. companies who should be knocking down my door wont even text me back. if i didnt have this incredible excess of confidence and Trust in the Universe, i would be panicking right now.

heres what im thinking about doing in the very near future if i cant get some nibbles on my resume.

im gonna get a charlie chaplin bowler hat and a cane. and then an old suit thats too big for me. and some white boards.

im gonna dress up like chaplin and go to hollywood blvd with a camera around my neck and a tripod with a big black sheet hanging from it. like old school camera setups had.

one white board is gonna say “let me take your picture.” and there will be little “free”s all around the words. maybe there will be a huge price tag taped to it that also says Free.

and it will be free. because who doesn’t love free?

I will flip the white board around once in a while and it will say “I will send you the picture, also for free, via email.”

and i will. because i am a genius.

i will take a few pictures of the people. posing. not posing. sad. happy.

i will not speak to the people. i will show the facial expressions with my own face. which will look like a mime charlie chaplin, btw.

i will also point with my cane. one thing i will point at is an ipad where they will give me their name, email address, and order number. their order number will be the number that i will write on a movie styled clapboard. i will take a picture of them holding that clapboard before i take the actual picture. that way i know who to send the next picture too.

after they enter the order number on the ipad, a screen will pop up and say, “would you like to tip this fine photographer?” and there will be options $2 $5 $25.

next to the $25 it will say Best Value

but i will treat everyone the same. i love people. and i love hollywood blvd. and i love taking pictures of people.

if they dont wanna tip thats fine because later that night when i get home i will email them their pics and in the email will be direct links to amazon and paypal and venmo and they can have one last chance to tip me. and if they dont so what.

anyone who tips will also get a thank you email. and on that email it will say, you are a wonderful person.

it will also say, because you are wonderful, you are qualified to be in a book that i may have out one day.

additionally: i have a secret instagram for all of this. if you would like to be on the instagram click here and if i have your permission to use this picture in a book one day maybe click here.

and i bet they’ll click there.

if things go well i will dress up as different types of people to mix things up.

tomorrow, for example, i would dress up as a french man. beret. striped shirt. i will point with a baguette.

my fear is someone may want to steal my camera. so i will have it around my neck. not sure where i will store the ipad.

also not sure if i should have props, so if people want to wear a funny hat they should be allowed to.

but i want these to be sorta nice 50mm portraits that they will actually like,

that will look good on a secret instagram

or in someone’s house as a fond memory of the time they got their picture taken for free

on hollywood blvd

by a dude in a boba fett costume

who never talked, but pointed at things with a baguette.

when i get my star on the hollywood walk of fame

chris rock, chris farley, adam sandler and a nice lady laughing

dont expect me to strike a pose.

i really like him, but what the hell has chris rock done to get a star on hollywood blvd?

he made one really good hbo special.

he played a convincing crackhead in new jack city.

he was funny as buckwheat on saturday night live.

that gets you a star these days?

karisa was supposed to come over tonight. then she remembered that tonight was her night to read to the blind at the library.

i was relieved because i didnt want to clean up tonight, and i always do when she comes over.

i especially didnt want to clean up because my maid is coming on friday and i didnt want her to feel unneeded.

shes so cheap it’s ridiculous, so i tip big.

youd think that that would encourage her to pay a little more attention to the dishes, but no. it doesnt.

all the guys at work think i should rent a car and drive somewhere for my vacation, but i just want to hang out at home and take it easy.

and do my taxes. and clean out my closets.

and upgrade my computer to xp with a 2 gig chip.

and get a physical.

and read and eat and sleep and sleep.

friday night me and karisa are going to jeanines new condo.

jeanine is having a little party.

if any of you party people who know jeanine dont know, shes having a little party at her new party pad.

metafilter had a discussion yesterday about the new beastie boys antiwar song.

it got tons of comments throughout the thread.

i didnt write anything about it because it’s a pretty bad song.

but i totally think that if chris rock deserves a star on hollywood blvd. then the beasties deserve three.

bunko squad + canadians are smug + winkie.org