do i really miss everyone

i do.

everyone who has ever been close to me i miss.

etienne once gave me a hard time for that, maybe she was saying she didnt feel special if i was just gonna love ashley and michele and chris AND her

but wtf you dont think it’s possible that the heart can have room for everyone?

mine does.

maybe theres something wrong with it but theres lots of room and even the good book says you should love love love

which when its not there means you’ll miss miss miss.

etienne was a handful at times, but i was too. for all of them. but still i miss her.

i miss them all.

i remember when i saw my first girlfriend mary for the last time.

there was a fire in san diego, it circled where she was

for some reason i was visiting her and when i got there she was really stand offish

WHILE telling me all these terrible things her husband-at-the-time had done to her

but an outsider might have thought that i was the scoundrel.

do i miss mary?


i miss them all.

i miss the girl in sixth grade i asked to be my gf and she said her dad would kill her if she did

because i am of african decent.

i miss the roller rink we used to go to

i miss the girl who kissed me on the cheek there who was a cheerleader

i miss the music they played there

i miss getting blisters

i miss walking home in the snow because i ran out of quarters and didnt wanna call my mom collect

and it was miles in the dark

but that slush in my sneakers eased the blisters from throbbing.

so now lets rock.

almost went outside today, but thought better of it

tomorrow i may have to do some walking.

im watching mad men with amber. it’s her first time.

don draper always reminds me that i talk too much and im wearing all the wrong suits.

the drinking is heavier than i remembered it. and the smoking.

was this supposed to be a parody?

before amber moved in i had a bottle of wine or two, a jug of rum, maybe a few beers in the fridge.

these people had entire bars available to them in every room.

gen x may live to 200 years old if we dont ruin the planet first. we dont eat steaks. we pretty much never smoked. drank, but not like what im seeing on tv.

gen x got you obama, and legal weed. dont you forget that. they coulda voted for mccain but didnt. sarah palin could have been a thing for more than a hiccup.

as dylan said, it’s not dark yet, but it’s

getting there.

somehow ended up on the facebook page of the first girl i ever asked to be my gf.

she said no bc she said her dad would killer bc im black.

i cant even tell you how bizarre her page is.

then i saw that she was remembering an old friend who had died a few years go

then i looked at her page.

my entire life is completely different

by miles

compared to what it could have been if i had stuck around in the past.

some people have long chapters

and theres something very special about that.

me, im glad for this.

whatever this is, im happy im in the middle of this

any day.