what people may not know is theres bricks behind that ivy

chicago might look soft and fuzzy on the outside but

theres a realness right there that you will never forget.

wrigley fields over 100 years old,

they had plenty of time to figure out how to put padding over those bricks

and sew ivy into it.

but fuck that.

what is this, recess?

wrigley field is where dick butkus played most of his games

in the cold

through the wind.

gayle sayers, brian piccolo.

it’s where ditka played.

tinkers to evers to chance.

at wrigley babe ruth pointed at right field in the world series

and you know what he said?

he said

theres fucking bricks in that shit.


do you know i love you? sure, but *do* you?

i do.

it may not feel that way if you judge the number of times i write in the world famous, but trust me, that’s no way to measure any of this

ive been writing like a dog on Los Angeleno. did you know dogs can write? Woof!

because i dont think my mom has bookmarked where my new stuff is, i will link to it now

Famous Silver Lake Foot Sign Saved from Thieves by Los Feliz Store Owner

Happy Foot Doctor Reunites with Nearly-Stolen Sign

Despite AB 5, Uber Drivers Would Rather Quit Than Be Employees

What It Was Like to Work at Popeyes During the Chicken Sandwich Frenzy

Trojans Continue Unsafe Vaping Habits Despite Recent Warnings

is that all i’ve done? i’m so exhausted i feel like ive done more. oh well. i got another coming out tomorrow about living on Obama Blvd. ive been doing the social over there too. going to meetings. meeting the people. meeting the readers happens this week too. so much.

driving a lot. here, there, south central, the valley. my interior door handle broke. it’s just flaccid. i have to roll the window down, unlock the door, then open the door, then roll up the window, then turn off the car. then shut the door.

need to go to the shop, but when you drive a Benz you’re all, damn Klaus, how much is this gonna cost me? so i just go through the little window ballet. im not complaining.

actually i am, about the firing of Joe Maddon, the Cubs manager. the guy who won us the world series after 108 years.

im particularily mad because i see myself in him a little tiny bit. i too feel like i have been let go from gigs after accomplishing the miraculous and then as soon as it’s time to re-up they show you the door. Joe Maddon deserves a statue at Wrigley, not a kick in the pants. it tore me up yesterday when he was shown the door.

he shoulda said sorry i didnt win the world series for you year after year. sorry i only broke a hundred year drought. sorry i treated everyone with class and answered every question, and injected fun and playfulness and love to this craziness.

as drake says these hos aint loyal

and you know shits fucked when im quoting the champagne papi.

anyways, i wouldnt do you like that at zankou chicken.

today in cub twitter

Anthony Rizzo has played over 1,200 innings in the majors.

A giant majority of that time was as a first baseman.

Over the course of the last few years he has spent a total of 5 innings as a second baseman… on a technicality.

occasionally Joe Maddon positions players very aggressively on bunts. Rizzo is positioned ridiculously close to home and the true second baseman covers first.

Because he is basically to the side of the pitcher’s mound during the pitch,

MLB rules say Rizzo can’t use a first baseman’s glove because those are only used for the player closest to first.

He exchanges his huge glove with the second baseman for a normal sized one.

During those outs, he’s being recorded as a second baseman.

They are rare.

Extremely rare.

The Cubs have done that zero times this season so far.

But Rizzo, always the jokester, identifies himself as a first AND second baseman on his Twitter bio.

how do you solve a problem like sammy

once upon a time baseball needed saving.

it had just gone through a meaningless strike that turned off its fans to the sport

basketball had arrived in full force and football filled in the blanks

if anything the baseball strike reminded some how little they cared about the so called national past time.

but then mark macgwire and sammy sosa started hitting massive dongs nearly every day which reminded some how much they love the long ball.

not just that, but in chicago, sammys prowess at the plate helped catapult a not-too-shabby cubs team into the post season, something they hadn’t done in years.

in the north side sammy was king. every time he stepped to the plate it was appointment television. in total good ole #21 slammed 541 home runs as a Cub, breaking none other than Mr. Cub’s team record of 512 set way back in 1971.

near the end of sammy’s career with the cubs, two things happened: he got caught with a corked bat (which he claimed was his “practice bat” and never meant for a game), and he didn’t show up for his last day at work.

and also he has been accused by many that he used performance enhancing drugs – although that has never been proved, and he has denied it. he never once failed a test nor was ever suspended for it despite having a long career.

some say, well what about the leaked drug report of 2013 where sammy’s name was alongside other greats as having failed a secret drug test?

well the commissioner of baseball is now doubting that report. as he should.

which brings us to the weird state of sammy sosa in the hearts of chicago cub fans.

many don’t like him.

some have turned their back on him.

the man who saved baseball from the greatest park in sport is not welcome in the friendly confines because, in part, he just didn’t want to spend an awkward day saying goodbye to the cubs on his last day of the season before he was due to get traded.

and for some reason some cub fans, typically the most forgiving and lovable souls in the world, were so offended that they have not made him feel welcome enough for a return.

and on top of that, the new owners of the team refuse to welcome him back until he apologizes for that last day.

it is the strangest thing ive ever seen, and i specialize in strange fucking shit.

former cub slugger Dave Kingman went to the Lake instead of Wrigley on Dave Kingman tshirt day, in part because he was one the injured list and didn’t want to deal.

but nobody called Kingman an asswipe when he moved on with his life.

perhaps it was because Cub fans were amazed with Kingman’s ability to hit monster homers, but he usually struck out 8-9 times for every blast. Sammy was a real player. And he was quick on the basepaths, and deft in the outfield. we had fallen in love with him and so it hurt when he didn’t say bye.


well, i still love him.

i am still grateful.

i am glad he saved baseball and i dont care what he didnt do that one time, and what he may have done those other times. im just happy that he brought a light to my favorite place in the world.

sammy doesnt have to say sorry for shit.

i had a job interview yesterday for work at a cannabis company

it went so well.

the guy was laughing, he was right there with me.

when it was over he said he would call the person who this person reports to and set up a time for her to talk with me.

i was so happy. i had researched this company Nardwaur-style. i read everything i could, i watched videos, looked at the HTML of their site in case they asked me about SEO.

and then a few hours later he said she would talk to me today. today! perfecto!

so we talked today. she is very smart, well spoken, she had all the answers to my questions. but it was hard to hear if she actually liked me. and she had to run to a meeting so we had to end it quickly.

the other day i watched this video that made me cry.

it was reactions that Cub fans had when the Cubs finally won the world series.

old men and young women, all of them crying.

i cried too.

when you wait 108 years to grab the golden ring it is lovely but a bit bittersweet because of all the people who lived and died and never got to have that feeling of their team being The Best.

after watching that video the other day it dawned on me that i have already “accomplished” my wildest dreams, seeing the Cubs in the World Series in person topped it. and going to their victory parade is something i never imagined. but there i was.

i have had incredible jobs where we as a team had huge successes, bigger ones than i could have predicted. i have had the best girlfriends, the best friends, i live in an amazing town. i have had a good life.

for months ive been sweating over what the next job will be. will i just work for myself? will i work for someone else? what will people think i am when they look at my resume and talk to me on the phone for a half hour?

do they believe that the success i have had will help them achieve their dreams?

who knows. then theres the wild card that we read in the Bible that the Lord hardens people’s hearts from time to time. mama mia.

so i guess the thing is you have to Trust. if you’re going to believe in God, which i do, then you just have to enjoy the ride even if it takes you down roads you weren’t planning to take, and even if you’re stuck on the side of the road longer than you want.

maybe you’re not stuck.

maybe you’re there because there’s something for you to see.

or maybe this is the time to read those books or podcast with those people or do that thing or get that rest or omg work out or omg go to the library.

maybe you dont know everything and control is an illusion and

maybe you said what is true for you in that interview

and that is all you can do.

the Cubs won the world series.

all of this now is gravy.

relax and enjoy the parade.

my mom gets nervous when i dont update this blog

and its true, for years i would write 2-3 times a day, youd think that now that im lazing about the house i’d be writing twice as much but what do you say when you are constantly job hunting or working out on your soul and your six pack abs?

the cubs are doing well, thats all that matters, really.

this week they signed the closer that they need, an all star who for some reason wasn’t getting signed by anyone this spring. was he asking too much? was he nuts? was he too old at 31? was his agent a dope? if this guy was so good why had no one snatched him up?

all fascinating questions. the cubs still paid him $43 million for three years. which is in the neighborhood that im looking to earn in my next gig, btw.

last night i went to bed in not the best shape. i was nervous about the future, something the bible advises against. consider the lilies of the field, it says, they dont have agents, they belong to no unions, they dont have a sinking fastball and still they live great lives because God loves them, so think how much more he loves us, who have amazing changeups and circle curves.

but i couldnt sleep so i turned my phone on and clicked over to linkedin… maybe there was a job i hadnt noticed that i should apply for. and there it was. right next to the job i am still waiting to hear from. yes at the very bottom they are asking for some space age futuristic things, but the bulk of the job is right up my alley.

then i couldnt fall asleep for all the right reasons. i had visions of sugar plums dancing through my head. all the ideas came rushing though. color returned to my cheeks. my heart started beating and mama mia was my brain going into overdrive.

one idea tapdanced in front of another. boom boom boom. and all brilliant ones. then, lurking in the background, arose the greatest of all ideas ever. it’s ambitious, it’s glorious, it would be a game changer, a sweeping force if ever there was one, and this company could pull it off better’n any of them. theyd have to believe in me though.

but the crazy thing is, it wouldn’t cost much to pull off. i mean they could invest *money* into it, but it’s not necessary. the lilies don’t buy facebook ads and people drive out to the superbloom in droves. this would be a super dooper bloom of love.

4am, 5am. finally i ate a croissant and drank a glass of juice. another idea. an old one from the past, but with a new hat. oh and another idea. what about this. MY COVER LETTER IS GOING TO BE A NOVELLA!

so then i thought, should i go in great detail one some of these ideas so they can take a glimpse of my genius, or should i just list the code names of the concepts as teases?

First in Line
The Perfect Room
Disturbing the Piece
Somebody Walks in LA
Press Conference, Jr.

OK enough procrastination. On to the application.

today bill buckner died, he was 69

when i was a little kid i got bill buckner’s autograph on my baseball mitt

dumb move because i used that glove a lot and it quickly smeared off.

later good ole #22 would agree to sign autographs at this video store near my home

hardly anyone showed up and i got there just as he was leaving.

his handler said, sorry kid, shows over.

and that changed the way i felt about my once favorite Cub.

then, of course, he let a Mookie Wilson ball roll though his legs when he was playing for Boston in the 1986 world series.

that made me like him again because it was such a Cub thing to do.

but most people don’t remember another important ball that billy buck didn’t catch

in 1974 when Hank Aaron was about to break Babe Ruth’s unbreakable home run record

it was shaggy headed bill buckner in left field, he then of the Dodgers.

when the ball sailed over his bushy eyebrows he tried to scale the fence.

Cubs announcer Len Kasper asked him years later if he was trying to catch the most famous dong

“No, I wanted to jump into the bullpen and get the ball!” he said of the valuable piece of history.

how it’s done

There is so much negativity every day out there. But here’s something nice. And one of the reasons I love people so much.

Jake Arrieta was traded to the Cubs from Baltimore in 2013 for two guys named Scott and a bucket of mud. He was so bad the Cubs sent him to the minors twice that year.

But something happened in 2014. The coaching, the catchers, the team? Who knows but he began to transform into an amazing pitcher.

In 2015 he no-hit the Dodgers, pitched a complete game in the NL Wild Card game and easily earned the Cy Young Award as the best pitcher in the NL.

In 2016 he was one of the anchors for the Cubs winning the World Series. On the way there he crushed a home run in San Francisco off Madison Bumgarner. And then he won two games in the 7 game epic series against the Indians.

Early last year his contract ended and the Philadelphia Phillies offered him $75 million over three years. The Cubs chose to spend about that much on a different pitcher, one Yu Darvish.

Because life is weird, Jake never faced the Cubs last year at Wrigley Field, but tonight he did. And because National League baseball is superior, pitchers bat, like the Founders intended.

And as fate would have it, Yu is pitching against him. But before the young Japanese hurler could begin, the crowd at the Friendly Confines lived up to their name and gave their once favorite son a huge ovation. And because Darvish is a gentleman, when he heard the roar, he stepped off the mound so the crowd could embrace the man who was so vital to that all-important championship.

I am tearing up typing this because it is so beautiful. I love these fans so much and I am one of them. This is what gratefulness is. This is what sportsmanship is. This is love.

palm reader said, yo, come here

i was all no thank you

she said oh im not trying to give you a reading, i have to ask you a question

i said, whats your question

she said, you always seem so happy. whats your secret?

i was like, oh, simple. the cubs won the world series.

she was all, but that was in 2016.

i said, seems like yesterday.

and as i was walking home she said, thats it? a bunch of people you dont know, all wearing the same color score more points than the other team and for the rest of your life you’re in a good mood?

i kept walking and said pretty much

she said, wait wait, what?

i stopped and said, that season lasted six months. from spring training i knew they were gonna do it. then every month good things happened. then they won. now imagine in the spring you thought bad things were gonna happen, then every month horrible things went down. then in novemember so many bad things happened that millions of people filled the streets. you might still be bummed years later. well, the opposite happened. miracles after miracles. then a huge parade. and now joy. probably forever.

how is craig kimbrel still unemployed?

last night high priced starting pitcher Yu Darvish ($21 million a year for six years) had one of his best outings as a Cub. he went 5 innings, gave up 5 hits, 2 earned runs, allowed 0 walks, and struck out 11 batters.

If over 5 innings there are 15 outs and 11 of them are due to whiffing, I’d say the pitcher did pretty damn well.

unfortunately games last at least 9 innings and the relievers who came in for Yu weren’t as effective and the Cubs lost in the bottom of the 10th.

even though the Cubs have one of the best records in baseball this year, they are successful in spite of not having their high priced closer, or their backup closer. both are injured.

if there’s any team who understands the importance of every. single. game, it should be the Cubs since last year they ended up with the identical record after 162 games with their new rivals the Milwaukee Brewers and were forced to play a 163rd game (which they lost), which forced them to play a wild card game (which they also lost).

you cant lose extra inning games to Cincinnati when your starter hands the bullpen a lead. that’s why there are closers.

some really good teams have omg two solid pitchers in the bullpen. a closer and a set up man. im old enough to remember the Bronx Zoo completely shutting down games when Dick Tidrow would come in for the 8th and Sparky Lyle ended it in the 9th.

which brings us to All Star free agent closer Craig Kimbrel who can’t seem to find a team willing to pay what theyve paid other superstar bullpen aces. is he asking for too long of a contract? is his agent a creep? should any of that matter?

why build a damn theme park around your ball park if you’re not going to use some of those profits for what is sorely needed?