starring jennifer beals, mia kirshner, karina lombard, and pam grier

showtime, sunday nights

fuck this fucking show.

revolutionary? hardly. terrible tv shows have been on the air for years.

heres what the producers were given: hot young lesbians who like to have sex, a cable network that can show nudity, a public who is ready for a show that revolves around lesbians, and a public who has warmly embraced strong female sexuality in sex in the city as well as gays in will & grace and queer eye for the straight guy.

the bases are loaded, now bring that shit home.

unfortunately instead of blowing the lid off my tv, they deliver me a topless after-school special.

the biggest problem with the L Word is it’s too adult, too meloncholy, too safe, too serious, too dull.

as exciting as thirtysomething, as dramatic as peeling potatoes, and as sexy as willard scott, The L Word sure shows tons of sex and lets us in on sex talk and we see hot chicks and steamy situations, but alas its as cold as an overnight with martha stewart.

i watched this thing twice today and the best i can figure their first priority was to keep it so dry in the pursuit of “credibility” that Joe Sixpack Fratboy Maxium Reader would be bored immediately.

mission accomplished.

so then why all the “lipstick”?

The L Word is as representative to lesbians as Cosby was to african americans. all the chicks are hot, all the guys are hot, all the sex is bland, all the conversations are about either lesbianism or sex or cosmo or getting pregnant or lesbianism or sperm or lesbianism.

meanwhile theres hardly any music playing anywhere, theres very little background noise, or atmosphere.

only showtime, who has a long history of making sex dull and disposable, could make the first lesbian tv series so unwatchable that im not sure i will tune in next week to see the (still) extremely sexy beals go down on her partner again.

besides the lifeless dialogue, the tone is depressingly somber.

did these lesbians get a hold of that type of weed that just knocks your ass out? they act as if theyre all getting root canals in the morning. they act as if they ran a marathon yesterday and they’re still recovering.

the sole “straight” couple have such uninspired sex that you wonder if both of them arent gay. their sex is so unsexy that you could balance one of the glasses of merlot they’re constantly draining on a pillow on their bed and it wouldnt tip over.

if i had a daughter and i wanted her not to be a lesbian, i would show her this tv program and tell her that all lesbians are this lethargic and emotionless and tired. and washed. and santa monican.

if the queer eye boys bounced into the L Word these women would have a damn heart attack. are they lesbo librarians in training? are they auditioning for npr shows? can they just sit back and have a laugh without it leading to sex or having to do with sex? just one laugh?

sex in the city may have been ridiculous and worthless and written by gay men for straight women, but at least it tried to keep things somewhat light and didnt completely take itself seriously at every turn. women i know who like the show totally Want to be one or more of those women on tv.

i cant imagine anyone wanting to be any of these sad fakers who seem only concerned with one thing:

boring the hell out of anyone who wanted to learn about this usually interesting world.

congratulations, we’re bored.

a far more interesting lesbian story about “bois” in new york + after ellen is more forgiving

clippers girl cousin is coming over in about an hour. i hope im awake.

i got surprise phone calls from two of the hottest women of the internet. one of them from a completly different country.

lets hope that i will continue to be this lucky through 2004.

lets hope that all our dreams come true this next year, k?

lets hope that our skillz progress and our full potentials are realized and that love overwhelms us and we’re swept away with happiness.

im watching dick clarks new years rockin eve. its pretty horrible but there really isnt much else on.

apparently television doesnt want to have to deal with it.

me and clipper girls cousin were going to see david lee roth at the house of blues but she got that terrible flu a few days ago and gave her tickets to her brother.

and now, of course, shes healthy again.

this was a great year and a terrible year for the cubs.

it was a scary ass year for kobe.

it was a pretty good year for the busblog.

i got to meet lots of super cool people this year, i got praised all over, i got to do some new things, and despite a bus strike, the blog continued to roll on.

every day.

several times a day.

mostly because of you, and for that i thank you.

jessica simpson is on tv so i hafta go.

i hope that all your memories of 2004 create a little smile.

happy nude year,

tony

is he the jealous type who will remain jealous even after he has moved on to other babes, or will he be perfect, like me for example?

chris came over last night for the “Survivor” finale and i grilled her some steaks, prepared huge baked potatoes, boiled some carrots, and heated up a small bowl of my navy bean pork rib stew. chris is an angel who looks more beautiful with each day and it was great to have her over at my place and it was a pretty terrific episode of my favorite tv show (next to the Simpsons) and for the life of me i dont know why the old lady thought that the soccer player would be less competition for her than the punk rocker from Santa Cruz, but it’s all good.

and i know all you chicks say that there’s more to your boyfriends than looks, but sometimes i seriously doubt it. birthday girl didnt call me all night and still hasnt called me which wouldnt be all that bad but she was being driven by her ex-bf through the desert last night – the very desert that was home to 40 mph winds through the passes. bro was supposed to pick her up at ten am and 2:11pm she wrote me at work saying that he was “on the way,” yet when i arrived home there was a phone message from her at 6pm saying that he still hadnt arrived.

i called her new roommate down in newport at midnight who said that she had talked to ashley around 8 and they still hadnt left and she said that she tried to call her on bro’s cell phone around 11pm and there was no reception.

im sure everything is ok, but when i went to bed last night at 4am i still hadnt received a call, which is weird as hell because ashley calls me at least three times a day even if i tell her to take it easy. and part of me says that she maybe wanted to call but didnt because she didnt want to make bro jealous cuz hes a pussy ass bitch like that and would be upset even though his fingers smell of another.

so fellas, let me talk to you. jealousy is not your friend. it doesnt make you seem cooler, or make you look like you love the girl more. it makes you look like a wuss. you look weak. you are weak. jealousy is an emotion that should be saved for fictional tales of the past – especially if you left the girl who you are now green because of. if your ex expects you at 10am for your emotional journey of change, be there at 9:30 with donuts and daisies. reputation goes a long way and when you’re barely out of highschool you have no clue how much tail there is out there waiting for you, but let me tell you, there’s more than you can ever imagine, so move on and drive your ex safely to where she wants to be and get on with your so-called life.

and if she wants to call someone, let her, and dont pout like a bitch and if you want to practice being a man, hand her your crappy cell phone so that people know that she and her shit are not strewn across I-15 hundreds of feet from a flipped-over rusty pick-up truck.

after Survivor, Chris and I screened an academy copy of “Moulin Rouge” which was a zillion times better than i ever expected. i wanted to get right up to my tv to savor all the details, but i was stuffed and we swore we only were going to watch a few minutes of it as it was evidence for a case i had helped break where some pacific palisades teens had stolen dozens of screening copies of all the best films of the year from their parents who worked in the biz and were mass-duplicating them and selling them outside of highschools throughout the southland from, get this, the back of their shiny new sport utility vehicles!

if everything works out i get to see the birthday girl tomorrow night.

just in time for the Raiders game.

who doesn’t? the question always is, however: but, for how long?

i also like the TV show, “Survivor.” i’d have to say that next to the Simpsons, it’s my favorite show. with that said, i am always bummed out when they get start to get rid of the hot chicks in the show. therefore, how couldnt i be upset when they voted off the 28 yr old Puerto Rican Libra?

yes, jessie is a cop, and she wasnt drinking the water, and she got sick easy, and she hadnt contributed, but she was good to look at and she was Clarence’s only friend, which was nice. and everyone knows that Libras need a little time to adjust to new surroundings. but i really think that it woulda been nice to see a tv show not all full of white people starving and fighting and dying in the desert. it woulda been nice to see some minorities suffer a little too.

i dont get enough of that in real life.

and i must say, making them drink Blood in episode two is mighty badass.

i know lots of people will probably complain, but drinking blood straight from the cow is apparently what the crazy african tribe in that area does, and they looked cool with their dyed red hair, and that cow looked more healthy than a lot of the steroid-pumped ones that i see in central california.

but to make them drink it with the milk of the cow is so unkosher and damnnear close to Satanic. yes, Satanic. that it made for amazing tv – especially when they made people stick out their blood-soaked tounges.

Bravo, CBS. The Tiffany network twinkles ever more.

Ken Shall Wed Laura! | 22 Filmore | home | email