today is kyla’s birthday, i think shes 19?

i am not a good uncle. i probs would have been a bad dad.

my shrink asked me why i never had kids,

i said because condoms work.

she said but why didn’t you want kids?

i said, i think it was because the ladies i was getting naked with didn’t want them.

she asked, if you met someone who wanted kids would you have them?

i said, if i was in love, madly in love,

which is code for stupid, sure.

she said, you think love is stupid?

i said no, i think love is the greatest, but when you are in it you do super dumb things, and i am telling you this out of experience.

so you think having children is dumb? she asked.

i think me having kids is a risky move because of course i would love them and try to be cool to them, but i overshare and i dont see a lot of parents do that, so maybe it’s not a good thing, and if i was around little kids i would want to do the good thing, not the idealistic thing, and i have no clue what the good thing is

and maybe the good thing is to just lead by example and not be an asshole

that way if a kid, like say, my niece, sees me doing things, she will say “oh that seems not ass holey. i think i’ll do that too.”

which isnt to say i havent been an asshole to people, in fact i think about the times i have been so cruel, all the time. but i think the reason we are still breathing is to grow and learn from those sins.

kyla this year helped me transcribe some of the things ive been writing and that was an unexpected joy. and i paid her and she said you poor. i said doesnt matter, you should always ask for payment when you work.

she said, ok but how about you put it in my college fund.

which i did. totally forgetting that college for her starts soon.

in my head shes still a little kid putting on way too much sunscreen.

dear nephew, after that devastating bears loss

dear tyler,

what a game that was. what a beautiful and terrible game.

nobody will tell you this because nobody is like your uncle tony. but heres the secret about being a bears fan, that’s different than being a cub fan.

and i can say this because ive been a huge fan of both teams for a very long time. how long? let me just say: i watched bears game on a NEW black & white tv that your grandma bought.

i bet youve never even seen a black n white tv. and for that alone you should be happy.

anyways heres the secret about the bears: they are going to break your heart more often and more painfully than the Cubs ever will.

the thing about the Cubs is they’re the lovable losers. even this season they lost and we loved them. but the Bears, for some reason, always gets our hopes up. they always have players who are so outstanding that you think, oh shit they can and SHOULD win this game.

and they get you right up to the end and they stab you in the heart.

then they get your heart and put it in a pie and put the pie in a box of money, the biggest box youve ever seen, and they give that box of money to jackasses like jay cutler or kickers named cody.

so heres what you need to do. you need to use that feeling inside of you and put it to good use.

i dont know about you, but heres how im feeling: like fucking shit.

but fret not, because shit is in this world for a good reason. you think im kidding but im not. ask your grandma. shit is extremely valuable for growing the most beautiful things in the world. green grass and pretty flowers. in fact the best shit cost money and people seek it out because the better the shit the bigger and more colorful the beauty.

and this is why wrigley field is the most gorgeous place in the world.

so use that shittiness that you feel. use it to make beauty. get your dads keyboards and hook up your headphones to it and play. so many beautiful songs have been based on sadness. i would never lie to you.

either the songs were made from the shittiness of the pianist’s life, or that crappy feeling drove that person to learn to play as a means for escape or a way for them to express themselves other than doing what they really wanted to do like take a giant torch to the entire city and start over.

now uncle tony wasn’t very good at the piano, or the saxaphone or the drums, but when i was in high school we had a dog who died. Chumbi. old Chumbi wasn’t crazy about me and i wasn’t nuts about him neither but when he died i was super sad. so i went down in the basement and i beat the crap out of those drums. for an hour i was the greatest drummer in the world.

and when it was over i learned a valuable lesson. that i should stick to writing.

which is my final bit of unasked for advice. turn that shitty feeling inside into words. if you dont wanna show anyone, fine. fuck em. just write. write and write and write. write truthfully, write a bunch of lies, write a cool combo of the two, but get the poison out. turn it into something that never existed before. use that shit to grow something excellent.

you might suck at first but keep going. everyone sucks at first.

cody the kicker should have practiced more too.

dont grow up and be like him.


i love you very much. next year they’ll break our hearts in new ways. so we got that going for us.

your uncle,


do i have anything to be thankful for? i do.


starting with you, my family, and friends,


and all the great food we get to enjoy.

cubs world series ring

the Cubs of course especially Theo Epstein and the brewers of Old Style Beer.

old style

I am thankful for my health, and the health of Emily Ratajkowski.


I am thankful for my great job,


my side hustle,

when uber was fun

and high speed internet. I am thankful for my cats even though they are super weird and pretty much ungrateful and entitled.


I’m thankful for my khaleesi


and all my Uber and Lyft passengers who all want to take selfies with me for some reason.

obey peace

I am thankful for the Obey sample sale, Howard Stern, Baba Booey, Fred, Sour Shoes,

howard stern and beth stern

Fat Artie, and Robin’s health. I am thankful for the Internet, all my past and future loves.


I am thankful for German engineering, Mike Tyson,

xbi mobile in dtla next to mike tyson

and all my high school friends who have now had their dreams come true


– thanks to the Cubs, Theo and the brewers of Old Style.



I’m thankful for Taylor Swift, Rihanna, cheap gas, Anna Kournikova,


Charles Bukowski, Iceberg Slim, the Truest,

kanye smiling bc he's happy

and I pray for good health for Kanye West.

springsteen on the sunset strip

I’m grateful for Little Armenia, Hollywood Blvd., and Sunset Blvd where the freaks come out.

obama trump

I am thankful for my president, Canadian McDonalds,

the pants

all of the jobs of my past, the voters of California who made weed legal,

isla vista

Isla Vista, rock music,


hippie friends

my college friends who continue to rock, the Hollywood Bowl,

sass and her friend in my crib

Canadians who move to Cali,

bono and friends

the readers of the busblog, the moon,


my favorite book The Bible, KFC $5 Fillups,

shortsop tyler

left handed leadoff hitting shortstops who happen to be my nephew,

jeff solomon lincoln

and President Abraham Solomon

dear tony, i just started high school. sucks already.

daily nexus 1990

dear tony,

im a freshman at high school and i just got my schedule. NONE of my friends from junior high are in any of my classes. zero.

you’re old, will life always be this freaky and unfair?

signed, selena gomez

dear selena,

well before you were born, i moved from illinois to california. i didnt know anyone at the city college that went to, but first quarter i started talking to this really interesting girl with ripped stockings and words all over her shoes and red lipstick and a stay away vibe. she soon became my girlfriend.

a couple years later i didnt know any one at uc santa barbara and within hours i met some of the people who have remained my closest friends for the rest of my life.

and im much shyer than you are.

in fact i made so many life long friends at college that almost all of them could be put in one of two categories: my hippy friends (below) and my newspaper friends (above)

hippie friends

now would i have met these people if for some reason a few of my friends from high school joined me in moving to LA? who knows. maybe. but maybe not.

the thing is when you have zero friends, you end up making some.
when you already have some, you might not get a lot of new ones.

i had a really good high school experience. and i think one reason was was because i got to meet a whole lot of new people, and learn from them, and grow.

for the next eight years you are going to be in an enviable position where the primary thing you have to focus on is learning

may i recommend learning everything.

from every body.

also, join the band

sometimes the boy wakes up from his nap and hes not feeling all that

sometimes he wont want to be picked up or held. sometimes he doesnt wanna go in the pool or hot tub.

sometimes he wont wanna eat or drink or even play wii.

you can look at him and see he doesnt wanna be social but hes pretty adorable so you might wanna mess with him a little.

wanna go for a drive, tyler?


wanna fly a plane, my man?


wanna trade some arms for hostages?


whats the opposite of yes?


if nancy reagan wants to sell you some ecstasy what should you say?


if nancy reagan has a really great price if you buy ten, and you know her stuff is pharmasutical grade, what should you say?


what should the cubs have said to ryan dempsters agent when he asked $52 million to resign his client?


was it right for the dems to pretend that everything was totally chill with senator lieberman after he sold out his party and aligned with mccain palin?


will you be buying the new beyonce record?


what about artie langes new book “too fat to fish”


wait what? you got something against the baby gorilla?


then why not support the man? hate reading suddenly?


when you wanna rent a car and the dude pressures you into getting that insurance whaddya say?


been watching that paris hilton tv show where she picks her new bff?


wanna set up your bowling pins and play for like 47 hours straight?


my brother in law surprised me with a phone call today

thank youfuckers been here for days and hasnt told me. so even though today i was super busy, as always, like crazy busy, i was very happy to have him take me out to dinner.

for some reason my mom didnt tell me he was gonna be here either cuz she thought that i didnt care cuz any time she tells me that some crazy cousin or some weird relative i met when i was 3 is in town i yawn and when pressed to hang out with them i threaten suicide.

but i have nothing but love for my brother in law. not only did he marry my only sister, which i appreciate. but he helped create two beatiful kids, one of whom totally looks like me, and hes even raising them, which im also stoked about.

and he takes after my moms household, automotive, and spiritual needs at no extra charge.

hes a very good man. hes very quiet. hes very white. and hes top shelf if you ask me.

so when he said he wanted thai food i was all, palms thai of course.

but then we started driving and the sun was setting and the poor dudes gotta go back to chicago where he says the weathers been shitty all summer so i said lets go to the beach and eat around there. and just as we had decided on touristy gladstones, danielle, who formerly lived two blocks away from gladstones called me to ask me if major league baseball players get paid their major league salary when theyre sent down to the minors – it depends on their contracts – i asked her if there were any good thai places near gladstones.

she said yes, Thai Beach, just north of the Reel Inn

and there it was right across the street from the beach, there on pch.

we ate delicious foods, i smiled at a waitress who wasnt ours, everyone in the place eating were suspicious characters, my brother in laws work paid for the whole thing, and it was quite a lovely situation.

when we got back to my place, i did the only thing my family has done to him for as long as we’ve known him, we put him to work. i had him connect my faulty WiFi

and the craziest thing is he tried to fix it and after an hour of tinkering, he couldnt do it.

and i thought to myself, i coulda sworn he was xbi.

but nope, hes just nice.

my life is so dull.

aunt mimipeople ask me how much of this is true and i tell them none and then they don’t believe me.

i never get to play major league baseball. i never get to hit three run home runs. i never get hit in the head by some soloman torres chin music that ends up cracking my helmet.

i pretty much just fly chopper one all day, take the bus home, and watch tv. i guess i cant expect wild craziness to happen if im just sitting on my ass pausing live tv on my damned tivo and taking pictures of palm trees and traffic lights.

heres what my astrology says for this week:

Libra for the week of April 17, 2003 by Rob Brezney

My acquaintance Judith decided to go all out in helping her daughter sell Girl Scout cookies. She filled her garage with cases of all nine varieties in preparation for a marketing onslaught on friends and neighbors. Then one night disaster struck. Raccoons exploited a hole in the roof to break in and plunder the stash. But while the marauders ripped open boxes of every cookie type, they ate only one: the Samoas, also known as Carmel deLites, which are covered in caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut, and laced with chocolate stripes. In the coming week, Libra, I urge you to be like those raccoons in this one regard: Unleash your passionate hunger very precisely. Don’t go after what you sorta kinda like; pluck only the treats you long for with all your heart.

So what do i long for with all my heart?

a great job that pays me a bunch of money? for the Cubs to win the world series? world peace? for my afro to return to even more glorious splendor? a super hot bisexual girlfriend who is constantly trying to impress me?


a house, a car, a horse, a bar, no more spam, all the local channels across the usa on my directv at a reasonable price?

a nice big fluffy dog named Ruffy?

71 comments on every post that i write from people who want to tell me how cool i am and how beautiful moxie is?

a good cd from beck that sounds more like odelay and less like mutations?

for my phone here at the office to stop ringing since i have a hangover?

for the cute girl in the typing pool to ask me out to koo koo roo for lunch?

to get an interview to work on the howard stern show?

to get to blog for a living while traveling the world?

for the fcc to say that boobies on cable tv are ok, since they are just boobies after all and since we live in america after all, the land of the free and home of the brave after all and they’re just boobies and kids don’t need as much protection from boobies as we thought?

for my aunt to know that i love her and i was happy that she called me on easter even though i haven’t talked to her in probably 75 years?

yes, i think i would want that one, mr. astrology man.