sass sang when i dropped her off at the standard last night
it had been a totally bizarre and complete day and night.
woke up early drove to the mechanic who for some reason kept skipping over me as we talked. id be all yeah i think its my brakes, and someone else would pull in and hed excuse himself and help the person and assign a mechanic and then come back to me.
this repeated for a half hour.
when you live in hollywood you either assume its a tv show or you assume its hollywood thus totally insane.
and the weirdest thing is when i arrived he pulled up my history and clearly i had laid out some serious cash at this establishment and i was being ignored for a guy wanting an oil change.
finally signed the papers and hailed a cab. two guys in the cab. cabbie says in a perfect armenian accent, scuse us he is training. huge guy in a dirty tshirt waves.
they speed up for all the right instances but slow down as we pass an armenian church. they take in its beauty and say to me armenian church. we discuss churches as i catch up on my work emails.
an incredibly bold and daring illegal left turn is attempted but at the last minute aborted in favor of driving through the parking lot of a pizza joint. perfectly a super old man sloooooowly backs up his old man car out of his parking spot. we’re trapped as he completes an 8-point turn.
they drop me off at the dentist and the lady cleans my teeth. 80s music was on. do you think they will play 00s music in the dentist office in 30 years? what even is 00s music? britney and eminem?
took another cab back to the mechanic. pay way too much. drive to work. first stop off at jack in the crack. get to work. so not boring. teach very nice people how to use typepad. finally get to my regular work. solve all the worlds problems. have a good meeting with my boss. sxsw plans are finalized.
meanwhile karisa seems to think that we are going to dine tonight. but wait i thought you had to run 17 miles tonight. the reason karisa isnt going to sxsw, btw, shes running the la marathon. barefoot like zola budd. she was all i am running tonite but just 16 miles, but only if i can get out of work at a decent hour.
karisa hasnt been the most reliable dinner attendee so i took it with a grain of doubt cuz seriously who can totally redesign a website run half a marathon and be ready for dinner at a reasonable hour?
so when sass txted me to see what i was doing for dinner i was all look at that.
picked her and her american apparel cohort up in the lobby of the swanky hotel. they were both wearing, well, whatever it was there was a lot of leg showing and my plan of going to south central and grabbing some soul food was being voted. take us somewhere cool.
only catch was model girl couldnt eat glutton. hmmmm. she asked for a place with fried rice. sass wanted sushi. best sushi in lil tokyo is hama. but theyre good cuz they dont have a lot of crap on the menu. we were certain they woudlnt have fried rice. and they didnt so we went next door to T.O.T. and were very pleased.
poor girls hadnt eaten all day. sass said that they were gonna spend the night at the hotel and didnt feel like partying. asked if i had any good books to read. so i gave her a copy of stiff that i had just found, cruddy by lynda barry, and scar tissue by anthony keidis. on the way back to downtown, who says she will be ready at 10:30?
so wait does this mean two dinners? i think it does. fortunately i could probably eat five if you put a gun to my head. at 10:31 there she was, hair blowing in the wind, and a greeting thatd be music to anyones ears: imma drink lots of sake.
sushi was served. sake was poured. then some badass sake was served and i realized we hadnt dranken any water had any beer or any soda. sake. food. sake. food. needless to say an excellent conversation was had including photographic evidence from both parties.
and even though i had a delicious scoop of green tea ice cream with one of those chocolate cookie straws, these words appeared in front of me as i drove home
perfect nights should end creme filled
so i stopped past randys donuts, saw a cop car looking at a fat lady in a halter, figured she couldnt possibly be a hooker, and drove off.
randys is a drive thru donut store so as i was driving through i noticed that whoops, she probably was, uh, loitering.
and she is nicer and hotter in person than in the blawwwg world
last night we ate at my favorite sushi joint, which she quietly said was the best sushi shed ever had in her whole life (and shes asian!) then we drove around LA
then we met up with a porn star and an american apparel model and sang karaoke in Los Feliz and drank and drank
afterwards the girls took cabs to their mansion on a hill and i drifted off wondering if it had all been a beautiful dream.
for more on Sass’s invasion of LA, check out Zucket dot com
busblog: if you would be so kind, could you email me the answers to the questions the kids posed to you? sass: I’m on the bus right now won’t be home for another 4 hours But I’ll email them to you then Can’t view your haloscan from the BB busblog: fair enough enjoy the bus molsen golden!
sass: Bah I’m boredddd busblog: noooooo practice french with the driver?
sass: Newp I know ask me the questions here ongchat Ifyawanna
lily: innie or outtie sass: Innie. Outties are just asking to be poked inwards.
Chris Carnaghi: You are in the Super Market and you see some guy is checking you out. You can see his obvious glances and you know what is coming next. What is the best way to approach you to ask you out. Not in general but for you. The caviat is, yes you think he is hot and you want to be asked out by said stalker. sass: Say “Hi I’m _______. What’s your name? Can I take you out sometime?” Cuz if yer hot and I clearly want you to ask me out just cut to the chase. And if you’re actually a dud then I can say “No” and we can move on. To seperate aisles.
andrea: What kind of cookies should I bake for Christmas? I’m baking for about ten. sass: Chocolate chip, you can’t go wrong with chocolate chip. But you have to buy really awesome shaped cookie cutters.
Liu Yanan: what’s your dream? sass: Well last night I dreamt that I was in the basement stock room of American Apparel and some kid came down there and stole a backpack full of socks.
busblog: what do you think that symbolizes in relation to yr life? sass: That I work at American Apparel and I didn’t have enough socks because I had to wear 2 pairs at a time in Montreal cuz it was that cold. Duh.
tony says: state your name and province please sass says: Sass, Ontario
tony says: i like your blog. its funny, it’s fun sass says: I like your blog. It’s great. and good. grood.
tony says: but i have one question, why do you get rid of the faces of your girls? sass says: Raymi asked me the same thing the other day. It’s because it’s my choice to put all my bidness up on the public interweb, not my friends’. so it’s just safer to leave them unrecognizable unless they have a blog too and plaster their faces on a public domain in their own accord.
tony says: did all of them request such privacy? sass says: Nope, but some have. Now it’s just a keeping it consistent thing. Cuz I’ll take pics and my friends will be like “Ooooh are you going to black out my face on your blog?”
tony says: and theyre ok with that? i thought the girls in canada were damn near all cam-loving bicurious exhibitionists sass says: Totes. But they can do that on their own facebook profiles. I don’t want the responsibility of exhibiting them.
tony says: why didnt you party with raymi, christie, and that crew when i was up there for new years? sass says: Cuz I didn’t jump on the blogging bandwagon til March. And I’m not friends with Raymi. Yet. But hollatchagirl the next time you’re here
tony says: and yet i understand that you blogspotted her the other day but didnt say hi? true? sass says: Uh no. I was “slumming it” at this wing and rib place in our mutual hood and she was walking on the streetskies with Fil, and she waved. and I waved back and I had the urge to jump out the window and get all crazy on her (not really) but I decided that would be stupid. and also she was already gone before the end of that thought process.
tony says: youre not a hockey player, youre not in Rush, and you werentblogging, so what on earth were you doing in Canada before March?
sass says: I can’t remember. Nothing’s real until it’s on a blog anyway. sass says: That’s a lie. sass says: Crying and bitching all the time about my heinous, awful ex-boyfriend to everyone and anyone. Now I just do it on wordpress.
tony says: arent you still in college? sass says: No. I’m a child prodigy.
tony says: ok so when did you start reading blogs? sass says: Erm. 2004?? I had a xanga page then. tony says: oh my sass says: Yea I kept it up until 2006. Then I started having real boyfriends and broke up with xanaga. Now I’m completely babeless spend my energy on a blog instead.
tony says: and you never went to college? sass says: Oh no, I did. From 2002 – 2007. Wait. I totally got my xanga dates wrong then. Hold on let me check when my first post was tony says: holding… sass says: June 10th 2002 sass says: My first ever blog post sass says: It’s 2:15 am in Toronto. I’ve lost my fucking mind. sass says: So ok, I’m been blogging since 2002. I have a good memory though. I swear.
tony says: so you graduated two years ago tony says: what have you done since then? sass says: Well I stopped taking any course December 06. But I didn’t convocate til June, so all my graduation day photos would be with my friends. tony says: such a girl decision sass says: I worked at Club Monaco. But they had rats and my gay boyfriend quit. So a few days later so did I. Then he got a job where I work now and 2 weeks later I started working there too. Then that week I started dating my ex who’s known as “The Fifth” on my blog. My life pathetically revolved around him. And now I’m less pathetic. Because I have a blog.
tony says: you live in the Annex, if i remember correctly, true? sass says: Hells yea. That’s where Raymi lives too. tony says: raymi talks hella shit about the annex tony says: but denies living there sass says: I love the annex. tony says: why does raymi talk shit? i think she says its yuppie? sass says: Well I hear her address is 123 Penis Lane, Sandusky, Ohio, which isn’t in the Annex at all. tony says: ahahahahaha sass says: I don’t know why she talks shit. I think it’s all the fucktards in her building. I think the Annex is the happiest place in the world. For me at least. sass says: Because I’ve never existed elswhere in Toronto except for the Annex/U of T bubble.
tony says: ok so that place is populated with young people, youre in the biggest city in Canaduh, so why are you obsessed with exes and pretending that you dont have any other life outside of blogging? sass says: Just the one really. Only because it ended so terribly and the drama continued til I don’t know April. sass says: I do have a life outside of blogging. As my blog exhibits.
tony says: what was so terrible about the end? did he get with your bff? sass says: No with the girl who played his love interest on his TV show. tony says: omg was that YOUR sex tape i saw? sass says: I don’t have a sex tape. But I do have nude photes. tony says: wait, bro has a tv show? sass says: Yea in fact one of Raymi’s friends was the director. That’s probably giving too much info. tony says: raymi is too connected sass says: So am I. Foo.
tony says: ok so why are you going to move to the hk then sass says: I’m not. But my mom likes to dangle the idea to me on a weekly basis. sass says: I was born there. Lived there for 10 years or so. My parents still live there. tony says: do you habla chinese? sass says: Oui tony says: have you ever been with a chinese dude? sass says: Define “been with” tony says: omg OMG wait yes Yes YES!OOOOOOOOOOOMG o. m. g. tony says: etc sass says: I’ve never had sex with a Chinese guy sass says: I’ve made out with 2. That’s it. I think. tony says: any explanation for this? sass says: Just haven’t met one I’ve been attracted to the point of doing it? tony says: in your Match.com profile you say that you only like dudes over 6’2″ – could that be the reason? sass says: I don’t have a Match.com profile. sass says: But in my About Sass page I do say that. sass says: It could be the reason why I don’t like Asian guys. But it’s also the reason why I don’t like a lot of white guys either.
tony says: so its the blacks you love? perfect. sass says: No, I’ve never even made out with a black guy. sass says: They’re rare, where I frequent. sass says: At U of T I was at a college which was mainly Jewish. sass says: At Club Monaco, boys were mainly gay. And not Black. There’s one black guy at my office now. that’s about it.
tony says: why were you at a gay club? and why did your bf start working there? this is all very curious sass says: Club Monaco is a clothing store. They have them in LA. It’s owned by Ralph Lauren. It’s very much like Banana Republic only everything isn’t in subdued khaki pansy colours but black and white tony says: i think im glad i have never heard of it sass says: http://www.clubmonaco.com/052008/default.asp tony says: i only wear clothes my mom got me at sears 15 years ago sass says: Zexy. tony says: yeah those clothes are gay times a million sass says: TOTES. But hot. sass says: And chic. sass says: I can’t bring myself to buy anything from there now that I don’t have an employee discount.
tony says: do you get a lot of readers on your blog? sass says: No sass says: It’s still a baby sass says: But I ought to. Doncha think? tony says: yes i do sass says: Woot! sass says: I like you. Let’s be friends. And party. In the Annex. Or not. So Raymi will come. tony says: i like all of canada. even the parts canadians say are lame sass says: I haven’t been to many parts. So i’ll take your word for it. tony says: seen one igloo seen em all
tony says: ok so when are you gonna get over your ex? sass says: Ugh…. who knooooowwwsss. Probably when I start legitimately liking someone else. I’m not over him because I have no other reference of ‘boy’ in my head except for him. tony says: was he your first bf? sass says: Oh and that I’m friends with his friends and he live 960 metres away from me. sass says: No, he was the third boyfriend. tony says: is that far away or close? tony says: in america we only use centimeters sass says: Let me convert that into miles tony says: gratzi sass says: 0.596516345 miles. tony says: half mile eh tony says: enough to skip there sass says: enough to spit sass says: Raymi’s right. The Annex SUCKS. tony says: ahahahaha sass says: He lives on the street side too. So even my friends have developed a habit of looking into his window when they walk by. I don’t anymore. Because if I see the blinds shut I know he’s fucking in there. And I don’t want to know that anymore.
tony says: poor girl. so wait have you met Raymi yet? sass says: No. Just that wave from yonder side of the glass of St. Louis Bar & Grill. But soon. tony says: shes great, as is fil. and christie. and christies girls sass says: Who’s Christie? She’ll have to be my friend then too. tony says: when youre on my blog, if you click the top banner picture deal it goes to her blog on the LA Times. she lives in yr hood too. sass says: Funny pages 2.0? tony says: yep sass says: She’s hot. She’s got that evil raised eyebrow, smirk thing going on there on her blurb. I don’t think she’d be friends with me though. I can tell. tony says: and thats where youre wrong tony says: isnt it nice to be wrong sometimes? sass says: No. Never. In fact tonight my best friend Kate yelled out loud while I was talking to some guy “Don’t you know? SASS ALWAYS HAS TO BE RIGHT!”
tony says: ok if youre not gonna be a doctor in china, what do you want to be when you grow up? sass says: MTV VJ. or a Pussycat Doll. sass says: Make it happen Tony, make it happen. tony says: but of course tony says: are you a good dancer? sass says: Totes. tony says: Christie should be on tv too. maybe you two can do a show together sass says: Raymi. Christie and I should all do a show together. tony says: no no. not raymi sass says: why not? sass says: She’s my fave. tony says: raymi cannot share the camera with anyone. let alone two other babes tony says: shes my fave too. but she needs her own deal sass says: Fine. Ok. The more famous one gets her own deal. tony says: maybe you could tie her up in the corner. and have her screaming in the background “I COULD BE DOING THIS BETTER!” sass says: No, that would be cruel. Dinkus. tony says: cruel or hilarious? sass says: Only when the cruelty is inflicted on shady motherfuckers. sass says:I’ll have Raymi sing on the show.
tony says: you three should go to the cat and the fiddle. or whatever it is that karaoke place is sass says: What’s that? tony says: under the holiday inn sass says: oh fox and the fiddle.
tony says: you will be happy to know that i went to Panda Express tonight sass says: Sacrilege tony says: sometimes you want fast n easy chinese. tony says: and they had a donation thing for the Sichauan Relief fund sass says: Oh. sass says: That’s gangster. tony says: and it had several $10 bills in there sass says: YAY! yea the momsicle calls every other day telling me how terrible it all is. and crying. which really disturbs me, because she’s usually such an evil bitch. tony says: and this got to her? sass says: yea. majorly. sass says: we don’t get hourly updates here in north america tony says: sometimes tragedies wake people up sass says: yea it is. like i said in my blog, Chinese people are so strangely connected tony says: even though theres a billion of ya? sass says: not that other people aren’t emphatic sass says: but like if something happened in poland sass says: or i don’t know Ireland. sass says: all the “Irish-Canadians” will probably feel less personally involved than all the Chinese do at this point. I really just feel terrible about all the horrendous damage, deaths, amputations, orphans, like I wish my parents could adopt a kid who lost their leg or something. sass says: but they’re too old to be eligible. tony says: thats sad sass says: Yea. Way to end on a light note, sass. tony says: its ok. i loved your video and now we can include it sass says: yea i’m waiting for my friend who offered me $20. Then i’m just gonna write off a cheque for $100 or something tony says: if you have paypal my readers have been known to paypal people
sass says: Why can’t i see older posts other than the ones on the first page of your blog? sass says: I only started reading when i found the link off of Raymi’s page sass says: and i like your poetry. a lot. tony says: awww thanks! tony says: i am trying to get people to read only the new stuff every day sass says: also i hadn’t seen any other interviews so i was like what the deal? tony says: i am on the cusp of scorpio, so you know, mystery, etc sass says: libra? or saggitt-loserus tony says: libra sass says: niceee tony says: 10/22 sass says: oooh! Zac Hanson’s birthday tony says: that was a little too quick. sass says: haha also my childhood bff’s sharon’s birthday tony says: great lets have a pajama party.
is when trouble strikes, or bad news, or tragedy hits, or the bears lose you can shut the drapes, crack open some cuban, light a fire, and just chill.
it was windy today and my directv didnt want to come in clear. i was nervous beforehand so i drove and drove an i was across the street from canters at kickoff with the radio on but not the game.
i should have just driven to the beach and watched the water go in and go out and go in and go out she would recommend right now or sex but i dont think these young girls realize that when a man has had sex as long as a college graduate with a degree in poetry has, oftentimes his mind wanders while in the act and i know i would have been thinking about the running game
or the suddenly impotent defense
or the punter
who will die tonight
or the fact that nobody seemed interested in covering their best wide receiver.
lets just talk about it shed say and put her hand down my dark side of the moon pajama bottoms and id say i dont wanna talk about it
lets not talk about it the otherd say and flash me with her free hand while stirring the spaghetti and id say i cant stop thinking about it.
i couldnt log onto blogger for the last few days. my phone wouldnt stop ringing. my email was getting full. all the things i didnt want to happen happened and i still tried to control destiny but i couldnt.
its obvious i need a television in my bedroom.
and an airsign girlfriend who doesnt speak english
and doesnt want to learn.
whose skin will break out if she wears anything but lingerie
and refuses to have break outs.
and i need tomorrow off but i have to see my new lawyer.
brad pitt looks the way i feel which is: werent things supposed to be radically different?
and when white boys wear their hat backwards, its an s.o.s. to the world
just like when youre worldtraveling and you slip on a new york city tshirt
or when youre with the hottest chick on the crust and you cant crack a smile
or when youre with the hottest chick and you dont toucher
and your pants arent ripped at the knees from gettin her in the van when everyones sleeping
sometimes you just have a bad feeling deep inside and its best to just let it come right up and spew out
and whoever let that st. louis jagoff joe buck do the play by play for the most important game by a chicago football team in twenty years deserves all the curses written herein.
and the weirdest thing is when i arrived he pulled up my history and clearly i had laid out some serious cash at this establishment and i was being ignored for a guy wanting an oil change.
tony says: hola canadian girl
tony says: arent you still in college?
tony says: raymi is too connected
is when trouble strikes, or bad news, or tragedy hits, or the bears lose you can shut the drapes, crack open some cuban, light a fire, and just chill.