i used to think i was gonna marry a black girl

bingthen i thought i would marry an asian girl

then a white girl

then a latina

now i think i’ll marry whoever is the nicest to me.

over the last two days ive been driving as much uber as i possibly can because they have this cash bonus if you do 75 trips.

little do they tell you its impossible to do 75 trips if everyone else in LA is trying to get 75 trips

so in a twisted way its genius of uber because we’re running around like crazy

giving people $4 rides in our mercedeses

on one hand it makes you feel like quitting the whole thing at the end of the week

and on the other hand you meet all these super cool people who you wouldnta normally met because

you wouldnta been out at 11pm looking for annnnnnyone to ping you.

got this smelly chef tonight.

then got this korean kid who said korea is cool if youre a party animal but not if youre chill

then got these two beautiful saudi ladies with incredible clothes.

then got a lady with leather pants who quietly farted and it smelled like burning hair.

then got this dude who was super cool, and then a lady who wanted to talk about Bowie

but the best was a young record producer with crazy hair

it was my longest trip and he told me to relax

that rock n roll is coming back

via skye ferra

tame impala

and haim.

and i was all, toss some guitar solos in there

please and thank you.

who i would replace Brian Johnson with

The-Darkness-Justin-HawkinsLong time AC/DC crooner, Brian Johnson, has been told by doctors that if he continues fronting the hard rock group he will go deaf.

Instead of retiring, now that his brother Malcolm Young is back home due to dementia, and his drummer Phil Rudd can’t leave Australia due to bizarre criminal allegations, lead guitarist/atraction Angus Young seemingly still wants to travel the world blowing the roof off the mother.

So here’s who I think should be the next singer of my favorite rock group

10. Glen Danzig – he’s probably a little too heavy for AC/DC but maybe that gruff could add a little edge to the aging group

9. Justin Hawkins (The Darkness) – this dude was born to front a real rock band. Don’t get me wrong, I think The Darkness is incredible. But because it’s sooooo derivative of 80s hair metal groups, many think they’re a joke. I believe. Justin is one of the few that could hit the high notes and the idea of a triple guitar attack on numbers like “Shoot to Thrill” or “Bad Boy Boogie” is fascinating.

2014-12-27-AndrewW.K.byJonathanThorpe2013APPROVED8. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden) – there aren’t many singers who could add even more power to AC/DC anthems. Bruce could. And he could fly the damn plane.

7. Kid Rock – If there is any complaint about the dynamics of AC/DC music it’s that it’s one dimensional. Kid Rock could add a layer of Southern rock and warmth that hasn’t been there since Bon Scott died in 1980. Imagine what he could add with piano on tunes like “Have A Drink On Me” and “The Jack”.  And what about harmonica on “It’s a Long Way to the Top” instead of bagpipe?

6. Andrew W.K. – The only downside of Andrew W.K. leading AC/DC is he’d be so great at it that kids would think that he wrote all the songs. And his energy might kill Angus.

5.  Ad Rock & Mike D. – Everyone loved the original mashup of Aerosmith and Run DMC. What if you were treated to a night led by the remaining members of Beastie Boys with the live accompaniment of AC/DC on songs that maybe might include some new freestyle verses.

4. Kim Gordon – Some say Joan Jett is the perfect female singer/guitarist to front AC/DC but I’d rather have Kim Gordon who would give a spookier take on “She’s Got Balls” and “Inject The Venom”.

3.  Jack Black – It would be the funniest AC/DC show you’ve ever seen, that’s for sure.

2.  Jack White – It would be the sexiest AC/DC show you’ve ever seen and the dual lead guitar duals would be legendary.

1. Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine) – hopefully they’d play a half hour of Rage tunes as an encore.

Zack de la Rocha

my best friend will never be lou reed

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and i’ll never produce “Walk on the Wild Side” for him

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i’ll never be the coolest dude in a photo when the other two are from the Stones and the Who

The Outtakes of David Bowie's Iconic _Heroes_ Album Cover Shoot (6)

i’ll never always have the perfect expression on my face

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my second wife will not be a super hot somalian super model who stays out of the news

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i’ll never wear clothes that makes my eye patch seem like the obvious perfect accessory

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i’ll never write “Fame” with John Lennon

bowie-mercury

i’ll never write “Under Pressure” with Freddie Mercury

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i’ll never look menacingly ice cold in my mug shot with one blue eye and one brown eye

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when i take my baby out on a stroll i’ll never look ridiculously amazing

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but i do hope to shake hands with iggy pop in red square one day

david bowie gif

so thank you david bowie for the inspiration!

a trip through this year via photos

here we have March 2010


echo park bbq, march 5
joey maloney, scott sterling, ali miller – one could build an empire around those three


la times, march 8
todd had cancer. the surgeon had a knife. todd now has a killer scar.


echo park, sunset blvd, march 9
always remember that the food truck revolution came directly from taco trucks like tacos arizas


westchester, march 10
the only thing better than amazing sushi, are two foul mouthed girls to enjoy it with


hollywood, march 11
the only thing better than boring one girl in yr bedroom is, wait, nevermind


austin, texas, march 13
they said paint, so i made the sun


sxsw twitter party, austin, tx, march 14
ev williams and mark milian, fantastic gents, neither of whom have the same gig now that they had then


austin, tx, march 15
can you tell im annoyed? things worked out later, in a nice way.


austin, tx, march 16
a kilt and a metal shirt = awesome. who knew?


sixth street, march 17
even though poetry been berry berry good to me, it can fend for itself if you ask me


sixth street, st paddys day
the only thing i like doing more than taking pics, its taking pics of people posing for pics


near la zona rosa, st paddys day
shepard fairey wuz here


austin, tx, march 18
hangovers have me seeing double



ifc house, march 18
if i was any closer to The Sword at this show i woulda been in the band




austin music hall, march 18
biggest surprise of the week: stp stills got it


austin, march 18
dum dum girls have a sweet sweet thing goin


austin, march 18
best texas band no one ever talks about: quiet company





stubb’s bbq, march 19
<3 courtney love cobain <3


stubbs bbq, red river, march 19
one of the legends of red river, asher garber, and the car i would later own


prague club, march 20
matt good said he hadnt been to sxsw for 15 years and it would be another 15 when hed return


runyun canyon, march 28
it was 85 degrees, you’d have gone for a hike too

a few things im thankful for

directv
tivo
sirius
howard stern
indoor plumbing
broadband internet
1 terabyte portable hard drives for under $99
whoever invented the chimichanga
geoff boucher for showing me superman vs mohammad ali
steve jobs
all things flushable

rooftop hotubs
christmas lights
plain m & m’s
soul food
janes addiction
breakaway sweat pants
all things pharmaceutical grade
mini churros
white boards

sleeves
horse collars
apple juice
“unnecessary” quotemarks
geminis and scorpios
carbs
personal fouls
jack in the box
foam hand sanitizers
stopwatches
all things disposable

after parties
pre parties
virgin mary tattoos
pre approved financing
a rebounding stock market
sexting
all things brazilian
all things french dipped
competitive sleeping

death metal
streaming netflix
regenerating cells
digital photography
american apparel
tumblr, for saving blogging
crowns
stub hub
dillons
the tolerance of those around me
santee alley
all things california grown

jessica simpson
hash tags
ad tags
triple blades
complete seasons
under wiring
all things under
all things black
sarah palin
traffic maps
high definition

you
& zombies

gwar is one of my favorite bands of all

seeing them live is like fully experiencing what heavy metal was meant to evolve into.

problem is gwar’s music is uninspired, bland, predictable, and soulless.

their best moments on cd are when theyre lifting the lines from other bands, particularly N.W.A

meanwhile their best moments live are when they’re chopping the heads off of fantastically grotesque creatures who then spurt endless streams of “blood” into the adoring mosh pit below.

but the music is terrible and its only getting worse.

what needs to be done is a rock n roll intervention.

if the top 20 metal bands and hard rock groups wrote one song for Gwar – a good song – they could go tour for the next thousand years and not bore audiences (which seems impossible, but its true).

Kansas, REO Speedwagon, Styx, soooo many bands tour off 3-4 songs. If Gwar had 10 seriously good ones heavy metal would be saved.

And blood would flow forever.

But last night at the house of blues we left early after an hour of the same old same old.

Such a shame.

i have seen the blissful conclusion of rock n roll

and its name is monotonix

an eon ago John Landau said he saw the future of rock n roll, and it was Bruce Springsteen.

its time to meet the new boss, same as the old boss in that the live show was frenzied and thrilling and uplifting and glorious

biggest difference between Bruce and Monotonix is after the sweaty freaky wild concert i have zero recollection of one word the singer, 40something year old, Ami Shalev said.

doesnt matter. he looks like a sweaty unfrozen caveman wearing nothing more than (un)tidy whities and sneakers and whatever he belted out from beneath his grizzled face was delivered from a higher place where words take a back seat to magic. and feeling is everything.

equal parts Gogol Bordello, Iggy Pop, Gwar, the comic strip BC, and the video game Gauntlet, at times all of this seems like a dream come true in the middle of a nightmare

straight outta Tel Aviv, the shirtless and equally hairy guitarist Yonatan Gat and drummer Haggai Fershtman kicked out the jams as Shalev scurried around Spaceland in Silver Lake terrorizing patrons with snot rockets, stealing their PBR tallboys, spraying the suds everywhere while literally climbing the walls of the former strip club sending all those in attendance for cover at times for fear of being Pabst-ized – or worse.

i knew things were going to be different when i saw the marshall half stacks being set up on the stage. no not in the back but on the front. the drums were pieced together in front of the stage and i asked for ear plugs from the bartender who handed them over with a smile.

smiles abounded as the trio ripped through their first number WHO CARES WHAT IT WAS CALLED as the diminutive singer ran around like a crazyperson in search for a garbage can which he promptly dumped on his drummer’s fuzzy head.

Fershtman just kept playing away until a fan took the plastic container off of the drummer and another fan placed it on his own head.

hello rock n roll, where the hell have you been all my life?

next thing you know the singer has stolen the snare from his drummer. like a Marx Brothers skit the drummer chases after him. the guitar blares the people are clapping the singer is shouting and finally places the snare next to the dividing wall. the bass drum arrives, cymbals make their way and the shirtless guitarist keeps the music coming and there we have the singer climbing the divider like a monkey.

followed by the guitarist. camera flashes everywhere. now the singer is using the curtains as a wig. now the beer is being kicked. now the smiles are everywhere.

now do you see why the Beatles bore me?

then the singer jumps into the crowd. then the singer jumps on the back of the drummer and hangs there. then the snare is moved to the back of the club. now the singer stands precariously on the tiny cocktail table. the crowd moves along with him. all eyes are on the commotion. no one knows what they are experiencing BUT IT IS ROCK MUSIC

this is not a joke band this is what God envisioned when he accepted Robert Johnson’s soul at the crossroads and inspired les paul to create the electric guitar.

this is why the terrorists love us. this is why you’re fat.

because you arent scurrying around a rock club being lifted up by eager fans who are now holding the drummer’s throne so that the singer can beat on a drum also being hoisted up by fans.

i thought arcade fire were amazing the night before BUT AS USUAL I AM SORELY MISTAKEN!

mayhem begat mayhem as fans began pouring beer on the band and strewn drum sticks found their way between your hero’s legs by a naughty female sitting on the stage.

the stage by the way filled with fans as that was the safest place in the club.

the fourth wall was tossed away the minute the performance began and how were we to know that there was a fifth and six wall that would be destroyed as well. ADIOS!

oh hai, now he’s using the rigging on the ceiling as a cowbell. give this messiah a grammy stat!

iPhones were constantly in danger of being drenched. and im sure there were a plethora of electronic casualties but WHO THE EFF CARES we were experiencing LIFE

and love and passion and essence of Soul Music.

whoops now the band is on the bar. whoops now the singer has the jar of lime slices. heads up now theyre being strewn at the patrons. as are the coffee stirrers and the straws. and the cocktail napkins. the guitarist is on the bar. is that blood on my shirt? yes! it wants to see the show too!

after the fastest 45 minutes youve ever seen the show is over. but no one wants to leave. life as we know it has been changed. outside is america but america is but a dull shell of itself now. cant we stay forever in awe of these three jewish rock gods? i hug the singer. his sweat heals me. my comrade poses with the singer. her soul is renewed. the amps are still buzzing. WE ARE ALL STILL BUZZING

HERE IT IS a half a day later AND I AM STILL BUZZING.

this is a band that often sets their instruments and clothes on fire but obviously Los Angeles would have none of that but it didnt matter as our hearts were aflame with the sound of music.

and our eyes will never see anything like it again.

ALL HAIL MONOTONIX forever shall they reign.

dear this week

how you gonna beat last week?

last week started with da bears winning ugly on monday night football which lead to me buying drinks for so many people at the hot babe bar that i had a little hangover on tuesday

we wont talk about what happened last night

wednesday was sushi with sarah and ali followed by sonic youth and pavement on thursday with ali

friday was zz top and tom petty at the bowl with the truest followed by lady gaga and yoko ono on saturday

yes you heard me right, yoko and gaga and perry farrell with mike watt

and Joseph Gordon-Levitt from third rock with two angels

and the RZA from wu tang and kim and thurston from sonic youth and carrie fisher and vincent gallo and sean lennon who played guitar and bass and piano and drums so well we didnt at first think it was him. easily the most interesting show ive seen all year.

and then last night was Allen at karisas house with her oldest brother and his wife and many friends

and bbq and beer and stars on yr head

and giant pixie sticks and lies and booze

and hot dogs and burgers and polish food and 7-11 cheese

and little dogs who peaced out and semi ran away during all of it because she didnt get enough food.

this week you have a tough act to follow lets see what you can do

rage was incredible

they know know peers. everyone has gotten old, theyve stayed intense

we were in the pit. the whole time. my arms are stinging from peoples’ plastic wrist bands scratching me all night due to the slamming and pushing and sweating

oh and the sweating. my matthew good shirt was drenched as we left the place. it was so nice walking around hollywood in no shirt and an equally sweaty karisa next to me who couldnt revel in the freedom i was enjoying.

the place was such a sausage fest that they turned one of the ladies rooms into a mens room. it was so latin that when the opener openers, a mexican band played, everyone cheered.

it was such a great rock show that as everyone was exiting they all cheered some more. rage pumps you full of energy an they havent lost a step since they first kicked their way onto the scene some 17(!) years ago.