My life is now complete.
went into the store during my lunch.
dude said forget what they told you on the phone, if you dont want anything but internet, i will get you just internet.
bing bang boom, im a free man.
i feel like I just took a $250 dump.
what’s their damn problem
tried to do it online but they make you call
so i got on the phone and the lady was nice
was from the midwest but lives in orange county
for some reason she tried to make that the reason why i would keep cable and my landline.
i pay $245 a month for those two plus internet.
so i called to find out how much just internet is.
i have very good internet.
what i was thinking about doing is just going internet and trying out the YouTube or Sling or whatever package that gets you like 40 channels for $35, but you need internet to make it happen.
the lady asks me all these questions like what do i watch.
i say i pretty much just watch Rachel, PTI and the most hardcore porn you could imagine.
she wasn’t paying attention.
she tried to move me to a smaller assortment of channels that would knock my bill down to $199 a month and i was all, yeah nah.
and then she said, oh i see something, you have 300 mbs and you say it’s just you in the home?
i said yep.
she said, well thats far too much for just one person. ten devices could be sharing that.
heres a few things no one should ever say to me:
im cancelling our date
why do you eat so much fast food
Cubs? oh did you jump on the bandwagon last year
i would like to slowly murder you
these gentlemen are here to slow down your internet speed
so i told her to transfer me to her boss and we agreed to just basic channels and then leave the internet alone for $120 total.
now i gotta buy a tivo.
just who we’re looking for
Jimble Kimble is my favorite late night host
he is the everyman who worked his way up from radio to the Man Show to somehow making his way as Adam Carolla’s side kick to Howard Stern’s BFF and the host of the Oscars
he took every step the way you’d want. He hired his high school BFF to lead his band (along with his buddy’s dad), his Cousin Sal does bits, his wife writes his jokes, his ex girlfriend is a regular guest, we hear about his mom, his Aunt Chippy, and he has made his little security guard Guillermo a star on his own.
the selflessness is beautiful.
he even built a concert stage behind his studio so when bands play a couple hundred of their fans can enjoy the mini concert.
last night Jimmy shared something so scary. His newborn son was born with a heart disease. They rushed from Ceders in Beverly Hills to Childrens Hospital blocks from my house.
This hospital deserves all the praise. I’ve never heard anything but giant praise from them. I need to give them all of my video games.
So many prayers for Jimmy and his family.
not with ropes or chains
or high heeled ladies in catsuits
and LED lit ears
spiked boots and gloomy music
in a dungeon
far below the earths surface
as they insult me with lies and fantasys
where i did this or that
and now i must be punished
starting with this
and then that.
sooooo much of this, by the way. so much. omg. like woah.
and then i have to clean up.
me!
you can always tell how easy a man has it by how soft his hands are.
how few calluses, scratches, divots, tears.
scars.
the affluent have scars, just not on their hands.
but i dont torture myself that way either.
i listen to news stations and political shows all day
and all night.
waiting for something juicy to come from the droning and speculation
and history.
but it rarely does.
still, i wait.
but we were trained during the 4:3 aspect ratio
damn you, 16:9!
but she doesn’t like swearing, so im not sure how she will feel about this.
people were giving Bill Maher a lot of crap for having Milo on
but if theres one great thing about Maher it’s he invites people from all walks
Ann Coulter gets on there about once a year, so why not this terrible guy.
actually everyone was great on this panel, the CIA guy, even the other republican guy.
the worst Maher shows are when it’s all Dems and they all agree all night.
clearly Fridays wasn’t like that at all
here’s how the show started.
but at least
we’re all gonna go
together
maybe it’s cuz he knows we can’t just do the same old thing any more
and pretty much says so near the end.
he’s a funny dude and im glad he’s around.
but it’s hard for me to think that if Jon Stewart was still on the air
and if Colbert had his report still, Trump winning woulda been a little harder.
but millions of people wanted him and Trump was his own worst enemy
so who knows, maybe some people just don’t mind when drunk people drive
on the ice
at night
while also tweeting
and looking for the right emoji.