has this been easy? no.

tons of uncertainty. financial pressures. emotional intensities. and now there are fleas in the house no matter what we do.

we bombed the place. we gave the cats meds. we even took them to a pet hotel the other day so the flea bomb dust could settle. when i brought the girl cat in from the car to the apartment she pissed herself in her cage. soaking herself. how that much pee was in one little cat is amazing.

then they slept for an entire day.

jeanine just called. drunk. i dont know what to do about her. she has had a very tough life. very tough. then a year ago her new husband died. it sent her down a terrible spiral. so many of us went out to Las Vegas to visit her and give her everything we could. our good friend barney even went out there and spent a week with her and finally drove her 8 hours to go to rehab.

but here she is drinking again. you can see why if you ever visit her. the apartment is like a memorial to her dearly departed. his stuff is everywhere. memories are literally wall-to-wall. she says she hates vegas, so i say move. she says she will never get rent as cheap as she has it there.

i disagree. sure rent in vegas is cheaper than it is in LA, but anything is cheaper than it is in LA. yesterday my man Roy was telling me about properties in Joshua Tree that a friend of his has that are empty because they are meant to be Air BnBs. I told her that she should consider JT where she could work, do jewelry and maybe even work at a restaurant and cook — shes probably the best cook ever.

but instead she drinks. and drinks.

what can i do? i can pray i guess. i will pray.

many many years ago jeanine and i went to hawaii

maui to be precise.

we had no money. we were fresh out of college. i had lost my job working at Sears!

little did i know but i would soon be hired by Philips/Magnavox to train all the electronic salespeople – including Sears – how to sell our fine line of personal electronics and televisions.

but we had this vacation planned so we went off and did it and it was fascinating because neither of us had been to maui before and we were in love and love tames the wild beast or something

even back then, when i go on vacation i dont wanna do shit, but jeanine was so full of life, she was all, LETS DRIVE UP THAT VOLCANO AND WATCH THE SUN RISE

i was like fuck that!


i was like, girl i grew up in the midwest, you dont think ive seen a cow before?

and we got up early, drove up mount halakalahalaha saw the damn cows, cows saw us

we kept driving. it was cold, then windy, and then the sun came up and i took this picture.

when i first met her she kept all that beautiful hair in front of her face.

she was hiding.

we went on 3 very bad dates. and i gave up. then one day it rained and i asked her to come over and teach me to play the guitar. and when she did, she lit up from the inside and no longer was she hidden.

cheesy as it sounds, i saw her heart. and it was beautiful. much like that picture.

a lot has come and gone since we climbed up that hawaiian volcano.

but one thing remains is her beautiful heart.

today i talked to her on the phone to offer my condolences because her husband had tragically died.

and as we talked about certain things she fluttered from being sad to being very sad.

but every now and then we said something that was funny.

i have no idea how to help people during times like what jeanine has just experienced

or some of the tragedies she has had to endure during her life.

life is not fair. at all. and sometimes it’s least fair to the sweetest people you ever met.

you just have to hope that at the end of this darkness

just around the bend

theres a new chapter waiting to unfold.

with shit loads of joy drizzled all around it.

it looks like the girl wont be sleeping on the couch for much longer

balancerspeople say you shouldnt jinx things by talking about things but do those people even understand how jinxing works?

if you can jinx something for the bad, shouldnt you, by the transitive law of geometry, be able to jinx something for the good?

and if so, why isnt everyone all the time jinxing junk for the good?

they’re not. also theyre not jinxing it for the bad either.

the girl will soon be moving to sin city where she will be sleeping on a bed for the first time, regularly, in over a year. i am very proud of her. she has taken on things that i dont think i could have.

i was not the best roommate. i was messy and she cleaned. i was loud, but she slept. i wasnt the most supportive after a while, yet she keeped on moving forward.

theres very very very few people i could have been as patient as i was with, but jeanine has a heart of gold and she knows i have her best interest at heart and everyone knows that its rare to have very close friends who are so close that you could do something like this with.

am i glad she’s moving to vegas? of course. the raiders will be moving there soon and this will cut down on all the hotel expenses i was planning on accruing.

and the way i see it, i get dibs on her couch for at least a few home stands.

but as they say the deal isnt finalized so keep the good thoughts brewing

and if youre any good at positive jinxes, jinx away, for good.

im in chicago and how about this, im about to hang with aj

jeanine ajwhen i was in college aj and i wrote together, rocked out together, we even had a rock and roll radio show together.

the only thing we didnt do is get it on together. i shoulda told her, look at me, i have my hair, i look great in the cubs shirt that i will later wear in vegas. and i weight 125 lbs. whats not to love?

she loved me but not *that* way. which was a bit sad in a way but it led to great diary entries in my creative studies diaries class and poems and short stories.

one thing led to another and jeanine and i started dating and then we moved in together. we were super in love. maybe in a sick way. we got these friendship bracelets which are painfully visible in this photo and i think i wore mine for a year or two. i think i also had one on my ankle. i was nuts. we were all nuts. all three of us shoulda probably gotten it on right after this picture was taken but we were sweet kids not wearing any makeup, not putting any product in our hair, probably not even wearing underwears.

i love this picture because you can just see all the love we had and have for each other beaming through. it was taken right outside of AJs pad affectionally dubbed “the playpen”. mons pubis or the wonderfuls were about to play. some jungle juice was being prepared in a nearby garbage can. and the neighbors were for sure peeking through their curtains at the parade of beauty and freaky. i think the year was 1990. either that or 91. def one of my all time favorite pictures.

anna keeps sending me pictures as if

annalast night when i was driving a nice nanny home jeanine called so i put her on speaker

she was telling me that she wasnt coming home and i said fine. when it was over she said ok, i love you!

i replied likewise and when we hung up i explained to my passenger who jeanine was and that she was sleeping on my couch temporarily.

oh how sweet that you still tell each other you love each other.

i said yeah.

the lady told me that where she’s from (el salvador), when a relationship is over there is no i love yous any more.

i said, america is sorta the same, but there are exceptions.

it depends, i told her, on how the relationship was and how it ended.

i told her that when jeanine and i were over we had a breakup party and three bands played.

maria the nanny had a hard time comprehending it.

i said, it was a different time. pre 9/11, pre-internet. we were lucky to have cable tv

she said, but bands? i said yeah, rock n roll was still alive.

i said but there are other exes that i dont care to hear from any more, like anna.

then i told her about anna and then handed her my cell phone and opened the text messages.

almost every day this woman sends you pictures of herself.

si, i said.

pretty girl! she said, with a wink and handed it back.

i said looks are deceiving, as is anna, which is why i dont really respond and why i would have a very hard time trusting her again, which is why it’s best to move on.

maria’s accent was thick, but she did understand everything

and as she got out she said, i love you tony

and winked.

today is jeanines 28th birthday

thats a painting i did, it was supposed to be of jeanine but it turned into a painting of a mexican lady born to monkeys at the zoo jeanine escape and found an evil princess who turned her into an 18 year old girl and sent her to isla vista california home of one thing and one thing only, 19 year old tony pierce. the first two dates were miserable and the third was even worse so i was all no really no really lez be friends.

and i sorta meant it but not really and one day it was raining, sorta like a day like today and it was grey and cloudy and isla vista is usually like 100% perfect and sunny even at night. the girls float down the streets and the gutters are filled with taffy. the billygoats come up to you and ask you to lower your voice there are women present and the mules eat pizza crusts in the dumpsters.

jeanine came over to my house in the rain with the intention of playing guitars with me. basically me learning from her. basically her ruling the galaxy. and basically we sat down in my bedroom on the floor and she took out her guitar and she just started shredding like mad and her hair parted and this beautiful face and beautiful voice came out and i thought ive gotta see this ho naked.

two weeks later she was naked. because isla vista had taffy in its gutters.

it took three days to have sex with her because im so huge.

finally in mexico we got super drunk and danced to heavy metal at a top 40 club and she was all hurry up im wasted itll get it now.

and the thing is jeanine and i have quite a few secret stories that these dont even seem that dark but it was. she cried and i cried and the rain kept coming down even there in mexico even before then in frisco but we just kissed and let the rain come down as everything started changing and everything was mixing with water and tears and blood.

jeanine rockin it in miami for super bowl sundayand worse.

and if theres something ive learned about living here in america over all these years is that if you mix together all of the weirdest shit you can, and then put it under pressure, and then mix it with water and tears and blood, and then mix some drugs in there, lots, and some drugs, lots, and then let the angels above want to sing through you, something oddly amazing will get made.

after a few years jeanine moved to prauge with os and i was the saddest id ever been, america. the saddest. the days were so dark i wrote my darkest poetry of all. sometimes id get so tired of writing the darkest poetry of all that id just hand the pen over to the devil and let him write it for me.

of course mine was better.

all of it was about jeanine and many years later id move away from frisco and chris and i ended up on jeanines futon in LA for a year. she walked around totally naked and shed cook and shed clean and she raised the iguana that i had given her and it grew up big and strong and perfect.

i have a lot of friends. more than i deserve. ive experienced many different layers of emotions and mysterious feelings. including love, the strangest of them all.

i love jeanine as deeply as one can

and i have since the first time i wanted to see her naked.

tonight, if she will allow me to, i will take her to an italian restaurant whose name escapes me, because shes 1/2 italian.

i dont know about soul mates.

i think i have like a half dozen soul mates and one is a baseball team.

and today one of them is having a birthday

on acid.


its funny how people need to move away for me to see them

our darling jeanine moved to buelton to film sideways 2 and because she misses LA she has been down here twice in three weeks and last night we went to the wiltern and saw the raconteurs and it was entirely delightful.

i write a lot about some of my xgirlfriends and i dont know why i dont write more about jeanine, we’ve always been very close and pretty much gotten along perfectly for a very long time.

after the show, she came back to my house to tune my guitar and teach me a power chord and i gave her a book and this afternoon she called to tell me that she read it in two hours she loved it so much. dan fantes chump change. fucking love dan fante. i hear his pappy wrote some too, but i havent read any.

anyways only jeanine could cut half of her hair off and look even better. i shoulda taken some pictures but i dont even have pics of jack white or billy gibbons.

at the show i also saw alecia from looklook with her dude sitting on one of the plush staircases at the wiltern as jeanine and i were walking up to the upstairs bar. i miss looklook. looklook was the first hint that the Lord wanted me to know that being laid off from E! was the first step on a beautiful path of a better future. much love to looklook.

something about living up in beulton has totally mellowed jeanine out and im telling you she looks super good. she befriended like twenty people all around us as we were rocking out to the bands. it was funny. we decided that shes going to help me throw all my crap out of my house and redecorate my bedroom. like do something for example with the twenty pillows, as well as the bicycle that is currently an excellent pants hanger.

yesterday me and the pants went to the apple store and the dude did a few things to my iPod and he said do you mind if you lose everything thats on here and i said nope, and then basically threw it over his shoulder, snapped his fingers and poof a new one appeared and he gave it to me.

i said is that it?

he said, just sign here.

and i just got done uploading 50 gigs into it and you have to admit, these are pretty sweet times when you can upload 50 gigs of anything into something the size of a deck of cards.

however it is mighty troubling how prone to fuckups these iPods are.

on the busride home all i ever think about is coming home and writing.

something good. something for you.

then i get home and every night its like this, its like the apartment takes over and all of my plans get sucked away.

even on the happiest of evenings where i think about coming home and blasting the good tunes and dancing around i always end up doing something completely else.

today they had a surprise for us at work.

59. blackmask

they blindfolded us and put us in limos.

everyone thought they were going to kill us. we were esping like crazy.

finally i just told them all to relax, that if they wanted to kill us they would just poison the coffee.

everyone began to relax.

we ended up in this place that was really beautiful, i imagined. there were pillows on the lush carpet. the sofas were all pillows, the room smelled of incense, spanish guitar was playing in the distance.

when they unblindfolded us we saw that there were flowers all over and fruit in large bowls and fountains of apple juice.

we were told to sit down.

they washed our feet.

who did? they did.


none of us believed it.

it was weird at first, and a little, hmmm intense? but it was nice.

then they dried our feet and then wrapped them in towels

and then put flowers on the towels and then they brought out chairs

beautiful women emerged and sat on the chairs.

they held out the bowls of fruit for the women and we were told to remain silent while the guitar played and simply receive.

and the women fed us.

they dabbed our chins with napkins and held the goblets while we drank, and then the women fed us some more.

a voice said

you are the undercover superheroes of the city of angels

if people knew what you were doing, they would thank you

but even they couldnt thank you enough

then they read off our names one by one.

then they played david bowies heroes as the women gave us shoulder rubs.

then the lights went down

then most of us fell asleep.

when we awoke they drove us to a local theatre and gave us a special preview screening of swat.

which might have made sense in the meeting, but in reality it just brought us back to thinking about work, and wishing it was as easy as samuel jackson made it look.

sk smith + coyote + c monks