remember that time

moxiewhen everything was beautiful and you could meet a cute blonde babe at a blogger mixer and

you could get her number and she let you drive her home in her porche

but she’d say my place is messy, how about yours

and you take her to your crib and youd think im the luckiest man in the world

and you knew she was maybe a republican, but nothing serious because those times were innocent

and she’d say i’ll have a drink with you but im not sleeping with you and youd wink back and say uh huh

and youd slip into something more comfortable (sweat pants and a robe) and she’d say why are you lubing up, i said we werent sleeping together

and youd say oh im 97 years old, this is for my arratica.

and shed say whats arratica

youd say i get it whenever a smokin hot babe who i only knew from stage and screen is somehow in my lair but shes gonna wanna be the little spoon

and because im a gentleman ive just gotta close my eyes and think about pete rose all night.

remember when there were things about pete rose that you could think about other than him selling his autograph in vegas malls

wearing a weird Donald Trump hat but instead of lets make america dumb again it says

hit king

and soon shes asleep and you think is she drunk? how is she asleep? how does a girl fall asleep in a strange mans bed that quickly

a strange man fully lubed with his arratica grease on his personage

christmas lights twinkling, lou reed serenading

disco ball rotating

smoke machine



i like people who post years old news of famous people’s deaths on facebook as if it just happened

sherman helmsly

i like people who call me Mr. Pierce

i like when people in the back seat of my Uber look at my Waze and say, “but it is saying to go the wrong way!”

i like when people realllllly examine the menu at the drive thru as if it is the most important decision of their lives

i like when people say, “this is not for you to Blog!”

i like when members of the big church next door ask me what the XBI means

i also like it when they call me Anthony – even though ive never introduced myself as Anthony to anyone in the world in my entire life

i like it when people look at my baseball cap and say, “Cubs, eh?” and nothing else

i like it when people say YOU SERIOUSLY EAT AT MCDONALDS?

i like it when people misquote the bible

i like it when people pay attention to the reviews a movie gets on IMdB

i like it when people say, “my friend is coming to LA, can you tell them what there is to do there?”

i like it when im about to pick up someone in my Uber and they call me and ask “where are you?”

i like saying, “i’m at Wrigley Field, mom, duh.”

dear tony, i just started high school. sucks already.

daily nexus 1990

dear tony,

im a freshman at high school and i just got my schedule. NONE of my friends from junior high are in any of my classes. zero.

you’re old, will life always be this freaky and unfair?

signed, selena gomez

dear selena,

well before you were born, i moved from illinois to california. i didnt know anyone at the city college that went to, but first quarter i started talking to this really interesting girl with ripped stockings and words all over her shoes and red lipstick and a stay away vibe. she soon became my girlfriend.

a couple years later i didnt know any one at uc santa barbara and within hours i met some of the people who have remained my closest friends for the rest of my life.

and im much shyer than you are.

in fact i made so many life long friends at college that almost all of them could be put in one of two categories: my hippy friends (below) and my newspaper friends (above)

hippie friends

now would i have met these people if for some reason a few of my friends from high school joined me in moving to LA? who knows. maybe. but maybe not.

the thing is when you have zero friends, you end up making some.
when you already have some, you might not get a lot of new ones.

i had a really good high school experience. and i think one reason was was because i got to meet a whole lot of new people, and learn from them, and grow.

for the next eight years you are going to be in an enviable position where the primary thing you have to focus on is learning

may i recommend learning everything.

from every body.

also, join the band