outside some store

all these autograph hounds all around him with posters of his movies

and glossy pictures.

where do these people come from?

how do they know he’s gonna be there?

where do they buy all those Sharpies?

and Mel just turned 91 last week. still out there giving the people what they want. if i only had a Young Frankenstein stein I would have been out there too begging him to sign it for me.

but alas, i was driving around rodeo trying to get a nibble.

even a short ride would be good on a hot day.

anything.

floated over to westwood. got a ping at one of those wilshire skyscraper condos.

in walks an old man and his youngish wife.

we are going to the Grill on the Alley

first he tells me to turn down the jazz and then questions why im avoiding wilshire.

just take it all the way!

anything you say.

around the hilton theres a traffic jam. he still directs me.

i try to change the subject.

so what’s good over at the Grill?

he tells me everythings good and the service is excellent.

he mentions liver.

i go, omg i love liver. do they serve it with onions or bacon?

he says, they serve it with onions And bacon.

i say i dont want to drop you off. you both must stay and drive with me. you for the directions and your wife for her beautiful perfume.

she smiles.

he says, i cannot afford that perfume.

when they get out he slides me a five dollar bill.

liver friends.

youre out there swimming with sharks

the people of Los Angeles aren’t the greatest drivers.

they’re from all over the world, they have different ideas of what the rules of the road are

they’re drunk, they’re high, they’re fighting via text, they’re taking selfies, they’re eating, they’re mad, sad, joyous

and the traffic isn’t great.

thus, if you don’t have to be out there, you probably shouldn’t because you could get hit, shot, enticed into a fight.

the earth could open up and swallow you right in there.

therefore if you ask me, you should trust your instincts. if you dont wanna be out there, dont go. if you feel trapped, escape. if you are solely doing it for the money or the surge or the bonus: i cant imagine too many good things happening.

but if youre out there first and foremost to help the people get around then you will.

if youre out there to be informative and loving and you are sharing the city with your passengers

then very good things will happen

sometimes even for you.

Passengers should be able to Favorite their favorite drivers. Even in a 10 minute trip a connection can be made and you want to have that driver again. Unfortunately Uber’s algorithm only matches a passenger with the closest driver.

However, one of your favorite drivers might just be 1 or 2 minutes away from the closest driver so it might not be that inconvenient.

PLUS, because both Uber and drivers want those dolla dolla bills .. IF the passenger chooses to use their favorite driver, Uber should alert the passenger that the fare is multiplied by 1.5x as a “tip” to the driver.

Would you pay 25% more to ride with someone who you actually liked enough to Favorite? As opposed to some random person who you might not like? Of course you would.  Drivers are the same way. I would much rather drive someone who I liked who went out of their way to Favorite me, who also is waiting a little longer for me, and is willing to give me a 25% bonus.

This is one of those rare win-win-win scenarios.

The kind that never see the light of day because not enough people read the busblawwwwg any mores.

im all, why the long face

and he tells me.

people tell me their problems all the time.

only a few times do they ask, whats a guy who can afford a benz doing driving for uber?

but this one dude the other day did.

and i said,

we can all afford a benz.

ours is the Kingdom of Heaven

but we run around all thinking that ours is the Butthole of Poop.

ours aint any such thing.

especially American ours.

we have clean air clean water habitable conditions and we arent fighting a war at home.

sure some of us get shot by cops or gangs or the occassional mass muderer but its not like jets are zooming around above us dropping loads on E Street

we have such a bigger advantage to people in other countries, regardless of who our president is

what color we are

or any of our every day minutia that can drive us crazy.

and i know at times it can feel like a disaster.

words can be said and they trigger you like theyre the meanest words ever

politicians can do things or say things or threaten things

facebook commentors, bad drivers, junk mail from your credit union constantly trying to sell you insurance.

neighbors, sprawl, the blind as bat umpires in the replay office in new york.

or churches who turn on their sprinklers at night, every night, ruining your sweet car wash.

but theres a reason the good book says and i paraphrase fuck the bullshit of this earth

yours is the kingdom of heaven.

some can say its a fake out written by the rich so the huddled masses dont rise up and burn it all down

but thats too easy.

the poor couldnt even read the bible most of the time, and most of That time it was written in Latin.

and secondly point me to the politician or king who ever said,

never mind the here and now

lets instead focus on Paradise.

not even one of the phony Christians in congress would

dare go there.

dude in my uber says, my girlfriend wants it all the time

and i just want to sleep when i get home.

and he starts crying.

and that is what every problem sounds like, probs

to the man upstairs

waiting for you

above.

sort of a perfect day

one ride after another, little ones, long ones,

profitable, not worth it

a cancel from an elusive good one.

two teenage you tube stars;

a vegas cocktail waitress heading home after a mid week soiree with a new love;

dude picking up his girlfriend for a romantico italiano dinner on their one year anniversary

another dude who had been hanging at a high price veggie and fruit store

said he goes there on friday nights and drinks coffee

because models shop there.

(which is true)

then two PR peeps who told me about the last time they were actually star struck.

one of the youtube stars had just recorded a song i said is it on apple she was all yes

blushing in the backseat, her bff laughing saying i know all the words

i held my phone and said PLAY SIERRA JUST THIS MOMENT

and it found it and

this girl sang soooo — like she was 30.

this girl was 17.

i said quit school.

she said i wanna learn production.

i said fall in love, and write a song a day like what andy warhol told lou reed

and when you break up write three a day.

in a good part of town. i had just washed my car. and i was thinking about putting on jazz.

as she approached she seemed younger than 30 so i switched over to todays sounds, sung by women, mostly.

she got in and we hit it off immediately. she was going to a graduation party for some of her fellow med students.

i had a soon-to-be surgeon in the back seat.

i asked her how come in movies theyre always cutting off peoples legs.

she said if you get an infection and it screws with the main blood flow or the big bone, then your leg dies anyways and there you are with a dead leg.

so you my as well cut the damn thing off.

the earlier the better.

she said back in the day, the kings would be fragile from other dumb things that they did in medicine back then and they’d break a leg and it would just die there. but no one had the guts to tell the king, dude, your leg is dead, it smells, and every time your butler pulls out the footstool, IT STINKS UP THE JOINT

one of the leading causes of old school leg deaths: too much sugar leading to diabetes.

i was sipping on a super big gulp of Classic Coke at the time.

rolled down the window and threw it right into the traffic.

im telling you, i learn something with every trip.

started later than normal but heres what i have learned about control: aint no such thing.

driving around fairfax picked up a native american which in canada they call First Nation

she was from canada – outside vancouver.

do you know of Matthew Good? i ask. “yes!” she says excitedly.

then, “is he from vancouver?”

took her to the Hollywood Bowl to see Phoenix. i think she was going alone.

got on the wrong side of the traffic jam so i headed toward Universal Studios. i figured i might get lucky and get someone leaving the park or a businessman hopefully trying to get to LAX from one of those hotels over by there.

sure enough, a ping from a hotel. hot dam! when he waved at me with his shorts and cute girlfriend i thought oh no i hope they arent here to see Phoenix because that traffic was horrible.

they were going to Griffith Observatory! whoooo hoooo.

have you seen La La Land? I ask. the observatory is prominently featured.

yes, the young lady answered scrunching her face in disapproval. but i didnt like it.

got a couple of short rides and a cancellation that Uber didn’t pay me for, so i headed home, but kept the apps on.

then around melrose and la brea get a ping from Sugarfish.

probably a couple heading home after a little sushi meal. fine. whatever. who cares. cubs are world champs.

dude says, 79th street, westchester. bango! ($28)

got home and amber, who is crashing with me while she finds a new pad, had made dinner, got dolled up

and had done all the dishes.

i shoulda played the numbers.

because i was in my old home of century city and usually there are lots of other cars around there

but things have been slow around there so i guess it has discouraged all of my competition. drove through the super tall buildings and then past Fox studios and then through the high class neighborhood to get the passenger

it was Wednesday before Memorial Day weekend so i figured it was either a $23 trip to the airport or a little jaunt to a restaurant near Rodeo.

but when i pulled up i saw the thing i most love to see: a latin american nanny waiting at the door and her employer outside with her making sure she got to the car ok.

i love it because these are trips usually far away from 90210, and as soon as she got in the car and i saw where to i was thrilled.

“we’re headed to Lynnwood” i asked.

yes, she chuckled. and off we went. it would be a $40 ride, i thought to myself, maybe more.

her english was great. thick accent but i could understand.

i asked her why her boss was using Uber Select instead of regular Uber and she said that usually she takes two busses and a train to get back and forth from work but whenever the boss or his wife makes her stay late they will get her an Uber home. One night she got this guy who was a little scary. he drove really fast on the freeway and then at stop lights he started to fall asleep.

she said she has been watching this rich man’s kids for 4 years ever since the oldest one was born. now there was a 2 year old too. she said she loved them very much and sometimes she gets a little too attached emotionally.

anyways the couple decided to get a higher level car on those rare nights and i guess they could afford it because when we got to Lynnwood they were charged $77 and i got $50 out of the deal so i was stoked.

on our way there she told me she was Guatemalan and she was married with no kids. she said most of her family had emigrated to LA about 14 years ago. her husband works in a warehouse as a fork lift dude. she says she speaks spanish to the kids she takes care of and they go to that French school on Pico, so they’ll be tri-lingual.

when i was about to drop her off i said is Carson near here, she said yes, Compton too. but she said those places are no bueno but Lynnwood is mostly hard working families and retirees.

she said it was mostly Mexican, which is too bad, because the deep fried Guatemalan tacos are much better and i should try them. i said oh trust me, i will.